When religious ministry and wordplay collide, ya better butter up, BuckleCup.
Slipe ‘n slide and glide, it’s gonna be one heaven of a ride…
“Uh…wow…that’s a lot of Crisco. You boys plan on frying up enough fried chicken to feed an army?”
The cashier at the local Manhattan1Manhattan, KS–“The Little Apple”, that is. Food 4 Less gave me and my buddy Chong a suspicious sideways glance.
“Our campus group–the Kansas State Navigators–is having a barn party to celebrate the end of the school year, and somehow we got put in charge,” I replied.
Diversion: a classic tactic when you’d rather not answer somebody’s question.
“The Navigators, eh? What is that? Like a sailing club or something?” the clerk asked curiously.
“No. We a Christian group,” Chong2Hailing from Vietnam, Chong’s assumed the name ‘Justin’ when he emigrated to the U.S. as a child. Upon arriving at college, our half-Korean friend, James, decided to call him Chong instead. Asian on Asian hate crime is real, my friend. replied curtly in his lightly broken English. “Would you like to hear about The Jesus?”
The threat of proselytization: another classic tactic to get people to mind their own ----- business.
“Uh, no need for that, my good man,” the clerk stammered. “Your total for the 6 tubs of Crisco is $23.34.”
“Here’s $25 in Holy Christ Cash. You can keep the change, you Pagan sinner,” I said with a generous, yet passive-aggressive, tone.
Hurling insults and throwing money at the problem: two more tried-and-true methods for making snoopy strangers forget about your suspicious behavior.
“Okay, see you!” Chong shouted over his shoulder as we high-tailed it out the Food4Less door.
“You think that chump ever figured out we didn’t have any chicken in our carts?” I pondered aloud in Chong’s general direction.
“Nah, we good…”
“Come one, come all! If you just walked in, then welcome to the Navs’ First Annual Hawaiian County Fair! The surprise activity is about to start in a few minutes, but in the meantime why not try the Bobbing For Pineapples booth?” the M.C. shouted at random students as they wandered into the barn we had rented.
They seriously shouldn’t have put a certain somebody anywhere near the planning committee for this shindig. I’m not going to name any names, but take one guess which clever mf came up with ‘Hawaiian County Fair’ for a theme in the first place? I mean, bobbing for pineapples?!? What was this dude/dudette even thinking, amiright?
No doubt similar thoughts were going through the minds of many of these hapless Jesus-seeking students–especially when they were directed to the field across the way for the ‘surprise activity’ that the M.C. had been relentlessly teasing.
“Ladies and Gentlemen–er, I mean just ‘Gentlemen’, for religious reasons that will soon become clear–the moment you’ve been waiting for! The highlight of your entire academic career, the apex of every memory your will ever have, the zenith of–“
“Enough with the hyperbole–just get to the point!” a heckler shouted from the crowd at the overly verbose M.C.
“Gentlemen–and Lady observers–no county fair would be complete without a little competitive chasing and capturing of a well-lubed animal–“
“We’re Christians–we can’t even say the word ‘lube’ outside of marriage or an auto shop, much less use it!” shouted out yet another heckler.
The M.C. was about to lose his sh*t with this crowd.
“Okay, Chad,3GlutenFreeDad, this joke is for you. You know who I’m talking about. how about ‘well-oiled’? Would Jesus approve of that?”
“Sure.”
“Alright, now that we have that cleared up, may I present to you–*ahem* drumroll please–“
Chong and I peeked out from behind the adjacent out-building.
“Alright, it go time!” Chong stated with utmost determination.4Spoiler alert: This is a 100% verified memory: We gave each a big ol’ nasty hug before heading out the field. It was supposed to get us amped up for what was to come. But with double the dosage (see below), it was pretty darn inducing of the ickies.
The M.C. paused for another beat to let the tension build.
…
…
…
…
“…the Greased-Surfer Chase!!!“
Right on cue, the two of us ran out wearing nothing but board shorts and approximately 18 lbs. of Crisco each.
“Aloha, Gentlemen, come and catch yourselves a slippery surf-dude–if you can!” I taunted.
What ensued, Dear Reader, I assure you was as delightfully disgusting and surprisingly difficult as you might imagine. I’m proud to say, though, that it took about 4-5 of ’em to take me down for good.
Of course, I ain’t got nothing on Chong: at barely 5′ 3″, it took a full 8 grown-ass men to pin him down for good…
The point of the story is: cleverness is empty without commitment.5Hey, you know what? That really does sound like some of the pithy, stupid things we would say in Navs, doesn’t it? *eye-roll* Sure you may have some witty idea, some fantastic play on words–but it means nothing if you’re not willing to sacrifice your body (and to a lesser degree, your dignity) to make sure it actually happens. After all, isn’t that What Jesus Would Do?
Hmmm, now that I think about it…almost naked…all-male…well-lubed…we were basically engaging in some good ol’ Greek wrestling. I guess that’s pretty appropriate–it’s June, after all. To all my old Navigator friends (and everybody else): Happy Pride Month!
Now, hopefully this particular month will go a little smoother than last year…
Content created on: 2/3 June 2023 (Fri/Sat)
Footnotes & References:
This was a really memorable moment of college. Though “Greased Chong” stole the spotlight, it would have never happened without your ideas. Also, I thought his name was really Chong for like 3 years, until Jeff called it racist and insisted on people calling him Justin. (Which is not his name either?) Yes I know the intensely religious “Chad” to which you refer.