Don’t be fooled–no matter what she says, size does matter.
*Ahem* Get your mind outta the gutter, Brah–I’m talking about surfboards…
“A long board for only $350?!? Hawaii Craigslist is so rad, man!”
It was mid-October of the year we moved to Honolulu, and even though we had been living there for barely 2 months, I was way overdue for buying a proper surfboard of my own, Brah. Like, it was totes embarrassing having to always be asking to borrow your boss’s or colleague’s board every time you wanted to hit the waves. Or–even worse–have to rent one of those cheap boards that all the tourists get stuck with.
Now, this would have been a task easier on the wallet if I were but a fellow of a slimmer, more agile build. You know, like Scott Caan1I name drop him because I actually went surfing with him once on accident. It was just him and I at that surf spot. I wasn’t catching a ----- thing. It was awkward….true story. from CBS’s hit crime drama, Hawai 5-0, one of those skinny athletic dudes who could catch a wave just by wearing oversized slippahs (or what you Haoles call ‘flip-flops’). Okay, well maybe not with slippahs–pardon the hyperbole–but they do be catch waves on surfboards in the 5 to 8 foot range with the greatest of ease.
Not me and my chunky uncoordinated ass, though, nosiree Bob! I needed something that I could balance on, and that could hold my hefty weight of…
*checks notes, and by ‘notes’ I mean my WeightWatchers history*
…oh, jeez, I was at least 235 then, well on my way to 250 lbs by Christmas. Yeah, so the point being is that I needed me a nice long, hefty board. And guess what? Long, hefty boards don’t come cheap, even on Craigslist.
So after seeing ads for long board after long board with asking prices in the range of $750-$1k, you bet your sweet taro pie that I was thrilled to find one for only $350. And while Ol’Tubby here was hoping to score and 11 or 12 foot board, this one coming at a solid 10-1/2 feet would surely get the job done, right?
Right…
“Howzit! Is this Jeanine with the ten and a half foot NSP board?” I couldn’t resist showing off the local slang for “How is it going?” that I recently incorporated into my dialect–even when I was shouting into the buzzer box of a downtown Waikiki apartment building, about to meet some rando from Craigslist.
“Howzit!” crackled back the buzzer box. “You the Haole from Craigslist? Come on up!”
After Jeanine buzzed me in, I scurried up 3 flights of stairs in eager anticipation of meeting The Board I would indubitably learn to surf on and who/which would go on to be so endeared to my heart as much as any inanimate object could be.
“Ah, come on in, the board’s back here. You got the cash on you, ya?” Jeanine grunted as she let me into an apartment that was clearly in the middle of a move-out.
“Oh, you better believe I got the cashola on me!”
Of course one brings cash to a Craigslist transaction, but on that particular day being adequately prepared to purchase large surfing equipment had been a whole ordeal, so I wasn’t ashamed to brag that I had the cash.
Did I have the cash? Pffft! Am I going to take the day off from work, rent a mini-van, almost get towed double-parking in front of the ATM, and then triple-park the rented mini-van in the way-to-narrow street in front of your apartment, and not ‘bring the cash’? Wahine, please! You lolo from eating too much loco moco.
I proceeded to try not to pretend to be over-eager, and asked dumb questions like: “So…why you selling the board?”
“Moving.”
“Huh. No sh*t, eh.”
I continued inspecting the goods, standing the board up next to me and verifying that it was indeed taller than me.
“Yup, looks good to me. How much were you asking again? $350?” Frankly, I wasn’t in the mood to haggle. I had come too far to get here, I just wanted to get my long board and leave.
“Ya, $350…”
She counted it out the stack of $50s I had handed her.
“1…2…3…4…5…6…7–looks like we’re all pau here. I hope you enjoy the board.”
I grabbed the board–lighter than I expected–and headed back down the stairs to where the temporarily-mine mini-van awaited, throwing her the shaka like the true kama’aina that I had already become.
“I’ll tell you what, though, Brah,” I muttered to myself as I fired up my sweet family chariot, “she sure wasn’t one to talk story…”
“Hey Babe, do you know where we packed our tools?” I shouted through the jalousies into our house as inspected my new purchase on our lanai. “Ummm…asking for a friend.”
“I don’t know–you were the one who packed all that. What are you needing anyways?” My Beautiful Bride shouted right back through the jalousies.
“Er…I just need a tape measure to double-check my math here on this ten and a half foot board.”
Moments later she joined me on the lanai, tape measure in hand–though she didn’t seem to need it.
“You mean that 8 foot board you got there?” she said immediately when she spotted my new prized possession. “Cuz that board is definitely not ‘ten and half feet’, my dear.”
“Just help me measure it, okay?”
She held one end and I pulled out the tape, and soon enough my worst fears were confirmed: I had just bought a 7 foot, 10 inch surfboard.
“Told ya!” MBB unhelpfully commented.
“Dangit! I knew I felt suspiciously tall when I stood next to it…”
From the University of Hawaii email archives, dated 8:17 pm, 13 October 2011, sent to my boss Andy, an experienced surfer:
“Hey Andy,
Quick question: on the way back from dropping my car off at the shop, I picked up a board I had found on craigslist. The posting said that it was an NSP, 10 1/2 foot.
I thought it looked shorter than I expected, but I thought 10 1/2 foot meant that it was 10 1/2 foot, right? So I when I got home to drop it off before coming in to work, I measured it and it’s only 8 foot long.
I texted the girl I bought it from about this, and she said “Its called a 10 foot cause its a beginners board that’s where it catches the waves.” So I’m confused…am I going to be able to surf on this thing (or will the wife be able to, for that matter)? Is she full of sh*t? Help this grom out!”
From the University of Hawaii email archives, dated 8:28 pm, 13 October 2011, from my boss Andy, an experienced surfer:
“No it’s not 10 1/2 feet it’s 7′ 10″. She’s full of it. You will never get up on that.”
From the University of Hawaii email archives, dated 8:29 pm, 13 October 2011, sent to my boss Andy, an experienced physicist:
“Thanks. That’s what I thought. She better give me money back. Next time, I’m taking a tape measure with me.”
From the University of Hawaii email archives, dated 8:28 pm, 13 October 2011, from my boss Andy, an experienced physicist:
“Good luck with that…”
To this very day, I am still waiting to hear back from her (and never caught a single wave on that thing, either). Stupid Craigslist return policy really screwed me over on this one.
*sigh*
The point of the story is never trust a scientist who can’t tell the difference between 94 inches and 126 inches.
Like, for realz?!? Taking accurate measurements is what you do for a living, Brah, and you’re over here clueless when you’re off by 25%? My Dude, maybe you should consider a career change before you embarrass yourself any more.
Howzthat? You say you’ve taken up a side hustle of home renovations? Oh, that’s definitely going to end well.
But hey, things could be worse. At least you’re not designing stage props for a satirical 80’s glam rock band…
Content created on: 12/13 May 2023 (Fri/Sat)
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