Tag: Mental and Physical Breakdowns

The way I was laughing at the thought of the Universe getting in one last Cosmic punch to the gonads was clearly making him real nervous. The wild look in my eyes probably didn’t help much either…

Believe it or not, we’re still talking about that one time we tried to permanently relocate our car to Kansas before we moved to Hawai’i. All we ever wanted was to give a beloved family member the Gift of a Lifetime: a vehicle that is both functioning and reliable.

Okay, okay, so maybe “Gift of a Lifetime” is a little hyperbolic. But it’s still a pretty decent gift to give someone. We could have always just sold it and put a cool $2-3k in our pockets, you know.

As you may recall, we came really, really close–like, “1/10th of a mile” close–to getting the car to Kansas under its own power–and if you know not of which I speak, take a quick break and read up on it here.

Then, to add to the absurdity, I found myself staring into the mouth of madness when I attempted to get AAA come rescue us. You can relive the dramatic reenactment of that moment here.

Those AAA-Holes (TM) had pushed me so far into insanity that I had actually gone all the way through it and found myself in Hyper-Sane Land. It was in this altered state of mind that it became clear what I had to do: AAA Oklahoma wasn’t going to come save us any time soon, so I was going to have physically push the ----- car over the state line and into Kansas with my own two hands.

After all, we had a hot, hot date with the Morton County Fair that fateful day in August, and I sure wasn’t about to let no mechanical failure keep me from forcing the Boss Lady into watching me dramatical reenact The Prize Pig Story where it actually happened…

Well, as it turned out, after hanging up on AAA I took a moment to collect my thoughts before acting on my plan to push the car to it’s semi-semi-final destination.

At that point, it had been probably been a good hour since we had broken down, and I had replenished the radiator, so…yup. I could actually start it up!

It didn’t sound completely okay, but we were able to drive the few hundred yards into Kansas (!!!) and then the half mile or so on to the fairgrounds. Being the eternal optimist that I am, I was hoping that maybe the engine just needed to “rest” for the day, and then that evening we would be able to drive the last 33 miles to the car’s final destination, Hugoton, KS (see Figure 1).

We ended up enjoying our day at the fair as best as one could, trying to ignore that nagging feeling in the back of our minds that we done screwed up real good this time.

Now, I had originally wanted to stick around for the rodeo that night, but at about 6 pm we decided that we should probably get going, just in the very unlikely, off-chance, remote possibility that the car might, just might not make the last leg of the trip on its own.

And confident as a cowpatty,¹It’s a play on “sure as shit” in case you were wondering. we made it a whole 2 miles out of town (see Figure 2) before it was clear the car was on the verge of giving up the ghost.

Ah, but fear not! Recall that, being the certified genius that I am, I had upgraded our AAA membership to the fancy Gold status, entitling us to up to 75 miles of towing.

And guess what is less than 75? Thirty-one. The remaining 31 miles was most definitely less than 75, so…it was officially time to hail a glorified taxi for our vehicular.

Dialing up Kansas AAA, I pulled us slightly off the road and a little bit into a scenic cow pasture. At a certain point, you just have to embrace your shitty situation whole-heartedly, and we were bound determined to enjoy the relaxing prairie view while we awaited our ride.

It was actually kind of nice to be able to share that unexpected peaceful moment, not having other places to be, not having other things to do. The sun was setting, the August day was finally cooling down…and our sanity really needed the opportunity to sit and laugh at the ridiculous pickle in which we had found ourselves.

Of course, the day couldn’t end without at least a few more light shenanigans, though…

First, AAA wanted to send us a tow truck from Amarillo…Texas. Yup, since it was after-hours, that was the closest on-duty guy they could get ahold of…almost 2 1/2 hours away. After a bit of pleading on my part, they tried calling their guy in Elkhart again, and–praise be to the wide open Kansan heavens–he answered this time! Even then, though, the AAA operator had to coax him out of his house and into his truck, but in the end he agreed to come haul us off to Hugoton.

And then there was the issue of him locating us. He somehow managed to not find us alongside the highway, because you know, there’s no better hiding place than the ----- wide-open high-plains of Kansas. The tow truck passed 3 times before finally calling us up, and we had to explain to him yes, that domelight he spotted 30 feet out in the pasture was indeed his damsels in distress.

So FINALLY, at almost 10 pm, he and his teenage assistant got our immobilized car securely loaded up and on the road. And for everyone’s troubles, we were all richly rewarded with…the World’s Most Awkward Uber Ride, with all 4 of our sweaty bodies jammed in the cab of the truck, replete with 30 minutes of mentally exhausting small talk. It was unavoidable, though, because the only thing more awkward would have been to insist on staying in the car. But apparently AAA’s lawyers frown upon that…

At long last, at 10:30, we rolled up to–let’s call her ‘Daisy’–to Daisy’s doorstep. I’m sure that was a pleasant surprise for her…

“Tah-dah! Here are the keys to your NEW CAR!”

“Gee…thanks?”

Tow truck driver: “So, lady, where do you want me to put ‘er down?”

I felt like I needed to interject some context before she answered. “Um, you might want to choose wisely, because it might be in that spot for a little while.”

“Okaaaaay. Maybe take it to my friend’s place out in the country. He might be able to fix it. Better than pissing off my neighbors by leaving it planted in front of their house for the next 6 months.”

Tow truck guy: “Cool, cool. How far out in the country is his place?”²HOLY CRAP. I had forgotten about this last little plot twist.

Daisy thought for a second. “Let’s see…about 3 miles.”

*Tow truck guy pulls out his phone and studies his Google Maps app intently.*

“Just one tiny issue…I don’t think that’ll be covered. It’s about a 70-mile round trip from my shop to here and back, and then if you tack on another 3 miles each way…that puts me at 76 miles and AAA will only reimburse me if it’s under 75.”

*Crickets*

Technically, he was right (see Figure 3).

And technically, he was about to get a boot so far up his ass he would have shoelaces coming out his nose. Or at least that’s probably what he thought.

The way I was laughing at the thought of the Universe getting in one last Cosmic punch to the gonads was clearly making him real nervous. The wild look in my eyes probably didn’t help much either.

“…or maybe I can find a way to make it just under 75…heh, heh…GULP…right?”

“Whatever, man. Just please put us all out of our ----- misery already.”

Now, allow me, for those of you who have endured all 3 parts of this epic-ish journey, to put us out of our collective ----- misery already.

You see, it’s an allegory. Now, by definition, it’s supposed to be up to the Dear Reader to interpret the allegory to reveal the hidden meaning within.³https://lmgtfy.com/?q=allegory But haven’t you suffered enough already? I’ll do you a solid and just spell it out for ya.

Me and the Boss Lady? Baby Boomers.

Daisy, the beloved family member? The Boomers’ kids, Generation What-Have-Ya.

That gently-used-but-trusty car? America. Planet Earth. Hell, let’s just say both.

Sure, you wanted to leave something behind nice for your kids after you were long gone to “Hawai’i.” But you didn’t take seriously the warning signs that the engine was getting too hot. And then when things started to really break down, you got impatient and opted for the quick-fix instead of real solutions.

That’s okay, though. That “fix” was good enough to get you to your beloved fair and get the problems out of sight, out of mind, even if just for a little while.

Hope you enjoyed your time at the fair!

And at the end of the day, you show up at your kid’s door with an irreparably damaged Gift of a Lifetime on the back of a proverbial tow truck.

*Tosses keys to new owner*

“Welp! She’s all yours…you’re welcome!”

And, lastly, there’s the tow truck guy, aka The Year 2020 A.D.,⁴More like “in the Year of Our OVERLord” because silicon, alien, or regular ol’ fleshbag dictator, I know we’re all secretly thinking we’ll be subjugated in some form or another come December 31st… there to deliver the final blow to our sanity.

Please, just put us out of our ----- misery already…

Content created on: 21 August 2020 (Friday)

“I’m sorry sir, but I can’t find your location anywhere on my map.”

At that point I was all but certain that I was stuck in the Twilight Zone. Probably the episode entitled “The Middle of Nowhere ” at that…

Last week, I left you with a real cliffhanger at the end of The Little Engine That Could Not GIve A ----- , and out of respect for those who have not read that just yet, ima pause right here while you go read it and get up to speed. That’s okay–the rest of us don’t mind waiting.

Okay! And…we’re back.

To refresh everyone’s memories, when we last left off, the Boss Lady and I were transporting her car halfway across the country on a 1500+ mile road trip in order to gift it to a family member before we moved to Hawai’i (see Figure 1).

We were confident that Kansas would be the place where our beloved ’98 Honda Civic was destined to live out the rest of its years, in faithful service to a hand-selected loved one. But as you know, within a mile of our semi-final destination (a day at the Morton County Fair) and with the Kansas state line a stone’s throw away (see Figure 2), our car decided to give us the middle finger and die alongside the road after overheating.

So there we sat, hoping that our breakdown would be but a temporary setback and that we would not miss out on too much of our special day at the Fair. Eventually a passerby stopped and lent us some jugs of water, which I promptly turned around and used to quicken the engine-cooling process.

“Keeeeer-RACK!” said The Little Engine.

“Oh, EXPLETIVE,” I gently gasped under my breath.

I feared that, in addition to not listening to the Boss Lady the day before when she expressed concern about the water level in the radiator, I had made Unforced Error #2: introducing water into the engine’s system before it was cool¹Obligatory hipster reference goes here. enough, and had perhaps cracked a head. I gotta admit there was a lot of regret and self-hate encapsulated in that moment.

But all was not lost just yet.

One thing I had left out in my recounting of The Little Engine was that, in anticipation of our early August trip across half of the North American continent, I had shrewdly decided to upgrade our AAA membership.

It seemed like it would be worth the extra $80 or so once I realized that the Basic Membership only covered towing for a meager 3 miles–because 3 miles ain’t jack shit when you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere! However, with the Gold Membership came the peace of mind that we would at least be towed to a repair station if anything happened, assuming that we weren’t more than 75 miles from civilization at that point.

And in this moment it was feeling just a bit ironic that, after investing that $80, we ended up needing it when we were well within 3 miles of several Elkhart-based auto shops.

But since we had that fancy Gold Membership, I figured we might as well use it, right? Nothing that a quick call to the toll-free number on the back of my beautiful golden-colored AAA card couldn’t fix, right…right?

“Good morning! Thank you for calling Triple-A Roadside Assistance! Could I have your location please?”

“Uh, hi. Yes, I was needing a tow truck…I’m just outside Elkhart, Kansas.”

“Ok, sir, this is North Carolina AAA. I’ll need to transfer you to Kansas AAA. Please hold for one moment, mmmkay?”

“Sure. I ain’t going anywhere.”

“Good morning! Thank you for calling Kansas Triple-A Roadside Assistance! Can I have your location please?”

“Hi there. Yes I’m just on the outskirts of Elkhart.”

“Excellent, yes, I can help you with that! Could you be more specific?”

[Runs back to double check the small state highway we had just turned off of.]

*Lightly panting* “We’re right at the intersection of Highways 56 and, uh…looks like 95?”

*Tapping on a keyboard, followed by a good 2 minutes of silence.*

“I’m sorry sir, but I can’t find that anywhere on my map.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry about that. That’s Oklahoma Highway 95.”

*More silence.*

“Sir, I see that you are actually in Oklahoma then. I’ll need to transfer you to Oklahoma AAA.”

“Really? But I’m essentially in Kansas. I’m staring at the “Welcome to Elkhart” sign right now. In fact, if you’ll just hold for 15 seconds while I cross the highway, and…there! I’m physically touching the sign. How about now?”

“I’m sorry, sir–“

“Seriously? You can’t send a tow truck from Elkhart? They would be here in like 3 minutes.”

“I won’t be able to help you at all as long as the car is located in Oklahoma, and it sounds like it is. Do you mind holding while I transfer you?”

“Do I have a choice at this point? Sure, why not? Transfer me yet again.”

At that point I hoped they could hear me rolling my eyes over the phone, cuz I was rolling them hard.

“Good morning! Thank you for calling Oklahoma Triple-A Roadside Assistance! Can I have your location please?”

“Okay, so I know I’m technically in Oklahoma, but I’m just a few feet from Elkhart, Kansas, and I was wondering if you could send out a tow truck from there.”

“Sure! I can help you with that! I need to know where in Oklahoma you are though, sir.”

“Good lord, man! How hard can this be?!? Isn’t like, ‘making maps’ half of what y’all do? “

*Hard sigh*

I’m not really sure how I was expecting them to respond to my clearly growing frustration. Nevertheless I paused for a second to collect myself before continuing.

“Ok, whatever dude…I’m at the intersection of Highways 56 and 95…just right outside Elkhart, KS.”

*Tapping on a keyboard, followed by a good 2 minutes of silence.*

“Ok! Good news, sir: I have found your location on my map, and it looks like we got a truck in Keyes that can be in there in about 45 minutes.”

“Now why on God’s green earth would you send me a truck all the ----- way from Keyes? I ----- near literally have one foot in Kansas. Just send me a truck from Elkhart already!”

For context, here’s a little geographical graphical reminder borrowed from The Little Engine (Figure 3):

“Oh, hold on one second…”

“This better be good news…”

“Yes, I see. My system was just refreshed and it looks like it might be an hour before the truck gets there now.”

“I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!”

“I’m sorry you feel that way, sir. Do you want me to send the truck or not?”

“This is insane. You know what? NO. You know why? Because you people have not one ----- ounce of common sense amongst the lot of you.”

“Uh…so that’s a ‘no’ then?”

“Look, because of your collective dumbassery, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m just gonna have to go all Grand Master Flash²Ahh, so that’s what the title is all about: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLs2hv6f3Kw up in here and PUSH THE ----- THING ACROSS THE STATE LINE MYSELF. You happy now? Then it will be Kansas AAA’s problem then! Sorry to inconvenience you so.”

“Umm…”

*click*

And for the official record, it was me who hung up on those Triple-A-Holes.

Oh, no friends, this journey ain’t over yet. I mean, we still haven’t even made it to Kansas yet, now have we?

Please, won’t you join us next week, when I’m pretty sure I can delivery on the double promise of resolution and a moral of the story.

I think I can…I think I can…I think I can…wrap it up and finally get to the proverbial point of the story.

*Long silence*

It’s, uh…it’s a reference to the classic book from our childhoods, The Little Engine That Could.³In case you didn’t catch onto the fact that is where the title of the last post came from. You know, The Little Engine That Could…Not Give A ----- You get it now, right? Perfect. Humor conveyed; mission accomplished. Please laugh.⁴Be sure to watch with the captions on: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdCYMvaUcrA

Content created on: 14 August 2020 (Friday)