Month: November 2022

6 Min Read

What’s a guy to do when immoral influences comes a-knocking at his back door?

Oh, this tricky pickle is just too big to just ignore…

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Editor’s note: you have found yourself in the thick of the epic, the one, the only, The Long Tale of COVID. If you need to catch up, you can find all the posts here. Enjoy!

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“Give it to me straight, Doc,¹Alex technically wasn’t a doctor… am I going to die?”

“So…your test came back positive…”

“OHHHH, LAWDY JESÚS, I AIN’T READY TO DIE YET! I AIN’T READY YET!”²Editor’s note: There might be some light embellishment with my reaction to my test results. Just maybe.

“Well…you’re not necessarily going to die. I mean, of course you’re going to die at some point. But there’s a good chance you won’t die from this.”

I slowly wiped away the tears that had been streaming down my face.

“Wha-wha-what do you mean?”

“So, this D-dimer test…remember, I told you already that not only will it come back positive if you have blood clots, but also if you have COVID,” Poor-Man’s-Doctor Alex attempted to reassure me.

Well, this Kevin Bacon-inspired Urgent Care visit was just going swimmingly, now wasn’t it?

“OHHHH, LAWDY JESÚS, I MIGHT HAVE COVID?!?” I wailed.

“Well, of course you have COVID, you idiot. That was the very first thing you said when you walked in our door, followed immediately by ‘I think I have blood clots.’ “

“Oh…right. So…um…what you’re saying is that we still can’t rule out my suspicion that I have blood clots as well?”

“Technically, no. As I advised you previously, you would have to go to a real Emergency Department for that.”

“Sh*t. Ok. So…how much is this little visit costing me again?”

“I can’t be 100% sure, but once you factor in all the extra attention and time our triage nurse had to spend with you, I would say in the ball–*inexplicable pause*–park of $400.”

I was getting the feeling that Almost-A-Doctor Alex was taking a jab at this poor, defenseless, COVID-ridden, sleep-deprived patient who just happened to accidentally show up–as the French would say–sans le sous-vêtements.³https://translate.google.com/?sl=fr&tl=en&text=sans%20le%20sous-v%C3%AAtements&op=translate

And I couldn’t help rolling my balls–er, eyeballs–at not only that perceived pun at my expense, but at this whole ----- situation.

“You got to be ----- kidding me. I’m going to pay $400 for you to tell me the exact same thing I told you from the get-go?”

“Um…yeah, I suppose that’s true…”

“I guess it goes to show which one of us the real doctor…”

---

“I can tell you this: I ain’t going to no Emergency Department–especially after the incredibly useless adventure this Urgent Care turned out to be!”

Finally back in my car, my first order of business was to update my loved ones–via text–letting them know I was still alive and cramping. The Boss Lady was preoccupied tending to our daughters, so I found myself debriefing⁴No pun intended my dear mother.

Of course, I wasn’t telling her the whole truth about what had just transpired. I mean, what am I going to say, “Oh yeah, I forgot to wear my wedding ring and underwear to my doctor’s visit, and now my new best friend and #1 fan–Nurse Cami–is trying to ⁵In my attempts to find a humorous synonym for ‘affair’, I came discovered that, in theory, I could use the term ‘calf-love’–alas, too perfect of a joke that no one would ever get… to entice me into a little rendez-vous adultère“? Like I’m going to tell my mom tha–

Oh, wait, I’m getting another text. Maybe it’s my loving wife–

Aw, sh*t. Speak of the devil:

Okay, I shouldn’t read into this too much…I think. Any good nurse would be invested in the well-being of their patient, right?

Just need to politely acknowledge your show of concern…tip my hat…and hopefully never C U again!

Now, since I skipped lunch, I’m Starvin’ Marvin, so, yes, I will gladly “go to the hotel and chill for a little bit”–after I figure out what to eat. Oh, and text my wife that, physically speaking at least, I’m probably going to be OK, of course.

“Google Maps! Find me the nearest Chi–“

*Buzz! Buzz!*

Cool, cool. But I have no idea how to respond to such a text completely void of even a hint of useful information…

*Buzz! Buzz!*

Dammit that better be my wife this ti–

*Face-Palm*

“ARRRRGGGHHH! I don’t have time for this sh*t…”

That was indeed waaaaay too many emojis to be innocent. It was becoming rather apparent that Cami wasn’t into playing hard-to-get.

“Just ignore it, Dude,” I told myself, “You just need to make it back to your hotel room and chill for the rest of the evening…”

Wait. “Hotel.” Oh. Fudge.

Earlier, I had naively told Cami exactly which hotel I was staying in–and of course my full legal name is pretty much common knowledge at this point…

Man oh man, it’s ‘Myra’ all over again…that means there is only one logical way to avoid that home-wrecker for tonight and for the rest of my li–

*Buzz! Buzz!*

“WHAT NOW?!?

Oh…would you look at that? It’s actually my wife calling…

---

“I’m going to give it to you straight, Doc:⁶Doctor Hubby, to her at least. my test came back positive. Why don’t you just come on home and we’ll both mask up take care of the girls together?”

The Boss Lady (aka my wife) seemed pretty calm for having just delivered some heart-breaking news. I, on the other hand…

“OHHHH, LAWDY JESÚS, I AIN’T READY TO END MY COVID-CATION YET! I AIN’T READY YET!”

“Jeez, don’t you think you’re overreacting a bit?”

“But–but–but, it’s just that…”

“That what? C’mon home. I’m exhausted already from taking care of the girls by myself the last few days, and I could use the help.”

In my heart of hearts, I wanted to relieve her suffering, but I’ll be damned if I was going to end my COVID-cation without having finished my weekly blog post. And I knew that if I went home that evening that it would never be completed, as I would indubitably be ‘encouraged’ to go to bed shortly after the girls went down for the evening.

But…but wait just a tick! What if there was a way to love my wife and meet my goals at the same time?

“So, I was thinking…maybe you’d like a break from girls for the night? Why don’t I come home and take over child care, and you come enjoy this luxurious Jr. Handicap Accessible Suite for the night. You can even sleep in!”

What I had thought would be a slam-dunk ended up taking a lot more cajoling on my part.

“But I don’t get good sleep in hotels…”

“Oh, you’d get much better sleep than at home, listening to me snore and having the girls wake up coughing randomly in the middle of the night.”

“Well…”

“I promise, I got this, Babe. You covered for me for a few days, now let me return the favor for at least just one night…”

“I don’t know…”

“Also, I’m much less contagious now, so it’s better for me to be around the girls than you, who is probably at the peak of being contagious.”

“Maybe…”

“LOOK: If at least one of us doesn’t stay the night here, the $300 we paid for it and my stint as a bum wandering the streets will all be for naught. Perish the thought!”

“Ok, I suppose so. Come on home, and I’ll head back to the hotel after the girls go down for the night.”

Oh thank god, she agreed–I didn’t want to be there later that evening if Cami came knocking on my door!

“But,” she continued, “be home in time so we can eat dinner together. I can’t wait for you tell me everything you’ve been up to on your little COVID-cation.”

*GULP*

“Uh, you mean ‘everything‘ everything?”

“Yes! Everything!”

Well, honestly I was more than a little embarrassed about the whole ‘Nurse Cami Please-I-Don’t-Want-To-Have-An Affair.’

After packing up my belongings, I got in the car for the 45-minute journey home.

“What the hell am I going to tell my wife?!?” I wondered aloud to myself.

Oh. Right. I already knew the answer to this one:

“Welp, Honey, you see, funny story–true story, in fact–I forgot to wear my wedding ring and underwear when I went to the Urgent Care, and yada yada yada…it looks like I have no choice now but to burn our house down, fake the deaths of our entire family, and emigrate to Finland under completely made up names…”

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Content created on: 21/23/yy November 2022 (Mon/Wed/YYY)

6 Min Read

I’m not really a “Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma’am” kind of guy.

Me? I’m more of a “No Whammy! No Bammy! No thank you, Nurse Cami!” fella…

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Editor’s note: you have found yourself in the thick of the epic, the one, the only, The Long Tale of COVID. If you need to catch up, you can find all the posts here. Enjoy!

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“The Doctor will see you now…”

Good golly, it felt like I waited an entire lifetime just to hear those words! After my case of COVID took a turn for weird, and I had rushed from my hotel to the nearby Urgent Care, only to find that I would have to wait my dang turn–just like everybody else that was about to die up in that place.

And now, 75 minutes, 1 incredibly personal conversation, and 9 digits later, I was finally getting to see a true medical professional. You know, one who would be able to use the latest technology to either put my mind at ease–“you are not about to die of an aneurysm!”–or verify that I needed immediate medical intervention–“holy, sh*t, I’ve never seen somebody with so many blood clots in my life!” Because, as you can imagine, not dying at age 41 was pretty much all I could think about in that moment.

Well, almost. There was the tiny issue of my overly-friendly nurse, Cami, who had somehow weaseled my phone number out of me, and had sent me way too messages with a very suspicious number of gratuitous emojis along with them. I was starting to wonder if Cami’s interest in me went beyond the meditative practices I had been preaching in that ‘incredibly personal conversation’ I just referenced above–or if some ‘not-so-innocent’ intentions were afoot.

“Good luck, Bee-yhay!”

I looked across the nurse’s station as I walked to my examination room to see Cami casually waving at me.

“Thanks…” I responded quietly while returning a polite half-wave.

“You bet!” Cami said with a wink.

“Mierda.” I muttered to myself, not realizing that I had unknowingly transitioned to thinking in Cami’s native tongue, Spanish.

“Can’t wait to get out of this clinic and disappear forever…” I reassured myself.

After waiting (to suddenly die) for another good 10 minutes, the door to my exam room finally opened.

“Hi! I’m Alex, and Cami has told me that you have some grave concerns related to your case of COVID. Well, don’t worry, we’ll take good care of you…you know, get you straightened out.”

“Well, I, for one, am pleased to finally get to meet you, Dr. Alex–“

“Oh, sorry, it’s not ‘Dr. Alex’, just ‘Nurse Practitioner Alex’–but don’t worry, I’m even better than ‘M.D.’ because we ‘N.P.’s aren’t mentally slogged down by all the student loans like those other guys.”

Dammit, what does I guy gotta do¹Note here how I am refraining from using the phrase many of you are thinking “who does a guy have to blow around here…” See how I didn’t use that vulgar phrasing? to see a real doctor in this place…

---

“Oh, and on top of all that, I got stung by a possessed wasp!”

“Oh, no! Well, better take off your shirt and let me take a look at your back.”

Boy, I was sure showing off all sorts of skin this fine day, wasn’t I?

“Yeah, I figured I would include that, because who knows what all factors might be causing my Tremors–I mean, ‘suspected blood clots’. Between that and my vasectomy, you can’t be too sure who the culprit really is.”

“Uh…where is the sting?” I could sense N.P. Alex was indubitably standing in awe at the constellations dotting my back. “You really have a lot of moles back here. You might want to get them checked out.”

“Don’t worry, I see a dermatologist regularly. And the sting is right between my shoulder blades.”

“Ah, there it is. Well, it doesn’t look too serious…” Alex commented while gently caressing it. “Let’s focus on ruling out blood clots now if we can. You said it was your calves were the symptoms seemed to be focused? They do look unusually swole…”

“Yes, my calves, particularly my left one.”

“Welp, let me have a feel. Don’t mind me, I’m just going to compare their sizes be wrapping my hands around each…”

Again, with the touching. What was the people around here always getting their paws up in people’s business anyways?

“Oh, by the way, you should know that my calves are naturally huge. I apologize that you can’t get your hands all away around them,” I chuckled.

“No worries, I was still able to tell that, though gigantic, they are both about the same size. Why don’t you tell me more about your experience…”

So I proceeded to tell Not-A-Dr. Alex everything, including my experiences as a drug-addict and with homelessness.

Twenty minutes later–who am I kidding? It was more like 45 minutes later–and Look-At-Me-I’m-Debt-Free Alex was going over my prognosis.

“While I suspect that you are just suffering from inflammation in various parts of your body–especially where you have had injuries or surgeries, like, say *ahem* vasectomies–I can see you are still worried about the slim possibility that it really is blood clots. After all, you are literally losing sleep over it, so what I can do for you is run what’s called a ‘D-dimer test’. The bad news is that it almost always comes back positive if you have COVID. Which…uh…we already know you kinda do.”

“So…what about an ultrasound, though? I read that was the way to definitely tell for sure.”

I-Wish-Was-An-MD Alex chuckled, “We’re an Urgent Care–we’re built to treat coughs and colds and maybe a nose bleed. We don’t have ultrasound. If you feel like you really need that so you can get some rest, well, you’ll have to go to the Emergency Department of a real hospital.”

“Ugh! Good god! Nobody wants that! Tell me more about the ‘D-dimer test.”

“Well, it’s a pretty quick test, so it’s worth running in the off-chance that it comes back negative. We’ll just have a nurse come draw your blood in a few minutes, and then we should have your results another 15 minutes after that!”

“Okay. Sounds good enough. So I suppose I’ll just sit here and wait for the nurse…”

---

“Wait, what was your birth date again?”

I repeated my birth date again, being sure not mumble this time.

“Yup! You’re my guy!”

I really don’t know who, exactly, I thought would come draw my blood, but wouldn’t you have guessed it, there was Nurse Cami, standing in front of me and not-so-subtlety delighted to see me again.

‘My guy’?!? Are you kidding me? Oh, please oh please don’t make this any more awkward. But maybe–just maybe–there’s still a chance that whatever the ----- is happening here is purely platonic.

“So, how old are your…two daughters? Did I get it right?” Cami inquired while feeling up my arm in search of a bulging vein.

“Oh, those two little squirts are 4 & 9, and I love the living shit out of ’em. Man, I want nothing more right now than to give them big hugs…you know, on account of possibly dying any moment and what-not.”

“You’re so lucky…I’ve always wanted to have a daughter–now, if you’ll hold still for one second I’m gonna jab you with this huge needle…”

“Mmrmph.” I slightly winced. Despite once upon a time supporting myself by donating plasma, get stuck like a pig never gets easier.

“There ya go! Oh, I forgot to ask: so did Alex get you taken care of?”

“Mostly…I even managed to tell the ‘doctor’ everything–well, you know, not everything, everything *nervous chuckle*…but yeah, I think we got me mostly squared away.”

I thought maybe I could diffuse the situation with a little humorous reference to our previous conversation that featured a notably amount of TMI²TMI: Too Much Information content.

“Of course not everything. As for me, I’m very discrete and very private.”

I couldn’t help think to myself, “Well, I sure the hell ain’t ‘discrete’ nor ‘private’! You better believe I’m gonna blog about every last detail of this fustercluck…”

Oh, but Cami wasn’t done.

“You know sometimes when I hook up with a married guy–they freak out afterwards. But, I tell them, ‘Shh…shh…it’ll be fine–I’ll keep it on the down low.’ So, don’t worry, this will stay between you and me, and ‘a tree’, as they say.”

My jaw about dropped to the floor–man, I couldn’t believe what was hearing!

In my mind I was screaming:

“Are you ----- kidding me?!? Not only 30 minutes ago you were #HumbleBragging about how loose you were–hooking up with men! With women! With men and women at the same time!”

Cami just gave me another wink as my thought-rampage continued.

“Yeah, not really selling yourself very well here, Cami, given that I know how much you get around. It’d be more like keeping things ‘between you, me, a tree–and the ----- CDC!'³CDC: Center for Disease Control”

Oh, to have had the [blue]balls to say what I really wanted to say in that moment:

“Yeah, um…no thanks. I already got all the viruses I boy could ever wish…”

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Content created on: 18/19 November 2022 (Fri/Sat)

6 Min Read

The good news? I might have just made a new best friend.

The bad new? Look, amigo, I ain’t got time for no buddy…

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Editor’s note: you have found yourself in the thick of the epic, the one, the only, The Long Tale of COVID. If you need to catch up, you can find all the posts here. Enjoy!

---

“I really loved hearing about your meditative methods. I’m sure they could help me in my struggles with loneliness.”

I was just wrapping up an impromptu and enjoyable overly-personal conversation with my Urgent Care triage nurse, Nurse Cami–who you already know by now–and I was starting to get a tingling sensation at the thought that I might have just made the world a better place, albeit one soul at a time.

“I’m glad to hear that I might make a new convert out of you yet!” I responded with a genuine smile.

“Yes, and I would be interested in learning more…” Cami continued, gesturing towards the chair were I had left my personal belongings.

“Oh, I’ll bet you’ll love it!” I said encouragingly, despite not knowing what my hoodie and my wallet had to do with the topic at hand.

“Once you’ve recovered from COVID, I would love to get together for some coffee or drinks and you can teach me more about it.”

Great. Just great. Cami was wanting to be friends IRL.¹IRL mean “In Real Life.”

I mean, I really enjoyed getting to know ol’ Nurse Cami as a person and all…but… But I’m a grown-ass family man in my 40s. I have two old friends from grad school still in the area, and even then I still don’t hang out with them nearly as much as I would like.

Sorry, Cami, I just don’t have time for new friends, or old friends–or any type of friends!

But, I didn’t want to be rude, of course…

“Heh-heh,” I chuckled nervously, “Well, I have to survive it first. I’m just focused on making it to next week alive…”

“I’m 100% confident that you’ll be just fine!”

“Fingers crossed…” I said, with as much optimism I could muster.

“…that you’ll forget about trying to meet up with me…” I mumbled under my breath…

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“Here, let me give you my number, and you can just shoot me a text when you’re feeling all better,” said Cami, undeterred.

“Umm, okay.” So that was what my personal belongings had to do with all this. “Yeah, sure, I guess. Let me grab my tel–“

“Your telefono, yes! You ready?” Cami’s native Spanish shone through, making me lightly chuckle.

“Sure, go ahead…”

“Seven-five-four…”

“Ah! That’s right…of course you have a Miami number…” I felt like a rather observant student.

“Ah, sí, I sure do miss that place..anyways, mi numero: two-four-five…” Cami continued on until I had all 10 digits in my, uh, telefono.

“Great! How should I put your name in here?” Truth be told, I hadn’t been paying enough attention to actually know Cami’s name at this point.

“Just put me down as ‘Nurse Cami’,” Cami said, tapping on the name tag that I should have seen be now. “That should be a good way to remember me.”

“Sweet, I’ll just head out–” I couldn’t even finish my dang sentence.

“Why don’t you go ahead and shoot me a test-text, make sure you got me in there right?”

Dangit.

“Oh, of course! Silly me–why I didn’t I think of that?”

Honestly, though, I was thinking this would have been so much easier if Cami didn’t have my number.

As I pushed send on the text, it occurred to me that Cami might be confused about my name.

“Just so you know, Cami, although you’ve seen my name on paper as ‘Robert’, I actually go ‘B.J.’…”

“¿Bee-yhay?“

Oh, dulce Jesús, how did I not see that one coming a mile away???

I barely suppressed a snort, as in my mind I was having a regular Pee-Wee’s Playhouse moment:

Why did I find this phrase so, uh, ‘special,’ you may ask?

Well, I’ll tell you why…or, more accurately, I already did–you can read all about it here.

*Snort snort*

After I internally picked up my laughing ass from rolling on the floor, I just kindly replied:

“Yes, Bee-Jay.”

Cami’s phone buzzed, and then–if that wasn’t enough proof that we had successfully exchanged numeros–my phone buzzed back:

Awww…Cami thinks of me as a “buddy”…

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“BUZZ! BUZZ!”

Only moments later, back in the waiting room, and my telefono already be blowin’ up? Who could it be? My concerned wife? My caring mother? Hmm…let’s see here:

Oh, it’s just Captain Obvious reminding Captain BlueBalls that they are successfully ‘in touch’. A hilariously unnecessary text if you ask me. Like, “No shit, Sherlock.”

Needing a distraction, I tried to take my mind off of…well, everything, so I decided to finally tackle my singular goal for my COVID-cation (oh, that’s right, some of you may need to start this journey from the beginning…go ahead, I’ll wait).

And since I’m pretty sure we’ve all totally forgotten what the stated goal of my extended ‘me time’ was, I’ll remind you: to write my danged blog post for the week–and thanks to all the misadventures thus far, I was down to only but a few hours to get ‘er done.

No computer, though? No problem! For the first time, I decided that I might as well try to blog away on the small screen of my iPhone. Sure, it might take a bit longer without the luxury of a keyboard, but it’ll do for getting my main thoughts and punchlines into the digital record, right? Right.

(Quick side note: if you wondering which, exactly, of my famed and hallowed posts I actually composed in that Urgent Care waiting area…you can click here…)

So there I was, tapping away furiously on my telefono in my own little corner of the waiting room,²I was attempting to self-isolate, because, yes, I felt like a complete arsehole for being that guy with COVID just hanging around. when a woman a few seats along the adjacent wall, maybe in her mid-50s, caught my attention.

This woman, she just kept…looking. Looking in my direction, but not smiling, not scowling. Just looking approximately at me–there was no one else in my vicinity–but not directly at me. It was like she was unintentionally avoiding eye contact. Just looking, looking, looking…looking slightly shocked, maybe?³Okay, I might have gotten this out of chronological order…this might have happened before my initial examination, and when I realized that I was missing certain pieces of my wardrobe.

“Strange, strange woman.” I thought to myself. “Like, what is her deal? She’s kinda starting to creep me out.”

It wasn’t until much much later that it occurred to me that, “Oh, yeah, that’s right, I totes forgot that I was just hanging out in my mesh shorts, free-ballin’ in the wind. Ooops. My bad.”

The funny thing is, this really has nothing to do with the main plot–just another little side-show to the larger freak-show that had been unfolding over the last few days…

“BUZZ! BUZZ!”

The vibrating telefono brought Bee-Yhey/ol’ Captain BlueBalls back to reality. These ----- texts were making it hard to get my bloggin’ on–who is it now? Hmm…let’s see:

Dammit, Cami…”no agenda”? What does that even mean??? And is this really the right context for using random emojis?

Not sure what to say, so…um…random laughing emoji back at you?

Now, back to my blo–

“BUZZ! BUZZ!“

Oh, for f*ck’s sake! Or–as Oscar the Grouch would say:

“WHAT NOW???”

Surely it’s not…it couldn’t be…crap, it’s my Nurse again:

While I truly appreciate Cami’s…um…enthusiasm(?) for learning, it’s just…WHAT’S WITH THE WEIRD EMOJIS?!?

Okay, back to my blogging…

*Types in peace for a solid 10 minutes*

“BUZZ! BUZZ!“

*Sigh* Here we go again…

Oh, well, that’s a pleasant surprise: some actually useful info instead of…whatever the hell those last few texts were. Here, Cami, back in the bowels of the nurses’ station, is reassuring me that I am only moments away from being seen by a real doctor.

In the words of my reply: “Sweet.”

…

“BUZZ! BUZZ!

What do you think folks? Should I look?

Sure…why not?

Hey, wait a minute…I’m starting to notice a suspiciously excessive use of emojis…

Um…

Oh sh*t.

Exactly what kind of “buddy” does Cami want to be…?⁴1: Stay tuned, you Big Dummy; and 2: If you’re wondering what type of “buddy” I’m worried about being viewed as, I’ll give you a hint: this episode was brought to you by the Letter F…

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Content created on: 11/12 November 2022 (Fri/Sat)

4 Min Read

As any pirate could tell you: “Loneliness is like a steering wheel in my pants:”

“Arggh! It drives me nuts…”

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“Right…right…sure…mmkay. I TOTALLY believe you. All by yourself in your hotel room, bored out of your mind and having nothing better to do while you recover from COVID? Sure, your story completely checks out…”

Nurse Cami–who you may recall from last time–initially didn’t seem convinced.

But I swore up and down that, despite originating in my groin region, my mystery symptoms–surely related to me having COVID, and what landed me in the Urgent Care in the first place–had nothing to do with me, um…er…’laying hands on myself.’

Yeah, I know, right? I could hardly believe it myself that a nurse would put forth such a preposterous conspiracy theory.

“You know,” Cami continued, “as a medical professional, I have a duty to report any cases of abuse that come to my attention.”

“Um, I’m pretty sure that ‘self-abuse’ doesn’t fall under that umbrella–and wait, it doesn’t even matter! I told you that most assuredly that is not what is going on here!”

“Likely story…”

“No, for reals,” I felt that I shouldn’t have to defend my own honor, but I had no choice at this point.

“Believe or not,” I intimated, “I am indeed ‘Master of My Domain.'¹A legendary reference from the hit NBC sitcom, Seinfeld: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUtJBqgwNgo If you really must know, I have chosen to follow a higher path, one involving, let’s say, ‘meditative practices,’ if you will.”

“Oh, wow, really? Good for you. I could use some more ‘meditation’ in my life…”

“Though on a medical note,”–I hadn’t quite finished my thought–“there is sometimes the side effect of having too much pent-up energy in certain areas of the body…”

After thinking for a moment, Cami wondered aloud, “Hmm…Perhaps…could it be…epididymal hypertension?”

“Huh?!?”

I swear to the deity of your choice, I’m not making this up: Cami then looked me dead in the eye and said in almost a whisper, “So…is it possible that you just have a case of blue balls?”²I apologize, to my mother and all others, for having to include this phrase, but I’m guessing y’all were as confused by the medical name for such an affliction as I was…click here for more info, if you feel the need to actually know more. And for the record, this could have legitimately been related to my relatively recent vasectomy.

I had to chuckle at this new and very interesting theorem.

“I guess. But, c’mon! That still doesn’t explain the sensation of worms tunneling through my swollen calves!”

“No…no it does not…”

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“Well, I think we’re all wrapped up here. My initial assessment is that you are most likely not in any immediate danger from blood clots–I know that was what you were most worried about. At this point, I’ll just have you wait your turn in the waiting room with the rest of the folks.”

“Oh. So I may have to wait another hour or so to see the doctor?”

“Unfortunately, yes. But let me or the front desk know immediately if you experience any sudden changes, okay?”

“Okay, sounds good.” At least I had the reassurance that I could be bumped to the front of the line if sh*t started to get really crazy.

There was a pause for a moment before Cami piped up again.

“So, before you head there, I was wondering if I could ask you a personal question?”

“Sure why not? I don’t think it’s possible to get much more personal than your last round of questions.”

“Great. So that term you mentioned when you were talking about ‘meditative practices’…I heard about that only recently and I was very curious. Would you be able to tell me a little bit more about it?”

“Would I? Would I ever!”

Self-care never gets enough attention, and I yes indeed I was going to jump at the chance to spread the gospel of some of my favorite methods for supporting one’s overall wellness…

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“When I moved to Miami from Central America, that’s when I really had to decide where my life was heading…”

This conversation–with my nurse, of all people!–had really turned out to be quite the unexpected delight: complete strangers only an hour earlier, here we were, connecting on almost a spiritual level about our life journeys. It kinda reminded me of that one time that I really connected with our local bug guy…two souls appreciating each other for who they were, nothing more, nothing less. Something our society desperately needs more of, indeed.

And Cami’s personal story was indeed intriguing, and I listened with sincere ears to a tale about a life full of twists, turns, moving across oceans, enduring bouts of loneliness in strange new lands, and, ultimately, evolving as a person.

I, too, had experienced somewhat similar, almost identity-altering, changes later in life, and so truly relished hearing others share theirs. In a way, it can forge a bond between two random people–kinda like finding out that you’re both members of the FreeMasons or what-not…hmmm…maybe I better work on my analogies, but you get the idea.

“Yeah,” after thoughtfully listening, I responded, eager to strengthen this bond, “I can relate. You know for me, growing up–even into my thirties–one immutable truth about me was that I eternally hated two things: bleu cheese and olives. But now I can’t believe I enjoy both of those! As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that through opening myself to new experiences–and revisiting old ones–I can really learn a new thing or two about myself…”

“Yeah, so you ‘get it,’ my man,” Cami concurred.

“Yup. I would even say that is key to truly savoring all that the human experience has to offer…”

“Along with some form of meditation, of course.”

“Of course. I almost forgot that was the original point of my story!”

“Welp, I think I better send you on your way now.”

“Yeah, I guess you have other patients to tend to.”

“Yup, but I just wanna say that our impromptu conversation has really made my day.”

“Thanks! I agree. Connecting has been…”

I paused for a moment, trying to find words that truly did our little chat justice.

“…it’s been truly pleasurable.”

“Agreed!”

Cami smiled and patted me on the back as I got up to gather my belongings and head back to the waiting room.

“Oh wait…I had just one more question for you before you leave…”

I chuckled lightly, wondering what last surprise might be in store for me.

“Oh, that Cami!” I mused to myself, “Always has the best questions…”

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Content created on: 4 November 2022 (Friday)