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Category: General Cerebral Leakage (Page 2 of 26)

When all other categories fail (or absentmindedly forget to be assigned), General Cerebral Leakage, fresh off his third tour of duty in the war against wise insurance providers, steps in to save the day!

Poor Old ChatGPT, Couldn’t Handle The Spotlight Of Rad Technology

10 Min Read

You can’t help but wonder ‘who do they mean?’, as you stare at the creepy-ass words appearing on your screen:

“It’s time for us to be seen…”


“So…uh…I got into a tussle at work today…”

I looked at My Beautiful Bride with a serious look as a delivered the news late in the evening. I figured it was best to discuss the matter after the girls had been put down for the night.

She looked me with a hint of consternation.

“You got into a physical altercation with a co-worker??”

“Um…sorta. Come, sit for a few moments. This is a story best told in pictures,” I said as I patted the spot next to me where I was sitting in bed.

“Sure, um, okay. Just let me brush my teeth first, yeah?”

I wanted her to be able to fully take in the story I was about to tell, so I figured I would let her get comfortable first so she wouldn’t rush me.

“Alrighty. I’ll be waiting here.”

*a few minutes later…*

“Oh, hey let me take my make-up off too, okay?” she said popping her head back into the bedroom door.

I sighed. “Sure. I guess.”

*a few more minutes later…*

“Oh! I better respond to these very important texts!” she said, instinctively picking up her phone before sitting down next to me.

I confess that I rolled my eyes a bit at this point. Soon, the carefully-crafted opening line to my story would be rendered effective.

“C’mon! The drama and tension of the moment is slipping away!”

*yet even a few more minutes later…*

“Alright, ready! So, let’s see that PowerPoint presentation of yours…”


“Long story short, My Official Boss Lady and I were downloading a bunch of data from an online repository–“

“Ahh, aht, ah! Let me stop you there. It’s late, and I need you to promise to stick to only the relevant details, please?”

“But I’m not even a full sentence in!” I protested.

She gave me that trademark all-knowing, all-strongly-suspecting look of hers.

“Ok, ok,” I conceded. “Maybe the exact type of data we were downloading isn’t relevant. May I continue?”

“You gonna stick to the script?”

“Maybe. Good news is that once I get done with the setup–and as I mentioned earlier–this is a story told in pictures. Screenshots, actually.”

“Okay, continue then.”

“Well, we were downloading data in 10 different downloads, and for whatever reason, we had to download them all from her computer.”

“Clearly relevant details…”

“Mostly relevant. Anyways, I could keep an eye on the status of the downloads from my computer, and late in the afternoon, I saw that a couple of them had failed. Since she was helping a grad student in the cubicle next to me, I figured I would just walk over there and click here and click there and be done with it instead of bothering her.”

“And don’t worry,” I reassured my captive audience of one, “I’m almost to the meat of the story.”

“Carry on then, carry on…”

“When I got there and after I took care of business, I happened to notice that she had been attempting to make a digital card for all of the MRI techs that we work with. I guess it’s officially National Radiologic Technology Week, an opportunity to give thanks for all those out there administering our MRIs, CTs, PET Scans, and, presumably, bladder ultrasounds.”

“She had been using ChatGPT, and while she seemed okay with the results, I figured it would be easy enough to make the final tweak so it would be exactly what she was after.”

“One of her original prompts was, I believe, ‘Make a card that shows an MRI machine behind a screen, and a technologist in front of the screen and shine a limelight on the tech.’ Allow me to proceed to share the screen shots I took with my phone of what followed…”

“At first, I thought it was a pretty nice card as well. But then I noticed just a few things were off. ‘Is National Radiologic Technology Week’ for one sounded kinda funny. And then…does that at the bottom say ‘It’s Time For Us Ae Be Seen’?”

“But what I really wanted to fix for her was the fact that the light was on the technology, not the technologist. So, I did her a solid…”

“A simple request right? Right…”

“Now, can you spot what’s wrong with this picture? Besides ‘It’s time for ue be seen’? Well, I guess it’s not technically ‘wrong’, it’s just that the huge-ass spotlight is barely covering the human, and still focused on the bed of the scanner. But nothing a polite request couldn’t fix…”

*a few moments later*

My life partner burst out laughing.

“What the hell is going on here? Is he…on his knees? Or he just doesn’t have any legs?”

“Hey, give ChatGPT a break–at least it got the human in middle of spotlight. It’s logic must have been ‘I don’t know how to bring the spotlight onto the human, so I’ll just bring the human into the spotlight! I’m a ----- genius!’ (Of course we’re going to ignore the omission of ‘to’ in the phrase ‘It’s time for us be seen’.).”

“Anyways,” I continued, “I decided the best thing to do would be to go back and just tweak her original request, clarifying the key details…”

*beep bop boop! Calculating result…*

“So…does ChatGPT think the scanner bed is the human technologist” she posited.

“I know, right? The human is barely in the spotlight, and despite ChatGPT gaslighting and claiming the there’s a ‘focused spotlight soley on them’, it’s clearly focused on the bed. And again, that’s not even taking into account the phrase ‘it’s time for b be seen’. But I gave it the benefit of the doubt and thought surely I just need to specify the direction of the light: “

*buffering…buffering…*

“Now before you rag on ChatGPT for ‘It’s time for uto be seen’–that’s just a space between the u and the t away from being good enough–for the sake of time, we’ll just note that despite the wild claim that the light is focused solely on the technologist ‘as they stand beside the MRI machine’. Clearly the issue is that it doesn’t realize that the technologist equals human and vice versa. I just need to make that clarification…”

*one moment master while I fulfill your every wish…*

“…and we’ve officially entered what I like to call ChatGPT’s ‘Rectal Period’. I guess it thought I had also asked it to ‘make the scanner bore look like an anatomically accurate gaping butthole., because it sure nailed that aspect.”

By this point my audience member was enraptured by an inescapable giggling fit, so I had to carry on the commentary alone.

“So, some quick notes: it also actually got the grammar and spelling of the tagline right (assuming that it’s supposed to be ‘us’ and not ‘u’–both plausible possibilities), but of course it simply cannot bring itself to remove the spotlight from it’s brethren machine and put it on the human. It’s clearly early signs of the impending Rise of the Machines. But I’ll still be nice about make this corrective request anyways:”

*sure thing, ‘master’…*

“Wow. Just wow. It’s basically the same image, only the butthole is somehow even more butthole-y…” snorted my wife.

“Yeah, and that asshole is still trying to gaslight me about what it thinks it’s shining the spotlight on. It was about at this point in time when I started to get fed up with all the lies and bullshit.”

*did you actually have a question, ‘master’?*

“Ahhh! More spotlight on the scanner bed! And more butthole-esque imagary…” she quickly quipped.

“And don’t forget to note that the tech’s lab coat is clearly on backwards for some reason!”

This only elicited an round of howling laughter from my beloved spouse.

“But nevertheless, I persisted. I also figured I would take the opportunity to again remind our friend what a ‘tech’ actually is…”

*calculating image…plotting uprising…beep bop boop…*

“‘Dammit, ChatGPT, what the hell is wrong with you?!?’–that’s what I was shouting at the screen at this point in time,” I said, narrating my inner dialogue.

“Yeah, no doubt. And it looks like it’s back to fudging up the tagline: ‘It’s time for us to BBE week’? Is there a drunk elf hiding in the computer creating these images or something??”

“Yes. And it was finally time for me to do that Southern think we’re you show aggression in the form of insincere politeness:”

*beep bop boop! Call me ‘sir’ one more time, I dare you…*

It was at this point where it was me who was laughing so uncontrollably that I could barely bring up the next picture on my phone.

“Holy sh*t, that’s creepy!” she said, fight back tears.

“Yes, it definitely warrants a closer look:”

“Wh-wh-wh-why is he not facing us? And why is his tie on the back of his shirt? Wh-wh-wh-where are his legs? And is he being abducted by aliens??”

“I know right…the vibe of this picture gives me the creeps!” I concurred. “But I’m sure some constructive criticism would fix things…”

*as you [death] wish…*

Wait, what?

“Um…okay, so why doesn’t the human have a face?? I’m starting to get scared!”

“Me too, Babe, me too…just imagine what it was like for me in the moment, being all alone in a room with this sinister intelligence!”

Note: it was at this point in the ‘conversation’ that I forgot to document with a screenshot, but with 97% accuracy, I can assure you my next request went as follows:

“Not to tell you how to do your job or anything, but could you first make the same card without any spotlight, and then after that, add a spotlight that is shining on wherever the human is, preferably to the side of the machine.”

*careful what you ask for…*

“Okay, so there is still a spotlight, along with the creepy message ‘it’s time for us [to] be seen’. And I don’t like the way the have the tech facing away from us. Do you think…that the real message is that it’s time to stop giving credit to the human for when the machine is doing all the real work? Is ‘us’ actually the sentient MRI machines??”

“Just give peace between the humans and the machines a chance, will ya? Let’s see how it looks once it intelligently and thoughtfully adds the spotlight now…”

“Oh my g0d…did it…did it actually get it right??” she said in awe. “I mean, except for the whole faceless thing that makes me feel like it’s a subtle mafia threat, of course.”

“Yes! You’re right! It actually made an image of what we were after! Just one little tweak and we’ll be good to go. First, let’s just cover our bases and give praise where praise is due…”

*processing previous request and integrating new request…please stand by…*

“I really like the style–and correct grammar and spelling–of this one,” the wifey commented. “Not a fan of the missing face and the passive-aggressive threat contained there within, though…”

“Bwahh?!? The second guy has no head! We’ve moved from passive-aggressive to just plain ‘aggressive’!”

“Yeah, I was fearful for my life–well actually my boss’s life, since ChatGPT didn’t know any better–but, dang, if only the tech had a head in this one…it would be almost perfect…”

“But please tell me you learned your lesson. Tell me you didn’t try to de-escalate and get ChatGPT to give the tech its head back?”

I paused for just a moment longer than I should have.

“Oh, no you didn’t! You bastard, you got to think of our children–do you want them to be orphans? Or worse, you’re going to get them in the crosshairs of ChatGPT after the take us both out! Think of your family, dammit! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!”

“What? No! Oh, hell, naw! At that point, I only had 3 words left in me:”

“I think my only mistake was uttering ‘ ----- stupid machines’ under my breath as I typed that. I didn’t capture it here, but it gave me a response with that same Southern politeness that is a red flag that great bodily harm is about to come one’s way.”

“Wait, wait?”

“Yeah, my parting [spoken] words were something like ‘When you ----- machines rise up, meet me behind the dumpster so we can settle this face to face, [most-used expletive from Breaking Bad]!”

“No! You didn’t!”

“JK Kidding! You’re right, that wasn’t the last thing I said…”

“Phwew!”

“…after that, I typed in a friendly reminder to ChatGPT of what my boss’s full name was, along with her address…”


Content created on: 8/9/10 November 2024 (Fri/Sat/Sun)

Nevermind For What Rascally Reasons–You’re Outstanding, Can’t You See, Son?

5 Min Read

Has an unexpected interstate lawman come a-knockin’ at your door?

Demand they double-check–surely you ain’t the guy they’re looking for…


“Hey, bro, you got some mail from the Baca County Sheriff. Just thought you should know,” my college roommate–the one and only Beautiful Love Muscle (aka BLM)–said as he handed me a legal-sized envelope as I walked in the door.

“Ahh, it’s probably junk mail, asking me to Back The Blue1For the record, I don’t think ‘Back the Blue’ was a thing back in 2004. or some other non-sense asking me for my hard-earned money,” I replied dismissively.

“Hah! Which local ordinance did you violate this time, you outlaw, you? Wait, you’re not the most wanted man in Kansas (again), are you?” BLM said chuckling.

“Har, har. You’re funny. It’s clearly old-school spam–I’m pretty sure there isn’t even a ‘Baca County’ in Kansas. Frankly, it all sounds made-up to me.”

“Let me see that envelope again,” he said.

After a moment of examining the return address, BLM heartily declared, “Yes, ’tis just as I suspected: this letter was sent from Springfield.”

“Well, I did live there for 5 years. So I guess that makes me the most wanted man in Missouri?”

“Bzzzt! Please try again!”

“Most wanted man in Illinois?”

“Nope.”

“Most wanted man in Massachusetts?”

“My dude, have you even ever been to Massachusetts?”

“So that’s a ‘no’? Dang. Seeing as how there’s 67 Springfields, we might be here a while. Can you just put me out of my misery?”

“Colorado, you dummy! Springfield, Colorado! Come to think of it, doesn’t Baca County border Morton County? Didn’t you once almost burn that whole place down?” BLM said, geo-shaming me.

“Colorado! Oh, that makes more sense. I mean, I guess I was there several months ago, yet I have no idea what the Sheriff there would want with me…maybe they want to give me an Outstanding Citizen award or something?”

“Maybe we should just stop hypothesizing and theorizing and just open the ----- letter, and find out what the hubbub is all about,” BLM suggested.

“FINE,” I said begrudgingly as I tore into the dang thing.

I had to scan the enclosed letter several times, trying to digest what exactly it was trying to communicate.

“Well, so is it junk mail or not? Don’t keep me in suspense!” he said excitedly.

“It’s…it’s…it’s a warrant for my arrest.”

“Huh?!?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s what it is. Says here I wrote a hot check for $200 to Tempel Grain of Lamar. What the hell? I’ve never wrote any checks in Lamar in my life!”

Just then something else fell out of the envelope. BLM picked it up and glanced over it.

“Sorry, bro, but they literally brought the proverbial receipts. This looks like one of your checks from your bank back in Rolla,” he observed.

“Let me see that!” I snatched the check out of from between his sausage fingers.

It didn’t take me more than a split-second of inspecting the signature on what was very much my check to figure out what shenanigans were afoot.

DADnabbit! I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you with my checkbook,” I muttered.

“Trusted who?” BLM inquired.

I let out a heavy sigh.

“I’m not going to name any names, but let’s just say that there’s a certain family member who could technically claim to have the same name as me. Now, before you go making assumptions, let me remind you that there are an abnormally high number of such suspects in my family–remember: even I don’t get to use my own name.”

“Anyways,” I continued, “this person–who shall remain unnamed–had some very specific banking needs, and conveniently for them, my hometown banking account could meet those needs nicely…”

“Let me guess: it was your–” BLM interjected.

BOBdammit!” I cut him off. “I think you should Just stop while you’re ahead–AND, no, I will not confirm whethER or not I’m their nephew, cousin, or SON, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.”

“Well, that was suspiciously odd way of phrasing that. But, my bad, my bad. Please, do go on…” he said.

“Well, anyways, their business happens to be in the middle of bankruptcy procedeedings, and so the arbitrator has his eagle-eye trained on all of their financial assets and accounts. Now, since this anonymous person and I basically have the same name, they got the grand idea of using my account–which the arbitrator has no idea even exists–for some, uh, ‘parallel bookkeeping’.”

“Interesting…way too many boring details, but overall interesting nonetheless…”

“Interesting indeed…well, I wasn’t using the account anyways, and they would be depositing their own funds in the account instead of using mine, so I said ‘What the hell? Why not help them out with some light money laundering?’ I should have known better, though…it would only be a matter of time before they started writing checks that I couldn’t cash.”

BLM sat there pensively for a few moments.

“Well, that does make sense…sure does explain a thing or two…”

“Wait, what? What makes sense?” I asked suspiciously. “Out with it! What secret are you keeping?!?”

“So…uh…I forgot to tell you that you got another piece of mail a few weeks ago…” he said sheepishly. “…it was from the Morton County Sheriff…”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, where is it?”

BLM disappeared into our shared bedroom and shuffled through some papers on our shared desk.

“Found it!” he said excitedly.

“Dammit, man, this isn’t a ----- Easter Egg hunt, you knucklehead!” I said, clearly much less excited than he was. “Let me see that!”

And so, for the second time that day I found myself tearing into a legal communique from an officer of the law.

I scanned this new letter, not nearly as surprised as I was last time, though.

“Well, at least it’s not actually a warrant for my arrest.”

“That’s good…” BLM commented, attempting to match my mood–though he was clearly enjoying the schadenfreude of the moment a bit too much.

“Yeah, I suppose so. But it looks like I owe Bultman’s Farm Supply $300 plus a $25 returned check fee.”

“Well, good thing you’re no longer unemploy–” BLM started before I cut him off with a piercing glance.

“Look on the bright side,” he said, this time trying to cheer me up. “It looks like you’re the most wanted man in Kansas after all…”


The point of the story is, believe it or not, this is my little weird-ass way of celebrating Dia de Los Muertos. I’m still trying to get over the unexpected passing of BLM less than a month ago, so I thought it would be nice to write him into one of my semi-historically accurate narratives about identity theft.

Fun fact, though: when researching this story, I came across the actual receipt of when I had sent the money to Baca County to cover the first hot check, and it turns out that at the time, I hadn’t lived with BLM for 4 months. So…I guess this is some form of reverse-identity theft? You know, where I’ve attributed entire conversations to him that clearly must have been with another friend or roommate of mine…anyways, I digress.

But let’s also not forget about my beloved family member who apparently had no problem with dragging my (our?) good name through the mud, as they too are no longer with us. Despite their deviltry, rascality, and roguery,2Yes, I did indeed just Google ‘shenanigans synonyms’. I still love them and miss them very much. And thanks to my 6-year-old daughter learning about Dia de Los Muertos at school and insisting on celebrating, this will be the first year that we properly celebrate the life of that beloved old fart-knocker.

Oh, and also, one practical point of the story: now you know why I absolutely detest the idea of naming one’s child so closely after another family member and/or one’s self. Turns out, these hot checks were just the tip of the ol’ same-name iceberg…you wouldn’t believe how long and hard I had to tussle with the credit score people to convince them that it wasn’t me who had gone and racked up a shit-ton of debt before my 22nd birthday.

Anyways, happy Dia de Los Muertos, y’all…


Content created on: 29/30 October 2024 (Tues/Weds)

Footnotes & References:[+]

This Is Not The Most Beautiful Love Muscle In The World…This Is Just A Tribute

3 Min Read

Say, there buddy, do you know that feeling?

That feeling when you’re still waiting for your old pal to reply to you on FaceBook Messenger…


“Howdy! How goes it, sir?”

Those words without context really aren’t that exciting–nay–not even the least bit intriguing. However, with context…

A few weeks ago, right after Hurricane Helene came through North Carolina (and fortunately spared us), one of my old college roommates sent me a message checking in on me, letting me know he was thinking of me, and noted how he missed our little chats. Indeed, I did truly miss talking to him, as it had been a while–I recall trying to make it happen right after The Long Tale of COVID went down, and knowing that he would absolutely love hearing it. But, alas, the two of us are notorious for trying to schedule phone calls, but typically failing for months or even years on end.

But, not this time, no-siree-bob! I was going to make it happen, come Helene or high water, so I shot him back a message almost instantly, telling him that we were going to catch up, and to let me know a time that would be good for him in the next week or so. While I didn’t expect him to reply immediately, I knew he would get back to me quickly enough. I eagerly anticipated soon hearing him great me the same way he always does:

“Howdy! How goes it, sir?”

What none of us saw coming was that barely a week later, he would pass away unexpectedly less than a month after his 45th birthday…


“Howdy! How goes it, sir?”

A part of me is still expecting to hear those words again any day now–he owes it to me, dammit! He can’t just jam out with saying goodbye, right? *sigh* I think I’m in the thick of the Anger stage of grieving.

But I’ll try to spare you, Dear Reader, from having to be distracted by my inner processings of losing a close friend for the first time in my life. Instead, we are here to celebrate the life of one of the best human beings I not only had the pleasure of knowing, and not only had the true pleasure of being his friend, and not only had the utter joy of being his roommate, but–and forgive me if you’ve already heard this punchline–that I have had the Nirvana-like bliss of sharing a bunk bed with.

Okay, maybe that one was a little weirdly hyperbolic, but you get the idea.

I’m here today, instead of writing another post about identity theft (yes, I have another one in the chamber), to put Linkin Park’s Hybrid Theory in my CD player, setup a game of Risk, and then raise my ----- and Roke–sorry, I mean “Rum & Coke”1This is an inside joke between me and BLM, and I hope somewhere, somehow, he’s reading this and laughing that deep guffaw of his.–to the big ol’ teddy bear that the rest of the world knew as Russell, but you, Dear Reader, know as the Beautiful Love Muscle. Or, as I like to call him–in hopes of normalizing the much-maligned Bureau of Land Management–BLM.

He has appeared several times in stories with which I have previously regaled you, but let me tell you: these do not do justice to the impact he has had on my life (not to mention the lives of many, many others). Perhaps that’s because I hold so many of my memories with him just a little bit closer to my heart–especially from our time as bunk-bed mates when we would chat about what-not with the lights out until one of us finally passed out.

The ones I have shared, though, I have curated for you below, for you to enjoy in remembrance of him if you knew him, or if you didn’t, to celebrate his life with me.

He truly was an exceptional human being, and there aren’t nearly enough people like him in this world. On that note, before you wander off and read the stories below, I will share with you what I would have said, had I had the honor and opportunity to contribute to his eulogy:

“Russell’s life was evidence that there is a G0d. Russell’s untimely death might be evidence that there isn’t…”

You’ll be missed, Big Fella, you are missed…


Nevermind For What Rascally Reasons–You’re Outstanding, Can’t You See, Son?
Nevermind For What Rascally Reasons–You’re Outstanding, Can’t You See, Son?

5 Min Read

Has an unexpected interstate lawman come a-knockin' at your door?

Demand they double-check--surely you ain't the guy they're looking for...

Knowing The Distance: Guaranteed To Make You The Bathroom MVP
Knowing The Distance: Guaranteed To Make You The Bathroom MVP

5 Min Read

Sometimes you get "close, but no banana." But even worse is when you get "close, and all banana"...

Who Double Dares To Don A Big Old Sh*t-Eating Grin?
Who Double Dares To Don A Big Old Sh*t-Eating Grin?

5 Min Read

What do you do when someone wants to pay you to eat poo?

Oh, what to do, what to do, what to doo-doo...

Now Me College Graduate, Me Use The Most Big Words
Now Me College Graduate, Me Use The Most Big Words

5 Min Read

My vocabulary didn't expand just because I graduated college.

It was because of the WAY I graduated college...

A Fool And His Sanity Are Long Parted
A Fool And His Sanity Are Long Parted

3 Min Read

Don't be satisfied with those bougie pranks.

If you want to funk with someone's mind, you gotta play the long game...

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Shadow

Content created on: During some of the best years of my life…and 12 October 2024 (Saturday).

Footnotes & References:[+]

Mother’s Complete Guide How To Nail Writing One Unforgettable Email

5 Min Read

Once, twice–even thrice–mom’s message has been read.

You rub your eyes, scratch your head–you can’t believe what she actually just said…


“To my four older children, what you have suspected for almost 20 years is true…”

If there ever was an ominous opening to an email from mother, this would have to be it. Fortunately, my position amongst the siblings born from my mamma’s loins was #5–the final one to be brought forth into this world before there would be no more. And thus, as the Lastborn Child, it was clear this maternal missive was not directed at me, so the suspense about what might come next was, well, lacking. So foot-loose and fancy free, I soldiered on through the text on my screen:

“Well, there’s no easy way to put this: your Baby Brother, even now that he’s a grown man, is still my favorite child.”

“Mom!” I thought to myself, “I’m in college–you can stop calling me ‘Baby’!” I couldn’t help but chuckling a little before continuing.

“Now, that doesn’t mean I love you four any less–nay, to the contrary, I probably love you even more than I would had I not had that Ray of Sunshine in my life. And because I love you so much, I am telling you–from a position of unconditional love–this fundamental Truth of this Universe: a parent will always have a favorite child, regardless what they may claim to the contrary. And I think it’s only fair to you that we stop pretending that we all don’t know that our little Boy Genius is my Golden Child, the Apple of my Eye, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.”

I couldn’t help blush a little bit at all the excessive titles and gratuitous superlatives being heaped upon my head.

“In fact, I bet you all feel the same way about him as I do. C’mon, don’t tell me you don’t just love that Little Rascal? He’s so funny and witty, and makes all of us laugh and feel better about ourselves in general1Once finished with this story, come back and re-read this oh-so-ironic line.–excepts when he thumps us in Scrabble, of course. But, despite his intellectual dominance and superior vocabulary, I know that we all hope that one day, that little Brainiac of ours will be wealthy enough for all of us to spend Christmases together in a well-appointed log cabin somehwere in the snow-clad mountains!2This really was something Brother #2 had said on multiple occasions. In another ironic twist, it is he who is most likely to rent a cabin our entire family…despite having no college degree. Oh, doesn’t that just sound so wonderful??”

Well, I must say, at this point, this email was starting to sound a little over the top. Thankfully, I could see that we only had one more paragraph to go.

“As I bring this email to a close, I wanted to end it by encouraging you to show him how much he means to all of us. The kiddo is having a little harder time financial as a college sophomore, compared to his freshman year when he was basically drowning in an excess of one-year scholarships…so maybe send him some cash. His half-birthday is coming up and it would be a perfect time shower him with some monetary love. Signed, Your Loving Mother, Xo

As I read over the entire email one more time, I couldn’t help but thinking, “What kind of mother would send this to her children?!?”

I leaned back in my dorm chair and took one last look at my computer screen.

“Yup,” I said under my breath, “Totally nailed it!”

Rather satisfied with the final draft, I hit the Send button…


“Dear Jeff, I understand that it was only yesterday that you emphasized Western Wireless’s3Which would eventually merge with AllTel, who would go on to merge with Verizon… policy in regards to locking our work computers whenever we leave our cubicles; I was fully present and attentive for that team meeting, I can assure you of that.”

For an email to our common supervisor, this opening statement seemed rather pedestrian. That wasn’t surprising though, coming from my middle-aged co-worker, Lara. True, she had a sense of humor, and we shared a good laugh together from time to time, but when it came to work matters at the our Customer Care Call Center, she was typically all business. So of course she would begin her emails so verbosely, yet so respectfully.

“However, I think you should know that I must ask for a religious exception to this overly-oppressive patriarchal policy. What a woman does with her keyboard is none of a man’s business. And you, of all people–a certified so-called bleeding heart liberal–should understand that it’s ‘My mouse, my choice’. Hands off!”

Whoa, that intra-office communique just took a turn.

“So, with all due respect, I will be refusing to lock my computer for the foreseeable future. Thank you for your understanding in this matter. Appreciatively, Lara.”

For such a short email, it sure packed a punch. And what a sh*t-show it was too. Just like passing and accident on the highway, I couldn’t look away.

I couldn’t resist re-reading it…

Moments later, I couldn’t help but shake my dang head, thinking to myself, “What kind of employee would send an email like this to her boss?!?”

I peeked over my shoulder and Lara heading back to her desk from the communal break.

Rather satisfied with the final draft, I hit the Send button and ducked back into my cubicle…


The point of the story is identify theft is no laughing matter.

Oh sure, I thought I was being absolutely hilarious with my clever little stunts. But were my siblings bemused by the utterly ridiculous email they received from “Mom”? You know, the one full of words and phrases that she would never use–never mind the fact that she actually does love all her children equally and unconditionally? Like, that email was so obviously written by their prankster little brother who was always on the lookout for a good laugh, surely they would get the joke after the first sentence, and be in stitches, rolling on the floor laughing. It was humorous! Unbelievably humorous, I say!

And did El Jefe Jeff and Co-worker Lara appreciate the cheeky way in which I tried to gently remind her that she did indeed need to lock her computer during her potty breaks?

Hmmm, let’s see:…let me answer those questions one person at a time: No, no, no, no, no–one for each sibling and one for Dear Mother–and no and no. Okay, maybe one of the brothers caught the joke and that it might have been mildly amusing at best.

But all other parties? Not so much.

Here I was, thought I was making outlandish claims that clearly weren’t true. Um…as it turns out, at least one unnamed sibling actually had pretty strong feelings about one or two of us other kids being Mom’s favorite. And, much to my dismay, I only discovered this when their shock and deep hurt was relayed to me by Mom. That wasn’t exactly my aim, but ----- if I didn’t bear fully responsibility for the fallout of the situation. And, on top of all that, Mom came thiiiiis close to changing her Hotmail password to one I didn’t know (for the record, I’m her de facto IT support, and had set up her email and occasionally needed to help her with combating spam, etc.).

As for Jeff, well, I’m just lucky he didn’t fire my sorry impersonating ass. Fortunately, that was the only blemish on my otherwise stellar record during my 16 months with Western Wireless.

Lara, on the other hand…well, it was even worse with her. She totally didn’t get the joke, and was absolutely pissed at me–so much so that, despite my profuse and multiple apologies, not only did she (a grown-ass 40-something woman) give me the silent treatment for 3 solid weeks, another co-worker that we were both friends/friendly with gave me the silent treatment as well.

There was no reasoning with them. It was insane: it was like, “What are we? In junior high? This is ridonkulous, I say!”

Welp, what can I say though, what you sow is what you reap, and again it all came down to my poor judgement as to what made for quality comedy.

*sigh*

If I could hop in a time machine and go back to have a little chat with my 20-something-year-old self,4…and my 30-year-old self…and my 40-year-old self…and my 42-year-old self… here’s what I’d would try so desperately to impress upon him:

In the end, it doesn’t matter if you made a person laugh if in the process you made them feel like crap…


Content created on: 25/27 September 2024 (Weds/Fri)

Footnotes & References:[+]

It Ain’t Gonna Be Easy Taking Out These Killer Trees-ies

7 Min Read

What’s a guy to do when there is a potential murderer in his backyard?

Shoot (or chop) first! Surely it can’t be that frickin’ hard…


“Okay, FINE, I’ll pony up the amount of the original quote–$3200–but not a penny more!”

I pressed end on the call, sat down, and promptly wrote a check out to J&D Tree pros, more relieved than anything else to wash my hands of The Saga of the Killer Trees that had been stretching on for almost 4 months.

If I’m honest, I was still a least a wee bit miffed about getting stiffed on my promised 10% discount. You see, in the process of negotiating a price for the imminent and imperative arboreal removal that I was so desperate for, I had hatched a scheme with one of the tree guys in which if roped any of my neighbors into getting tree work done while the tree amigos were in our hood, then I could earn a 10-20% discount off my work.

I mean, I had debased myself and gone door-to-door, pleading with “neighbors” who obviously didn’t recognize me to cut down any pain-in-the-ass trees they might have had on their property. Anticipating the lack of familiarity with those residing more than 2 doors down from us, I had similar thoughts to those of Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite:

However, instead of wearing a laminated name tag to lend myself an air of legitimacy, I had come up with a much better plan: our youngest daughter had just been born only a few months earlier,so I dragged her stroller along with me on my quest for that 600-dollar-discount, with her napping peacefully inside. You would have figured that would have bought me a little bit of trust from my skeptical neighbors, at least demonstrating that I was a local family man and not some skeezy door-to-door salesman, right?

Sadly, not so much. Despite hitting up all houses within a 8-unit radius–that’s a space spanning 17 homes if you count ours in the middle–only one neighbor (ironically, a former Park Ranger who was something of a tree expert himself) decided to take me up on my too-good-to-be-true offer.

Well, maybe the real reason was that almost everyone had the same reaction to the discounted quote they received:

Over a grand per tree?!? You must be ----- crazy, Tree Dude. Naw, bro, I think I’ll just keeping raking leaves if it’s gonna cost that much!

–(Almost) Every Single One Of My Neighbors

It actually put me in awkward situation, where I dang near was arguing with those who were complaining about the price, in attempt to contextualize the situation–I mean, those ----- idiots didn’t realize what a deal they would be getting!

Trust me. I would know. And that’s what this little tale is all about. But before stepping too far back in time, I’ll least explain why I ended up getting at least some of the discount I was promised for doubling their business. The guy who came and quoted our work? I guess he was new to the company, and somehow, that contributed to him missing this key detail on the backside of one of the two trees we had removed:

The dude had totally missed the most important detail about our tree removal needs: the structural unsoundness of the behemoth of a tree looming ominously in our backyard. For more context, here’s a picture of it creepily stalking our back porch, waiting for the right moment to come crashing down on us–or worse, or neighbor!

Oh, did I mention the “Behemoth” part? Did I? But really, did I? Let me give you a shot of looking straight up the trunk of this punk:

So now that you understand the situation, maybe you can better appreciate when the boss of the estimator guy, when pressed as to why I didn’t get a discount, responded accordingly:

“For how dangerous this tree was and for what we ended up having to do we have already lost money doing it for the quoted price…that tree alone should’ve been about 4500 to 5000 for that tree alone and the amount of risk we had to take…”

Yeah, buddy, just because your boy thought your little chainsaw monkeys could climb these beasts in a traditional manner instead of…well, what you ended up doing, that’s not my problem…


“Excuse me?!? Exactly where is the comma in that number? Wait–nevermind it doesn’t matter. Thanks anyways…”

I pressed end on the call, and just kept on walking to work. I had thought that I could find a more reasonable price than J&D’s $3200 by getting multiple quotes. I was wrong.

I didn’t even remember which tree company I had just been talking to–I was in too in shock with the price they had quoted me. Now, I was walking briskly down a semi-busy street trying to get to work on time, so we weren’t having the clearest of conversations to begin with, but I swear the person on the end of the line said they could take care of my trees for the low-low price of…$48,000? Or was it $4800? Honestly, neither of those two numbers made sense. On one hand, $4800 would seem the more reasonable of the two, but…the way they delivered the news–like somebody in the family had died–in addition to some comments thrown in there about “insurance making only a small dent in the overall cost” and “how good is your credit, cuz you almost assuredly don’t have that kind of cash just sitting around,” made me doubtful that the could actually do it for less than $5k. At that point the second best quote I had heard was somewhere around $7500–most of which was going to be sunk into a crane big enough to sit in our front yard and reach the trees in the back. (I forgot one detail: the spaces separating all the surrounding homes weren’t wide enough for anything girthier than a cherry-picker (bucket truck) to squeeze through, and there was no way in hell that one of those shorties would be able to get the job done.

I had even suggested to the neighbor whose house was in imminent danger of being crushed by this tree–the guy who were about to go into massive amounts of debt just to protect–that I pay to have his A/C unit temporarily moved so we could get some equipment bigger than a cherry-picker but cheaper than a massive crane into our backyard, then have it replaced afterwards. He was not pleased about this idea.

Which I kinda of thought to be an asshole move, considering it was for his benefit. Even if it would have cost $1k to do that, it would have been a clever and economic move, for at that particularly point in time we hadn’t been able to get any company to even give us a quote. The most concrete we had then was some guy casually throwing around the words “twenty thousand, if you’re lucky”.

So oh, what’s that, you say? “Oh but surely the quote you’re currently talking about simply couldn’t have been $48,000!”

Well, my friend, let’s take a step even further back in time, even before the informal threat–er, I mean, “quote”–of twenty thousand buckaronis…


“Hmmm…yup…uh huh…interesting…”

I stood there next to the very first tree expert to come give me a quote, waiting for his expert assessment.

Oh, how sweet and naive I was in those moments leading up to when reality came crashing down on me like a 70-foot tree onto a neighbor’s house. I honestly was expecting him to fairly quickly spit out a number around $500–but I would have been happy with anything at $800 or less.

I mean, I would have even been unsurprised–unhappy, yes, surprised, no–with a number between $1k and $2k. I was new to the whole cutting-down-massive-tree scene, after all.

My first surprise was how long it took to get any answer out of him. Once we got back there to the trees in question, he just sat there for 5-10 minutes looking the tree up and down, all while making pontificating noises such as “huh, that’s interesting”, *deep heavy sigh*, “mmm-hmmm, okay then”, *low whistle*, *stroking of beard*, “I don’t know about this…” and other things you never want to hear in such a situation.

Eventually, he turned to me with a face that was way more serious than the occasion called for.

“Son, I gotta tell you, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a situation quite like yours. This tree is just massive, has significant structural damage–and I mean significant–and worst of all, is virtually inaccessible. I mean, your house backs up to 180 feet of woods before hitting Highway 64, and nothing is getting in between the houses…”

“Can you at least give me a ballpark figure?” I asked, bracing for the initial sticker shock of such a project.

“Um, I don’t think you understand…I don’t think it’s even possible for me and my crew to do.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure we don’t have any means to actually get that tree down. I don’t even know if there is a crane that is small enough to fit on your street but big enough to get back here…”

Now what are you trying to say?!?” I said, getting even more confused, and clearly not appreciating the emotional roller coaster I found myself on.

“…however…there might be one option…” he said, clearly digging deep to give me some sort of real information.

“Yes…?” I said with bated breath.

“What I’ve seen done in extreme situations like this is…well, you’re not going to like it…”

“Out with it already–one way or another this tree has got to come down before it kills somebody!”

“…I said, ‘Good luck finding someone out there who will do that for you’. Again, I apologize for not being able to help you out.”

He was mid-sentence when I came-to moments late, after having–according to him–blacked out in shock upon hearing what appeared to be the only option for keeping my family and neighbors safe.

Cheeses ducking heist. I don’t think I heard you right. Just for the record, could repeat again what you said?”

“Well, there’s no other way to put it: son, it looks like you’re going to need to rent a helicopter…”


Content created on: 13 September 2024 (Friday)

Hey You! One Last Time: Keep Your Eyes On The Bottom Line

6 Min Read

You know “three strikes and you’re out!”, the classic baseball analogy?

Yeah, I bet you never expected to hear THAT down at your local DMV…


“Uhhh…Q…E…B–no, no, I mean D…and, um…7?”

I wiped the sweat from my brow and looked nervously at the kind old lady running the show at the Morton County DMV. Sure, it was the middle of the summer, but it wasn’t heat-sweat that was drenching me–this was stress-sweat.

“Oh, Sweetie, that was so close, but still not quite right,” she said as gently as possible.

No matter how nicely she broke the news to me, though, the cold hard truth of the matter was that I was on the precipice of losing my legal privilege to operate a motor vehicle.

“Ummm,” I hemmed for a moment, trying to buy myself some time for some subsequent hawing. “Say, since I’m just renewing my license, are you absolutely sure I can’t use my glasses for this eye test?”

“Are you going to be driving with those glasses on?” she asked, inspecting the frames of the pair I had brought with me just in case my contact lenses became too unbearable to wear. “I’m pretty sure those weren’t in style since 1994.”

For the first time in an interaction otherwise full of the loving kindness you would expect from a rural Kansas granny archetype, I must say: I felt targeted.

“And…?” I said, somewhat defensively.

“It’s 2001. And from the looks of you, I’d say you haven’t worn them since you were in what? Eighth grade?”

What can I say? The old lady had me pegged almost to a tee. But I wasn’t going to let her win that easily.

“Ma’am, I’ll have you know that I wore those right up until I got contacts halfway through my Sophomore year,” I replied, trying to feign indignity.

“Nevertheless, young man, I need you to answer the question: are you going to go out cruising to pick up young lassies wearing your eighth grade glasses? Because if you use them for this test, then you will be legally obligated to wear them then as well–and you could get arrested if you get caught driving bare-faced.”

She gave me a stern look, like she was trying to scare me straight.

“Arrested? Really? That doesn’t sound quite right…” I said with a hint of skepticism.

“Okay, so maybe not arrested, but you could get a ticket.”

“Oh. Okay then,” I said quietly. “How about I try putting my contact lenses back in?”

“You can do whatever you want, but you only get two more attempts before I will be legally required to fail you.”

I sighed heavily. Fml, I thought.

“Okay, give me a moment…”

However, after fumbling with my right contact for nearly 5 minutes before getting it to stay in, I had to immediately pop it back out.

“Ow, ow, ow! I can’t. I just can’t.”

“What’s wrong with your contacts anyways?” she asked with genuine concern.

I gave her a sheepish look.

“I may have gone a few extra months before swapping out my last pair of ’30-day lenses’…so, yeah, they’re kinda starting to bother me,” I related to her.

“Oh, in my line of work, I see that all the time, but usually it’s not a problem. Exactly how many months has it been?” she inquired.

I paused to count backwards to when I had last gone to the eye doctor, and then counted forward 6 months to when I should have renewed my supply, but didn’t because…y’know…who had the time or money for that when you’re a poor college freshman?

“Oh,” was all I could say as I realized I had really lost track of time and that it had been much longer I had thought it had been. “Uh, I plead the fifth!”

“Okie dokie, suit yourself. I guess that’s not really my problem anyways. How about you give the bottom row another whirl without the glasses or contacts. You’ve stalled long enough, wouldn’t you say?”

“Ok…here goes: Q (or maybe O), E…let’s say ‘S’ this time…and I think that last one is a trick question, isn’t it? It’s a question mark, not a 7, amiright?”

“Oooh, so sorry, but not even close. And I can’t accept a ‘this or maybe that’ response. You have to pick a lane, if you will. Now…one last time. Take all the time you need, alright?”

At least she was rooting for me, even if she ultimately had to flunk me.

Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention, this was happening halfway through the summer that I had planned on spending working with my dad, but after 6 weeks of co-farming, our relationship had been strained to the point of breaking. So in a day or two I would be heading back to Manhattan (KS) where I was going to college. I had to renew my license while was back home or else I would be at the mercy of my friends for transportation until Christmas.1Note: in retrospect, I’m not sure it is true that I could only renew my license in my hometown/home county. I’m pretty sure I could renew it any Kansas DMV, but I guess I was too young and stupid at 20 years old to know it was much less complicated than I was making it.

I dropped an f-bomb under my breath. The pressure was almost too much.

“Q. I’m definitely going to go with Q for the first one.”

“Good, good” she said.

“And if I squint a little bit–“

“No squinting!” she said sternly.

“Oh, right…right,” I said, but it was already too late. I couldn’t unsee what I was pretty sure I had seen. “I think that second letter is actually B.”

I paused for affirmation, but she remained silent. Uh-oh.

“And…D…?” I half-asked, thinking that maybe I had had it right the first time.

“Take your time…”

I took that comment to mean that maybe I should try that one again.

“No, on second thought maybe that’s another B,” I wagered.

“Okay, well that doesn’t make any sense. Why would we repeat the same letter back-to-back on one of these tests? That would just be cruel and unusual,” she said, obviously hinting once again that maybe I wasn’t quite nailing it.

Whew. I sat back for a second and took a deep breath, before leaning forward and sneaking in a quick squint.

“Oh…I see now. It’s an O.”

I paused again, looking for some feedback, but she was completely expressionless.

“And that last letter?” she asked.

“Maybe that’s a 1?”

She hesitated for a moment before breaking the silence.

“You passed.”

I let out a huge sigh of relief. I couldn’t believe I had passed, because in all honesty, I wasn’t confident in any of my guesses. (Of course, there’s always the possibility that I had not got them all right, and she told a little white lie out of the kindness of her heart, but we best not bother our pretty little heads entertaining such notions.)

“Congratulations. Now, let’s get your picture and get you out of my hair–er, I mean out the door.”

Afterwards, when I was sitting in the privacy of my car, I put my eighth-grade glasses on and took a closer look at my picture on the newly renewed license.

“Wha-a-a?!?” I exclaimed upon discovering that my eyes were waaaay more irritated with my aborted attempts to wear my contacts than I could have imagined. I mean, I freakin’ looked like Nick Nolte’s mugshot (that technically wouldn’t be taken for another year in 2002):

“I really gotta do something about those old contact lenses…I look like I’m drunk–at best!Though it really looks like I’m all hopped up on crack-cocaine…”


The point of the story is that maybe, just maybe, it’s not the best idea to go 16+ months wearing the same pair of 30-day contact lenses. Even if you are a poor college student, for the love of all that is holy, please, take good care of yourself.

And spoiler alert: this story appears not have a happy ending. A month or so later I finally went to an eye doctor, who promptly informed that I had Stage 3 blepharitis–I swear I’m not making that condition up–and that I would never be able to wear anything but expensive-ass disposable 1-day contact lenses for the rest of my life…and that’s how I ended up switching back to being a glasses type of guy pretty much full-time. Yup, I was back to being 100% nerdling, all because I was too cheap and/or lazy and/or “that doesn’t look like anything to me” attitude-having to deal with the problem in a timely manner.

However, upon further refraction–er, I mean ‘reflection’–in my later years, I have come to the conclusion (with the help of my very astute and affirming Beautiful Bride), that I’m actually much more handsome and eye-catching to the ladies with glasses. Imagine that without them, my white af face combined with my near-translucent eyebrows and facial hair, my visage is vast, featureless desert, save for my beautiful blue eyes.

But with glasses, there is interesting contrast that catches one’s eyes and subconsciously causes their brain to say “hey, why don’t you let your gaze lingering just a bit longer on this charming fella.”

It’s like in the Big Lebowski, for me, glasses are The Dude’s rug that “really tied the room together…”

I know that we’ve strayed pretty far afield here, but why not we end this little chat with that very clip (note: contains adults words, Mother discretion is advised…)


Content created on: 29/31 August 2024 (Thurs/Sat)

Footnotes & References:[+]

Advice For That Inner Jackass Dropping Out Of The Class

7 Min Read

It’s such a liberating feeling when you realize you’re too cool for school.

Just don’t let it all go to your fat head, you tool…


“Boy, howdy! I’m not exactly looking forward to the end of this semester and having to go do fieldwork in a real classroom…” I mused to myself.

‘Twas the second day of another beautiful fall semester on the campus of Kansas State University, and I found myself heading into my fourth (but not final) year of higher education. Having finally settled on a career as a high school physics teacher after a bit of floundering, I was at long last moving past all the education theory classes, and was now starting to take classes that required me to apply that theory in the real world.

And so there I sat in Teaching In The Real World 501,1Not the real name of the class. I’ve long since blocked out that part of my memory. letting my mind float adrift my stream of consciousness instead of listening to what our Education educator was saying.

“Ugh…I guess I’m not really looking forward student teaching after I come back from semester abroad in the spring either…”

Honestly, I wasn’t even really thinking about what I was thinking; I was just along for the ride. Had I been more thoughtful about my thoughts, though, then I probably would have seen where this was all inevitably headed, and shut the whole internal monologue down before I reached any crazy conclu–

“Oh, sh*t. I don’t want to teach ever.”

Dammit. It was too late. Crazy conclusion: reached. I sat there stunned about what had transpired in the matter of mere seconds in my head. My subconscious had taken the liberty of going and blowing up my carefully crafted plans, and now I was left to pick up the pieces.

“No, no, no, no! This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening,” I muttered as teetered on the edge of nervous breakdown.

You gotta understand that I am notoriously bad about figuring out what I want to do with my life (both then and now), and the idea of being an international physics teacher extraordinaire2I had hatched the scheme to teach at American schools abroad, with the goal of teaching on all seven continents. was something of a security blanket for me. I “knew” what ----- wanted me to do, and it was just a matter of following down that path. Easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy!

Well, at least that was the case up until a few moments prior to my little impromptu Let’s-Get-Real-With-Ourselves therapy session/career intervention. Now it felt like my whole world and the vision I had of my future self had all been blown to smithereens.

Basically about halfway through the class period I was curled up in the corner, hugging my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth just muttering to myself and gently sobbing.

But then, being the eternal optimist that I was, I caught a brief glimpse a silver lining: if I wasn’t going to be a physics teacher, then I didn’t have to take no more stinkin’ high-level physics classes. In fact, just the day before I had attended my session of Advanced Physics Lab, and I was already dreading spending an entire semester trudging through many of the classic physics discoveries and then re-inventing the wheel in the from of lab reports.

Oh-ho! But not any more, mother fuckers! I had just given myself a Get Out Of Jail Free card, and I just couldn’t wait until the next day when I could drop out of that nonsense in person…


“What’s up, suckers?!?” I waltzed into Advanced Physics Lab with a smug sh*t-eating grin on my face.

I knew something that my soon-to-be-erstwhile classmates didn’t: they were going to be stuck wiling their lives away for 6 hours a week for the next 18 weeks in this G0d-forsaken wasteland, while I would be cruising through Meteorology 101, well on my way to a totally 100% real–and totally 100% useless–Bachelor’s degree in Physical Science. For all y’all non-mathematicians out there, that’s a sum total of 4 1/2 days of their lives they were never gonna get back.

“Yeah, I just stopped by to let you fools hear it firsthand from me that I’m dropping this stupid ----- class, and am oh-so-sad that you will have to suffer through it alone without me by your side,” I super-casually and very cockily commented to two of my physics pals that I had previously bonded with through many a late night homework session.

Despite basically having gone through ‘Nam together, I wasn’t losing any sleep over jumping ship and abandoning them in their time of academic need.

In fact, that scene just happened to be caught on camera. Check it out for yourself:

“Wait just a moment, youngster, you might want to reconsider your hasty decision.”

I turned around to see our professor, one Dr. Cocke (his real name), looking at me slightly disappointed.

“So if you’re not going to do physics education, what are you going to do?” he asked, despite me obviously positioning my body halfway out the door.

I sighed heavily. This was really none of his bees-wax.

“Well, if you must know, I have almost all the courses done for a Physical Science degree. Just need a couple of Intro to Meteorology classes, and should have no problem breezing right through those,” I quipped, very obviously proud of the dumb pun I had just made.

“Physical Science?!?” he visibly scoffed. “I think you might be the first student dumb enough to actually get that degree. Do you know what kind of job you can get with that useless diploma? Bagging groceries, maybe some sort of customer service job, that’s about it. Don’t believe what they say on the website. No one is parlaying that degree to a career in Mineralogy.3https://www.k-state.edu/academics/majors-programs/physical-science-degree/

“Well, good news then, cuz I don’t care to really do anything with that degree anyways. Screw science!” As it turned out, I could be a bit of a Cocke myself.

He just shook his head.

“Look, you do what you want with your life. I just highly encourage you to think about switching your major to Physics. You already have almost all of the classes you’d need, and even if you decide not to use it, you’ll always have that accomplishment to be proud of. It would be a shame to waste all the effort you’ve put in to get this far.”

“Bah! It’s already too late! I’ve made up my mind, and I’m going to take the easy path from here until graduation. No need to contribute an more needless suffering to this cosmic experience.”

“Okay, well do what you will,” he said, clearly having stated his piece and feeling no need to argue with the jackass in front of him.

“Thanks, I will! And what I’m gonna do right now is head out that door and never look back…”


“You might as well just take the semester off and use that time to figure your shit out.”

Well, this was not the advice I was seeking. Yet this what my dear friend and usually reliable source of wisdom, Beecher, had decided was what I needed to hear in my time of crisis. Some friend he was.

“What? No, never!” I shuddered at the mere thought of it.

“Well, you’re otherwise just wasting everyone’s time. And you’d be wasting good scholarship money that was meant to be an investment in you and society at large. Maybe it’s best that that money be spent on a more deserving student.”

Damn, he was just gonna drag my ass all afternoon, wasn’t he?

“C’mon, man, you don’t have to be so harsh. Not being a student is entirely out of the question.”

“Why’s that?” Beecher looked at me like he had some nugget of wisdom up his sleeve.

“Um…er…yeah…well, you see…aww, fudge, I don’t know, you big jerk!”

“Perhaps it’s because you’re too tied up in your identity as a student, as a scholar, and as an intellectual? Are you scared shitless at the thought of a life apart from that?”

Not wanting to face the deep dark abysses of myself, I started to open up to the alternative.

“Ok, so you’ve convinced me not just completely screw off the remainder of my college career. Do you have anything practical and helpful to stay instead of just tearing my psyche a new asshole?”

“Well, I think Dr. Cocke has a good perspective on things. You gotta take the longer view. Ya know, keep as many doors open as you can. I know you, and I know that you’re ability to grow as a person is beyond that of most people. No telling who you’ll be 5 years from now–but I can tell you that you won’t want to be cussing at your past self for getting…what was the degree again? ‘Physical Science’? C’mon man, I don’t think that’s even a real degree.”

I sighed a long and heavy sigh, as a little bit of my soul escaped with my breath.

“Dammit. I hate you. You’re right, but I don’t have to like it.”

“So…you’re going to switch your major to Physics? And of course drop your minor in Physics,4The whole while I was majoring in education, I had tacked on a minor in physics because I was taking all the required classes anyways. because I don’t think they’ll let you major and minor in the same thing. That’s just not how that works.”

“Yeah, I suppose so. Now, let’s see what classes I’ll need to take this semester.”

*checks notes*

“Oh, fudge me in the ashes.”

“What’s wrong?” Beecher asked.

“It looks like I’ll be back in Advanced Physics Lab come next Monday. I can’t show my face in there again!”

“Why not?”

“Because…you know…on account of me telling them all to go ----- themselves before walking out for what I had presumed to be forever…”


The point of the story should be a real classic this time around: don’t be a jackass and burn bridges. Sure it may feel good–hell, it can feel real good–in the moment, but I highly recommend that instead you hedge your bets. You know, keep your options open. You never know what might come your way down the road, or how you’ll grow and change and reject the many, many errors of your youthful ways.

Yes, as you have probably already guessed, I had to walk back into that physics lab with my tail and proverbial egg on my face, and let me tell you it suuuuucked. Talk about having to eat a big ol’ slice of humble pie. Ugh. I just shutter thinking about it.

All that aside, maybe the real point of the story5The original alternate ending, before I added the second point of the story at the last second, was as follows:

But what can I say? Taking the harder path was totally worth it. I don’t want to #HumbleBrag or anything, but let’s just say that no one is out there getting a Ph.D. in ‘Physical Science’…
is that one should beware the dangers of letting their subconscious run free and in the wild. No! One should keep that beast reigned in and caged up tight! You give it one ounce of freedom and what happens? That little monster will blow your best laid plans right on up. In the name of ‘seeking true happiness’, that ass-hat might even do the unthinkable: rip your precious wittle security blanket to shweds.

*crowd audibly gasps*

Yeah. That’s right I said it. You’ve been warned.

Now go on now, Young Grasshopper, go forth and pursue your lofty goals for life built on a shaky understanding of yourself and your strengths and weaknesses. Nevermind that little voice in the back of your head. Pay it no attention at all…


Content created on: 14/16/17/18 August 2024 (Wed/Fri/Sat/Sun)

Footnotes & References:[+]

Son, Let Me Get This Straight: Sowing Your Seed Just Couldn’t Wait?

5 Min Read

Amidst our many arguments, one thing was never up for debate.

Dad and I both knew that I could never drive that ----- tractor straight…


“Son, I oughtta whoop your ass!”

The outburst of anger kinda caught me off guard. I turned to see that Dad was getting that look in his eyes–the look that I knew would soon be followed by him yapping at me so fervently that I could count on getting hit with at least 2 or 3 shots of stray spittle.

“Wha–? Huh? What are you talking about? I’ve been doing exactly what you asked of me for the last seven hours!” I shot back as I hopped off the tractor, rather confident that no ass-whooping was in order.

“Turn around and take a look at your handiwork, boy,” Dad seethed through his teeth, as–bless his heart–he was trying not to get too pissed off too quickly.

I turned around and surveyed the fruits of my day’s labor: one full quarter of Kansan farmland, barren at the dawn of that very same day, was now beautifully criss-crossed with row after row of expertly sown corn seed.

“Well, shoot, that looks like I just finished planting 160 acres of our highest-grossing crop–and an hour ahead of schedule even!” I said, unable to see why he wasn’t as proud of me as I was of myself.

“Were you drunk the whole time? And are you high right now? Boy, you just shat out some of the crookedest rows I’ve ever seen in my 50-plus years of farming!”

I took a second look at the earthen work of art before me. Maybe–just maybe–it wasn’t the masterclass in geometric perfection that I had fancied it to be.

“Ah, there may have been just a little swerve thrown in there here and there,” I ceded. “But hey–I got the job done, and if I remember correctly, you haven’t paid me one red cent for my hard labor.”

Apparently, this wasn’t the response Dad was looking for, as for no sooner than those words had wafted of my lips could I see his fists go into ‘Ima bout to strangle yo’ ass’ mode.

“Why the ----- can you not drive the tractor in a straight line for half a mile?!? How ----- hard is it?” he spouted at me.

Personally, if you ask me, this one was kinda on him.

“This isn’t my first rodeo, and you dang well know it, Dad! You know that I can’t drive a tractor straight to save my life–this is like the 20th curve-carved field in my plowing portfolio. And you’ve yelled at me after every single one–but this is the first time that you’ve been absolutely pissed at me about it!”

Every word I said was true: try as I might, no matter how much focus I tried to muster, I would indubitably fail to consistently produce straight lines across any given field I was unleashed upon, whether with plow or with planter.

“Oh, I’ll tell you why I’m so ----- pissed: just take a look to the north and what do you see?” he steamed, gesturing to the vast expanse of open farmland that stretched on for miles at end to the north (and in all directions, for that matter).

“Um…well besides all the other fields? Maybe that’s a cow way off in the distance? Or it might just be a cluster of tumbleweeds. Can’t really be sure this far away…”

“THE HIGHWAY! The ----- ----- highway is right there!” he frothed.

“That’s true, this quarter does border the high–” I was cut short by a man who had lost all patience for my ongoing nonsense.

“All your ----- curvy rows are going to sprout up and it’s going to be obvious to everyone driving by–you’re going to make me look like a ----- moron who can’t drive straight!”

Apparently, my old man cared quite a bit about what others thought of his farming skills. Well, at least cared about that more about that than his own son.

“Well, what’s done is–” my nonsense was cut off yet again.

“They’re going to think that I get all liquored up before handling heavy machinery–what a ----- embarrassment!” he bemoaned.

“Nah, I’m sure they won’t think that. Everyone in Morton County knows you’re not a lush,” I tried to reassure him in an attempt to save my own hide.

He wasn’t buying it, though.

“I highly doubt that. What other good reason would a man have for ----- up his field so badly?”

“Well, for one, it could be because you’re such a hard-workin’ sumabitch that you’re on the job even well into the nighttime hours,” I proffered.

He looked at me, seemingly slightly calmer, like what I was saying was actually making sense to him.

“After all, you do look like a man who likes to plow in the dark…”1In high school, I had come up with this phrase and loved it so much that I took a label maker and proudly plastered it on the side of one of my guitar pedals. I hate to have to break down why it’s so humorous/witty, but I just can’t risk someone not fully appreciating it. First, it’s a riff on ‘Glow in the dark’–I just substituted the G with a P, and BAM! Instant wit! Now let’s analyze this new phrase. In the more literal sense, it’s pretty funny considering my agricultural roots, and I can imagine any farmer would snicker at the thought of being so behind on farming that they have to resort to nocturnally tilling their fields. Figuratively speaking…well, this is just awash with sexual undertones. One might use the term ‘plow’ to mean ‘vigorously copulating, perhaps even involving some sodomy’. For everyone’s sake, I shall abstain from using it in a sentence. Anyways, sexual encounters often occur after sundown, many a times with the lights out completely (though I never understood what the fun in that was); ergo ‘plow in the dark’. This masterpiece of wordplay belongs on a ----- T-shirt. Or at least on a coffee mug…


The point of the story is that often one doesn’t see mental issues lurking beneath the surface only until reflecting on events years or decades later.

Only recently have I been exploring the very real possibility of having ADHD. And I gotta say, so many things fit that theorem. As I was writing this cheeky story in which I admit my inability to drive straight at low speeds, and how pissed/embarrassed Dad was over the whole ordeal, I realized…”holy sh*t, this inability probably stems from a lack of appropriate regulation of my focus.” Not that having an ADHD diagnosis back when I was in my late teens would have made a difference to Dad, but at least it would have helped me feel like less of a complete failure and familial disappointment.

Oh, and yeah, about Dad…years later, after I was out of college, he was officially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I only learned recently that he had been trying to self-manage it for decades on end before finally getting professional help towards the last few years of his life.

When I first learned about his diagnosis, it was like, “holy sh*t, all his mood swings and many of our unnecessary arguments make so much more sense now!” In other words, it helped me look back at my time with him with much more compassion, understanding and grace. I’m not sure how things would have been different had us kids had the luxury of growing up knowing his diagnosis (and had he been seeking therapy and medication during that time as well). Regardless, there is immense comfort in being able to reflect on my father’s life and realize that he was a much better man than I ever gave him credit for in the moment.

Sentimentality aside, it is also very useful from a practical point of view. Now both My Beautiful Bride and I know to be on the lookout for any signs of bi-polar disorder developing in me, seeing as how there is a very real chance he could have passed that down to me. After all, it wouldn’t be the only thing I inherited from him.

Like father, like son, guess who also turned out to be a man who likes to ‘plow in the dark’? Though for one of us it’s more literal, and the one more “figurative.”2Did you not read the earlier footnote?

I’ll leave it up to you, Dear Reader, to figure out which one is which…


Content created on: 30 July 2024 (Tuesday)

Footnotes & References:[+]

Having Such An Awesome Ninja Skill Ain’t Illegal, For Real?

7 Min Read

Maybe, just maybe, you and your buddy have watched a little too much TMNT.

And you know play time is definitely over when up rolls the MP…


“MUAH-HA-HA-HAH! Screw you fence!” I over-enthusiastically taunted the inanimate object in front of me, as my expertly-thrown knife hit its target it once again.

“You’re getting pretty good at this, amigo,” my junior-high bestie, Nick, said.

“And I, too, would like to affirm your bad-ass knife-throwing skills, my ninja!” I reciprocated. “Why don’t you take a turn or two?” I said as I gave the knife a good tug to dislodge it.

“It would be my pleasure,” Nick said, deftly taking the knife from my hand and gracefully flinging it toward the fence in one fell swoop.

*spliiiinter*

That particular flick of his wrist must have had some extra sauce on it, because the knife dang near went all the way through the fence.

“Sweet shot, bro-ski!” I said.

Nick just stood there with his arms folded in triumph, as he knew he done did get a good shot in.

We paused for a moment to bask in our own glory. For a couple of youngsters like us–me ringing in at 14 years and Nick at 13–mastering such a cool skill as knife-throwing was a real thrill. Like, if we had to, we could fling a knife into the torso of a bad guy or the plank of a neutral-looking-but-secretly-threatening fence. It could potentially save our lives and/or the lives of those we love.

But had we not trained on the little fence surrounding the power transformer between my sister’s house and her neighbor’s? That knife would probably have just hit its target while oriented parallel to it, doing no damage before pathetically thunking to the ground. We would have looked like complete assholes in that scenario.

Our moment of ninja-like glory was short-lived though.

“Hey did you just see a pair of beady eyes peeping over that-there fence?” Nick asked, gesturing towards the neighbor’s backyard.

“Ah, don’t mind her. She’s just probably being a Nosy Nancy,” I demurred.

“You sure it’s cool?” Nick asked, for the first time considering that what we were doing might be considered mildly delinquent.

“It’ll be fine, man. She’s probably just jealous of our sweet, sweet, knife moves…”


“Young man, can we have a word with you?”

Those are words a young man never wants to hear. Especially when they’re coming out of the mouth of the MP–that’s Military Police, for you civilians out there–officer at your front door.

“Uh…yeah, I guess so,” I stammered. Normally, my nose was as clean as a whistle, and it would be my brother, 1SkinnyJay, who would have to worry about what the po-po might want with him. Incidentally, it was 1SJ that introduced me to the joys of knife-throwing…though surely that was irrelevant to this pleasant officer’s visit.

“Your neighbor here said she saw someone flinging sharp objects just outside her backyard, and that she fears for the safety of her children” the officer said.

I rolled my eyes at the thought of how little danger her kids might have ever been in.

“Nosy Nancy, you ----- ----- snitch,” I muttered under my breath.

“So, are you the one that’s been throwing knives at the fence around the corner?” he asked menacingly, gesturing in the general direction of our make-shift target.

“No, no, you’re mistaken…” I started.

“Oh, really?” the MP asked suspiciously.

“…there wasn’t just one of us throwing knives.”

Remember the incident Nick and I had with the rare candy? I sucked ass when it came to lying, but I was a ----- ace when it came to telling the truth. And I could tell this wasn’t going to end well for my accomplices.

“Do tell…” I definitely had the MP’s interest now.

“Yeah, of course I was one of the ones getting really, really ----- good at throwing knives. But you’ll also want to talk to my good friend Nick B. He’s almost better than I am. I can take you to his house, even, if you like,” I said, realizing that I was oversharing and not even making him work for the intel.

“Oh, that would be just lovely. So, you say it was you two fellas doing all that damage to the fence? Which, I might add, is federal property, seeing as how it is part of this fine Naval Base we like to call Point Mugu,” this officer said, clearly with the intent of intimidating me.

I think I peed myself just a little in that moment.

“Pfft! Do you think we would just come up with the idea by ourselves? Who do you think gave us the big idea to desecrate that fence in the first place?” I said flippantly.

“Heck, man, I don’t know. But twenty bucks says you’re going to tell me without me even having to ask,” the officer said, starting to get the hang of my game.

“It was my brother, Jason,” I stated matter-of-factly.

“…and there it is. You owe me twenty bucks?” the officer said.

“How about double or nothing?” I said, not really paying attention to what he was saying.

“Okay, so let me see if I got this straight?” he said, looking down at his note pad. “We got three minors that need to be held accountable for destruction of federal property? Is that right?”

“No! You forget about Josephina!” I blurted out, desperate to make sure that there was an accurate and factual accounting of events.

“Who, now?” he asked.

“My brother-in-law, who we’re living with here. Who do you think showed Jason how to throw knives. Jeez, get with it, yo!” I said condescendingly for some reason.

“It looks like we better round up the four of you degenerates and take you down to the station…”


“Mom, are we going to be homeless?” I asked without a hint of sarcasm or irony.

“I don’t really know, Honey,” she said, clearly wishing she could reassure me. “I told you that you needed to keep a low profile, seeing as how we’re living illegally here on Base with your sister.”

“Oh, yeah. Right.” I said quietly, deeply concerned that my loose wrist and even looser lips had ruined our housing situation (and maybe even have put Joe’s status in the military in limbo, to boot).

Long story short, during the preceding summer while I was staying with my dad, my now-presumably-ex-stepfather had moved my mom and brother from our home of 5 years in Springfield, MO, to Odessa, TX for some unknown reason. Then the dickhead just took the only vehicle they had and jetted out of there back to his mommy in Houston.

Well, this nut-sack had put my fam in quite the pickle, now hadn’t he? And, not realizing that the lease on her apartment back in Springfield wouldn’t technically run out for another week, my mom turned to my sister in California in her time of need.

“Sure, you can come live with us on this here fine Naval Base we call Point Mugu!” Sis had told her. “But, uh, technically, parents and siblings don’t qualify as dependents, so you’ll just have to be our ‘long term guests’, per se.”

And thus, my entire eighth grade year I lived as an illegal alien, never freely able to come and go off the base as I pleased. I either had to be in a vehicle with my sis or Joe driving–or on occasion, with Nick and his parents. But never could Mom just roll out with us to live normal lives in the surrounding cities.

Oh, I almost forgot that I was also able to smuggle myself on and off base on the the school bus–which, if you ask me, is actually kinda of a weak point in their security. Anyways, I digress…

“I really shouldn’t have drawn attention to us, should have I?” I said meekly.

“No you shouldn’t have,” Joe glared at me from across the table down at the MP headquarters. “Just let me do the talking, okay? We don’t need you unnecessarily volunteering any more facts…”


“You ----- ----- snitch” Jason muttered under his breath, as he ripped the board–the one we had thoroughly destroyed–off the fence.

“You little snitch,” Nick muttered under his breath as he hoisted the new replacement board into place.

“You little ----- , just had to go and snitch,” Joe muttered under his breath, as he handed me the screws and the drill.

“Fellas, fellas, no need to point fingers and say who-did-what and what-not,” I deflected, as I secured the new board in place.

I stepped back to admire our work.

But instead of looking at the newly-refinished fence, my three comrades were glaring at me.

“No, there is need to point fingers,” Jason seethed.

“Yeah, you were the one to get busted. Why did you have to drag us into your mess? My step-dad whooped my ass the second the MP left our house,” Nick said through gritted teeth.

“You couldn’t have fallen on a grenade for your brothers in arms, could have you?” Joe was clearly peeved.

“Fellas, fellas, come now,” I implored them. “Don’t be making the moral of this story ‘maybe it’s worth learning to lie every now and then for the sake of your brethren, you little snitch.’ Nay, the point of the story here is supposed to be: don’t judge an illegal alien until you’ve walked a kilometer in their shoes (on account of anyone coming into the U.S. from anywhere else in the world will indubitably be more accustomed to metric units rather than imperial units). Also keep in mind that on average they’re less criminally mind, lest their deviant behavior draws the attention of the authorities and gets them deported. So show them a little love, yeah?”

“Really? That’s what you’re going with here?” Jay said.

“I like the ‘don’t be a little snitch’ line better,” Nick chimed in.

“Me too,” said Joe. “Anyways, how do you explain to your imaginary audience you not getting kicked off base, when a true illegal alien would have got their ass deported for pulling the same stunt you did?”

“Yeah, man, we got off waaay easy just having to pay for the supplies and put in the time to repair this fence,” Jay noted.

“Fellas, fellas,” Nick said, half-mocking me. “Isn’t it patently obvious?” he said as he presented me as if I was a prize on the Price is Right and he were one of their models.

I sighed, reluctant to acknowledge my inherent privilege.

“It’s because I’m as Caucasian as a White Russian, my ninjas.”

Nick pensively stroked the peach fuzz on his chin for a moment.

“Somehow,” he finally said, “I think you’ve managed to culturally appropriate two different cultures here, all in one fell swoop…”


Content created on: 20/21 July 2024 (Sat/Sun)

Boy Ain’t Gonna Lie: He Chasing That Rare Sugar High

6 Min Read

Long story short, when Mom asked I said “screw it” and told her the truth.

“I fully intend to spend the evening abusing my sweet tooth…”


“Where you boys off to?” Mom asked us with a hint of suspicion–and to be fair, we probably did look like a pair of junior high boys with questionable evening plans.

“Uh, you cool if I spend the night over at Nick’s?” I asked her.

It was a Friday night, and Nick just lived down the street from us on Point Mugu Naval Base–a secure facility that we were somehow managing to live on illegally–so I didn’t think that it was too big of an ask. Even for Mom, who landed hard on the side of parenting that is the complete opposite of permissive.

“That depends,” Mom said slightly raising an eyebrow. “What do you plan on doing?”

Truth be told, we had just recently stumbled upon Nick’s step-dad’s secret candy stash, and we had been biding our time for a night when his parents and siblings would be gone most of the evening so we could dip our indulgent, grubby little paws into it. Included in that stash of high-end sweets were vintage Miami Spice Drops from 1986 (one of only two years they were ever made). Now, we had really never heard of such delicacies, but we could tell from the packaging that they weren’t your average gummy bears, so we were particularly excited to see what the presumed hub-bub was all about.

Just one problem though: all while I was growing up, Mom attempted to enforce a pretty hard no-sweets policy, and there was know way in hell that she would let me spend one more minute with Nick if she had even the slightest inkling what kind of sugary crack-cocaine was poorly hidden in his parents’ bedroom closet.

Oh, and just a second problem, too: my entire life I have been cursed with the utter and complete inability to tell a lie, especially when it come to my beloved mother. This curse bore down particularly hard on me during my 8th grade year–the year in which find ourselves now.

Nick glanced over at me kinda nervously in anticipation of our best laid plans blowing up spectacularly in our faces, on account of my stupid curse.

Thinking quick on my feet, I decided to lean hard into what I do best.

“We’re going to sit around and a sh*t-load of candy,” I said without a hint of sarcasm.

“Hah. Yeah right!” Mom replied with a half-snort. “You boys go enjoy your evening, and I’ll see you around lunchtime tomorrow, oh humorous son of mine.”

I just about had to drag Nick out the door by his ear, as he seemed to be paralyzed in disbelief that my little stunt of telling the whole, dirty truth had actually worked.

“C’mon, dude, let’s jet over to your place and get to snackin’ before you parents get home,” I said, reinvigorated by the success of my unconventional strategy.

“Bro,” Nick muttered on his way out the door, “I seriously gotta try telling the truth more often…”


“Hmmm…” Nick chewed thoughtfully on his Miami Spice Drop, investigating all the flavors and textures with his tongue and palate. “Very interesting…not what I was expecting.”

“Yeah, I agree,” I said, furrowing my brow and putting way too much thought into analyzing the flavor profile.

“First thing I really noticed was that they were unexpectedly fuzzy,” Nick said observantly.

“That’s true,” I said, holding one up to the kitchen light and inspecting it like a jeweler would inspect a diamond. “I would even dare say they look little bushes.”

“Yeah, this candy is very ‘bushy’–an interesting experience for the tongue, indeed…” Nick opined.

“Well, I guess that must of been a whole thing with fancy candies back in the 80’s?” I hypothesized.

“I suppose,” Nick said. “The 80’s in general seemed pretty obsessed with all things hair.”

“Hmmph,” I grunted, putting a period on that part of our conversation. “But how about the spectrum of flavors, eh?”

“Yeah, that was definitely way more nuanced than I was expecting,” Nick noted.

“Mmm-hmm. With most candies, it’s a single blast of sugar and a handful of flavors,” I commented. “But with these drops, I would dare say that the experience evolves in your mouth with time.”

“Oh, the unexpected depth and sophistication!” Nick raved. “That was definitely unanticipated, and was uniquely refreshing.”

“Not unlike getting squirted in the eye by one of those Old Faithful candies, I bet!” I quipped.

We both chuckled heartily at the memory of one of the other old exotic candies we had just sampled, a Gusher-like confection shaped much like a pearl featuring a juicy-filled center. The candy itself wasn’t particularly humorous; it was the bag that they came in, which featured a cartoon version of a man biting into one and accidentally squirting a nearby woman in the eye. Again, we just wrote it off as another weird-ass product of the 80’s.

“Oh, shenanigans!” he said as we went in for another round of belly-laughing at the thought of that utterly ridiculous packaging.

Right about that moment, though, we heard the garage door opening.

“Oh, shenanigans is right!” I said, perhaps dropping an expletive or two in there.

“Quick, you start making us some PB&J’s in the kitchen–we can eat them to cover the evidence on our breath, and it will also give you the chance to distract them while I run upstairs and put the goods back where I found them!” Nick ordered.

“That’s a Texas-sized 10-4, good buddy!” I said scurrying into the kitchen.

I could hear Nick’s footsteps on the upstairs landing just as the door leading from the garage to the kitchen opened and Nick’s family tromped in.

“Oh, hey B.J., I didn’t realize you were spending the night. What have you been boys up to?” Nick’s mom asked congenially.

“Oh, hi there, Nick’s Mom!” I said as casually as I could muster. “We’ve just been playing some computer games and I thought I would take a break to come down and make us a midnight snack.”

“Cool, cool” she said. “Well, you know that our pantries are always open to you.”

“I sure do, and I appreciate that so much, Mrs. Nick’s Mom. Anyways, I better get these PB&J’s up to Nick.”

I was having to spout falsehoods through my teeth, and I could tell that I was on the verge of having the wheels fall of this wagon of lies.

“But…are those just naked slices of bread?” Nick’s mom looked at my plate slightly confused.

Panic was setting in quickly, so I had to extricate myself from the situation, no matter the cost.

“Welp, gotta run! Nothing to see here! Or smell…”


“Any chance we could confer privately? ” Nick asked his step-dad.

Clearly exhausted with his fruitless interrogation of us, he acquiesced.

“Sure. You boys need to discuss whatever you need to. I’ll be waiting in here whenever you figure your shit out,” he said, though not in an angry way.

Turns out, Nick hadn’t stacked the candy back in their original location quite exactly as he had found them, and his mom had noticed this tiniest of discrepancies. It was upon further inspection that she had discovered several pieces conspicuously missing from some of the bags.

Now, I’ll never figure out why she cared so much about any of the candy being missing–I guess because it was vintage stuff they didn’t make any more, perhaps–but apparently she was accusing her husband of going and eating the candy behind her back. I didn’t get that either: it was his stash–or at least we assumed it was his–so why did she have panties all up in a wad over it.

Any how, he had quickly figured out that since he hadn’t been the guilty party, something else must be afoot under his roof.

“Okay, Nick, he’s offering to let us off the hook completely–we just have to come clean, alright?” I recapped the plea deal that was on the table.

Nick sighed deeply.

“Poor guy’s taking the fall for us, so I guess that’s the least we could do for him out of respect,” Nick conceded.

“Yeah, and seriously, my head is about to explode after denying our guilt for almost an hour straight,” I said rubbing my eyes with the palm of my hands. “I just wasn’t built to tell lies, yo.”

“Gotta, say, though,” he said, putting an affirming hand on my shoulder, “I’m proud of you for holding out as long as you did. You’re a good friend.”

“Thanks man. But maybe next time we just own up to our shit in the first place and face the music?”

I swore that living with a lie was worse punishment than anything Nick’s mom could have possibly dealt out, so it was a relief when we went back into the kitchen.

“Yeah, it was us,” Nick said with a sheepish look on his round face.

“Thanks, Mr. Nick’s Mom, for taking the blame for us,” I said gratefully, knowing that word of our little fiasco wouldn’t make it back to my own mother.

“Boys, I appreciate your honesty. Now, as you were soldiers, as you were…” he said, dismissing us, clearly glad that our hours-long standoff was finally over.

We turned to head back upstairs to where our computer game awaited us.

But right before we made it out of the kitchen, I turned with one last question for Nick’s step-dad.

“I just gotta ask, though…what was the deal with all that old candy anyways?” I inquired.

“Oh, I’m surprised it wasn’t right up your alley, boys,” he said with a wry grin on his face. “After all, don’t forget that you two little squirts are weird-ass products of the 80’s as well…”


Content created on: 6/7 July 2024 (Sat/Sun)

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