The way I was laughing at the thought of the Universe getting in one last Cosmic punch to the gonads was clearly making him real nervous. The wild look in my eyes probably didn’t help much either…
Believe it or not, we’re still talking about that one time we tried to permanently relocate our car to Kansas before we moved to Hawai’i. All we ever wanted was to give a beloved family member the Gift of a Lifetime: a vehicle that is both functioning and reliable.
Okay, okay, so maybe “Gift of a Lifetime” is a little hyperbolic. But it’s still a pretty decent gift to give someone. We could have always just sold it and put a cool $2-3k in our pockets, you know.
As you may recall, we came really, really close–like, “1/10th of a mile” close–to getting the car to Kansas under its own power–and if you know not of which I speak, take a quick break and read up on it here.
Then, to add to the absurdity, I found myself staring into the mouth of madness when I attempted to get AAA come rescue us. You can relive the dramatic reenactment of that moment here.
Those AAA-Holes (TM) had pushed me so far into insanity that I had actually gone all the way through it and found myself in Hyper-Sane Land. It was in this altered state of mind that it became clear what I had to do: AAA Oklahoma wasn’t going to come save us any time soon, so I was going to have physically push the ----- car over the state line and into Kansas with my own two hands.
After all, we had a hot, hot date with the Morton County Fair that fateful day in August, and I sure wasn’t about to let no mechanical failure keep me from forcing the Boss Lady into watching me dramatical reenact The Prize Pig Story where it actually happened…
Well, as it turned out, after hanging up on AAA I took a moment to collect my thoughts before acting on my plan to push the car to it’s semi-semi-final destination.
At that point, it had been probably been a good hour since we had broken down, and I had replenished the radiator, so…yup. I could actually start it up!
It didn’t sound completely okay, but we were able to drive the few hundred yards into Kansas (!!!) and then the half mile or so on to the fairgrounds. Being the eternal optimist that I am, I was hoping that maybe the engine just needed to “rest” for the day, and then that evening we would be able to drive the last 33 miles to the car’s final destination, Hugoton, KS (see Figure 1).
We ended up enjoying our day at the fair as best as one could, trying to ignore that nagging feeling in the back of our minds that we done screwed up real good this time.
Now, I had originally wanted to stick around for the rodeo that night, but at about 6 pm we decided that we should probably get going, just in the very unlikely, off-chance, remote possibility that the car might, just might not make the last leg of the trip on its own.
And confident as a cowpatty,1It’s a play on “sure as shit” in case you were wondering. we made it a whole 2 miles out of town (see Figure 2) before it was clear the car was on the verge of giving up the ghost.
Ah, but fear not! Recall that, being the certified genius that I am, I had upgraded our AAA membership to the fancy Gold status, entitling us to up to 75 miles of towing.
And guess what is less than 75? Thirty-one. The remaining 31 miles was most definitely less than 75, so…it was officially time to hail a glorified taxi for our vehicular.
Dialing up Kansas AAA, I pulled us slightly off the road and a little bit into a scenic cow pasture. At a certain point, you just have to embrace your shitty situation whole-heartedly, and we were bound determined to enjoy the relaxing prairie view while we awaited our ride.
It was actually kind of nice to be able to share that unexpected peaceful moment, not having other places to be, not having other things to do. The sun was setting, the August day was finally cooling down…and our sanity really needed the opportunity to sit and laugh at the ridiculous pickle in which we had found ourselves.
Of course, the day couldn’t end without at least a few more light shenanigans, though…
First, AAA wanted to send us a tow truck from Amarillo…Texas. Yup, since it was after-hours, that was the closest on-duty guy they could get ahold of…almost 2 1/2 hours away. After a bit of pleading on my part, they tried calling their guy in Elkhart again, and–praise be to the wide open Kansan heavens–he answered this time! Even then, though, the AAA operator had to coax him out of his house and into his truck, but in the end he agreed to come haul us off to Hugoton.
And then there was the issue of him locating us. He somehow managed to not find us alongside the highway, because you know, there’s no better hiding place than the ----- wide-open high-plains of Kansas. The tow truck passed 3 times before finally calling us up, and we had to explain to him yes, that domelight he spotted 30 feet out in the pasture was indeed his damsels in distress.
So FINALLY, at almost 10 pm, he and his teenage assistant got our immobilized car securely loaded up and on the road. And for everyone’s troubles, we were all richly rewarded with…the World’s Most Awkward Uber Ride, with all 4 of our sweaty bodies jammed in the cab of the truck, replete with 30 minutes of mentally exhausting small talk. It was unavoidable, though, because the only thing more awkward would have been to insist on staying in the car. But apparently AAA’s lawyers frown upon that…
At long last, at 10:30, we rolled up to–let’s call her ‘Daisy’–to Daisy’s doorstep. I’m sure that was a pleasant surprise for her…
“Tah-dah! Here are the keys to your NEW CAR!”
“Gee…thanks?”
Tow truck driver: “So, lady, where do you want me to put ‘er down?”
I felt like I needed to interject some context before she answered. “Um, you might want to choose wisely, because it might be in that spot for a little while.”
“Okaaaaay. Maybe take it to my friend’s place out in the country. He might be able to fix it. Better than pissing off my neighbors by leaving it planted in front of their house for the next 6 months.”
Tow truck guy: “Cool, cool. How far out in the country is his place?”2HOLY CRAP. I had forgotten about this last little plot twist.
Daisy thought for a second. “Let’s see…about 3 miles.”
*Tow truck guy pulls out his phone and studies his Google Maps app intently.*
“Just one tiny issue…I don’t think that’ll be covered. It’s about a 70-mile round trip from my shop to here and back, and then if you tack on another 3 miles each way…that puts me at 76 miles and AAA will only reimburse me if it’s under 75.”
*Crickets*
Technically, he was right (see Figure 3).
And technically, he was about to get a boot so far up his ass he would have shoelaces coming out his nose. Or at least that’s probably what he thought.
The way I was laughing at the thought of the Universe getting in one last Cosmic punch to the gonads was clearly making him real nervous. The wild look in my eyes probably didn’t help much either.
“…or maybe I can find a way to make it just under 75…heh, heh…GULP…right?”
“Whatever, man. Just please put us all out of our ----- misery already.”
Now, allow me, for those of you who have endured all 3 parts of this epic-ish journey, to put us out of our collective ----- misery already.
You see, it’s an allegory. Now, by definition, it’s supposed to be up to the Dear Reader to interpret the allegory to reveal the hidden meaning within.3https://lmgtfy.com/?q=allegory But haven’t you suffered enough already? I’ll do you a solid and just spell it out for ya.
Me and the Boss Lady? Baby Boomers.
Daisy, the beloved family member? The Boomers’ kids, Generation What-Have-Ya.
That gently-used-but-trusty car? America. Planet Earth. Hell, let’s just say both.
Sure, you wanted to leave something behind nice for your kids after you were long gone to “Hawai’i.” But you didn’t take seriously the warning signs that the engine was getting too hot. And then when things started to really break down, you got impatient and opted for the quick-fix instead of real solutions.
That’s okay, though. That “fix” was good enough to get you to your beloved fair and get the problems out of sight, out of mind, even if just for a little while.
Hope you enjoyed your time at the fair!
And at the end of the day, you show up at your kid’s door with an irreparably damaged Gift of a Lifetime on the back of a proverbial tow truck.
*Tosses keys to new owner*
“Welp! She’s all yours…you’re welcome!”
And, lastly, there’s the tow truck guy, aka The Year 2020 A.D.,4More like “in the Year of Our OVERLord” because silicon, alien, or regular ol’ fleshbag dictator, I know we’re all secretly thinking we’ll be subjugated in some form or another come December 31st… there to deliver the final blow to our sanity.
Please, just put us out of our ----- misery already…
Content created on: 21 August 2020 (Friday)
Footnotes & References:
Leave a Reply