Latest Posts
4 Min Read
He's so wet, so weak, so powerless--he's a bachelor in distress.
And if his damsel won't save him, he'll just die in this shower, I guess...
5 Min Read
'Tis a tragedy! 'Tis a mystery! My cheese has gone missing in the middle of the night!
Show yourself, fiend--dare you step into the light...
13 Min Read
Six years and 340 posts in, and still no book deals-ies?
Sweet White Jesus, this is getting old pretty quick for reals-ies...
6 Min Read
This is the story of two brothers, one a hero, one forgotten to time.
A tale telling that it really matters how you get to that finish line...
6 Min Read
Ya know how they say 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'?
Um, let's just say ya funk with Dunkin, won't be no drinking yo' coffee in peace...
6 Min Read
Excuse me, ma'am--EXCUSE ME--Yoo-hoo! My eyes are up here.
Say, it's not polite to let yo' gaze linger so long anywhere near, uh, um, er...
6 Min Read
I swear, you can't leave your kid home alone for 20 minutes before things go to sh*t. So tell me, Pro Parent, how you plan to deal with it...
5 Min Read
I ain't green like Kermit, and I ain't orange like Ernie nor yellow like his rubber ducky.
Why, ain't no reason why I'm so darn lucky...
6 Min Read
You can't always trust yo' multi-cultural money-making schemes to go as planned.
Fear not tho! Your wife's street cred can lend you a hand...
6 Min Read
So you think you've gotten away with pulling off the ultimate dad joke?
But it turns out that is too soon that you have spoke...
Featured Posts
7 Min Read
Yeah, sure, David Attenborough nature documentaries can be fascinating and informative. But as a source of relationship advice? Not so much...
5 Min Read
Once, twice--even thrice--mom's message has been read.
You rub your eyes, scratch your head--you can't believe what she actually just said...
4 Min Read
When religious ministry and wordplay collide, ya better butter up, BuckleCup.
Slipe 'n slide and glide, it's gonna be one heaven of a ride...
4 Min Read
Just when I thought my MotherLand couldn't bring me any more shame...it goes and completely redeems itself! (Uh, that's from Dumb & Dumber...)
4 Min Read
Valentine's Day is right around the corner, and it's time to get your funk on, baby! But first, you're gonna have to get that funk the funk off you...
8 Min Read
With graduation season nigh upon us, I thought what would be better than to take a moment to celebrate such achievements and milestones in our lives? Not to #HumbleBrag, but my Ph.D. graduation ceremony only lands at #2 on my list of diplomas that I’m ----- proud of earning. No, the #1 spot came many […]
6 Min Read
Quick question: do you have to actually know your neighbor before you call in that big favor?
Asking for a friend (or vice versa)...
5 Min Read
The teacher smiled an evil smile as her devious plan came together.
But when that plan done blew up in her face? That was oh so much better...
9 Min Read
Everybody needs at least one constant truth in their life to keep them sane. For me, that one truth was that I could always count on olives to be intolerably nasty. I knew from an early age that olives and I weren’t going to get along. For example, when I was 9 I had gone […]
6 Min Read
Wanna hear a fantastic–but true–story? On a dreary Seattle day in May 1992, a brave dark knight hoisted himself upon a giant papier-mâché derrière and spoke truth into a flat and listless world: I like big butts and I cannot lieYou other brothers can’t denyThat when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waistAnd […]
Random Posts
4 Min Read
Ten...nine...eight...seven...
You got about six more seconds before you're gonna see ol' Hamhocks go up into porcine heaven...
4 Min Read
When you're down on your luck, a helping hand should sound great.
But when your pal's a dipshit, you have to worry about what you just ate...
3 Min Read
When you ask whether I prefer “white meat vs dark meat”, you’re talking about the turkey, right? Right…? Boisterous, intoxicated uncles. Politically-opinionated and genetically-related geriatrics. Dairy-induced gastrointestinal events. If there weren’t enough reasons to dread what we Americans like to call Turkey Day, please, allow me to give you one more that you most definitely […]
5 Min Read
"Always wear sunscreen," they said. Little did I know how horrible that life advice would turn out to be...
7 Min Read
Ahh, Early March: perhaps most widely remembered as a nation-wide period of mourning, year in and year out. Feeling depressed around this time of the year, every year, without fail? Yeah. #MeToo. Most people go throughout life never knowing the reason behind this annual mood swing. If you count yourself amongst that legion, then count […]
6 Min Read
Painting your mom's new pad is an honorable task.
But whatever you do, son, at least make sure it doesn't end up looking like ass...
2 Min Read
Speaking of showers and judgy assholes,1See: Lawnmower Man that reminds me… During my second year of grad school, I lived with three of my fellow physics grad students. They were all [astro]nuclear physicists and my main research tool was Nuclear Magnetic Resonance (NMR), so we decided to lean hard into the whole “nuclear” theme and […]
3 Min Read
You might be tempted to think that today’s topic would be about holding public servants and/or private corporations to account, but alas, it ain’t that woke. It is however, about trust. As in, we implicitly tend to trust the world at large to have its proverbial shit together. So when tiny bits of incongruency flash […]
9 Min Read
They said it would be a cinch to upload your essence to the cloud.
Instead you're now cussing out the stupid machines--but shh! Not aloud...
5 Min Read
Why give 'em a call when you can knock on their door?
C'mon on down and little ol' Gladys will gladly help you find the perfect floor...
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