Latest Posts
4 Min Read
He's so wet, so weak, so powerless--he's a bachelor in distress.
And if his damsel won't save him, he'll just die in this shower, I guess...
5 Min Read
'Tis a tragedy! 'Tis a mystery! My cheese has gone missing in the middle of the night!
Show yourself, fiend--dare you step into the light...
13 Min Read
Six years and 340 posts in, and still no book deals-ies?
Sweet White Jesus, this is getting old pretty quick for reals-ies...
6 Min Read
This is the story of two brothers, one a hero, one forgotten to time.
A tale telling that it really matters how you get to that finish line...
6 Min Read
Ya know how they say 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'?
Um, let's just say ya funk with Dunkin, won't be no drinking yo' coffee in peace...
6 Min Read
Excuse me, ma'am--EXCUSE ME--Yoo-hoo! My eyes are up here.
Say, it's not polite to let yo' gaze linger so long anywhere near, uh, um, er...
6 Min Read
I swear, you can't leave your kid home alone for 20 minutes before things go to sh*t. So tell me, Pro Parent, how you plan to deal with it...
5 Min Read
I ain't green like Kermit, and I ain't orange like Ernie nor yellow like his rubber ducky.
Why, ain't no reason why I'm so darn lucky...
6 Min Read
You can't always trust yo' multi-cultural money-making schemes to go as planned.
Fear not tho! Your wife's street cred can lend you a hand...
6 Min Read
So you think you've gotten away with pulling off the ultimate dad joke?
But it turns out that is too soon that you have spoke...
Featured Posts
7 Min Read
If you love her, you'll give her whatever she needs.
Even if that "whatever" involves 8 gallons of oil...
4 Min Read
Young man, pay no heed to the siren's call of 90s technology!
It's not worth the cost for some sweet eye candy (and I mean that literally...)
6 Min Read
Note: this is the 1st installment of the Kandy Karma saga. If you have already read this, please feel free to skip to Parts 2 & 3. Free candy? Socially-sanctioned dress-up playtime? No age restrictions? On it’s face, Halloween seems like a deal too good to be true. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned […]
4 Min Read
Boy, you got yourself some pretty hair there.
But with great beauty comes great responsibility, son, so you better beware...
7 Min Read
Some people know where they belong. Typically accompanied with a strong sense of identity, this “deluxe package” model of human being knows themselves well, knows their role in society, and has full confidence that they are in the social circle that’s a right fit for them. Gee, that sure sounds nice, doesn’t it? As you […]
9 Min Read
Everybody needs at least one constant truth in their life to keep them sane. For me, that one truth was that I could always count on olives to be intolerably nasty. I knew from an early age that olives and I weren’t going to get along. For example, when I was 9 I had gone […]
4 Min Read
“About time…about —damn time.” That was my reaction when I read the clickbait article today confirming that Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure 3 was REALLY, TRULY HAPPENING. Sure, we have to wait over a year before it actually comes out, but we’ve waited 28 years thus far, so who can complain? I was 8 or […]
2 Min Read
One fine Saturday morning many moons ago, I found myself taking a shower with the bathroom door open. Now, the door opens in towards the shower, so even with it open, it would be difficult for anybody in the hallway to actually see you showering. Anyways, afterwards, as I turned off the water and began […]
4 Min Read
"...what does one do when the Confederate-flag-on-a-hockey-stick games begin?"
4 Min Read
Have you ever caught yourself daydreaming about your clean-cut mom or dad suddenly cussing like a sailor?
Then today's your lucky day, sir...
Random Posts
6 Min Read
"You boys have been found guilty of being incredibly frickin' stupid.
I hereby sentence you little dumbasses to be friends for life..."
5 Min Read
For all those times when someone has looked at you and thought, "What a frickin' idiot!"
Well, well, well, now the shoe's on the other foot...
2 Min Read
Growing up, my mom tended to keep the thermostat in our house set on the lower end of the tolerable spectrum. One winter, when I was about 4 or 5 years old, I couldn’t take it any more and demanded she at least buy me some warm pajamas. Despite my melodramatic pleading for her to […]
3 Min Read
Secrets lurk in the dark, waiting to ambush you.
And they're coming for your precious little family, too...
3 Min Read
First, for funsies (and titular context): When I normally say to my fans, “Here’s something from the vault,” what I usually mean is: Probabilistically speaking, here is one of my more mildly interesting blog posts that you probably haven’t read. What? Oh, no I’m not being lazy. I could have written entirely fresh content. I […]
8 Min Read
If I'm being oppressed on the job because of my hair, then we agree my boss is being racist, right?
(P.S. We're both white...)
4 Min Read
Fuck Bob Ross. Don’t get me wrong, he was a great guy–may he rest in peace. But seriously, ----- him and his happy little trees, too. You may be wondering what the hell is wrong with me, as it is a widely accepted fact that everyone loves The Ross-ster. Don’t worry, I’ll address that in […]
4 Min Read
Beware if you find yourself making outrageous claims like "I invented cake pops..."
6 Min Read
Sometimes, the drunken truth can be the most sobering thing of all...
7 Min Read
If it isn’t obvious by now, I’m particularly fascinated by dreams. I find that they provide an interesting–and sometimes terrifyingly honest–peek into our psyches. It’s like saying to your Innermost Self, “No, tell me how you really feel about me.” The downside to recounting dreams to the rest of the world is that so, so […]
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