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Tag: 2023 Essential Reading (Page 2 of 2)

Ah, Kansas! The Truth About You Finally Comes Out

4 Min Read

Just when I thought my MotherLand couldn’t bring me any more shame…

It goes and completely redeems itself! (Uh, that’s from Dumb & Dumber…)


Since last week was Easter, I had the grand idea of celebrating it with a few ‘Easter Eggs’ related to my little Easter story–you know, the one read and thoroughly chuckled over last week…the one that can be found right here in case you need to refresh your memory *ahem*. Trust me, it will be worth it to know what that was all about before proceeding.

Anyways, I’ll confess that maybe ‘Easter Eggs’ isn’t the exact term I should be using, so I’ll just call this ‘Bonus Content’ and ‘Behind The Scenes’. Whatever we call it, I feel it’s definitely worth including–and best of all, it’ll only take two more minutes to enjoy the following juicy tidbits…


The next day after we had recovered from our daughter’s semi-traumatic introduction to the Sunflower State, we decided to go play in the park. Maybe fly a kite, y’know, seeing as how it’s windy af around here in the Spring and what-not.

Well, the poor kid, gets out of the car and this is how my homeland greets her? By blasting her in the face?!?

All I have to say is, “Welcome to Kansas, Kid. Welcome to Kansas…”1Okay, so technically this a recycled joke, seeing as how I posted the same photo and comment on FaceBook a day or 2 after this happened. But it bears repeating.


Okay, so I spent waaaaay too much time on researching that particular episode, ensuring that the story was 95%+ historically and geographically accurate. But when I attempted to plug in my Wichita Airport-to-Dodge City route into Google Maps, and added a stop in between by simply searching for ‘coffee’ (in hopes of recreating the results I got back in 2014), I instead got this:

Needless to say, when I was actually in Kansas, Google Maps had enough sense to not suggest I take a 39 hour detour back to North Carolina just for some warm milk.

*moments earlier*

Oh, and fun fact: Google is usually pretty good at interpreting 3-letter strings as airports codes. For example, the code for the airport in Wichita is ICT. Work your contextual magic Google Maps, work that magic…

…or–and I’m just whiteboarding and brainstorming here, Google Maps–you could totally think I meant ‘Islamic Center of the Triad’ instead…


“Hmmm…when I Google Search ‘Kwik Shop’ to see if it could be the sh*tty gas station on the south side of the highway I clearly remember buying and heating the milk at, I get…this?!?”

(This:)

“Maybe I’m mistaken, and it wasn’t Kwik Shop,” I said as I diligently continued my research, not wanting to accidentally besmirch the good name of a chain of quality convenience stores.

“Perhaps it’s just the one in Pratt…hmmm, I wonder if Yelp has any insight…”

*searches ‘Yelp Pratt Kwik Shop’…*

“Ah, a local review from someone just passin’ thru! Let’s see what we have here…”

*spits out drink*

You gotta be effing kiddin’ me–this is too perfect. As M. Night Shyamalan would say, “What a twist!”

First, yes, this is indubitably the same store I patronized. And second…I’ve been vindicated! It wasn’t my poor milk-microwaving skills that got my Baby sick–it was ----- Kwik Shop! And now I can bring the proverbial receipts!

Me right now:

Oh boy, I can’t wait to show this evidence to My Beautiful Bride. I’m sure she’ll totally stop blaming for the whole fiasco now…


“Wait, what’s this? A second review for Pratt Kwik Shop on Yelp? But this time it’s be a local chap, a true native Kansan. Well, I can’t help wonder if it, too, is about spoiled milk…”

Wow. That was definitely not about spoiled milk. Welp, the only thing I can say is, “Welcome to Kansas…”


Lastly, I’d like to leave you with a little bonus Bonus material: the “Ah…Kansas!” reference in the title. It’s from a commercial from my childhood, circa 1988, that was made by the Kansas Travel & Tourism, encouraging people from the boring parts of Kansas to come and visit other, equally boring parts of Kansas. Seriously, I’m not sure if this was ever ran on a TV station outside of the state. But if it did, I’m totally sure that anybody who saw it dropped what they were doing and immediately flocked to out great state *rolls eyes as hard as possible without engaging in hyperbole*.

And I believe that you, too, will flock to 1980’s Kansas once you click play below and behold for yourself this cinematic masterpiece.

I’m so embarrassed right now…


Content created on: 7/8/13 April 2023 (Fri/Sat/Thurs)

Footnotes & References:[+]

Now THIS Is An Authentic Easter In Kansas, Baby!

6 Min Read

You hope to give your baby daughter an Easter surprise, but…

(Spoiler alert) Jesus isn’t the only white thing that’s about to arise…


“Baby needs some warm milk! Can we stop at the nearest Starbuck’s?”

I gave My Beautiful Bride a long sideways glance, shaking my dang head.

“I don’t know if I can I make that happen. You do realize where we are, right? We aren’t in the Atlanta Airport any more, Toto.”

“Just find the nearest StarBuck’s okay?”

Oh, she was so naive, it was almost precious.

Almost.

But you know what was full-blown precious? Our first-born daughter, barely a year old, enjoying her first trip back to Kansas to celebrate Easter with her grandmas. We had flown into Wichita and rented a car to get us to our first destination, my mom’s place in historic Dodge City. So, if you, Dear Reader, want to realize where we were, here’s a Google map of our route. You have joined us about 30-40% of the way to our destination (approximately near Cunningham):

I, being a native son of Kansas, pretty much knew how this was going to play out, but I went through the motions anyways.

“Okay, I’m typing in ‘StarBuck’s into Google Maps…”

“Quickly! She’s getting cranky!”

When the results popped up for ‘StarBuck’s along our route,’ it turns out it was even worse than I had expected.

“Um…yeah, I don’t think we’re doing StarBuck’s today. The nearest one is in Great Bend.”

“Why not???” she inquired a bit forcefully.

“Because this!”

I showed her the map on my phone:

“I’m not taking a ----- detour to Great Bend!”

Okay, time for some fun facts.

  • Travel time from our current location near Cunningham to Dodge City: 1 hour, 34 minutes.
  • Travel time with a ‘slight detour’ to the nearest Starbuck’s: 2 hours, 38 minutes.
  • That ‘Slight detour’? 1 hour, 4 minutes.
  • Travel time completely backtracking to the nearest Starbuck’s in Wichita, then on to Dodge: 3 hours, 28 minutes–the most ridiculous option, yet only 50 minutes longer than our ‘best’ option.
  • Time just to get to any StarBuck’s (in Great Bend): 1 hour, 11 minutes.
  • Ergo:

“So, as you can see, my dear wife, we could be arriving at our destination at approximately the same time we would be rolling up to StarBuck’s, all for only the low, low price of 23 minutes. We ain’t going to StarBuck’s. It’s not like I can magically conjure one up here in the middle of nowhere, so don’t be hatin’.”

“FINE THEN. Just find the nearest coffee shop–doesn’t have to be a Starbuck’s. Most of ’em will gladly sell you steamed milk.”

“Again, I repeat: you do realize where we are, no?”

“JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN. BABY IS HUNGRY.”

“Sheesh! Alrighty then. Since we’re by now rolling through the Kansas metropolis of Pratt, I’ll search Google Maps for ‘Coffee in Pratt, KS’…”

“Hurry, hurry…”

“Ok, let’s see…Scooter’s Coffee? Uh, they’re not exactly open right now.”

“You mean they’re not open at 6:30 pm on a Friday evening?”

“No, I mean that they’re not going to be open for almost another 7 years!”1This story takes place in April 2014. Scooter’s Coffee didn’t open in Pratt until 2021. Source: https://www.scooterscoffee.com/blog/post/scooters-coffee-opens-first-location-in-pratt-kansas

“So what about the next coffee shop on the list?”

“Well, there’s N’Cahoots Coffee and Shoppe…”

“And…?”

“…and they closed 4 hours ago at 2:30 pm.”

“Dangit. Next?”

“Well besides McDonalds–and you know darn well they ain’t got milk-steaming capabilities–there’s Donut Palace…and looks like they closed even earlier, at 1 pm.”

“BABY NEEDS WARM MILK NOW!”

“Okay, if you insist. But you’re not going to like your only realistic option–“

“I don’t care! Baby’s hungry!”

“–gas station milk!” I said as I whipped a left turn across Highway 54 into the Kwik Shop parking lot–not my first choice, but it was the last gas station for then next 30 minutes.

“Wait, what?”

“They got milk. They most likely got a microwave. That’s all you really need to make warm milk!” I laid out my air-tight logic as I Tokyo-drifted into an open parking spot.

“I’m not so sure about th–“

“Welcome to Kansas, Babe!” I yelled over my shoulder as sprinted into the store…


“You’ve gotta be crappin’ me! How old is this thing?”

I stood there in front of the Kwik Shop microwave, holding my freshly purchased pint-in-a-plastic-bottle of whole milk. And I could not believe what I was looking at, then, in 2014 in the Year Of Some Of Our’s Lord.

It was the same type of gas station microwave I remember from when I was a toddler…in 1984. Raise your hand if you remember using one of these guys:

Well, not exactly this guy. I’m talkin’ about the ones that only had the letters. If you recall, these microwaves were apparently only supposed to be used with the various pre-made sandwiches, wraps, and sub-par burgers that the gas station sold, which came with a letter on the packaging indicating ‘how long’ to microwave it. I really really wanted to show an actual picture of one of these, but they’re so old that apparently Google Images/the collective hive-mind of the Interwebs doesn’t know what I’m talking about.

Anyways, you get the idea. It was an old-ass microwave, with a totally useless timing mechanism when it came to heating milk.

But what did this Noble and Beloved Father do? He did his dang best and heated that milk for…ummm…’F’ seconds? Yeah, I think F seconds was about right…warm, but not scalding.

I mused to myself: “Baby’s going to love this F-in’ milk…”


“Hey, Babe, is there a place you could pull over? Baby seems fussier than usual.”

About 40 minutes down the road near Mullinville and 1 mostly empty bottle of F-in’ Gas Station Milk later, and My Beautiful Bride was already requesting a potentially unnecessary pit stop.

“Are you sure, we need to pull over? There’s nothing but empty fields around here as far as the eye can see. Plus we’ve only got about half an hour before we get to Grandma’s. Who’s excited to see Grandma?” I baby-spoke to the baby in the back seat via the rear-view mirror.

“You are! Yes you are! You’re excited to see Grand–“

“Bwwwwaaaarf!”

I about ran off the road as I watched in horror in the mirror a massive load of curdled white projectile vomit launch out of my daughter’s mouth upward with approximately an 85-degree trajectory, thanks to her reclined position in her car seat…

…only to watch, in even slower motion, that mass of vomit succumb to the laws of physics, in which it reached its apex about 3 inches above her reclined face, achieved a velocity of 0 cm/s (as any projectile with a strictly vertical trajectory is wont to do), and then promptly reverse course and splatter all over her face with the same muzzle velocity it experienced upon it’s initial exit from her mouth.

“Ahhhhhh! Pull over! Pull over!” My Beautiful Bride rightfully requested.

“I’m on this!” I said as I took a hard right off the highway onto the next random dirt road.

“I totally got this!” I continued with the positive self-affirmations as I Tokyo-drifted over the railroad tracks and on to the other side until I came to a stop facing the opposite direction.2Okay, so I’m embellishing. I gently pulled over as much as the dirt road would allow me, without changing direction.

I hopped out and helped My Beautiful Bride clean the milk spatter off of her (on account of her being in the back seat with Baby at the time), and of course helped clean up Baby. But lemme tell you, she was inconsolable.

I mean, she was asking if we could get a hotel in the nearest town and then finish the drive in the morning–oh, what’s that?

The Baby? Oh, she was perfectly fine, now that the F-in’ Gas Station Milk was out of her system.

The Wife, though? Did you hear her request? Yeah, the one for a hotel room. Well, I did my best to politely explain the reality of the situation to her.

“That makes no F-in’ Gas-Station-Milk sense! The ‘next town with a hotel’? That is Dodge City! Our destination! I’m not going to book a hotel 2 blocks from our destination, and then drive those 2 blocks the next morning. Sheesh.”

“But…but…”

“But Baby is fine (enough) for now. First StarBuck’s and now hotels, thinking they’re magically sprinkled over this diety-forsaken desolate state of mine. No Dear, that’s not how Kansas works…”


The point of the story is that, frankly, there’s no better way to spend your Easter Sunday than reading about the resurrection…of a child’s poorly prepared bottle of milk. ‘It hath risen!’ Amiright?

Of course there’s other morals of the story, too. For example, maybe it’s not the best idea to resurrect memories of that one time I lightly condescended to my East Coast wife. J.K. Kidding–it’s highly unlikely she’s going to read this.

But the most truest of true lessons to be learned here is: don’t trust the F-in’ Gas Station Milk. Give your kid apple juice or ice cream or something–anything but the FGSM…


Content created on: 7/8 April 2023 (Fri/Sat)

Footnotes & References:[+]

The Bulldog Wanted Baloney. You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next…

6 Min Read

Look, don’t judge me for honoring a homeless guy’s request.

Oh, but you’ll never guess which of his weird-ass requests I’m talking about…


“But don’t worry–I never cook my baloney sandwiches in the tent, I only run my little camping stove outside the tent. And I make sure it’s completely off and cooled before I bring it back in. I’m all about ‘safety first’–don’t want no fumes messing up my brain cells, ya know?”

“Yup, yup, safety first. Good thinking…”

I stood there, still pumping gas, wondering if it was the gasoline fumes was messing with my head. One moment, I’m thinking about how I’m actually going to be home at the exact time I promised My Beautiful Bride I would be, after a sedatively long afternoon of shopping for the finest vinyl flooring with ‘Gladys’, and the next? The next moment, I’m having a semi-surreal–and frankly, quite sad–conversation with some random guy about the proper way to cook processed meats in the wild.

Well, let me back up the story a hair, and maybe things will make slightly more sense.

You see, it all started when I decided I would save a buck or two on a full tank of gas…


“Hey there! How’s it going? You live around here?”

On my way back from my aforementioned flooring expedition, I had a choice between two routes to get home. Noting that the slightly longer journey happened to take me through downtown of the hamlet in which I reside, I thought to myself, ‘A-ha! Ima be going by that one mini-mart with oddly low gasoline prices, I might just stop in and fill ‘er up!”

And right about the time I had done gone and filled ‘er up, seemingly out of nowhere, this older Black gentleman appeared and made a beeline right towards me.

Seeing as how I was the only person at the gas station, I was pretty much a sitting duck.

“Oh, jeez, here we go…” I thought to myself, as it became pretty clear pretty quick where this conversation was headed as soon as the guy started conversing with me while he was still halfway across the parking lot.

“Hey there, I was just passing through on my way to the grocery store, hoping to get a jumbo pack of baloney and a loaf of bread, you know…just trying to maybe put together some meals for the next few days…”

I had started carrying a handful of twenties in my wallet for just such occasions, and I knew it would feel good to help hook a brother up with his baloney.

“Sure! I’d love to hel–“

But before I could get my hand halfway in my pocket, my dude just kept on with his stream-of-consciousness ramblings.

“…yup, I got myself a nice little tent up the road behind Lowe’s–“

“You mean Lowe’s the hardware store?” It was my turn to interject.

“Nah, nah, Lowe’s the grocery store,1In my neck of the woods, this is indeed a problem, in which “I’m headed to Lowe’s” is an ambiguous statement because there are two completely different typed of stores with the same ----- name. but as I was saying, I don’t want you thinking I’m doing anything dangerous with all that baloney…”

My mind wandered a bit as he dove headfirst into his schpiel from earlier about fume safety and not cooking in his tent and what-not…what had me slightly puzzled was the fact that it would have made more sense if he had been talking about the hardware store instead of the grocery store. I mean, this guy was clearly on foot, and the hardware store was only about 2 miles up the road, while the grocery store was eleven miles up the road.2It just occurred to me that perhaps he was talking about the Lowe’s grocery store that they are just now building, which is only 1/4 down the road from the Lowe’s hardware store… Why the heck would he be wandering so far from home?!?3Okay, maybe ‘home’ was a poor choice of words, given his circumstances.

Next thing I remember, I was mumbling in agreement about the whole ‘safety first’ thing.

“Dangit!” I thought to myself, “For once I was actually going to be home on time, but noooo, I just had to get accosted by homeless James Joyce here.”

Before he could get much further along in his run-on sentence (but after somehow triangulating where I lived within a quarter-mile radius, on account of my proximity to Lowe’s the hardware store), I finally found enough social willpower to get him to stop chattering for two frickin’ seconds.

“Well, I think I can help you out with all your baloney needs, my man,” I said I as whipped out my stack of Jacksons, but was immediately embarrassed by the fact that I had just rifled through 5 of them (while hiding the $100 bill still in my wallet)4#HumbleBrag? only to pull out 1 measly $20 bill for him.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I really need to get home to my–“


“God bless you, son! G0d bless you, indeed! Say, what’s your name?”

Welp, it looked like that throwing money at the situation had failed to get me out of the conversation, seeing as how my conversational partner was still bravely soldiering on in our dialogue. But hey, the least we could do would be to give each other the dignity of being called by their name, right?

“Who me? Sure. My name is B.J…”

…and it was at this point that the conversation took a turn for the…er, not even sure how to describe it, but it took a turn, that’s for sure.

“Guess what my name is!”

Gotta admit, I didn’t see that response coming. Was there something about him that would give me a clue as to his name?

“Umm…let’s go with ‘Terrance’!” I mean, the dude did just ask me to guess his name. And that just happened to be the first name that telepathically appeared to my mind’s eye.

“What? Huh? No, man, it’s A.P.!”

Get a load of this ----- guy. He just asked me to guess his name, and then he acts all shocked when I get it completely wrong? Seriously?

And on top of that, his name was A.P.?!? Not in a trillion alternate universes would have I–or anyone else, for that matter–even come remotely close to guessing ‘A.P.’

But he didn’t let any of that deter him from the conversation at hand.

“Yeah, it’s A.P., but people call me ‘Bulldog’. I’m always around here downtown, and all the people know me and when they see me on the street, they give me a fist-pump and say ‘What’s up, Bulldog?!?’ “

“Oh, yeah. That’s a cool nickname…”

“…and since you live around here, next time you see me on the street, just pump your fist and say ‘What’s up, Bulldog?!?’ And I’ll say, ‘What’s up, A.J.?!?’ “

This ----- guy…

“Uh, it’s ‘B.J.’, actually…”

“Huh? Oh, right, then I would say, ‘What’s up, B.J.?!?’ “

“Cool, cool. Welp, see you later! Enjoy your baloney…”


“Wait?!? You mean you actually guessed his name? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Hey, don’t you judge me! I bet you would do the same if some rando blindsided you with the same question after you had just freely shared your name.”

I had unexpectedly found myself defending my actions and words when attempting to regale My Beautiful Bride with the Tale of Why I Was Ten Minutes Late.

“And the best part is that you went full racist with your guess–‘Terrance’?!? Oh, lord, I’m crying! He was Black, wasn’t he?”

*sigh*

“Yes, Dear, he was Black. But I vehemently disagree that ‘Terrance’ was a racist response. Did I go with something like Ty’Queaf? No. No, I did not. Ergo, I’m not (as) racist.”

“Aaahh! I can’t breathe!”5Okay, this wasn’t meant to be a reference to Eric Garner…but here we are, retrospectively acknowledging how ----- up of joke that would be.

And yes, she was literally crying and out of breath from laughing so hard. Apparently she found it exponentially funnier than I had. Sure, I was bemused and perplexed by Terrance’s antics, but tears and shortness of breath? Maybe I was just too close to the situation?

*Ahem* Anyways…I can’t help but wonder if that’s why the gas is so suspiciously cheap there–it’s a ----- honeypot!6Maybe this word doesn’t mean what I think it means I wonder how often a hapless sap like me pulls up for some low-priced petrol, and then BOOM–they’re caught up in the seriously sad story of a dangerously under-balonied Terrance, and then next thing they know, they’re handing over large denominations of U.S. currency just to get out of the conversation…I bet the gas station gets a healthy kick-back from all his collections.”

“Interesting theorem. A tad racist, but interesting nonetheless…”

“Damn. Now that I think about it, that was the most expensive tank of gas I’ve probably ever purchased in my life…”


The point of the story is…well, this is kinda evil, but I just can’t help but recommend you try out Terrance’s–er, dammit, I mean A.P./Bulldog’s–socially screwed-up strategy. Give it a whirl–next time you meet someone new, and when the moment arrives in which you would normally exchange names, go ahead and ask them their name. And when they politely oblige, quickly demand that they “Guess what [your] name is!”

And whatever you do, do not relent until they actually try guessing it. Because you were dead serious, right? If you have to, look them square in their [potentially racist] eyes and let them know “That wasn’t a rhetorical question…”

Oh, and after you’re done waterboarding them into guessing a culturally-insensitive name for you, don’t forget the chef’s kiss: you calling them by the wrong name…


Content created on 10 March 2023 (Friday)

Footnotes & References:[+]

That Tempting Siren’s Call? It’s No Match For My Willpower!

4 Min Read

What’s that? You can’t resist picking up the phone every time it rings?

Of course I’d be happy to show you how to not do it. Of course…


“B-R-R-RIIING-BRIIING! B-R-R-RIIING-BRIIING!”

Okay, so even old-timey cell phones didn’t quite sound like that, but since what you’re hearing is a cell phone ringing back in 2001–and the yungens out there don’t know any better–we’ll pretend like that’s the sound they used to make. You know, “before ringtone scientists invented ringtones,” LOL.

So where was I? “B-R-R-RIIING-BRIIING! B-R-R-RIIING-BRIIING!” you say?

No, I know that’s where I was in the story, but I meant literally, “Where was I?”

Well, I’ll tell you where I literally was: as a freshly-dreadlocked Junior at K-State, I was beginning the school year by training for my part-time job as a physics teaching assistant. This was where some of the physics professors corralled the 20 or so of us aspiring physics maestro extraordinaires into a lab, and attempted to impress upon us how to properly impart physics facts unto apathetic undergrads.

In other words, I was busy, in a semi-public setting, getting paid to pay diligent attention to someone else.

So, of course I discreetly silenced my phone–never mind the facts that I had had it only for a mere week, and that I was too cheap to pay $4.99 + taxes and fees per month for Voice Mail–before it could it disrupt the classroom proceedings.

Of course…


“Kamsahamnida!1Translation: ‘Thank you’ in Korean.–Oh, sorry, I meant : ‘감 사 합 니 다!’ “

Many years before I knew I would marry into a Korean family, I found myself trying kimchi at the apartment of a couple of Korean K-State grad students. Later in his college career, my wise buddy Gfeller took on a side job as a resident assistant for the international student housing on campus, so he was friends with many a fella from a wide spectrum of nations. And ’twas he who had brought me as his guest to this intimate multi-cultural feast.

Let me tell you, I took my role as a curious colonizer seriously, learning about and partaking in such Korean customs as not wearing your shoes in the house, picking every last bit of meat off the kalbi bones, and of course, you gotta try the kimchi.

And in the middle of such convivial exchange of customs…

“B-R-R-RIIING-BRIIING! B-R-R-RIIING-BRIIING!” trumpeted the beast in the depths of my back pocket.

“Hark! Who is that calling my cellular telephonic device?” I thought to myself in a completely unnecessary Victorian-era accent.

In case it was urgent–another 9/11, perhaps?–I decided it was best to take a peek at the Caller ID. Ah, yes, Caller ID–a feature that I had finally caved in and dropped the outrageous amount of $2.99 + taxes and fees per month to have added to my plan a mere two months earlier.

Turns out it, it was my other wise and faithful–and coincidentally, half-Korean– buddy, ol’ Beechnuts, with whom I hadn’t chatted in a while.

But, of course, though new to Korean culture, I acknowledged and respected their deep-seated norm of never being so rude as to answer one’s phone while in the midst of socializing.

Of course…


“Yeah, so even though I know I was the one responsible for them, I gotta say I, um, kinda prefer your dreadlock-free look…”

A couple of years after that particularly dreadful affair, I found myself hanging out with that particular female friend who had waxed up my locks real good–and yes, I had semi-romantic intentions on my mind.

As I walked her across the cold campus to her dorm, I couldn’t help but thinking that she was hinting at something more. Was she calling me…handsome?

I batted my eyelashes at her coyly.

“Oh, do you really think–“

But before I could finish my thought, a blaring “B-R-R-RIIING-BRIIING! B-R-R-RIIING-BRIIING!” interrupted the moment.

Glancing at the Caller ID, I noted that it was my noble and beloved mother calling upon me.

Of course, though I loved my momma very much and enjoyed conversing with her, I silenced my phone and refocused my attention on the woman who would indubitably be my future wife…

Of course


“Well, it looks like you have everything in order to refinance your new property. Any questions for me, your trusted local banker?”

Many, many moons later (and not so many moons ago), I was at the financial institution just down the road, assisting an older unnamed family member with some very important adult stuff, and we had almost wrapped everything up when…

“B-R-R-RIIING-BRIIING! B-R-R-RIIING-BRIIING!”

And of course you already know that that phone call was immediately silenced, and most definitely no one in that bank had to hear “Hello, Mother, what are you doing?” belch forth from anyone’s speaker phone and echo embarrassingly throughout the building.

Of course…


The point of the story is that I come from a long lineage of folk who know when not to answer their cell phones. And of course I wouldn’t be telling you these relatively boring-ass stories if they weren’t 100% completely true.

Of course…

And of course I gotta leave you with a quite-apt-but-semi-obscure cultural reference that speaks for us all when we hear that “B-R-R-RIIING-BRIIING! B-R-R-RIIING-BRIIING!”:

And, of course you already knew that was Electric Six‘s hit, “(Who The Hell Just) Call My Phone,” and you most certainly didn’t have to go listen to it over on YouTube.

Of course…


Content created on: 23/24/25 February 2023 (Thurs/Fri/Sat)

Footnotes & References:[+]

But Dad! I’ll Never Get Sick And Tired Of Being Unique!

7 Min Read

You ever wonder why you fought with your dad so much when you were a teen?

Oh, if only we could ever get to the root of it…


“Dammit, son, not again…again! You’re an embarrassment to all the farmers of Morton County…dear lord, why me?!? Why am I stuck with the kid who can’t appreciate his G0d-given beautiful blonde hair?”

Honestly, I’m not sure how I was expecting Dad to react when I unveiled my latest hairstyle featuring half-red/half-black on top, with natural sun-bleached blonde on the bottom.

I mean, I was doing it for the proverbial sh*ts and giggles during an uncharacteristically boring stretch of my final summer on the farm before college. Yes, yes, you remember that summer right? The Crazy-Ass Summer of ’99? Yeah, that one. This was the product of the sole week that defied one of our mantras of that summer, “Never a dull moment!”

Ol’ Papa Bob, on the other hand, didn’t seem to appreciate neither the “sh*ts” nor the “giggles” aspects of the situation. In retrospect, I would venture to say he seemed a little tired of my version of teenage angst playing out as me running around the country side looking like a techni-color jackass.

“Tired?” you ask? Oh, yes, this wasn’t the first time him and I danced this little dance…


“Whoa! Who’s the new guy?!? Seems kinda odd, ya know? Like, who transfers high schools in the middle of November?”

“I can hear you–I’m standing right here!” I reminded my classmates as they murmured about me from a few lockers down.

“Wait…what?!? I mean, Who?!?” was the inevitable reply each time, as their eyes told them one thing, yet their ears told them something completely different.

“‘Tis I, the Noble and Beloved Junior Class President Runner-Up!” I would reply every time.

“The heck is going on here…wait…can it be? BJ, is that you? What in the tarnation did you do to yourself?!?”

Honestly, when I dyed my hair black on a lark, I didn’t anticipate the most enjoyable benefit of doing so: confusing the living ----- out of everyone I know, and getting to watch it play out in real time as they look me directly in the face and slowly but surely put the pieces together.

“Uh, yeah, so I thought I would try something new and dyed my hair black. What do you think?”

“I think you look like a totally different person…and also, damn, son, I never realized you had such thick, bushy caterpillars for eyebrows. But, hey, props to you for really committing to the part and dying them as well…”

“Yeah…I didn’t realize my eyebrows wear so bushy either, otherwise I probably wouldn’t have pulled this stunt…”

Speaking of ‘stunts’, you probably already guess that my Diddy was none too plussed to come home from a hard day out in the fields to find that his son had conned his stepmother into letting him make use of her leftover black hair dye.

“Oopsies! Well, I guess were stuck waiting for it to grow out now!” was logic that didn’t do me any favors, nor managed to make him any less irate.

Quick side note here: ‘Daisy’–the one who supplied me with the dye and applied it–wasn’t really upset with me, in part because she had as much a hand in it as I did. Well, she wasn’t upset until she had one of her rolls of film developed and found that I had taken the liberty of taking a black-headed selfie with her camera.

How did I discover this factoid? I totally bet you’re wondering that right now, right? Well, I’ll tell you how: once when I borrowed her sweet, sweet Eagle Vision, I discovered torn up bits of something in that part of the door you pull on to shut it. I soon realized it was that one selfie I had totally forgot I had taken. Not to let my effort to be in vain, I collected all 30-40 tiny pieces, and successfully reconstructed the picture, holding them all together with masking tape on the back. In fact, I probably still have that trophy picture to this very day…

But I digress…

Later that spring…

“Oh happy day! Our spring school portraits are in!” all of us students exclaimed, though we were all still unsure of why we had school pictures taken again despite knowing full well that the ones they took in the fall would be the ones used in the yearbook.

“Oooh, that’s unfortunate, buddy,” one of my random classmates commented as the looked at my pictures over my shoulder.

“Yeah, I suppose I didn’t put much forethought into what I would look like several months after dying my hair black…”

“Don’t worry,” they half-assedly tried to reassure me, “I’m sure you’re dad will still proudly distribute these regal pictures of you to all your family members. Even if you look like a ----- skunk…”


“Stone Temple Pilots are playing in Amarillo?!? Tonight?!? Phillip K. Ballz, you best not be yanking my chain, ya hear?”

“Nah, man, I swear I’m shootin’ straight and true–do you think your dad would take us?” Ol’ PKB wistfully inquired with his trademark half-assed Texas accent.

“I doubt it, but it’s worth a shot…I’ll get right on it!” I said with measured optimism.

Seeing as how it was the last day of my Sophomore year of high school, and was about to head off to live in sunny Southern California with my mom for the summer, I felt there was a tiny glimmer of hope that Dad would at least be open to taking us two dumbasses 2-1/2 hours due south to see a band he had never heard of play…right?

Okay, actually I wasn’t that optimistic at all, so you can bet your buns that I was quite surprised when he said he would take us–“If we can score some tickets, that is,” he said.

“Holy sh*t! He said ‘yes–contingent upon the logistics working out!’ Can you believe it?!?” Yup…I’m pretty sure that’s how I shared the good news with PKB.

“Well, hot dang! I better pack my bag–the concert starts in like, 4 hours, right?”

“Oh, right, yeah, I guess we better start heading that way whether we have tickets or not…”

Now, friends, I need to remind you that this tale is taking place in 1997, a good few years before Ticketmaster started ruining the experience of live music for concert-goers all across this fine nation. So if one wanted tickets to a concert, then most likely you would have to call up the box office and see if they had any available.

Also, cell phones weren’t ubiquitous back then, and even if you were lucky enough to have one of those bag-phones in your car, one surely couldn’t afford to waste their precious 45-minute monthly allotment on hold with the Amarillo Civic Center.1I did my homework, and the internets verified my memory of this whole ordeal: https://www.setlist.fm/stats/concert-map/stone-temple-pilots-bd6b9ee.html?year=1997.

Somehow, these factors, combined with the fact that the only ride me and PKB had was Peppermint Paddy–my less-than-reliable red-and-white pickup whom you might remember from this story and it’s sequel–ended up with us following this convoluted plan as follows:

Step One: My adult sister, Denise, who lived in Amarillo, would try calling the venue to see if she could get us tickets. I’m not sure if somebody thought that her being physically closer might give us a better chance, or what the logic was here. I suppose it would be cheaper for her to be on hold, since it would be a local call…and I guess she would be stationary after all, unlike the rest of us, thus allowing her to make the call in the first place.

Step Two: Dad would get cleaned up after a half-day farming in the dusty-ass fields of Kansas, and would then hop in Daisy’s much more reliable–and very, very, sweet–Eagle Vision, and then proceed to our rendezvous locale: the metropolis of Goodwell, Oklahoma, about 45 minutes into the route to Amarillo.

Step Two: Meanwhile, PKB and I would pack up in Peppermint Paddy and putt down the road to Goodwell as well…and for the life of me, I don’t remember why we all didn’t all just drive together. But we didn’t.

Step Three: Once at Goodwell, Dad would call Denise from the payphone of the lone convenience store in town, to see if we had tickets or not.

Step Four: The three of us would then proceed to Amarillo in the Eagle Vision, arriving just in time to rock out to the sweet grungy vocals of a fuschia-headed Scott Weiland & Co…

Um…Step Four of course was the contingency, depending on Step Three to come through with tickets for us.

Well, as you probably have guessed by now, this is not the story of “that one time I saw STP live.” Nope, nope, nope. The one time the Universe shines kindly on me, in whence Dad actually agrees to one of our dubious schemes, it has to turn right around and deny us with a sold out show.

Or, as Hercules would say:

“Welp, what do we do now, Dad?” I inquired, kicking stray rocks in that Goodwellian parking lot.

“Well, boys, I need to go take care of some more farmy-type stuff while I have the daylight, I ‘spose…you got your truck, so go do whatever you want for the rest of the afternoon, and I’ll see you at dinner.”

“Whatever I want, you say? Hmmm…interesting…”

“Ok, see you later, Farmer Bob!” unlike me, PKB wasn’t one to mince words.

Well, I’ll spare you the details (I mean, haven’t you suffered enough already?), but let’s just say, yadda yadda ya, and that’s how I ended up in a McDonald’s bathroom in Guymon, Oklahoma, getting my hair dyed a not-as-bright-fuschia-as-a-grungy-sixteen-year-old-would-like by his best friend.

Later that evening…

“What in the funk?!? Dammit, son, why is your hair pink?” my old man demanded to know.

“It’s fuschia, Dad. Or at least it was supposed to be…”

“Oh, your ass is going to be fuschia once I get done bustin’ it! Dammit, boy, what’s wrong with you?”

“Look, I’ll be leaving for California in a few days, so you won’t have to worry about the corn or the wheat or some random cows seeing you with a pink-headed boy in your pickup, heaven forbid…”

Later that summer…

“Welp, here I am at the Amarillo airport to pick up my youngest child…I hope he has literally outgrown that pink hair of his…” Dad no doubt thought to himself as he waited at my gate–remember when you could still do that?–ever so patiently.

“‘Tis I, the Noble and Beloved Son!” I proclaimed when I finally stepped off the plane.

Dad just stood there for a moment, taking in the sight of my hair, which by now had grown out about an inch and a half of blonde roots. Oh, yeah, and that half inch of pink hair I had at the beginning of summer? That was now a half inch of orange tips, thanks to the SoCal sunshine.

Dad just buried his face in his hand.

“Cheeses H. Crikes,2Actually, he would have said something more like “Jesus H. Christ” but I’m trying to keep this story Mom-friendly somehow you look even dumber now, son…”


The point of the story is that another fantastic perk of being blonde–male or female–is that you have a blank canvas right there! Sitting on top of your ol’ noggin’! Just waiting for Teenage You to paint a picture for all the world to see! One that is an expression of your True Self, your Inner Soul!

Or, as in my case, you can vandalize it with a spray-painted message to your loving father that simply says “Suck it, Dad…”


Content created on: 27/28/29 January 2023 (Fri/Sat/Sun)

Footnotes & References:[+]

Hey Man, Don’t Hate Me Just Because I’m Beautiful

4 Min Read

Boy, you got yourself some pretty hair there.

But with great beauty comes great responsibility, son, so you better beware…


“Honey! It happened again!” I hollered in the general direction of My Beautiful Bride as a stumbled in the door after a morning jog.

“Who was it this time? A car full of unruly teenagers? An entitled rich white guy driving a sports car?” she asked, doing her best to play the part of the concerned wife.

“Well, you see, there I was, just pounding the pavement, minding my own business, when I hear a truck come speeding up behind me and–“

“Oooh, a truck you say? That’s a new one…” she interrupted, clearly more bemused than concerned.

“Yeah, you know that distinct sound a pickup truck makes? Anyways, right before it got to me, it suspiciously slowed down. I didn’t think too much about until I heard someone start to whistle. And just as soon as I turned to see who be whistling at me–and also to make sure I wasn’t about to be man-napped–the whistler abruptly stopped and the truck sped off.”

“Did you see who it was? Did you know them? Should we call the cops???” she was doing her best to stifle a guffaw at this point.

“According to the side of the truck, it was ‘Garcia’s Landscaping’, and, no, I don’t know them, and –hey! Are you making fun of me? Look, you simply couldn’t understand the blow to the ego when you only get half-cat-called?”

“Oh, my Love, I imagine it must be horrible! Unfathomably unbearable! Oh the humani–“

“Of course you couldn’t! You always get the full cat-call! ‘Oh, look at me! Look at me! I’m a woman from behind and from the front!’ Ugh. You make me sick.”

“Yeah, poor you. You’ll never get the full experience of wondering if that car slowing down or that cat-call is a harbinger for your impending sexual assault and possibly even death. You live such a deprived life.”

*long pause*

“Ok, so you make a good point. I’ll stop whining about it for now.”

“Thank the good lord! Oh, and if you refuse to get a haircut, then maybe I should get you one of those bright yellow jogging safety vests…”

“Umm…I mean, that might stop me from getting hit by cars, but it’s not gonna do much to keep me from getting inadvertently hit on.

“Aht! Aht! Ah! I wasn’t finished! And on that back of the vest, I’ll have them custom print ‘Keep movin’–I’m a DUDE.’–in both English and Spanish. Oh, I just can’t stand to think of the heartache my husband might be causing with that luscious blonde ponytail of his…”


“Wait, wait! Don’t look just yet! Wait until they’re right next to us, then on the count of three we both glance at them. Got it? Okay!” I instructed My Beautiful Bride under my breath.

Years later, one evening when the two of us had got all gussied up for a date night and headed out to the local theatre, we unfortunately embroiled in a little “incident” en route.

Recognizing that signature abrupt-yet-casual slowing down of the vehicle behind us in the left lane, I had enough foresight to make the moment really count.

“One…Two…Three…GLANCE!”

We both look over just as the car pulled even with us, and, boy, let me tell you, their face was a stage and the three-act play that unfolded was more dramatic–and more entertaining–than anything else we would experience that evening.

Act 1: The eyes of the two guys in the car land on my wife first. She is very pleasing to look at it, and this is reflected in the young men’s expressions. Oh, the passion! The pleasure!

Act 2: In eager anticipation to see what beauty may be awaiting them in the passenger seat, their eyes flit past Eye Candy #1, only to be met by handsome-but-very-much-not-female lightly bearded visage. I bat my eyes at them seductively. The plot thickens. How can we tell? By the confusion and delay on their faces as they try to process the cognitive dissonance they just experienced. Also, they almost drive off the road.

Act 3: A split micro-second later, reality hits them like a ton of bricks. For a fleeting moment, the anger of being made out to be a ----- fool skitters across their faces, before settling into a look of dejection–as if they phrase “aww, nuts!” was a facial expression.

We gave them a little wave–the wife wearing a light smirk, and me with a pretty big sh*t-eating grin–before they quickly looked away in embarrassment and sped off.

“Oh, toodle-loo, boys! Enjoy your evening!” I couldn’t resist mouthing.

“What? That’s it?!?” you, Dear Reader, are no doubt asking of your tablet or mobile device, “When you said ‘incident’ we were expecting, I dunno…something more…violent, maybe? Like an accident. Or at least some road rage!”

Well, sorry to…um…let you down. My luscious blonde ponytail is a pacifist and eschews all forms of violence. No, no road rage here…only a little dose of drive-by disappointment…


“¡Muchas Gracias!” I yelled in appreciation to the Costa Rican roofers busy at work on a roof on the route between our honeymoon accommodations and the Pacific Ocean.

My Beautiful Bride of only 4 days gave me a sideways glance.

“I think that cat-call was meant for me, my dear,” she gently suggested.

“Yeah right. Like how could anyone possibly even know that?1That, my friend, is a Napolean Dynamite reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IiIHzfXEiA And besides, no one would actually cat-call a woman right in front of their husband!”

“Um…we’re in Central Amer–“

“Nah, I’m pretty sure that was directed at me,” I asserted.

She paused for a moment or two before turning to me.

“So…is this going to be a whole ‘thing’ for the rest of our marriage?”

“Indubitably…”


The point of the story is beware the unintended consequences and pitfalls before donning a ponytail, young man! You coif your majestic mane in such a manner, and you might find yourself apologetically uttering “Sorry to disappoint!” more often than you might like.

On the other hand…if you’re the kind of chap that takes a sort of perverse pleasure in disappointing overly-lusty lads, then if you ask this doctor2Yes, I am a real (non-medical) doctor, #HumbleBrag. if a ponytail is right for you, that joker might just reply, “Ancient Astronaut Theorists say ‘yes’…”3Watch any episode of History Channels Ancient Aliens for 3 minutes and you’ll get that joke.


Content created on: 18/20 January 2023 (Weds/Fri)

Footnotes & References:[+]

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