It’s a common problem for guys with large packages like me.
Not everyone is prepared to handle the length or girth–at least not adequately…
“Logistics Emergency! Logistics Emergency! For the love of God, open the door, please!”
I banged on the door of my new country neighbors, praying to any deity that would listen that they would take pity on my pathetic soul and let me borrow their big-ass pickup they use for hauling their horsies around.
I finally had those coveted shower walls within my grasp, but now, thanks to some dumb-ass at the trucking company that was supposed to be delivering them, they were about to slip right through my fingers. And then they would be gone forever…
…
Okay, Outkast, not forever ever, just until, like the next Tuesday or Wednesday. But, here’s the deal: in 3 days–on Monday, to be precise–I would be moving my mother into her new place out in the country, the so-called Farmstead, and she sure as sh*t would need to have a functioning shower awaiting her.
Moments earlier, I had been slaving toiling away on her new digs, “The Loft”, just waiting for the call from the delivery driver that all was well and he would be dropping off the new shower walls before pulling the trigger and ripping out the old shower. And the call came.
“Yo, yo, yo! Dr. Builds-A-Loft, distant cousin of Sir Mix-A-Lot, speaking! What’s poppin’, mother-trucker?” my enthusiasm for construction materials was oozing, no doubt.
“Wait, what did you call me? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. I need to know about your place…you live in a suburban development or what?” the M.T.–that’s short for mother-trucker–asked stoically.
“Suburbs? Pfft! We country livin’ out here! You don’t have to worry about bothering any neighbors with your delivery vehicle,” I was almost offended he used the S-word.
“Like, is your road paved? Lot’s of trees?”
“Nah, just a gravel road, baby. And yeah we got trees. I would even say we have a plethora of trees, Jefe. That’s a Three Amigos reference for ya, buddy!” Oh, the presumptive hubris of mine.
“Yup, lots of trees was what Google Maps was showing me. And, uh, is it a dead end?”
“Only one way in, only one way out–a private oasis all our own! Umm…why do you ask?” I was starting to become suspicious of all his dang questions.
“Yeah…so, here’s the deal: I’m pulling a 53′ trailer behind my rig. There’s no way I’m getting out of there if I take my truck down your drive.”
“Huh? What? But I selected ‘Free Delivery’ when I bought it on Lowe’s website…”
“Sorry, Bud. I’m in Town now just across from the Lowe’s. Your package is pretty big…says here it’s what…300 lbs? If you have a pickup with a decent bed, maybe you could meet me here? Or do you know one someone who has one you could borrow?”
Dammit, so much for free shipping. I could tell this was going to cost me dearly–if nothing else, I wasn’t going to get any more work done for the day, despite it being only 4 pm. I had a fancy school fundraiser to go to at 7, and My Beautiful Bride wouldn’t tolerate me monkeying around with anything related to remodeling past 5 or 5:30.
“Well…my reclusive neighbors have a big ol’ farm truck, but dangit, wouldn’t you know it, I don’t have there cell phone numbers. But you know what I do have? A house there in Town, a few blocks from where you’re at now. Could we just drop it off there for now?”
For some context, I had a new fridge that was set to be delivered that same morning, but those particular jerks1”Jerks”–you know, short for “complete jerk-offs”. decided to call from a random number and then not leave a message, so I wasn’t able to be there when they showed up at 9 am. And now I wasn’t going to be getting that fridge for almost another week. So I knew how this delivery game is played. And I wasn’t letting this Moby ----- out of my sights.
“Hmmm..maybe. I’ll need to call my boss and get his approval. In the meantime, I suggest you try to find a pickup with a decent-sized bed…”
“Lowe’s customer service, Assistant Manager Paul speaking…”
Oh for f***’s sake. Not this asshole again. I needed somebody who was willing to bend the rules for me. I had little hope Paul would work with me.
Why was I at the mercy of this dip-sh*t? Well, first off, I’m sure you’ve deduced by now that my borderline-hoarder neighbors didn’t answer the door when I came a knockin’–though they were clearly home.
And then as I hauled tail in my tiny CRV into Town, I got on the horn with M.T., only to be informed that he had unhooked his trailer and gone by my Town house and that wasn’t an option either.
“Too narrow of roads, and way too many trees,” he informed me.
And when I rolled up to where he had left his trailer–ironically at the entrance to my neighborhood–I realized that, once again, my ability to estimate distance and size wasn’t the greatest. A 53′ trailer is not only 53′ long, but dang was it tall! Like maybe 20′? Again, I’m not the best at accurately eyeballing these things, so maybe close to 14′–but a really, really, tall 14′.
It was at that point we had concocted the plan to ask Lowe’s if we could drop it off there, and then I could come back the next day or so and pick it up.
Now, this wasn’t an outrageous request at all, especially since those butt-faces were the ones who promised free delivery to begin with. In fact…
True story: I had actually ordered two sets of shower wall panels. This was the second one. When I had ordered the first one online, it initially told me that Free Delivery was an option, but when I went to place the order, I got some bizarre message indicating that home delivery was…illegal? Yup, that’s the word that the error message used, though I’m thinking it was ‘illegal’ in the sense of a bug in the webpage’s code that wasn’t allowed.
So for the first set of walls, I was forced to select “Pick up in-store”. Then, when I decided to go ahead and update the shower in the Loft the following day–with a slightly different pattern–I was elated to see that they allowed me to select Free Delivery this time around. How convenient!
Now, back to my conversation with Paul. It wasn’t like I just called up Lowe’s and got the right person immediately, though. Instead, I got looped through to the same person 3 times and disconnected at least once before I managed to get someone with an ounce of authority on the phone. Just my luck, I get the guy with an inferiority complex.
“So you see, Paul, funny thing happened…” I said as I delved right into all the asinine details that comprised the lead up to my predicament.
When I eventually finished explaining the sitch (as the kids these days call a ‘situation’) in its full glory, Paul reacted much as expected.
“Unfortunately, we can’t help you. The delivery truck can only drop it off at the address on the package.”
“Wait, is that Lowe’s policy? Or the trucking company’s policy?” I inquired as politely as I could, given the fact that Paul was now giving me a second reason to punch him in his fat neck.
“Sorry, that’s not our policy, it’s the delivery company’s rules.”
“But that’s no problem–my driver already got cleared to drop it off wherever I told him–“
“Sorry, but we can’t help you. We can’t be responsible for some random delivery that’s not in our system.”
“You gotta be ----- kidding me, Paul. Seriously? I ordered the ----- thing from Lowe’s. Are you not this Lowe’s we speak of?”
“I can’t let you have it delivered here. Anything else I can help you with today?”
“Yeah, there is one thing…do you have any of those giant screws for concrete pillars?”
“Sure do. They’re called anchors, I think.”
“Okay, great then. Can you do me a favor, Paul? Can you go back to where you keep them, pull one out, drop your pants, and…”
The line went dead all of a sudden.
At least all y’all playing along at home know dang well what I was imploring him to do…
“Uhhh, I don’t know if my boss will be cool if I just drop off 300 pounds and $1300 worth of shower walls just on the side of the road.”
I stared the the delivery driver dead in the eyes.
“Drop it here, and drop it now…”
Oh, shenanigans. What a pickle I’ve found myself in…
The point of the story is, sadly, the burden is on the customer’s shoulders to make sure that the delivery company puts our items on the appropriately-sized truck. Seriously. Be pro-active about it. Any time you have an above-average sized item coming your way–one where you get a call from the delivery guys the day before–when you have them on the line, interrogate the living daylights out of the rep on the other end. Give them every last detail of where you expect them to deliver it, and even then don’t trust them to get it right. Keep nagging them, perhaps threatening them even.
Oh, what’s that? You sense a wee hint of bitterness in my words, do you? Great job, Captain Obvious. If you’re still wondering why I might be bit of a crank in such matters, then swing back by next week, and I’ll regale you with, as the late great Paul Harvey would say, “the rrrrrrrest of the story…”
Content created on: 6/8/9 July 2023 (Thurs/Sat/Sun)
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