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Tag: Longreads of 2021

The Godfather Of The High Plains

< 1 Min Read

It’s kinda like a ‘Rags to Riches’ story.

Except by the end, I barely got to keep my polyester britches…


Ironically, this story, which took place during my freshman year of college, probably could have been shortened to “One time, I saw a lot of money.”

But where’s the fun in that? Why say it in 8 words when ~3600 will get the job done just as well?


You Can’t Spell ‘Prison’ Without ‘Son’, Now Can You, Dad?
You Can’t Spell ‘Prison’ Without ‘Son’, Now Can You, Dad?

4 Min Read

It’s like they always say: You really put the “son” in “prison”…

This Is My Reward For Handling Your Dirty Money, Old Man?!?
This Is My Reward For Handling Your Dirty Money, Old Man?!?

4 Min Read

Me: “OMG, we’re rich now!”

Dad: “What’s this ‘we’ stuff, Kemosabe…?”

Great News, You Get To Be The Family Fall Guy!
Great News, You Get To Be The Family Fall Guy!

4 Min Read

Well, this is a crap deal. You get the loot while I get looted…

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Content created on: During the colder parts of 1999-2000.

The Crazy-Ass Summer Of ’99

< 1 Min Read

The Year: 1999, Summer Time. Location: Our Family Farm.

Excitement Level? “Never A Dull Moment”…


The summer in between high school and college, I had the pleasure of working on ye olde farm with me olde man–and, fortunately, a more competent friend & classmate, “The Bard”.

Now, while I could wax long and poetic about those glory days back in SW Kansas, I think I’ll do you a solid and wane short and prosaic1For the record, I had to Google “antonym poetic” to come up with that one. instead. Let me just put it this way: Me. On a farm. Of course, I’m gonna have a story or two to tell…


Unborn On The 4th Of July
Unborn On The 4th Of July

5 Min Read

What could possibly be more interesting than life on the farm?

Death on the farm. Definitely “death on the farm”…

An Unsurpassed Tractor Tale That Will Never Get Tired
An Unsurpassed Tractor Tale That Will Never Get Tired

6 Min Read

Attention, all you agriculturally ignorant city-slickers out there!

This one’s for you…

Insider Tips For Fighting Fires Down On The Farm
Insider Tips For Fighting Fires Down On The Farm

6 Min Read

The field, the field, the field is on fire. We don’t need no water, let the mother ----- burn.

Burn mother fucker, burn…

…And Then Suddenly We Were World Famous Fire-Starters
…And Then Suddenly We Were World Famous Fire-Starters

5 Min Read

We need your tractor. NOW, MOTHER****ER!”

I got to admit, this was not how I imagined my first tractor-jacking would go…

Three Farm-Tested Words Of Wisdom For Living A Happy Life
Three Farm-Tested Words Of Wisdom For Living A Happy Life

5 Min Read

Ignore those who will try to tell you “Happy wife, happy life!”

No, true happiness can be found in 3 very different words…

Hurry Up, There’s About To Be Some Old Man Murder Up In Here!
Hurry Up, There’s About To Be Some Old Man Murder Up In Here!

6 Min Read

You’re dad is cut and bleeding, son, what do you do? Hop in the farm truck and throw it in Gear 2…

But Dad! I’ll Never Get Sick And Tired Of Being Unique!
But Dad! I’ll Never Get Sick And Tired Of Being Unique!

7 Min Read

You ever wonder why you fought with your dad so much when you were a teen?

Oh, if only we could ever get to the root of it…

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Content created on: During the hottest parts of 1999.

Footnotes & References:[+]

Eden Cove 9: 5 Weeks in Purgatory

< 1 Min Read

The Year 2021: The Year of the Endless Home Renovation.

Pfft! More like “The Year We Almost Ended Up Homeless”…


Indeed, the Year 2021 turned out to be the Year of the Endless Home Renovation. What started as simple puddle of water under our kitchen sink ended up making our 2021 almost as bad as 2020. Yeah. That bad.

While remodeling in and of itself was no walk in the park, it was taking refuge from all the remodeling that ended being the more “interesting” part of the whole ----- fiasco. Five weeks at the beach in the spring? Sounds pretty sweet, right? Well, in theory, yes. In practice…well it wasn’t Heaven and it wasn’t quite Hell.

Read on, and discover why I can only describe the those fateful 5 weeks in Eden Cove 9 as “Purgatory”…

PS: If you feel like you need to know more about the events leading up to and surrounding the following tales, you can find even more reading here and here.


Better Beach Rentals: Blurring The Line Between Luxury And Purgatory
Better Beach Rentals: Blurring The Line Between Luxury And Purgatory

4 Min Read

To say that it was “A Vacation From Hell” might be a bit of an exaggeration.

Just barely, though…

I Really Wish This Elevator Story Was More Uplifting
I Really Wish This Elevator Story Was More Uplifting

5 Min Read

Now, if you’ll turn in the Good Book to Proverbs 20:17:

“Stolen bread tastes sweet, but it turns to gravel in the mouth…”

You Fool! You Think Murder Will Stop This Beeping Heart?
You Fool! You Think Murder Will Stop This Beeping Heart?

4 Min Read

Being audibly abused is never thrilling.

It just might make a nice guy resort to killing…

I’m Warning You: The Plumbing Around Here Is Pure Evil
I’m Warning You: The Plumbing Around Here Is Pure Evil

6 Min Read

I never thought I would be compelled to publicly complain about plumbing.

Yet, here we are…

Luxury And Lies: The Truth About That Better Beach House
Luxury And Lies: The Truth About That Better Beach House

6 Min Read

They claimed they spared no expenses when they built this place.

If only they had spared me their bullshit…

It’s A Trap: The Unexpected Challenge Of Escaping A Bathroom
It’s A Trap: The Unexpected Challenge Of Escaping A Bathroom

3 Min Read

I may not be the best at remembering song lyrics.

But I’m pretty sure it’s “When the lights go down in the shitty…”

In The Spotlight Now: Payback Is (Almost) Hell
In The Spotlight Now: Payback Is (Almost) Hell

4 Min Read

Like the pirate with a steering wheel in his pants once said:

“Argh! It drives me nuts…”

I’ll Shut Up About Better Beach Rentals When Hell Freezes Over
I’ll Shut Up About Better Beach Rentals When Hell Freezes Over

8 Min Read

Hyperbolically speaking, my ranting and raving about Eden Cove 9 will never end.

Or will it…?

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Shadow

Content created on: Pretty much all of 2021.

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