Latest Posts
4 Min Read
He's so wet, so weak, so powerless--he's a bachelor in distress.
And if his damsel won't save him, he'll just die in this shower, I guess...
5 Min Read
'Tis a tragedy! 'Tis a mystery! My cheese has gone missing in the middle of the night!
Show yourself, fiend--dare you step into the light...
13 Min Read
Six years and 340 posts in, and still no book deals-ies?
Sweet White Jesus, this is getting old pretty quick for reals-ies...
6 Min Read
This is the story of two brothers, one a hero, one forgotten to time.
A tale telling that it really matters how you get to that finish line...
6 Min Read
Ya know how they say 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'?
Um, let's just say ya funk with Dunkin, won't be no drinking yo' coffee in peace...
6 Min Read
Excuse me, ma'am--EXCUSE ME--Yoo-hoo! My eyes are up here.
Say, it's not polite to let yo' gaze linger so long anywhere near, uh, um, er...
6 Min Read
I swear, you can't leave your kid home alone for 20 minutes before things go to sh*t. So tell me, Pro Parent, how you plan to deal with it...
5 Min Read
I ain't green like Kermit, and I ain't orange like Ernie nor yellow like his rubber ducky.
Why, ain't no reason why I'm so darn lucky...
6 Min Read
You can't always trust yo' multi-cultural money-making schemes to go as planned.
Fear not tho! Your wife's street cred can lend you a hand...
6 Min Read
So you think you've gotten away with pulling off the ultimate dad joke?
But it turns out that is too soon that you have spoke...
Featured Posts
10 Min Read
Editor’s note: For the sake of keeping the running time of my weekly Sunday missives as close to 5 minutes as possible, this multi-thought musing has been split up into two parts. While each part has some entertainment and/or philosophical value by itself, they truly need to be read as a whole. For your convenience, […]
4 Min Read
I knew that doggy yoga position alright: "Canine Arching Back Skyward In Glorious Defecation"...
4 Min Read
"...what does one do when the Confederate-flag-on-a-hockey-stick games begin?"
9 Min Read
They have origin stories! They have alter-egos! But if I got an origin story for my alter-ego?
That just might make me a super super-hero...
5 Min Read
Even when she gathered both of us in the room and demanded we get to the bottom of The Mystery of Which of My Teen Boys Has Been Looking at Lingerie Catalogs, I managed to stick to my guns and maintain the lie.
6 Min Read
Wanna hear a fantastic–but true–story? On a dreary Seattle day in May 1992, a brave dark knight hoisted himself upon a giant papier-mâché derrière and spoke truth into a flat and listless world: I like big butts and I cannot lieYou other brothers can’t denyThat when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waistAnd […]
5 Min Read
As I write this very topical post, we are at the front end of these uncertain times brought on by the COVID-19 pandemic. No doubt, some out there probably can’t help but wonder if we’re living out the Book of Revelations in real time. I can’t say that thought hasn’t crossed my mind once or […]
3 Min Read
Pleased with ourselves that we had Top Secret intel that no one else had, Elmer and I spent the rest of our bus ride dreamily wondering aloud what super-cool toy the Universe would endow upon as at the gift exchange...
5 Min Read
Did you know...racism comes in many flavors?
Well then, ret me tell you a story--though I might not be doing anyone any favors...
5 Min Read
The teacher smiled an evil smile as her devious plan came together.
But when that plan done blew up in her face? That was oh so much better...
Random Posts
5 Min Read
...but no matter how many wheels I re-invent, guess what? If it doesn't put food on the table for my kids, a roof over my wife's head, and a handgun in the Bible case of my beloved mother, than what in hot Hades have I been good for?
2 Min Read
Back in January–a much simpler time, indeed–I was hanging out with one of my friends in the neighborhood while our kids played together. He asked me what I wanted to talk about, and I told him anything but politics–I wanted to relax and that was the last thing that would help me do that. Somehow, […]
7 Min Read
Yeah, sure, David Attenborough nature documentaries can be fascinating and informative. But as a source of relationship advice? Not so much...
3 Min Read
So lay down and pour yourself a medium dosage of whatever sedative you can find laying around, because, admit it: that's what all really should have done for the last 3 months of 2020.
3 Min Read
Don't be satisfied with those bougie pranks.
If you want to funk with someone's mind, you gotta play the long game...
5 Min Read
Most people can't quite put their finger on what feels 'off' about their lives.
At least until what's 'off' is a little too 'on the nose'...
3 Min Read
We all hope to be remembered fondly for our charitable deeds.
But which one actually gets memorialized? Well, that depends...
4 Min Read
Some stories, well, they're straight-forward.
And then there are some stories you simply can't tell with a straight face...
2 Min Read
You know what they say: "The early bird gets the worm!"
What they don't tell you is: "The early tax-filer might just get screwed out of all the easy monies..."
3 Min Read
"Excuse me, sir. Can I ask what your ethnicity is?" I'm not gonna lie to y'all...I never saw that one coming.
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