2 Min Read

Nothing tears apart close friends like a friendly disagreement over…condiments?

What the fu…


Honestly, I’m not the type of guy to make a scene. At least not in public, anyways. But every once in a while, a hill comes along worth dying on, so to speak.

So, pray tell, is the one hill that I can remember actually almost dying on? What was the topic so controversial, the opponent so clearly wrong, the stakes so unbelievably high, that I would be willing to come thiiiiis close to getting into a raging fist-fight and nearly getting hauled off in handcuffs?

The hill I chose to die on, my friend, was the one slathered in an undeniably delicious sweet, tangy zip.

You see, back in my grad school days I was on the Physics Grad Student Body’s Social Committee, and me and a couple of my fellow chums in the department were in charge of putting together the annual end-of-the-school-year/spring picnic. We had met up for lunch at a restaurant near campus to do the most banal of all tasks imaginable: put together the shopping list for the event.

It was easy enough to agree on the condiments we felt we should have in ample supply: ketchup, mustard, relish, and mayonnaise…wait, what?

Back that up just a second buddy!

No, I don’t agree that mayonnaise is the universal white condiment of choice! I mean, if that’s what you need to lube the food before you shovel it down your gullet, then who am I to judge? People who prefer the Good Stuff–Miracle Whip–are probably nearly as prevalent as the folk who somehow enjoy vinegar mixed with eggs, and should be considered as well.

I made the completely reasonable suggestion that we should just get both and everyone would be happy.

But in the name of all that’s holy, I have no idea how such a simple topic and such a clear-headed suggestion took the turn it did. But a turn indeed did it take.

Wool E. Mammoth, one of the other committee members, decided to be a complete troll about it, and basically forced me to decide whether I was passionate enough about my ‘Whip to defend its honor to the end.

Turns out, I was. I’m almost ashamed to say that things got a little heated and a little loud, and some of the other patrons at the restaurant were starting to give us nervous looks. Yeah, I might have yelled a little bit.

But here’s the deal: when I reflect on that interesting moment in my life–one that cooled off before the cops were called or punches thrown, by the way–I only regret it so much. Why? Because I realized that it wasn’t a matter of oozing white slime on sandwiches that was at issue.

It’s about giving a voice to the voiceless…considering those with slightly less popular opinions…being a champion on behalf of those who are not there to defend themselves…standing up to the condiment bullies who are trying to screw over the little guy…

*Braveheart music*

*Fist-pump of victory*

Huh? Oh, pardon me, I got caught up in the moment, righteous anger, social justice and all.

Now only if I would get off my sandwich high-horse and actually champion a truly worthy cause…


Content created on: 4 March 2021 (Thursday)

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