The teacher smiled an evil smile as her devious plan came together.
But when that plan done blew up in her face? That was oh so much better…
“And in conclusion, fellow students, that is why Greek mythology is still relevant to our lives today, even in this modern era of technology and hyper-connectedness.”1This was not the topic of my speech–that particular detail is left to the annuls of history. But it was similar in nature, tone, and depth.
As I wrapped up my 3-minute impromptu speech in Mrs. Murray’s Freshman English class, what I heard wasn’t quite the thunderous applause every orator hopes to elicit from their audience. Instead I got the second best response: the rest of the class sat stunned in silence, except for a few scattered whispers of “damn, that was good.”
In fact, I think one of those whispers came from me–I don’t think anyone was more stunned by the eloquence and coherence of the auditory gem I had just dropped than yours truly. Like many folk, I’m not the biggest fan of public speaking, so you can imagine my anxiety after Mrs. Murray–out of nowhere–announced to the class that we would all have to give mini-speeches on the topic of her choosing with exactly –*checks notes*–ZERO preparation.
Oh, and guess who was hand-picked by ol’ Suzanne2If you’re wondering why I’m name-dropping my freshman English teacher, it’s because I finally remembered not only her last name but her first name too–after wracking my brain for over 4 years! to go first? I’ll give you one hint: it was the same guy she had sent to the principal’s office earlier in the semester for–and get this–“acting insolent and insubordinate when intentionally and habitually failing to bring a library book to class” to read when he was done blazing through his in-class work.
Yeah, I’m still a little miffed about being on the receiving end of the ‘Dumbest Reason For Getting Sent To The Principal’s Office (1995)’ award.
But now here I was on the other side of a terrifying speech that had seemed like it would most assuredly go sideways on me and end in embarrassment and humiliation. Not only had I survived, I had knocked it out of the frigging ballpark. And it felt ----- fantastic.
After a few more moments basking in the glory and admiration of my peers, I couldn’t help my newfound confidence peek through the curtains.
“Alright, who’s next?” I quipped3Okay, okay, I admit this probably doesn’t technically qualify as a ‘quip’–what are you? My Freshman English teacher or something? nonchalantly, scanning the crowd for anyone brave enough to try to follow my act.
In the process I happened to glance over at Mrs. Murray, to whom (not ‘to who’) I couldn’t resist flashing half a sh*t-eating grin.
She just glared at me.
“Okay, class, it looks like it’s time to move on to today’s lesson about past participles…” she said, brazenly gaslighting the entire class.
Not that my colleagues minded the deception–I’m pretty sure that the munchkins all away across the school in the Kindergarten classroom could hear the collective sigh of relief let out by everyone else in the class. I’m sure none of them was exactly chomping at the bit to endure the bullcrap I just had.
“Wait, what the hell is happening???” I confess that I was slightly confused by this turn of events. Wasn’t the entire class supposed to be partaking in this exercise? And now she’s acting like it never happened? Seriously, what the funk, Mrs. Murray?
I sat there silently for the rest of the period, mulling over the situation in my mind. Occasionally my gaze would wander across over to Mrs. Murray, who (not ‘whom’) had returned to her desk after a very brief, very half-assed lesson on past participles. And every time, I would catch her staring daggers back at me.
By the time the bell had rang, I finally understood what had transpired.
There never was an ‘impromptu orations’ in her lesson plan! She had no intention of making anybody else give a speech (though it was pretty cruel of her to make them sweat it out). That skinny witch had set me up–she had made that all up in hopes of harassing and embarrassing me–and only me–with a speech that she thought most assuredly would suck balls. No doubt it was because I was being a real Chatty Kathy in the middle of class (again), but that is very much beside the point…
The point of the story is karma can be a real b*tch, ain’t that right Mrs. Murray? You very unprofessionally attempted to publicly humiliate a rascally-but-ultimately-harmless student of yours, and what do you get for giving in to your petty impulses? Oh, that’s right, you ended up make him a g0d amongst [fresh]men, all thanks to a short speech that went a little sum’thin like this (with all apologies to my dear mother):
Side note: do you realize how hard it is to choose amongst all the Google image search results for ‘flipping the bird’??? So many great options…Mister Rogers, Dolly Parton, a newborn baby…oh the options were endless, I could barely pick one.
Anyways…despite realizing that I had bested Mrs. Murray and her nefarious scheme, I gotta say…a full 28 years later, and I’m still a little peeved about her big batch of nonsense that was targeted specifically at me.
But then again, isn’t this is what the holidays are all about?
…
…
…
Oh, sorry I forgot to remind you that around this time of year I often find myself expressing my thoughts in the universal language of gifs from the 90s NBC hit sitcom, Seinfeld.4Who I got to see performing live just last night, not to brag or anything. *Ahem*…
To which holiday do I refer? Thanksgiving? Christmas? Hanukkah? Chinese New Year’s? Nay, I’m speaking of…
And we all know that the tradition of Festivus begins with The Airing Of Grievances:
So buckle ups, Buttercups, cuz we got a couple weeks of celebrating this fine holiday ahead of us…
Content created on: 17/18 November 2023 (Fri/Sat)
Footnotes & References:
Leave a Reply