Oh, to be sick and just trying to get by (or maybe just trying to get high).
Oh, the places you will go, oh the drugs you’ll buy…
“Walmart Pharmacy, Jake speaking! How can I help you today?”
I sighed heavily before taking a deep breath. For some reason I already had a sinking feeling that ‘Jake’ wasn’t going to be the COVID-vacation savior I was looking for.
As you might recall from earlier, I had got me a little case of the COVIDs, and was desperately trying to keep my family safe (and write my stupid weekly blog post, and catch up on some overdue library books) by hiding out in a nearby AirBnB apartment. For all intents and purposes, I really was hoping to have the most boring, uneventful case of COVID known to mankind.
But once my doctor offered to ‘enhance’ my recovery experience by prescribing me some codeine-based cough syrup–heh heh, well don’t you know that I couldn’t pass up on an offer like that!
Of course, there’s always gotta be a proverbial fly-in-the-ointment, and in this case I actually had 2 flies with which to contend: 1) the CVS to which I had the prescription sent was plumb out of the good stuff–as was also the case with all CVSs and Walgreens within a 25-mile radius–and 2) the technical name of the drug I was after was, um, let’s just say “controversial”…
“Yeah, hi Jake–*sniff*–it seems that I caught me some COVID, but my doctor told me there is a magic, top-secret, elixir that will cure all my symptomatic woes. Just one problem…no one seems to have it. Maybe you could be my COVID-cation hero?”
“Sure! What is it you’re after?”
“Well, that’s the thing, I’m not even sure how to properly pronounce it without potentially being racist and/or misogynistic…”
“It’s okay, bro, this is a safe space for white guys like us.”
Of course ‘Jake’ was a white guy.
“Um, so I’m looking for some Codeine-[REDACTED BY THE WOKE POLICE].”1Actually just go back and read the previous post if you really want to know what we were calling it.
“Oh, sh*t, man! You’re after the party-strength stuff! You gotta be careful with that, though…it can be addictive. And also–little known fact–you can get it without a prescription.”
“So…you’re saying you got some in stock?”
“Oh-ho-ho…no. We’re Walmart, man, we’re not allowed to dabble in those dark arts. But…”
“Yeah?”
I don’t know how, but I could tell Jake was looking nervously over his should right then.
“But I know a guy…Han…he’ll sell it to you over the counter, no questions asked.”
That name sounded familiar…
“Sweet. Where can I find this ‘Han’?”
“He’s over at the 501 Pharmacy…”
Disappointment washed over me. No wonder that name sounded familiar–‘Han’ was my source for Schedule-1 strength elderberry syrup, slanging it out of his ‘Pharmacy’ that was right next door to my doctor’s office.
And I use the term ‘was’, as in I was just paying my doctor a little visit less than 2 hours earlier, and Han and his 501 Pharmacy was not there no mo’–busted by the feds and shut down for good…presumably. Now I had to break the news to Jake.
“No, they went out of business. I was just there, and it’s just an empty building.”
“Oh, no, they didn’t shut down. They just moved a mile down the road. Yeah, yeah…*whispering* they’re behind the Taco Bell now.”
“You don’t say…well, Jake, I gotta admit, you’ve managed to be more helpful than any and all other pharmacist I’ve talked today. Not too shabby for a Walmart employee…”
“Han, my man! I’ve heard from a little bird that you just might have some Codeine-[REDACTED BY THE WOKE POLICE]…”
“Dude, that’s slightly racist…”
Dangit, I should have known I should have stuck with spelling out the name of the drug for Han, who might be of Native descent–or at least Asian. Now I ruined my last chance at scoring some codeine.
After a moment of awkward silence on the line:
“But yeah, I got the good stuff.”
“In stock?”
I could hear him clicking and clacking away at his keyboard.
“Yeah, I got several bottles.”
“Sweet. I just gotta call my doc to send you the prescription, and then I’ll be headed your way.”
“Uh, you know we close at 6:30, right?”
“I know. Don’t worry–I’ll be there.”
“It’s 6:10 now–“
“I SAID I’LL BE THERE!”
“Cool. Just, uh, come around back and text me when you get here then.”
“Damn, you are shady…”
“Nah, that’s just where we had to put our ‘Curbside Delivery’ at this new location…”
“Whaddya mean you ‘got nothin’ with my name on it’?!?”
Han had sent one of his hench-women around back to where I was parked to, instead of delivering me some ----- codeine, deliver me some bad news.
“Um, yeah, we don’t have any prescriptions under your name in our system.”
“Damn my doctor–I called her over 20 minutes ago to send the prescription over!”
“Sorry about that sir…”
“Wait, just a moment–rumor has it that you can get this same stuff over the counter?” My astuteness was about to pay off.
“Yes, but you’ll need to come inside and show your driver’s license and then sign something–“
“No time for details! Let’s get our asses inside and seal the deal!”
I was already out of my vehicle and double-masked, trying to follow them through the backdoor into the store.
“Um, sir, this is the employee’s entrance. You’ll need to go around front.”
“Oh, right. Heh heh…guess I’m just a bit over eager…”
Seconds later, promptly at 6:29 I waltzed through their front door, a fact Han was all to quick to point out with a sarcastic smirk.
“Coming in a whopping 1 minute before we close. Nice.”
I, for one, was in no mood for his attempt at stand-up comedy.
“Just shut up and Han over the item and nobody will get hurt…”
“Oh, you can cancel that order for me…I was able to find the Codeine-[REDACTED BY THE WOKE POLICE] elsewhere.” *eyeroll*
After finally scoring the codeine of my fever-dreams, I had made my way back to the original CVS that was supposed to be filling both prescriptions. But since they didn’t have a drive-thru, I had to go inside in person, COVID chills and shivers and all. Actually, wearing my sunglasses and a hoodie in June–and being quadrupled-masked–made me the one running around looking all shady. I had serious Una-Bomber vibes going on…
But, I digress. While the CVS pharmacist was able to supply me my other prescription–whatever those COVID pills are that ruin your sense of taste–she was trying to reassure me that they had my codeine ordered and would be in within a day or two.
I reiterated to her once again that I had been able to find some, and she could cancel that order.
The funny thing was that she didn’t cancel it, and I was literally haunted by this oversight of hers for the next two weeks. Yes, for 14 solid days I got at least one daily automated call from CVS telling me my ----- order was ready and I needed to come pick it up, and/or that my insurance didn’t cover my prescription starting with ‘CO’.
I’m sorry, CVS, it’s too little, too late. The moment’s passed and you missed your chance.
Plus, now that I know that my boy Han wasn’t shut down by the Po-Po after all, I won’t be needing your sorry ass for any of my future pharmaceutical (and occasionally, ‘recreational’) medication needs…
But wait! Don’t go anywhere just yet, Dear Reader–this story is far from over. In fact, we’re just getting this Spooky Season started.
I mean, sure, I used the term ‘haunted’ once, but that’s not the same as ‘ghost’–and you know that this saga cannot be over until you’ve heard that spooky word at least three times. And I promise you: I’ll make it worth your time if you stick around.
So, until next time, stay well-medicated, my friend…
Content created on: 16/17 September 2022 (Fri/Sat)
Footnotes & References:
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