Secrets lurk in the dark, waiting to ambush you.
And they’re coming for your precious little family, too…
“WHAT THE–?!? Hey, let go of me!”
‘Lyle'1Yes, that’s his real middle name., one of my older brothers, startled awake in the dark2For the historical record, it was actually the middle of the day. to find a mysterious arm clutching him tightly.
“ZZZZZZ…zzzz…” The only response that broke the silence was some serious snoring.
“Ugghn!” Lyle let out a deep grunt as he pried himself free from the arm.
“That was weird…” he muttered to himself before rolling over and falling back asleep…
“ZZZZ…I gotchya! Zzzz….”
The stillness of the night was shattered by some light snoring with a few cryptic words mumbled in between, followed by a loud “THWAP!” as a disembodied arm smacked 1SkinnyJ–yet another of my many brothers–in the abdomen.
“Get. Off. Me!”
A bleary-eyed 1SJ was a confused by the arm as he was annoyed. After all, none of us had been getting much sleep that week, as we had been spending almost every moment–waking or otherwise–beside our dad as he lay on his deathbed.
After 4 days of virtually no sleep, the three of us finally had the chance to get a few hours of hardcore napping at a family friend’s3Okay, so it was actually Lyle’s uncle–is it really worth wasting the words to explain that? house. But keeping watch as you wait for a loved one to pass can take a deep toll on a person.
Apparently, it causes you to hallucinate that mystery appendages are giving you really intense hugs as you sleep…
“Dude, I had the weirdest dream…”
Refreshed and back at the hospital, Lyle and 1SJ were just shooting the breeze to pass the time.
“…that an arm came out of nowhere and saved you from falling off the bed, amiright? I’m right, aren’t I?”
1SJ‘s jaw dropped open, wondering how the heck Lyle knew exactly what had gone down in his dream.
“Wha–how did you know?”
“Yeah, it happened to me too. Though…”
“Though what?”
They both turned and looked at me, who had been aloof to their entire conversation up until that point.
“That was no dream–it was you!”
I found myself staring down Lyle’s accusatory finger.
“What did I do? I’m innocent I swear!”
“You were sleeping in between us, so it must have been your arm that kept grabbing us in our sleep!”
“You’re full of sh*t, man. I was sound asleep the whole time.”
“No, it’s true,” 1SJ chimed in, “you were definitely trying to keep us from falling off the bed. Though, come to think of it, we were never ever even close to the edge…”
“Really?!? I swear that’s never happened before, my bros…”
“AAAAHHHH! What the hell, Hubby? You scared the crap out of me!”
“These dogs…these dogs keep mooching off my back…mumble mumble mumble…”
“Oh…you jackass. You’re doing weird sh*t in your sleep again…”
Less than 4 months after Dad passed, I found myself newly wed to the Boss Lady, and it didn’t take too long for her to learn that, indeed, I do do weird sh*t in my sleep. Stuff that I had no clue I was ever capable of.
Performing dream-soliloquys complaining about dogs trying to hitch a ride on my back as I swam across a river? Check.
Making her wake up to an earthquake rocking our bed, only for her to discover it’s just me, rocking out and playing the air drums while still fast asleep? Been there, done that.
And of course: saving her from falling off the bed? You can bet her sweet ass that she’s the safest snoozing spouse you’ve ever met. Just ask her: there’s nothing like unwittingly being wrapped up securely in a strong, sexy arm….Night, after night, after night…
These are just a few of the many tales she would regale me when I woke up. Stories so fantastic and/or ridiculous that I would have never believed her, were it not for the independent accounts of my nocturnal heroics from my beloved brothers.
The point of the story is: you never know who you truly are until you start sleeping with other people…
“Don’t worry, Daddy! I’ll keep you safe from falling!”
“THWAP!”
A tiny little 4-year-old arm grabbed a hold of me tightly, just right when I was starting to settle into my nap with The Younger.4As in, “the Younger of my two daughters.”
“Yawn…hmm, that’s nice…”
…
“Wait, what?!?” I startled awake as I recognized what she what was really doing–and that there was no way she could have learned that behavior from me.
“Dang it,” I muttered to myself. “It looks like it’s genetic…I guess I’m passing my White While-You-Were-Sleeping Savior Complex onto my daughters…”
Content created on: 1/2 April 2022 (Fri/Sat)
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