It’s a war–a war on bugs, that is.
But I think I have may chosen the wrong side…
“Man…it’s just the darnedest thing. Blue-green skin…I’ve never seen anything like it…”
“Wait…what?!? What skin?? Where??”
In retrospect, I don’t know why I thought casually mentioning to my grad school roommates that “I got blue-green skin” would be met with “Ooh! How interesting!”
Yeah, on second thought “what in the actually f***?!?” seems like the proper response. But, alas, hindsight is 20/20 and this cat was already out of its bag.
“Huh? What? Oh yeah, it’s just that my athlete’s foot has taken on a blue-green hue. In my 25 or so years of having athlete’s foot, this is—“
“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Back this train up a sec! First, off: you have athlete’s foot and didn’t tell us?!?” Sue1Almost her real name. was apparently unhappy with this revelation.
“We share the same shower, you prick!” Patty2Again, almost her real name. quickly clarified exactly why they were so pissed at me.
“And 25 years?!? Dude, you just turned 26! What the heck?!?” Also apparent: Sue’s grasp of basic math.
“Well, it’s not that big of a deal, really. I’ve had chronic athlete’s foot pretty much my entire life. You see, my toes unnaturally curve onto each oth—“
“No big deal?!? You don’t get to decide whether or not it’s ‘a big deal’—we do.”
“No, no, you don’t understand, it’s pretty much just a ‘me’ problem.”
“No, you understand. Man, we don’t want none of yo’ nasty foot fungus. So here’s the deal: you’re wearing sandals in the shower until it clears up.”
“And that’s non-negotiable.”
“Dammit.” I muttered under my breath. I knew that I had no choice but to acquiesce.
“Ok, fine. I’ll go get it checked out and in the meantime I suppose I’ll wear flip-flops in the shower. I really regret saying anything though—all this drama is completely unnecessary, in my humble opinion…”
I just had to throw that last comment in there, didn’t I? Patty for one sure wasn’t bemused by it.
“Well, in my humble opinion, I can’t believe you even considered not telling us! Bad roommate. Bad roommate!”
Ok, ok, so they had a point–and if I could travel back in time and provide some spiritual counsel to my younger self, I’d tell that jackass to be more thoughtful and considerate of those with whom he shares personal spaces.
Even though the both of me know ----- well that “what they didn’t probably would never have hurt them”…
“So there I was at the gym locker room, and I realized ‘oh crap, I forgot my shower sandals!’ True story…”
‘Twas a few years later, and I found myself regaling my sole3Pun intended. roommate—aka my wife, aka The Boss Lady—with the perhaps the world’s most boring gym-related story.
“And then what happened?!? What did you do? Shower in your sneakers? Skip the shower altogether? Tap into your inner MacGuyver and make some sandals solely out of paper towels?”
“Huh? What do you mean ‘what did I do?’ I just took a shower barefoot. Duh.”
“Oh my god! Who knows what disease or calamity you could have picked up from the shower floor! How could you put your feet in such grave and imminent danger?!?”
“Listen Toots…um…how do I say this? Oh! I know! Even though this is the year 2009, I figure I could best illustrate my point with a clip from the August 21, 2011 episode of the hit AMC TV show, Breaking Bad.”
*hops into time machine, buzzes back almost instantaneously with the DVD boxset of the complete series of Breaking Bad*
*Ahem* “In this scene, the role of my toes will be played by Walter White…”
Now hop in your dumbass time machine one last time with me and fast forward to the present, whence a pandemic ravishes the globe. Mask-wearing seems to cyclically fall in and out of vogue.
Free-facers are shunned like pariahs. Faithful maskers are mocked. And thus the pendulum swings back and forth.
Which camp do I fall into, you ask? Well, let me tell you a little story. A little story about a little mask…
Once upon a last week, a very close friend of mine went to an indoor concert at a venue where masking was optional. What did my friend do? Well, he and his date were 2 out of about 8 total people at that show who actually opted to wear a masks. Because…seriously, what the ----- are those 2,7044https://dukeperformances.duke.edu/venues/dpac-durham-performing-arts-center/ other people thinking?!?
Funny thing, though: it’s hard to prove how hardcore of a fan you are when no one can see you accurately lip-syncing with a mask plastered over your face. But, for one brief moment, in an attempt to prove to his date that he indeed knew the words to some of the songs at this show he had dragged her to, he removed his mask, belted out 3 lines of The Remedy directly in his date’s face, and promptly replaced the mask back on his face.
Now, unbeknownst to this very close friend of mine–in spite of over two years of diligently masking no matter how uncool it became (and zero infections)–ye ol’ COVID had finally come for him, a cold hard fact that was confirmed approximately 5 hours after this particular concert.
(“You gotta be ----- kidding me!” he thought, no doubt.)
But, one to always find the silver lining in any situation, he later told me, “You know, I sometimes wonder if I infected anybody at that concert–besides my date–when I took my mask off for those 10 seconds. But then I realized, hey, if those unmasked ----- picked up anything from me, then that one’s kinda on them.”
He continued, “Yeah, I could feel at least half of them staring at me and my multi-colored mask, mocking me in their heads. But the joke’s on them, cuz as it turns it out…”
*dramatically whips head to the side to look Camera 2 dead in the eye*
“…I am the one who knocks!”
…
…
…
Me. It’s me. I am the one who knocks…*cough cough*
Content created on: 25/26 June 2022 (Sat/Sun)
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