When someone has a quasi-traumatic life experience, it’s natural to take time to process it.
But your dude? He doth processeth too much…
Editor’s note: you have found yourself in the thick of the epic, the one, the only, The Long Tale of COVID. If you need to catch up, you can find all the posts here. Enjoy!
“Jeez, how much longer am I going to have to hear about this? Just blog about it and get on with your life already!”
…and yet, here I am 6 months later, still trying to process things. But first, let’s go back to the moment My Beautiful Bride uttered those fateful words. Now, while she is generally emotionally supportive, My Double-B had already heard enough of me puzzling over how I had let myself get picked up on by my overly-attentive nurse during my now-infamous trip to the Urgent Care.
Okay, so I didn’t technically get “picked up” by Nurse Cami.
Weaseled my phone number out of me and texted me an improper amount of emojis? Yes. Yes, that did happen.
Was I picked up though? No, it didn’t quite come to that.
Oh, and technically–SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t already read the previous installments of this ----- sh*tshow that was me trying to manage my COVID, you better stop right now and go back so you can enjoy the full drama and intrigue–uh…now, where was I again?
Right. *ahem*: And technically, Nurse Cami, was, well, a dude.
So, not only was I offered up the opportunity to have an affair, but also the chance to try something completely different. Completely. Different.
I kinda like to think of it as “a personal invitation to an exclusive club”…and while I’m flattered, I’m pretty certain that is not the life for me. Nevertheless, like Jerry Seinfeld once noted, “men know that deep down we have weak sales resistance”1 https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0697741/characters/nm0000632 and that we should be concerned that “we can be talked into anything”–including…well, you know…
But! Praytell, though, made this guy take one look at me and say, “You look like a man I could a best friend with…”
To which I would have said, “But what about the hoes?”
And he would have of course replied with the airtight logic of, “Who needs the hoes?”
(Okay, just go watch this YouTube clip real quick so you can appreciate what I just did there….golly, you don’t know how long I’ve been waiting drop that reference…)
But I slightly digress…the question still stands: “Was it something I said?”
Do I just naturally use phrases in my everyday language that coincidentally happen to be buzzwords in that particularly community?
Like, am I always going around putting out a strong, “Well, I’m usually a donut type of guy, but man, I really wanna try a hot dog if only had the chance” type of vibe? I really need to know if I’m a walking *chick-magnet, you know? I don’t wanna be unwittingly breaking gay men’s hearts left and right.
So, maybe I need to go back and take a closer look at that ill-fated conversation with Nurse Cami. And, yes, if you hadn’t picked up on it by now, I’ve just suckered you into being my therapist for the next few minutes.
I present to you now, in no particular order, snippets from Conversaciones con Camilo…
“I’m staying at a hotel by myself…”
I guess if I lead with this, then maybe I could see how one might mistake that for being a detail that I really, really wanted to get across. An invitation even, perhaps.
Nevertheless, it was important contextual information related to my health condition, and I judge myself innocent on this count.
…
“Do you mind if I poke around here in your groin region?” said Nurse Cami at one point.
“Sure thing!” I said, “You seem like a trustworthy medical professional…”
Famous last words, you naive idiot…
*note: this naive idiot was experiencing discomfort in the groin region, so…again, context matters*
…
When ol’ Cami for some reason brings up his, uh, ‘adult pleasure paraphernalia’ collection, what do I say?
Well, in my head: “I pride myself on being a great listener,2Yes, I know I talk A LOT. But believe it or not, I have some pretty sweet listening skills. I just don’t like to show them off. Because I’m humble. Extremely humble. and it’s nice to give people the gift of being heard…”
But out loud, all Cami hears is “…oh please, do tell me more!”
…
Cami, talking a bit too frankly (because I was too nice and missed my chance about 5 topics back to stop the conversation from getting this far): “I really want to try more of those crazy techniques you read about on the internet, but not by myself–really would like a ‘friend’ to experiment with.”
Me, not picking up on the implied ‘wink, wink’, and hoping he finds happiness in life: “Well, I’m sure you’ll find someone to try all those crazy things with you.”
…
Me, about halfway through Cami’s life story: “Oh, so you didn’t really identify as gay until your late 20s? Tell me about that–I’m always curious to hear people’s stories of personal growth and change. Take me, for example: my whole life, olives were my sworn enemy, but around 30, I suddenly understood how to appreciate them. I’ve even grown to love them!”
Cami (paraphrased): “Yeah, it was just like that! Except what I learned to love was the salami…”
…
Cami, wrapping up things: “Well, I’ve really enjoyed our talk.”
Me, trying to show my genuine appreciation of the opportunity to make an unexpected human connection in the most unlikely of places: “It’s been a pleasant surprise. It’s been a real…pleasure, indeed.”
…
By the way, back when I mentioned Cami had to decide “what direction [he] wanted [his] life to head in” when he first moved to the U.S.–yeah, remember that?–well, at that time, being the indecisive guy he is, he swung both ways, so to speak. But in embarking upon his new life on American soil, for some reason he decided things would be much simpler if he chose a side when it came to boys vs. girls. Obviously, he chose to be a Macho Man.
And so now…
…
Speaking of random asides, how about threes cheers for pronouns, eh? You have no idea how impossibly hard it has been for me to not use pronouns during the last 5 Cami-related posts. So, he/him, she/her, they/them–no matter what pronouns you prefer, I thank you for greatly simplifying the process of creating intelligible sentences!
…
Nurse Cami: “So do you work out much?”
Me, thinking that he’s asking me a healthcare-related question: “No, not really since the pandemic started. But I’ve been pretty active lately remodeling my porch and back deck. You know, doing a lot of construction-type work on my house…”
Nurse Cami: “Oh, really? How interesting…”
Meanwhile, Nurse Cami’s imagination:
Me, noticing the far-off look in his eyes: “What ya thinking about, my dude?”
Nurse Cami: “Oh, nothing at all…”
Me in Nurse Cami’s imagination:
At the end of the day, I had to look deep into my own eyes in the mirror, and ask myself: “Am I…am I Tobias Fünke from the cult-classic TV show, Arrested Development?”3https://arresteddevelopment.fandom.com/wiki/Tobias_F%C3%BCnke
The really tragedy in this moment is that more likely than not, Dear Reader, you have never watched that show, and thus would have to work really hard to appreciate the humor in the fact that I would ask myself that question.
But fear not! I shall leave you with a couple of YouTube clips that actually somewhat captures the long-running joke that Tobias–“the world’s first self-proclaimed analyst/therapist” or ‘analrapist’, as he prefers–says so many things with a straight face4Pun intended–completely oblivious to how, well, overtly gay he sounds:
To quote Michael Bluth, may be I had “just so many poorly chosen words in that sentence…”
Oh! But wait! We are not done yet! Almost done, but not quite…have you already forgotten about my promise to deliver a certain G-word not once, not twice, but three times throughout this story?
Nay, just like Peter hearing the ----- crow thrice before the man he loved really got nailed–
Oh. I see what Michael Bluth (from that last YouTube clips above that you definitely just watched) means when he told Tobias:
“Just so many poorly chosen words in that sentence…”
Content created on: 9/10/11 December 2022 (Fri/Sat/Sun)
Footnotes & References:
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