“I love you to the moon and back!”
…said no brother ever…
“C’mon Mom, you know you want to do it!”
I had hatched a plan for the ultimate brotherly revenge, but its success all hinged around the complicity of our shared genetic donor–aka Our Loving Mother.
“Just imagine the sweet taste of comeuppance for all the heck that little rascal has put you through over the years!”
I could tell that I was wearing away at her will to resist my irresistible scheme. Although I had only about 20 minutes left in this window of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, I figured that would be enough time for me to crack her.
I needed to impress upon her the sheer brilliance of the idea; I just knew that would ultimately convince her.
“It’s all about the element of surprise. The fact that no one would ever suspect you would do something like this in a million years–that’s what will take his shock level to a whole ‘nother level.”
“But…but…but…his wife is in the car.”
“Aw, she’s a grown-ass woman, Mom. I think she will be able to handle beholding what the fruit of her husband’s lifetime of laboring to be a pain in your butt, in its full glory. Well…she might need a little help from a therapist, but she’ll manage. She’ll probably even think it’s hilarious.”
“…and his kids?”
“This is a 45-minute drive through the winding back roads of Virginia, Mother. They’re both indubitably asleep. Especially the newborn.”
“…but they’ll be scarred for life if they witness what you’re suggesting…”
“I know deep down, you want to do this. On the count of 3, I’ll pass him, and you take care of the rest.”
VRROOOOOOOM!
I pressed the pedal of my humble ’95 Camry to the metal, and sped around 1SkinnyJ‘s Civic, barely able to hold in my anticipation at knowing that by time he realized what he was looking at, it would already be too late.
I kept one eye on the road, watching for oncoming traffic, but couldn’t resist tracking him with my other eye as I passed him. This was going to be–pardon the overwrought word here–epic.
But the look on his face was not one of utter shock and dismay, just confusion as to why I would be passing him, see as how I had no clue how to get to his house.
“MOMMMMMMM! Where were you? We had one chance and you blew it!”
“I just couldn’t do it. In my heart, I knew that if I did, he would probably drive his whole family straight into the ditch. I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting my grandchildren…”
“ARRGH! Why is my genius always foiled by foolish mortals?!?”
“Sorry, kiddo. I love my son too much to ever subject him to the sight of my bare, lilly-white buttcheeks pressed against the window of the passenger side of my best son’s ride…”
“C’mon Mom, you know you want to do it!”
Unlike the failed “Moon Mission” only months previous, I knew this time I could convince her to be my accomplice.
“You know how lonely a man can get on a Navy submarine. Nothing sweeter than giving him a false sense of hope, only to dash them against the rocks–just like the Bible says your supposed to do to the babies of your enemies.”
“Maybe you should leave the Bible out of this one, yeah?”
“Well, technically I am leaving the Bible out of ‘it.’ Anyways, can you imagine the look on his face that he’ll have, once he realizes that you have bested him for realzzz this time?”
“I’m not sure we’re even allowed to put that type of stuff in a care package to a military man…and I’m not sure I even want to touch it when I put it in the package.”
“Don’t worry, Mom, I’ll wrap it in plain brown paper.
You’ll never have to know that inside is the salacious and suggestive cover of the latest issue of No Holes Unfilled! 1For the historical record, I believe this was just a subtitle on the magazines cover–I don’t remember the official name of this particular piece of pornography that I had my friend Andrew by on my behalf. magazine–and it will be too late for 1SkinnyJ by the time he discovers inside that that is not busty co-eds having their orifices used in inarguably ungodly ways, as he was hoping to find. Nay, instead he will find one of your old brochures for…Baptist Bible College! Mwah-hah-hah!”
“Well, I didn’t need to hear all that. But yeah, I guess if you want to anonymously donate to your seamen brother’s car package from me, I won’t stop you.”
“YAAAAAAS!”
Finally, the vengeance I had so longed for would be at long-last mine! This prank–the ultimate ‘Bate n’ Switch,2Yes, that is right. I absolutely just made an overt masturbation pun. if you will–this one was for little brothers everywhere, throughout time and space, from all corners of the Universe.
As I envisioned 1SJ opening my little surprise-within-a-surpise, I bowed my head, and thinking of all those little brothers whose burden of justice I bore on my shoulders in that moment, I uttered words that any good Christian Brother would be all too familiar with.
“I do this in remembrance of you…”
The point of the story is that evil genius best soars highest when flying solo. Sure, it would be nice to have some help executing your deliciously diabolical plans from time to time. But the best laid plans can easily be undone by any mere mortal that you mistakenly trust to do your bidding.
“I do this in remembrance of you”–my ass!
There’s a revenge-shaped hole in my heart–left unfilled–all because Mom couldn’t remember to actually put the care package in the ----- mail…
Content created on: 20 November 2021 (Saturday)
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