Latest Posts
4 Min Read
He's so wet, so weak, so powerless--he's a bachelor in distress.
And if his damsel won't save him, he'll just die in this shower, I guess...
5 Min Read
'Tis a tragedy! 'Tis a mystery! My cheese has gone missing in the middle of the night!
Show yourself, fiend--dare you step into the light...
13 Min Read
Six years and 340 posts in, and still no book deals-ies?
Sweet White Jesus, this is getting old pretty quick for reals-ies...
6 Min Read
This is the story of two brothers, one a hero, one forgotten to time.
A tale telling that it really matters how you get to that finish line...
6 Min Read
Ya know how they say 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'?
Um, let's just say ya funk with Dunkin, won't be no drinking yo' coffee in peace...
6 Min Read
Excuse me, ma'am--EXCUSE ME--Yoo-hoo! My eyes are up here.
Say, it's not polite to let yo' gaze linger so long anywhere near, uh, um, er...
6 Min Read
I swear, you can't leave your kid home alone for 20 minutes before things go to sh*t. So tell me, Pro Parent, how you plan to deal with it...
5 Min Read
I ain't green like Kermit, and I ain't orange like Ernie nor yellow like his rubber ducky.
Why, ain't no reason why I'm so darn lucky...
6 Min Read
You can't always trust yo' multi-cultural money-making schemes to go as planned.
Fear not tho! Your wife's street cred can lend you a hand...
6 Min Read
So you think you've gotten away with pulling off the ultimate dad joke?
But it turns out that is too soon that you have spoke...
Featured Posts
4 Min Read
Well, it was either "ignoble death" or "registered sex offender for life."
I quickly came to terms that I was probably going to die right there in the water...
5 Min Read
Has an unexpected interstate lawman come a-knockin' at your door?
Demand they double-check--surely you ain't the guy they're looking for...
6 Min Read
When she said "Farmboy, fetch me the finest seats in the house," you know what he said?
"As you wish..."
6 Min Read
You hope to give your baby daughter an Easter surprise, but...(Spoiler alert)Jesus isn't the only white thing that's about to arise...
4 Min Read
Just when I thought my MotherLand couldn't bring me any more shame...it goes and completely redeems itself! (Uh, that's from Dumb & Dumber...)
7 Min Read
Yeah, sure, David Attenborough nature documentaries can be fascinating and informative. But as a source of relationship advice? Not so much...
6 Min Read
You swear you weren't meaning to get a leg up on the competition
But now you gotta fix the situation without drawing too much attention...
7 Min Read
Ahh, Early March: perhaps most widely remembered as a nation-wide period of mourning, year in and year out. Feeling depressed around this time of the year, every year, without fail? Yeah. #MeToo. Most people go throughout life never knowing the reason behind this annual mood swing. If you count yourself amongst that legion, then count […]
4 Min Read
Young man, pay no heed to the siren's call of 90s technology!
It's not worth the cost for some sweet eye candy (and I mean that literally...)
8 Min Read
This is a warning to any kiddie-stalkers that look oddly like my friend, my dude:
You keep following those girls, and I swear I'll end you...
Random Posts
6 Min Read
You're sick af and just need a place to get some peaceful sleep.
Yeah, that's the perfect time to be dirt cheap...
6 Min Read
Sometimes, the drunken truth can be the most sobering thing of all...
2 Min Read
My goodwill towards women seems to have come back and ungratefully bit me in the ass...
4 Min Read
Positive COVID test? Check. Apartment all to yourself? Check. A really strong drug prescription? Check!
Let the pharmaceutical phun begin...
4 Min Read
Me: "OMG, we're rich now!"
Dad: "What's this 'we' stuff, Kemosabe...?"
3 Min Read
Sometimes I fancy myself a bit of a guardian angel: unseen, but always looking out for unsuspecting fine young honeys everywhere...
5 Min Read
Who can make a boy's wildest dream come true? The Candy Man can!
And who can trash that dream? The Anti-Candy Ma'am can! Or so she thinks...
3 Min Read
By default, WordPress pre-populates a new blog with a singular post entitled “Hello world!” It is meant to be deleted or appropriately edited, but I felt so inspired by these words that I decided to instead subvert this post for my own purposes. Joke’s on them, I suppose. My experience with “Hello world!” is in […]
6 Min Read
The field, the field, the field is on fire. We don't need no water, let the mother fucker burn.
Burn mother fucker, burn...
3 Min Read
Secrets lurk in the dark, waiting to ambush you.
And they're coming for your precious little family, too...
The latest word on the street