Month: March 2023

6 Min Read

Driver’s Ed classes these days aren’t teaching our kids one of the most valuable skills:

How to be a little ass-backwards every now and then…

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“Back dat a$$ up, yo!” I heard from behind me.

“Gladly!” I hollered back before promptly backing ‘dat a$$’ up.

Was I being cat-called in a night club?

Who, me? Hah. No.

Was I being hit on by a female construction worker as a sashayed down the street?

Well, I could see that happening…but, no. That’s not the scenario I’m describing herewithin.

Was I trying to get a stubborn donkey to move ass-first away from a precious fruit tree he was attempting to devour?

Sadly, no, I was not literally backing a literal ass up.

Nope, the truth is much more boring and probably gonna disappoint you: my brother and I were merely hooking up our dad’s farm truck to whatever trailer we needed to pull that day. You know, just routine agricultural farm-type stuff that you tend to do when you are an indentured servant grow up on a farm.

In fact, the uber-interesting anecdote that you indubitably thought I was inevitably about to share? Doesn’t even exist. I mean, a situation in which I, aided by another agricultural laborer, backed up a pickup or a semi or a tractor or a combine harvester upon their request definitely happened on many occasions. That part was 1100% true.

But even beyond your typical back-up of 5-25 feet, there were multiple instances of throwing that beast in reverse and scootin’ booty-first for much longer distances…I think I may have had to do so for a quarter-mile at least once. If I remember correctly, that involved a copious amount of mud and what I had thought was just another Kansan back road–because face it, it don’t make you racist to admit that ‘they all kinda look the same’–but just turned out to be the informal irrigation ditch of a neighbor’s field.

Ok, so I’m straying from the point here. The point is that one does a butt-ton of backing up on the farm, so much so that eventually it’s just one boring back-up blurring into the next. And not to #HumbleBrag or anything, but I got pretty darn good at it. In fact, sometimes I would just drive backwards on purpose–or as the farm-folk tend to say, ‘for sh*ts and giggles.’ (Pro Tip: you can even drive backwards at great length while looking straight ahead if you can master the art of imagining time is running backwards.)

Alas, if only such a hard-earned life skill had any practical application at all. Alas…

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“Go! Go! Go! One block! Two blocks! Three blocks! Oh, you got this bro! Keep going!”

I know many of you out there went to some sort of after-party once your Senior Prom ended, and I’m sure that many of you got similar encouragement–though you were probably being admonished to chug chug chug some alcoholic beverage.

After my Senior Prom? Well, me and my impromptu crew that included The Bard (from The Crazy-Ass Summer of ’99 fame), my blind prom date/future potential ex-sister-in-law/The Bard’s future ex-girlfriend, Brandi, and my cheer-leading second cousin, Whitney (whom I believe was who set me up with Brandi in the first place), we either didn’t have access to alcohol or just realized that none of us actually imbibed booze, so partying wasn’t really on our post-prom agenda. Also, I don’t know if we were even invited to the cool-kids’ after party. Not that we wanted to go anyways. But I digress.

The sad truth is that when you live in a po-dunk Kansas town with a population of maybe 400, there isn’t a whole lot of legal ways for a group of teens to entertain themselves…

…

At this point, I’m assuming that you can see where this is going–bonus points if you did it without looking in the rear-view mirror.

That’s right: we drove up and down every last street in Rolla backwards. Call me a show off if you will, but I need to remind you that’s only *checks math* about 140 hamlet blocks (as opposed to the much larger ‘city blocks’)…and I was pretty skilled, so we were probably rollin’ upwards (er, I mean ‘backwards’) of -20 mph. Impressive, yes, but only mildly so.

Sadly, we never got pulled over–we were disappointed we didn’t get to see how the local law enforcement would react to such light-hearted, totally legal,¹I’m assuming it’s illegal, but Google is having a hard time convincing me that we would have been actually breaking any laws (on account of there being zero other people on the road). Most answers to ‘is it illegal to drive backwards in Kansas’ don’t really give answers that are backed up by any specific law or statute. and not dangerous at all shenanigans. My hypothesis is that the lone cop in town musta been busy bustin’ up the cool kids’ drunken orgy…

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“Dude…can we stop and get some Hardee’s before the concert? I’m indubitably going to smoke some pot (and then offer you some and then call you a nerd when you turn me down), and I wanna stay a step ahead of the munchies,” pined Passenger #1.

“But we’re going to be late! There’s no time!” fretted Passenger #2.

“Quick! Through the drive-through!” Passenger #3 piped up.

“The drive-thru, you say? You wanna see a magic trick?” I grinned.

Back in the summer after my first year of grad school, me and a car-full of other physics grad students decided to take in a Nine Inch Nails concert in nearby Raleigh, and somehow I ended up being the one to drive us all there.

Now, ‘me driving’ and ‘one of my soon-to-be-stoned passengers jonesing for some greasy grub’ should be two totally unrelated details, but not in my universe-oh ho, no no no!

Do I look like a guy who would drive a car that can handle your average fast food restaurant drive-thru? No! I look like a guy who wouldn’t bother fixing the motor on his driver’s window more than once! When you’re relatively poor and spend over $100 for some hack mechanic to fix your window, for it to only stop working a week later, why the heck would you bother gambling your money on a second attempt?

No, my friend, I look like the type of guy who adapts out of cheapness. Windows that roll down? Pfft! That’s a luxury for the pampered ultra-rich, in my humble opinion! Who needs ’em? (Windows that roll down or the ultra-rich, amiright?)

Also, another luxury reserved for the ultra-rich? The ability to obtain nourishment when one is lonely, hungry, and in a hurry. You know, on account of not being able to properly interact with drive-thru windows and what-not.

But guess what? If you’re not lonely, and merely hungry and in a hurry…well, that’s a solvable problem–with only one solution!

“The hell you doin’ dude? You’re gonna wreck!” freaked Passenger #4.

“We’re all gonna die!” Passenger #2 screamed.

“Fear not, I’m a professional!” I assured the 4 souls that had entrusted their lives to me, as I pulled one of these moves right into the drive-thru lane:

Ok, so maybe it wasn’t that thrilling of a move, but nevertheless, thanks to my teenage-hood on the farm, I was able to make sure my friends got fed in a timely manner, with the added bonus of seeing the ‘WTF?!?’ look on the Hardee’s employees’ faces as we all non-chalantly cruised ass-first up to the window…

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Um…yeah. So those are my totally cool and actually true stories about driving backwards. There’s no real point here, in case you were hoping for some grand ‘moral of the story’, except maybe that you never know when your farming experience might translate into something useful in the civilized world.

The irony of all this is that, in my elder years I have somehow become really bad at driving backwards. That, and parking. I’ve had the unpleasant experience in the last year or so of realizing that I suck at parking. I almost never get my vehicle parallel to the lines in the parking lot. It’s ----- embarrassing. Maybe that’s what I get for being such a show-off, flaunting my reversible skills in my youth…

Ah, to be young and this guy²Source: https://www.roadandtrack.com/car-culture/a21095190/this-driver-does-an-entire-commute-driving-backwards-and-its-mesmerizing/ again…

My new hero

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Content created on: 24/25 March 2023 (Fri/Sat)

6 Min Read

Sure, Dad, LOTS of people were cool with hearing news 6 months after the fact.

They were called “People who lived before the 1840s…”

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“Please enter your 24-Digit PIN now to connect your call…”

Oh, the humanity–er, I mean the humiliation. All I wanted to do was make my weekly call to check in with my dad, like any good college student. But was I being rewarded for being a good and faithful son?

No. No I was not.

Let’s start with that 24-Digit PIN. I know it was 2001, but still, for anyone to have to resort to using a pre-paid calling card was an indignation that no one deserved to suffer. In fact, it was this very situation that made me go out and get my very first faux-wood paneled cell phone only a week later. But, alas, in this moment I was sans cellular telephone, and my private access to telecommunication services had just been cut off.

This wasn’t really my fault, though. You see, I had been subletting a friend’s apartment for the summer, and, on account of it being the first of August, his lease had just expired and I had to relocate to his new house. However, his future roommates at this place were all hip and ‘with it’ and already had cell phones, so they had eschewed the idea of shelling out money to pay for such an antiquated concept as a ‘landline’.

Okay, so I had to use a pre-paid calling card–big whoop, right? Well, not so fast, slick. Did I mention from whence I was making this phone call? No? Then please allow me to enlighten you. I wasn’t about to subject myself to the abject debasement of being seen using a gas station payphone, so, thinking on my feet, I said to myself, “Ah-ha! I know of a semi-private phone from whence I can call my Noble and Beloved Father!” And subsequently set off on foot to the breezeway of Dickens Hall¹It wasn’t actually Dickens Hall, but one located symmetrically on the other side of the library, but was demolished in order to expand the library. I couldn’t remember the name of this hall, nor could Google. on K-State’s campus.

What awaited me there? Oh, just one of those metal emergency phones mounted on the wall. Did it have an actual handset for my convenience? No! Just a speakerphone. But what it did have was a key pad, and as it turned out, you could get away with calling other phone numbers besides 911, if one only dared try. With calling card in hand, that was all I needed to repurpose the ‘Emergency Use Only’ technology for my own devices. (Side note: this was around 8 at night, so virtually no one would be around to witness me making a personal call via speaker phone. Doing this midday? No way, José!)

Now, any dignified gentlemen would have made his way to such a prestigious appointment on the finest of bicycles, but I didn’t even have that base-level luxury. As noted previously, I had to hoof it the several blocks to campus on account of being bike-less.

This wasn’t really my fault, though…

*checks notes*

Wait, strike that–this part really was my fault. Only a week or two earlier, I was peddling on my way to somewhere, and the campus library happened to be along my route. Now, back in the dark ages of 2001, I didn’t have my own computer or internet access, so any time I wanted to send or receive electronic mail (‘e-mail’) I had to go to the computer lab in the library’s basement.

During that particular summer, my good friend (and future ex-girlfriend), the acclaimed Tiffany Chestnut, was studying abroad in Mexico, so I spent many an hour hammering out mini-tomes to send to her to keep her company whilst in such a strange and foreign land. On this fateful July day, though, I assured myself that since I had somewhere to be, I would only send her a brief missive–one, maybe two paragraphs, tops.

“This will take me nary but 5 minutes!” I assured myself as I parked my bike literally in the middle of the sidewalk, eschewing the security of a bike rack only 10 feet away.

Well, I ended up composing digital ramblings for a good hour and a half, yet somehow I was still surprised when I came out back into the daylight only to find that my precious bicycle had been stolen…

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“So what’s new on the farm, Daddy-o?” I cackled into the general vicinity of the emergency phone’s microphone.

Having successfully swallowed my pride and having done what I had to do to make this phone call happen, I finally started to relax and was looking forward to a routine (if not boring) chat with ol’ Papa Bob about what had transpired in his neck of the woods in the past 7 days. (Just kidding–there aren’t any ‘woods’ in Southwest Kansas. Maybe I should have used the phrase ‘neck of the wheat fields’ instead?)

“Welp, Kim had her baby. It’s a boy!” my dad crackled back through the speaker.

“Oh, you mean that Kim’s pregnant, and they just found out they’re having a boy via ultrasound, right?”

“No, she actually had him. His name’s Reed, and he’s a flaming redhead like the rest of that family,” my dad corrected me.

Now, I wasn’t perfect when it came to keeping track of my older brother, ‘Lyle’,²That’s his middle name, and ever since I found that a year or so ago, I can’t resist calling him that every chance I get. and his family, but the fact that he and his wife Kim were even expecting their 4th redheaded child came as complete news to me.

“What the hell, Dad? Was anyone going to tell me that she was even preggos in the first place? A little heads-up would have been nice.”

“What? How did you not know that? Get with it, Son!” my dad patronized me.

“How did I not know that??? I didn’t know that! Because you didn’t tell me!”

“Well, who’s fault is that?” Dad busted out one of my most-hated phrases of his.

Unlike the stolen bike, and very much like the disconnected landline, this was–repeat after me, class–wasn’t really my fault, though.

“Who’s fault?!? Yours! It’s totally on you–you’re my singular source for family news, you old fart! Don’t you try to pass the buck off to me–it was your responsibility to tell me. Geez, Dad–we worked together every day for 6 weeks this summer, and you never thought once to let me in on the news…”

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“Oh, holy sh*t–I would know the silhouette of that bike from a mile away, but surely it couldn’t be, could it?”

Despite being blindsided by the news that I was an uncle yet again, I was feeling pretty chipper about the fact that my prized brood of nieces and nephews was one larger than when I had awoken that morning. And now…this?

Dickens Hall was right next to the library, and as I walked out of there and away from 9 o’clock phone call with Dad, I saw something in the darkness that left me in disbelief: my previously stolen bike.

Or so I suspected, at least. I sauntered on over to the library bike racks to inspect it, and sure enough! ‘Twas my bike! I couldn’t help but chuckle at the fact that whoever had stolen was, like I had been, pretending to lock it up but not actually doing it.

You see, I had one of those U-locks on it that I kept locked to the body when not in use, until one day the lock mechanism froze up, rendering it permanently attached to the bike. And if you can’t unlock a lock, then you can’t lock up your bike to a post or anything…but, if you lean the bike against the post/rack, it actually creates the illusion that the lock is attached to both. So even though I hadn’t technically been locking my bike up for the last year, I was faking it well enough that it never got stolen under those circumstances.

Whoever stole my bike, though, hadn’t counted on me showing up and seeing through this little charade of my own invention. Mwah-hah-hah-ha!

Vengeance was mine! I promptly re-stole my bike and rode off into the night, with my dignity (mostly) restored…

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The point of the story is, dammit, if you’re the main source of information for friend or family member, be responsible and make sure you keep them informed of the important things. And don’t you dare try to victim-blame them for not knowing what they didn’t know–you know, the exact thing that only you could have told them. That’s just undignified.

Of course, though, it’s important to keep perspective right? At the end of my story, I ended up one nephew and a bike that I had previously (and stupidly) practically given away. So, really I can’t complain.

My only regret in all of this? I really wish I would have staked out that bike rack so I could have seen the look of confusion and disappointment on the face of that book-loving opportunistic bike thief as they realized Karma had come back around to give them a swift kick in the ass..

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Content created on: 18 March 2023 (Saturday)

5 Min Read

Why give ’em a call when you can knock on their door?

C’mon on down, and little ol’ Gladys will gladly help you find the perfect floor…

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“Welp, looks like you’ll need to call for the pricing on this flooring.”

Gladys, the little older lady at the ‘Carpets-And-More’ store peered over the counter at me with her I’m-here-to-help smile.

“Call who? I thought that meant call you!”

Color me confused–you see, I was in the thick of remodeling a new property we had just bought, and my Google research into the finest of vinyl flooring had originally led me to Kimi’s Carpets’ website. But when I went to attempted to see how much the brand I wanted cost, all it said was ‘Call for Price’.

So what did I do? Did I call them? No! I said, “Even better than calling, I’ll drive 50 minutes to the dang store and talk to a professional in person!”

I was starting to regret that decision, in part because I had to loaf about for 20 minutes or so before Gladys could ‘assist’ me, and in part because I’m not sure if what she was providing qualified as ‘assistance’.

Nevertheless, she soldiered on in her attempt to provide the best customer service possible.

“I suppose you’ll have to call the manufacturer when you get the chance. But, while you’re here, I can gladly order some samples for you!”

“Sure! That would be great. How much is each sample?”

“Three dollars each.”

“Oh, ok, not too bad–that’s pennies compared to our bigger remodel budget. Heck, you’re basically giving them away at that price! And good thing, too–I have about 10 I’m interested in…”

“Well, I can make it even cheaper. They give you the first 3 samples for free, so what I’ll do is have them ship 3 to you, 3 to your wife, and 3 to anyone else in your household. So you’ll pay next to nothing!”

“Wow, Gladys, you really are the best–thanks! My first sample I’m interested in is…”

*40 minutes, the names of 10 different colors, and approximately 300 clicks of the mouse and/or keyboard later…*

“Ok, Sonny-Boy, it looks like your total is gonna be about $35…”

“Seems kinda high for all the free samples I was supposedly supposed to be getting, but oh well…” I half-mumbled in my head.

“What’s your phone number? I think kids these days can pay just by using those 10 digits–isn’t that simply amazing?” Clearly, Gladys was a little star-struck when it came to any modern technology.

I gave her my number, and moments later, a text from a well-known 3rd-party payment processor buzzed my phone. I quickly rambled off the confirmation code to Gladys, before randomly commenting as I am wont to do.

“Ah! Stripe–yes, I used to use this to pre-pay the ice cream man back in the middle of the pandemic. Real easy to use!”

“Um…”

“We all good here?”

“Er…”

“So…is my order in or not?”

“Well, that payment’s not going through. Do you want to try a different card?”

“Um, that card should be good–I mean, 43 empty ice cream cartons can attest to that fact–but, sure, I’ll try a different card. Lemme know whenever you’re ready.”

*16 digits (repeated thrice), 1 expiration date, and a 3-digit CVV later…”

“Okay, I think I got it,” Gladys prematurely celebrated, “just let me hit submit…”

“Awesome…”

“Shucks, it’s still not going through. Can I have your credit card info again.”

“Sure, the number is [redacted for privacy], the expiration is [redacted for privacy], and the CVV is [redacted for privacy].”

“Okay, let me repeat those back to you…the card number is [redacted].”

“Yup.”

“Expiration, 06/1926…”

“Sounds good–wait, huh?”

“And CVV is [redacted].”

“Uh, well the CVV was accurate, but what do you have for the expiration date? I’m sure you put in the right date, but did I hear you say…?”

“Oh my, you’re right! I don’t think your card expired in 1926…*chuckle chuckle*–let me change that to 2026…”

“So you did say ‘1926’…I thought I was going crazy for a second there. Ah, livin’ in the past, are we, Gladys?”

“Uh, oh my. It still won’t go through,” she said for what was probably the 5th or 6th time by now.

“Hmmm…don’t know what to tell you. You’re the one looking at the computer screen,” I said without the least hint of sarcasm.

“Oh! I see what the problem must be. I oopsied, and tried to order 7 samples of the Yukon River for you.”

“Man, they must really want me to buy that one, eh?” At least I was trying to find the humor in what was turning out to be a real time-suck of my afternoon.

“Just let me fix that…and there! Now let’s try it…”

*milliseconds later…*

“NOPE, still not going through. Nuts.”

*5 minutes of Gladys pointing, clicking, and staring at her screen later…*

“Ohhh…it looks like a few of these are out of stock. Just let me take them out of your order….”

“Now we’re making some progress!” I prematurely declared.

“Ah-hah! Success! The order is submitted. And let’s see…you’re total was $35.31…”

*30 seconds of mental math later…*

“Say, Glads, doesn’t that sound a little high to you for 7 samples at $3 each–6 of which were free?”

“Oh, my, you’re right! Let me see what’s going on here…”

*5 MORE minutes of Gladys pointing, clicking, and staring at her screen later…*

“Ah, the rascally system changed that back to 7 of Yukon River. So sorry about that! Let me call them and get a refund for you.”

“Uh, no need, no need!” I was on a schedule and couldn’t afford to go down yet another rabbit hole with ol’ Gladys.

“I insist, it’s the least I can do.”

“No need to spend more of your time on this. See here, I got the confirmation email pulled up right here on my phone, and I can just reply directly to their customer service.”

“But I feel so bad! Let me take care of it for you, puh-lease?!?”

As politely as I could, I just had to draw the line somewhere.

“No, no, you’re about to close, and it’ll take me just a few sec–ah! There! See, I already emailed them back and we should essentially consider the matter resolved…”

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“Hey, hey, hey! What’s happening here? Is Gladys taking care of you, Son?”

A guy in his 50s appeared out of the backroom and was kind enough to check in on us. I didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth.

“Uh, yeah, she’s been an excellent sales rep–helped me get some samples ordered even!”

“Sales rep? Oh, no, Gladys here is just the part-time receptionist,” the guy enlightened us.

“You don’t say! I would have never known the difference!” I continued with my web of lies.

Gladys piped up, “Well, he was actually looking for some prices, but the system said he would have to call to get them.”

“What are you talking about? Were you looking at our website again? I told you, you need to open up the Excel sheet with all our prices for that.”

*5 excruciatingly detailed steps repeated 2 and half times later…”

“Great news! I got the prices for all 10 of those colors you were interested in!” Gladys seemed delighted to be finally helpful, and didn’t pick up on the fact that I was dead-exhausted by now.

“Ok, I guess I can spare another, what? Ten-fifteen minutes? At least it will save me the inconvenience of a phone call…”

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The point of the story is never let a boomer get between you and a computer. You did pick up on that, right? She was on her store’s website instead of being in their internal system. So, save for that last part about the Excel spreadsheet, I could have just as easily ordered those samples myself, from the comfort of my own home. And I could have done it in 12 minutes, instead of an hour and 12 minutes!

So next time you or I or anybody you know that values their time finds themselves in a situation like this, don’t be afraid to jump in with this handy phrase:

“Okay, Boomer, please step away from the computer…”

It’ ‘s a phrase that might even save your life.

*A few seconds of reflecting on my over-usage of hyperbole later…*

Well, maybe not your life, but at least an hour of your time and a good chunk of your sanity…

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Content created on: 3/4 March 2023 (Fri/Sat)