Some stories, well, they’re straight-forward.
And then there are some stories you simply can’t tell with a straight face…
Editor’s note: you have found yourself in the thick of the epic, the one, the only, The Long Tale of COVID. If you need to catch up, you can find all the posts here. Enjoy!
“And then you know what did after all that? I went and ate me some Chick-Fil-A–and to make things even worse, I didn’t even enjoy it since I couldn’t taste a dang thing! I feel so ashamed!”
“…because you ate junk food when your body needed something much more nutritious to help it fight off the COVID? Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself.”
I had just been filling in My Beautiful Bride–aka The Boss Lady–on all the inglorious details of my recent trip to the Urgent Care, and her response was…”shame on you for your lifestyle choices”? Seriously?!?
I mean, c’mon! If you’ve been following along to the soap opera that was my COVID quarantine, then you already know that I had suffered enough already up to this point–and meat-shaming her (mostly) vegan husband was the last thing she should had have been doing!
“Huh? What? Ashamed for pampering my poor self by splurging on some greasy goodness? After all I’ve been through? No, that’s called ‘self care’, my dear.”
“Okay, then, why were you so ashamed you ate Chick-Fil-A, hmmm?”
“Oh, right…yes. Well, I guess there just might be one or two spectacular–nay, glorious–plot holes in the story I just told you…”
“Wait, wait, before you go any further, is this the real reason why you wanted me to stay at the hotel tonight instead of you?” the Boss Lady suspiciously inquired.
“Um…well, if I’m being completely honest, yeah, just a wee bit. I just have had enough stress these last few days, and I can’t handle the thought of dealing with any unexpected and unwelcome late-night visitors.”
“Oh, man, you really know how to make a woman feel loved, don’t you?”
I sheepishly cast my gaze downward.
“I know, I know…I can’t say I’m exactly, uh, proud of that…”
My beautiful bride didn’t seem to hear me, as she proceeded to imagine how her night just might go.
“I can see it now…Nurse Cami knocks at the door and I answer…
Nurse Cami: ‘Who are you?!?’
‘I’m the Wife, you hussy! And let me guess–you? You’re the Other Woman, hmmm?’
And then I would indignantly slap–“
I stopped her mid-sentence. I could not let this go any further.
“Wait, hold up: other woman? Who said anything about any ‘woman’?”
It was time for me to set the record straight.
“Uh…’Nurse Cami’, hello?!?”
*Heavy sigh*
“There is no ‘other woman’…never was, either.”
“What you talking?1This is not a typo or bad grammar on my part, it’s a quote from the hit Canadian show, Kim’s Convenience. Sadly, I was not fruitful in my effort to procure a YouTube clip for your viewing pleasure. Did you…make all that up?”
“Jeez, are you really going to make me, ermm, come out and say it?”
“Say what?”
“I may have withheld two tiny little, itty-bitty details.”
“Really? You’ve basically laid out how you could have had an affair, so, kudos for your honesty…but there’s actually more?”
“Uh…yeah. And those two details are…El-Oh.”
“The heck you talking about?”
“That Nurse Cami…well, to be truthful, is actually Nurse Cami…LO…”
“Nurse CamiLO?”
“Yup. Nurse Camilo.”
“Oh…*snort*…now the pieces of this puzzle are starting to come together…”
“I mean, I was just trying to be a nice guy and accept those who come into my orbit for who they are, you know, ‘be the kindness you want to see in this world’ and all that jazz…”
“Wait, wait, wait, just shut your pie-hole for one second–you mean to tell me you let yourself get picked up by your male nurse?!? And you actually gave this ‘Nurse Camilo‘ your phone number?”
“But he was so nice, and I didn’t want to be rude. Plus, I thought maybe he really did only want to be ‘solo amigos‘–you know I try to make the effort to assume the best in people…”
“Well, I’m surprised you let it get that far…I mean, even before I knew ‘Nurse Cami’ was a dude, I could tell they were out to get your digits from a mile away!”
“Look, I kinda had other things on my mind…you know, like, “DEAR GOD, I MIGHT BE GETTING EATEN TO DEATH BY THE WORMS UNDER MY SKIN!”
“Likely story…”
“I swear, I’m tellin’ ya the truth!”
“Oh, oh, oh! I can’t even! Bwah-hah-hah-ha!”
“It’s not that funny.”
“Wait…*gasp*…I…*gasp*…can’t…*gasp*…I can’t breath!”
“You can stop rolling on the floor in laughter now, dear.”
“I’m…*sob!*…I’m crying!”
“Hell-o?!? Can’t you see that the love of your life is emotionally shook to his core by all this???”
*brief pause*
“Who would have thunkit…*low whistle*…my very own husband just might be an honorary member of the local Gay Latino community now…wow. Just wow.”
“It may be honorary, but it is most definitely involuntary! Completely involuntary, I say! All I did was accidentally give him my number!”
“Man, you must have really made an impression on him with your, uh, ‘dried goods’ on full display. He took look one look at that, and said, ‘I just gotta get my hands–‘ “
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence. Jeez, can you just give it up already? I’m embarrassed enough as it is, and now you gotta be busting my ba–I mean, chops–I said chops!”
“Ohhhh…*guffaw*…but you started to say–“
“Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! No, I didn’t say that–you thought I was going to walk right into that one, but I said ‘chops’ instead! Let the record show–let the record show!”
“Okay, okay. I’ll be done for now.”
“Sheesh. Thank you.”
*momentary pause*
“…But I now see what you mean about being ashamed that you turned around and ran off to the nearest Chick-Fil-A…think you maybe over-corrected there a bit much?”
“I know, I know…I swear I’m an open-minded ‘ally.’ Just not…you know…that open-minded. And it just had to happen now.”
“You mean when you have COVID?”
“No, I mean in the month of June…”
“Ah, I see.”
“Yeah?”
“Yup.”
*another pause*
“Welp,” she quipped, “I can’t possibly imagine a more appropriate way to end Pride Month…”
But wait! Is there more? Yes! There must be more! There are just too many unanswered questions, right?
Does my Beautiful Bride get her beauty rest? Does Nurse Camilo come back to haunt anybody? And what, pray tell, exactly did I say in that fateful conversation with Nurse Camilo that got us in this pickle-dodging mess in the first place?
There’s only one to find out, Dear Reader, only one way…Stay. Tuned.
Content created on: 2 December 2022 (Friday)
Footnotes & References:
You succeeded in tricking me. Despite you giving signals and being such a good listener, and him looking at your privates, isn’t it still unethical for Cami to do that? Also, sounds like your COVID-cation was terrible, but at least you got some good stories to tell.
Yeah, definitely some questionable ethics happening there. And yes, it was the worst COVID-cation ever, but I can’t complain when I walk away with 4 whole months (!) of blog material!