There’s no time quite like the New Year to look back and question your questionable life choices!
“I mock your so-called ‘lifestyle choices,’ Good Sir!”
It was the morning of January 2nd, 2020, and I was standing in front of the mirror. It all seemed so bizarre; I barely even recognized the caricature of a middle-aged man gazing back at me. And honestly, I didn’t even realize what I was doing until I found myself pointing a judging finger at this be-ponytailed stranger, smugly deriding his better judgement.
I paused briefly to appreciate the absurdity of the Dr.-Jekyll-And-Mr.-Hyde moment I was having with myself.
Seriously, though, how the hell did I end up here?
Well, I’m glad you asked! Why don’t you pour yourself a nice cold glass of kombucha and make yourself comfortable, and I’ll tell you the little story of exactly how this came to pass…
You see, it all started out back in March 2019, when I finally grew sick and tired of constantly looking like I was having a never-ending allergic reaction to bees. Needing anything that would help me be even slightly more “healthy looking” on a sustainable basis, I turned to a keto diet.
Or at least I thought I was doing keto. It wasn’t until a few months into my new lifestyle–not ‘diet’–when a nutrition-savvy friend at work pointed out that my half-ass version of keto was essentially just its less-glamorous runt brother, your basic low-carb diet.
But really, I didn’t care because it was actually working for me. More importantly, it was sustainable on account of the fact that I was in heaven, getting to eat all the meats and cheeses and bacons my heart desired and what-not. In fact, the only time that I had any second thoughts about it was when I thought I was going to die before I turned 40, all because of the, um, “repercussions” of my eating habits.
Now while my physical health was overall looking pretty good, it turns out that my half-ass keto wasn’t helping out any in the marital bliss department. That tends to happen when you all of sudden are asking your partner to accommodate your borderline-arbitrary dietary restrictions when it comes time for them to cook up the family meals. Fortunately, the Boss Lady loves me so much that she eventually volunteered to do keto with me, all for the sake of our marriage.
Sounds good, right? Right?
Wrong. Oh, so wrong, my friend. No, this is where things started to go awry.
Now it wasn’t because she didn’t put effort into doing keto with me. In fact, it was the exact opposite. You see, unlike me and my half-assery, she went all in–even to the point where she moved beyond just watching YouTube videos, and into actually doing extensive research in the scientific literature on the topic.
For my part, I was rather quite content in my ignorance. I was dropping the pounds and enjoying every bite along the way. I even warned her “Don’t go asking too many questions–you might just answers you wish you hadn’t!” Last thing I needed was some pesky “statistically sound scientific evidence” to go and ruin my fun.
Nevertheless, she persisted. And I couldn’t help respect her tenacity to sort through all the information, noise, and hype around which diet is “The Best.” Making a truly well-informed decision was something I just didn’t have the emotional and/or executive capacity to do.
She did have those abilities, though. However, she ultimately came to the conclusion that there was no definitive answer. While keto seemed good for your health in at least some situations, there wasn’t much insight into the long-term effects of consistently pumping your arteries full of high-cholesterol animal-based goodies.
One alternative option that she kept coming across (and therefore bringing up in conversation) was the so-called “whole foods plant-based” diet. In addition to sounding like it would inevitably be good for your health, it also had an edge on keto thanks to long-term studies showing that it’s a solid choice for your heart health. And after my aforementioned half-assed brush with a premature death a few months earlier, I had a newfound appreciation for taking the long view on my health.
Over the course of a few months, I could hear her becoming more convinced that she wanted to adopt a WFPB lifestyle. Much to my chagrin, though, she started playing the “I would do the same for you” card on me in an attempt to get me on board.
“Come on!” she would say. “Just try it with me for a few weeks, like I did keto with you.”
Every time, I would give her the same reply “If ain’t broke, don’t fix it, dang it!”
But the truth was that it’s hard to have a completely clean conscious eating all those delicious meats and cheeses and butters and real creams in the coffees. Sure, I was carrying around less adipose tissue (aka ‘body fat’), but deep down in my heart I could just feel that it all couldn’t be without consequence…probably because deep down in my heart I was well on my way to a clogged artery or two!
Ultimately I gave in to the Boss Lady’s wisdom and judgement. My respect for her in these areas was just too much for me and my dubious justifications for my debaucherously dangerous ways . Eventually I was convinced whole-heartedly (pun intended?) that investing in my health via a more clean and proven food system was the way to go.
Although it was September when this descent into madness with the Boss Lady had started, it wasn’t until early December before we began to seriously discuss both of us committing to making the big switch over to whole food plant-based together. We decided that once the holidays were behind us, the New Year would naturally be the perfect time to do it, giving us a whole month to logistically and emotionally prepare for what was to come.1LOL, it’s so cute to hear that phrase used so innocently right before 2020.
Now, it couldn’t have been into no more than 2 or 3 of these strategic planning sessions when I had finally had it with how inefficiently-named our guiding principle was.
“Man, saying ‘whole food plant-based’ sure is quite the mouthful,” I lamented. “We spend half the time in our conversations just saying it. There’s just got to be a shorter way to refer to it…”
There was a heavy pause in the air, in which you could almost hear the wheels grinding in my head.
“Wait just a minute…”
The realization–no, the horror–was beginning to sink in.
“…isn’t that the same thing as…”
No, it couldn’t be. How could have I let this happen to myself?!?
“Oh shit. Are we going…vegan?!? Noooooooooooo!”
Ja, it’s true, my friends. Believe it or not, not only did I have to find a way to survive the hell-hole on earth that was 2020, but I did it all without the comforts and conveniences of all of those delectable animal products you heard me salivate over for these last 4 minutes. And of course I just might have a story or two about my trials and tribulations experienced therein to tell y’all, but those will have to wait until another time for now.
Let me just take a moment to be proud of myself for going this whole time and not saying a word of my secret lifestyle to another living soul…
Okay, that’s not completely true. I was 100% vegan for the last 12 months…except for when on vacation. Or during any Federal holiday. Oh, and pretty much the month of December.
But I regress…
Content FINALLY created on: 10 January 2021 (Sunday)
Footnotes & References:
Thanks for all of the background info into your surprising lifestyle choice. Do you ever eat meat or dairy, or are you pretty strict?
That’s a most excellent question! In fact…I might have to write up a whole ‘nother post addressing the consequences, lessons, and misadventures that have come with turning, *ahem*, the V-word.
But the short answer is that, yes, in general I’m fairly strict.
The long answer? Well, you’ll have to wait in eager anticipation for up to 7 months for that! Get excited!