“So…what will you tell your kids when they asked what happened?”
Once upon a time, a close friend of mine had come to me in search of a listening ear.
His marriage seemed to be at an inflection point, and his next moves would be of grave consequence. Almost certainly they would determine whether it all fell apart, or if his Holy Union would come out the other side even stronger and better than before.
I was relieved to hear that both he and his wife were showing some willingness to put in the effort to stick together. Not only that, they both agreed that they wanted to raise their three kids in a safe and loving home environment, one where “they would have the stability and emotional nourishment to flourish as youngsters, then teens, and then eventually young citizens that brought more love into the world than they took.”
Critically, he identified his relationship with his wife as what would ultimately determine whether or not they would be able to give that irreplaceable gift to their children.
With much reluctance, he confided to me that he feared merely staying together wouldn’t be enough, though. If they didn’t make some difficult changes, then most likely they would just continue down their current path which was headed toward some seriously toxic quagmire–and that might be even worse for the kids than splitting up.
But what was really at the heart of our conversation came down to a singular decision: should they seek professional help?
Actually, that wasn’t even really up for debate: they both had acknowledged that they probably wouldn’t be able to sort things out on their own, and that they would most likely need the assistance of an unbiased third party, such as a marriage counselor.
The problem was that they lived in a small community, and had rather limited options. And in every scenario, the fact that they were seeing a shrink together would make its way through the gossip grapevine in no time at all.
His wife was not the overly-proud type, and while she disliked the idea of everyone being up in their business, she was of the opinion that there was no shame in seeking to be a better person.
He, on the other hand, did not exactly share those feelings, expressing concern that everyone was going to know that they had a ----- up marriage.
…which brings us to the point in the story where we had started:
“So…what will you tell your kids when they asked what happened?”
I was hoping to help him work through his thoughts by doing what I do best: extrapolating situations out as far as possible.
“What exactly do you mean?” He seemed sincere enough in his question.
“When your kids are grown up–or maybe even sooner–one of them is bound to ask you why you and their mom split up. What are you going to tell them?”
I didn’t let him answer. I thought about giving him the chance to respond, but I decided to cut to the chase.
“Because it sounds like the only real answer you will have is, ‘Sorry, kids, your future wasn’t worth nearly as much what people might have thought about me.’ You better get your shit straight, amigo.”
Perhaps now’s the time you should start thinking about what you will tell your kids grandkids when they asked what the hell happened.
Edited on 10 June 2020 to make clear that this is a Parable and not really about marriage at all.
Content created on: 4 June 2020 (Thursday)
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