Let me ask you something: how old were you when you discovered the True Meaning of Halloween?
Hint: It was never really about the candy…
‘Twas Halloween 1985, and I clearly remember being a 4-year-old boy excited to partake in his first “Spook Parade”1Also known as a costume contest. and the other Fall festivities hosted annually in the hallowed halls of Rolla High School.
Yes, I crisply recall seeing my little-boy Batman underwear as my mother changed me into my special outfit in the women’s’ restroom next to the RHS band room.
Ahh, the fond memory of her pulling a long beruffled shirt over my golden curls and past those Batman underwear, and thinking “well, this shirt is…interesting.”
I remember her tying the bonnet around the same little chin that one day, thanks to natural testosterone, would be covered in blonde whiskers.
Oh, how the feel of that toy shepherd’s crook in my future Man-hands2Seinfeld reference! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuwLFkpk4Lw is forever encoded in the depths of my cranium…
The one thing I don’t remember, however, is the family friend asking my mom with a quizzical look on her face: “Oh, who does this cute little girl belong to?”
No, that particular detail I had to get second-hand from the same mother who, being inspired by my luscious loopy yellow locks, decided to take indecent liberties with a child child’s Halloween costume that year.
Yes, Mother, I remember.
I remember (almost) everything.
And I precisely recollect staring at that strange-yet-familiar little girl in that bathroom mirror, and thinking to myself:
“So this is what the holidays are all about…”
The point of the story is, if you’re not bending your gender at least a wee little bit with your costume this year,3Here but a few examples: Finding Yourself On The Fairy Farm & No Cookies For Kesha (technically the latter is an example of “Halloween in February,” but nevertheless…). then I would argue you aren’t Halloweening right.
And don’t just take my word for it: One out of one mothers whole-heartedly agree.
Right, Mom?
Bonus: In case you don’t know “what the holidays are all about”… This is from the hit 90’s NBC sitcom Seinfeld, “The Gum”4 https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0697705/ episode, which somehow gets quoted way too much around our household:
Pro tip: It’s the perfect zinger for any underwhelming holiday moment–especially ones that involve chewing.
For example, this November 1st, when you get busted with your mouth full of Halloween candy you stole from your kid, you’ll be ready with the perfect reply that’s guaranteed to go right over their little head!
“Moooommy! Wha-wha-what are you doing?!?”
*Trying to talk and chew 3 Fun Size Snickers at the same time* “This is what the holidays are all about!”
Parents…you’re welcome.
Content created on: 28/29 October 2020 (Weds/Thurs)
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