Dammit, I’m a grown-ass man.
I don’t need no kid telling me how to eat my fries…
Just the other day, I had left the kitchen1I.e. “bathroom” door open when I went to put some ketchup on my fries,2I.e. “take a whizz” but instead of sitting like I usually do, for reasons unknown I decided to change it up and stay standing as I garnished my side dish.3I.e. “did my biz”
The Younger of our two daughters,4I.e. “The Younger” who just turned 3, walks in to chat me up, but immediately gets entranced by the stream of ketchup,5I.e. “stream of urine” flowing like a waterfall right in front of her little eyes. After all, she had only ever seen people saucing while sitting before, so this was indeed a novel and fascinating experience for her.
At first she felt the urge to state the obvious, yelling so EVERYONE in the house could hear (including my poor mother):
“KETCHUP-KETCHUP!“6I.e. “PEE-PEE!!!”
“YOU’RE KETCHUPPING YOUR FRIIIIIES!“7I.e. “YOU’RE PEEEEING!”
I tried shushing her, but only with moderate success.
She curiously watched for a few more moments then shared her wisdom with me:
“Squeeze it, Daddy!”
“Ummm…what’s that you say, Kiddo?”
“Squeeze it…real hard!”
Trying not to chuckle too much, I asked her why I should do that, and she told me I needed to “Get it all out.”
I replied, “Well, how about I just ‘shake it gently’? Does that work for you?”
A few days later, lightning struck twice and she wandered in on me standing while I put ketchup on my fries8I.e. “standing-to-pee” again.
This time, though, she seemed to temper her advice a wee bit, thanks to my feedback from last time.
She gazed at the process for a few moments before suggesting what I can only imagine was a compromise in her mind:
“Squish it just a little bit, Daddy.”
I grinned and graciously thanked her for the handy tip.
What can I tell you, though? She just must be one of those people who have an opinion on everything.
I mean, she’s never even touched a bottle of ketchup9I.e. “a penis” in her life, for crying out loud!
…
OK, now go back and read it again, but pay attention to the Footnotes this time, will ya?
Content created on: 22 December 2020 & 20/21 January 2021 (Tues/Wed/THurs)
Footnotes & References:
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