We all hope to be remembered fondly for our charitable deeds.
But which one actually gets memorialized? Well, that depends…
“Hey Babe, I have to show you something you’re not going to believe!”
The Boss Lady and I were out for a stroll in a local park one fine evening in the summer of 2027, and she had apparently stumbled upon something that she thought would blow my mind.
“Okay, I’m going to cover your eyes and lead you to the surprise…no peeking, okay?”
I literally had no ----- clue what she was about to show me. Even when we finally stopped near the park bathrooms and she uncovered my eyes, I was no less confused.
“What the–?!? What am I looking at here?”
“Well, maybe you should read the inscription…”
I leaned over to examine the back of a beautiful park bench, and what appeared to be a limerick engraved on a immaculately-polished plaque.
My eyes skimmed over it several times, but each time only deepened my confusion. Was this some type of riddle?
“Yeah, I still have no idea what’s going on here. ‘R. Hendersen’?1I slightly modified my name to protect my privacy. Is that supposed to be me? If so, how did the heck did they get my name? And ‘depends’? Depends on what?”
“Well, first off, it’s clearly a park bench dedicated in your honor, silly!
She spoke as if it were patently obvious. It wasn’t.
“But…why?!?”
“Well, I was puzzled at first too, but I think I finally figured it out…”
“Please, enlighten me then.”
“So, do you remember back in 2020 when we were in the middle of the pandemic, and we started ordering all of our groceries online?”
“Uh-huh.” I still didn’t see what this had to do with the price of rice in China.
“And do you recall that after a few months we had upwards of 100 paper grocery bags cluttering our garage?”
“Yeah, that did get out of hand, didn’t it?”
“And since you ordered online, every single one of them had a sticker with ‘R. Hendersen’ on them so they would know it was yours when you picked them up.”
“Of course. Yet…”
“Patience, it will all make sense soon, Young Grasshopper. Anyways, between the paper bags and the pandemic, you got so overwhelmed with it all that you asked me to take care of the bags.”
“Ja, those bags took a surprising toll on my sanity…”
“Well, did you ever wonder what I did with them?”
“Uh, I always just assumed you threw them in the recycling…”
“Err, not exactly. I never told you this, but around that time, I happened to be dooms-scrolling on that site we used to call Facebook, and I randomly came across a post by a local charity requesting paper bag donations.”
“Okay…”
“Well, when I showed up with a trunk full of bags, I was surprised to learn that they needed them for delivering adult undergarments to senior citizens in our area. I was even more taken aback by how profusely the guy thanked me.”
” No sh*t? That’s crazy.”
“Yeah, apparently they were super-desperate for bags, and to him, I might as well have been an angel sent directly from heaven. I could swear he almost cried.”
“But…the park bench?”
“Oh yeah, thath. Our donation must have meant quite a bit to the local loose-sphinctered elderly folk, I guess. So much so that they must have showed their appreciation by erecting this bench in honor of their generous-yet-mysterious benefactor…”
“…’Mr. R. Hendersen’!”
“Exactly: ‘Mr. R. Hendersen’.”
“Well, apart from the fact that it should be ‘Dr. R. Hendersen’, I gotta say I’m quite flattered. Now that I know the backstory, let me re-read that plaque…”
With toilets afar from whence we sit,
Forever Grateful, ChathaM County Council On Aging
Shall we worry when our bowels move a bit?
Nay, a million thanks to one Mr. R. Hendersen
And his ample supply of much-needed Depends,
Allowing us now in our pants to peacefully sh*t!
“Hey, wait a minute! Does that mean what I think it means? And after all I did for them?!?”
The Boss Lady couldn’t help snickering a bit, taking a wee bit too much delight in confirming my fears:
“Yup. It sure sounds like to me that those old farts are literally taking a huge dump all over your good name…”
Content created on: 6/7 May 2022 (Fri/Sat)
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