Talking To My Parents About Drugs Sure Was Informative, Man

“And the award for ‘Least Amount Of Substances Abused Over A Lifetime’ goes to…”

*ahem* Drum roll, please…

When I was in my early twenties, my mom and I went on a road trip together, and it turned out to be a great opportunity to get to know her as an adult. Somewhere around Saint Louis the topic of illicit drug use came up, as I was curious as to what kind of wild youth she might have had before I came along.

To my surprise, that conversation was much shorter than I expected, as she was able to exhaustively inventory the handful of experiences she had in under 10 minutes. As one might suspect, she had samplings of beer or wine spread throughout her adult years.

Oh, and that one time when she was in grade school when she learned a very valuable life lesson the hard way: once she and her cousin Kenny once dared her uncle to let them have a puff or two on his cigar. In true King Solomon-like fashion, though, he obliged them…on the one condition that they smoked the whole thing.

I’m not sure who called who’s bluff here, but they oh-so-unwisely took him up on his offer, and–in a shocking turn of events–both got sick af. And, she hasn’t touched tobackkie since that fateful 1960 summer day…

While that the tobacco story was quite entertaining and in fact left me laughing so hard I could barely drive, I must say I was a just a wee bit disappointed.

No LSD. No drunken benders. Not even a single drag of the icky-sticky Mary Jane. Not a single ----- skeleton in her closet to incorporate into her eulogy one day.

If I was hoping to hear mind-blowing stories about popping acid I guess I chose the wrong parent to talk to about drugs…

Given her sparse history with judgement-altering chemicals, then, I naturally assumed that there were no new shenanigans of hers to be discovered if the subject were to ever surface again. Or at most, that said shenanigans would be of the “cheeky and fun” variety.¹https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNPW2wZ4D2s

Fast-forward to a couple months ago when we were just chattin’ away when one of us happened to joke that the two-year-old in the household was acting lightly inebriated. You know, the classic “toddlers are basically drunk midgets” joke and all.

“Ha ha, well you don’t exactly have a whole lot of first-hand experience with that, right, Mom?” I casually commented.

“Just twice that I can think of,” she replied.

Well, this was a mildly interesting development.

“Oh, you’ve actually drank that much before?”

“Yeah, on one of our dates your dad and I went to Hugoton and I drank an entire Bloody Mary. I was a little tipsy after that.”

“Hah! You’re such a lightweight, Mom!”

She just stood there in silence, lightly blushing.

“Hmmph,” I thought to myself, “I’m not sure why my mother’s inability to efficiently metabolize alcohol would warrant an awkward pause…”

After a few more moments of silence, it occurred to me that she seemed to be working hard to not say anything more about that particular incident.

“Wait a minute…”

No doubt she could tell by the look on my face that the puzzle pieces were falling in place in my head.

“Did I…did I just…”

No, surely it couldn’t be.

“Did I just accidentally hear the story of how I was conceived?!?“

Now, the correct response here would have been an immediate and emphatic “No, of course not, Sweetie! That’s silly–you were a spontaneous localized manifestation of multi-dimensional positive energy, just like any other angel.”

But instead, she only blushed harder.

After another pregnant²Yes, of course this pun was very much so indeed intentional. pause, I said the only thing I could think to say in that very dazed and confused moment.

“Welp, I guess I just walked right into that one, didn’t I?”

Looking at me with pity in her eyes, she simply replied, “Yup.”

While typically I would leave you with a singular zinger of pithy life advice, I thought I would change it up and share with you a few of the alternate endings I was kicking around. Here’s an excerpt from my notes as I workshopped the possibilities:

• “I used to think that those who claimed ‘you learn something new everyday’ were full of shit. Oh, how I wish that were true…”
• “Well, that was unexpected.” Narrator: “That’s what your mom said!”
• “…and through all this, it was apparent that Mother had learned yet another very valuable life lesson, as she has never had another beer nor another child since…”
• Or simply: “Beer: The Fountain Of Youths!”

The truth is, though, it’s alternate beginnings that I’m left wishing for.

Like, what the hell am I supposed to do with this newfound knowledge that I was a Beer Baby?!? Oh, the ----- humanity!

Content created on: 9/10 December 2020 (Weds/Thurs)

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