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4 Min Read
He's so wet, so weak, so powerless--he's a bachelor in distress.
And if his damsel won't save him, he'll just die in this shower, I guess...

5 Min Read
'Tis a tragedy! 'Tis a mystery! My cheese has gone missing in the middle of the night!
Show yourself, fiend--dare you step into the light...

13 Min Read
Six years and 340 posts in, and still no book deals-ies?
Sweet White Jesus, this is getting old pretty quick for reals-ies...

6 Min Read
This is the story of two brothers, one a hero, one forgotten to time.
A tale telling that it really matters how you get to that finish line...
6 Min Read
Ya know how they say 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'?
Um, let's just say ya funk with Dunkin, won't be no drinking yo' coffee in peace...

6 Min Read
Excuse me, ma'am--EXCUSE ME--Yoo-hoo! My eyes are up here.
Say, it's not polite to let yo' gaze linger so long anywhere near, uh, um, er...

6 Min Read
I swear, you can't leave your kid home alone for 20 minutes before things go to sh*t. So tell me, Pro Parent, how you plan to deal with it...

5 Min Read
I ain't green like Kermit, and I ain't orange like Ernie nor yellow like his rubber ducky.
Why, ain't no reason why I'm so darn lucky...

6 Min Read
You can't always trust yo' multi-cultural money-making schemes to go as planned.
Fear not tho! Your wife's street cred can lend you a hand...

6 Min Read
So you think you've gotten away with pulling off the ultimate dad joke?
But it turns out that is too soon that you have spoke...
Featured Posts











6 Min Read
You hope to give your baby daughter an Easter surprise, but...(Spoiler alert)Jesus isn't the only white thing that's about to arise...

< 1 Min Read
The Year: 1999, Summer Time. Location: Our Family Farm.
Excitement Level? "Never A Dull Moment"...

2 Min Read
One fine Saturday morning many moons ago, I found myself taking a shower with the bathroom door open. Now, the door opens in towards the shower, so even with it open, it would be difficult for anybody in the hallway to actually see you showering. Anyways, afterwards, as I turned off the water and began […]

4 Min Read
The White Jesus Savior Complex is a lot like the Rapture. You never really see it coming...

4 Min Read
Oh man, Pony Boy just rolled into town.
You best believe that some horse sh*t is about to go down...

5 Min Read
Say, do you remember those barnyard sounds toys from our childhood? The kind that had a giant plastic arrow that would spin around when you pulled the lever, and then for whatever it would land on, it would kindly inform you what sound that animal made. For example, “The cow says: ‘Mooo’!” Well, I have […]

5 Min Read
This is Part 2 of my Pee-No-Evil adventure. It will probably make much more sense to first read Part 1, Touched By An Angel, if you haven’t already. That’s okay. I’ll just wait here… When I last left you, I had just experienced for the very first time not only an ultrasound, but also the […]

6 Min Read
Just cuz somebody is a real smarty-pants doesn't mean they don't make dumb decisions on occasion.
And, no, I'm not returning my medal, man...

10 Min Read
“Today’s a good day to dress like a tourist–I would even argue that it’s the perfect day to dress like one!” One year ago this very day, the beautiful French morning was slipping away, and I couldn’t believe I was wasting time defending my choice of vacation attire. The Boss Lady and I had decided […]

< 1 Min Read
No, you didn't come here to read long-winded novels.
But that never stopped me from writing a few anyways...
Random Posts











6 Min Read
If you're lucky, a cat or mouse will only scratch you.
If you're unlucky, they might just scar you for life...

4 Min Read
Most folks cruise through life without really ever having to really give fellatio much of a second thought.
But when your name is Blow Job? Well, you aren't exactly afforded the luxury of living a life blissfully ignorant of the true meaning of such hedonistic acts.

3 Min Read
Sometimes I fancy myself a bit of a guardian angel: unseen, but always looking out for unsuspecting fine young honeys everywhere...

2 Min Read
Aah, Pogs. Surely y’all remember those, right? You know, “the tiddly-winks of the ’90s”? Pogs(TM)–also known by their generic name of “milk caps”1https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milk_caps_(game)–were at the peak of their popularity in the fall of 1994, precisely coinciding with my move from the desolate plains of the Midwest2Turns out, I don’t think Kansas and Missouri actually qualify […]

4 Min Read
I love you to the moon and back!"
...said no brother ever...

4 Min Read
When I was 11 or 12 years old, I remember having a conversation with my dad, Bob J., about something that had happened recently on our farm. I don’t remember exactly what it was–it wasn’t anything of real consequence–but I remember being slightly surprised that this was the first I was hearing of this event. […]

5 Min Read
Ah, it's that time of year to fondly remember those men we call 'Dad'.
Just try not to remember TOO many details, though...

3 Min Read
"To the LeBaron!" is what you hoped to hear. "To the Le Pickle Wagon!" is what you got instead...

4 Min Read
Almost everyone has had that little brother that won't stop whining.
Or been that little brother...

5 Min Read
I'm actually surprised that my kids didn't turn out to be freaking mutants...
The latest word on the street