How To Be A Man With The Wittiest White Van In All The Land

So you think you’ve gotten away with pulling off the ultimate dad joke?

But it turns out that is too soon that you have spoke…

“We’re reaching out to let you know that your North Carolina DMV payment has been refunded.”

I sat and stared at my computer screen, squinting as I re-read the cryptic email from my local government.

“The hell is going on here?” I muttered to myself. “I didn’t request any refund.”

You know that feeling you get when your best-laid plans start to waver before heading completely south? That feeling started to creep through my body, first emanating from the pit of my stomach, slowly reaching out its tendrils in every direction until had permeated my bones through and through.

It didn’t help that this email was incredibly–nay, impressively–uninformative. That is literally all the direct communication that it contained, along with payment information and the obligatory ‘it may take up to 14 business days to see the refund in your account’ nonsense.

But even before I sifted through the few clues I did have, I knew ----- well what transaction was being cancelled without my consent–and of course, once I saw the amount of money coming back my way, my worst fears were confirmed.

Now, if there was ever a time that I actually very much so desperately wanted the Department of Motor Vehicles to keep my $33.56, this was it. After all, how often in life does one get the opportunity to buy a small piece of true happiness for less than the price of 5 trips to Dunkin’ Donuts?¹Well, four trips when I was able to be a little looser with my purse strings and I would get a large oat milk latte along with my order of hash browns. Nowadays I make my own coffee at home and get a humble order of 3 donut holes instead of the latte.

But was I going to take this injustice lying down? Heck no! I was going to fight for my underly-ambitious and totally reasonable version of the fabled American Dream.

Or at least gently request more details, in case this was just a wacky and easily mitigated mix-up.

So I cracked my knuckles, looked up the DMV’s online customer service options–I already learned my lesson that DMV phone support is a smaller version of hell–and composed a restrained and gracious inquiry:

Sent By: [redacted]

Date/Time: 9/25/2024 11:15:46 AM

Comment:

Hello,
I recently ordered a personalized plate, but have since received notice that my payment had been refunded. I was wondering what the situation was, if you could look into it for me.

Many thanks,
Me (Lloyd P. Fletcher)

Please see below relevant information:

[redacted]

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” I reassured myself, “We’ll have this sorted out in a satisfactory manner in no time. Probably. Maybe…”

“Oh, wow, they got back to me quick. That must be a good sign, right?” I internally noted when I got notification of a response from the DMV less than hour late.

Sent By: Contact Us Administrator

Date/Time: 9/25/2024 11:49:51 AM

Comment:

Good Morning,
Since YETI is a brand mark, your plate rejected but I deleted reservation and you can reapply again.
Thanks,
Special Plates

“Rejected?!?” I seethed through my teeth at my computer screen.

Oooh, my blood really got boiling upon reading the asinine–and, quite frankly, legally flimsy–reason for my personalized plate request being denied!

And they sign off with a curt, ‘thanks for playing; ----- you, please try again’?!? Oh, boy, had they poked the wrong daddy bear.²Um…okay…that sounds like something totally different when I go back and read that out loud. Surely you know that I mean it in the sense of Momma Bear’s male counterpart, and not something more depraved and indulgent from the part of society that regularly celebrates those who identify as a ‘daddy’ or a ‘bear’ or both.

So I stood up just so I could sit back down again with dramatic affect, crack my knuckles, and pound out a thorough response to this utter ----- nonsense.

I mean, ‘YETI is trademarked, so you can’t use any hint of it’? You gotta be ----- kidding me…

“Let’s see what those a-holes have to say in response this!” I said with justified indignation and righteous anger as I hit send on a response that would make any receipt-bringing Karen proud (nevermind how much of my precious workday it ate up–this was war):

Sent By: [redacted]

Date/Time: 9/25/2024 1:00:12 PM

Comment:

I request that you reconsider this decision:
Yeti is another name for bigfoot, which has been around long before the brand, and should not be grounds for precluding my request.

Further, there is nothing of the sort in the guidelines that this request conflicts with. To quote the document found at https://connect.ncdot.gov/business/dmv/dmv%20documents/nc%20title%20manual.pdf:

“Not Allowed:
Words or letter combinations which might carry connotations offensive to good taste and decency.
Any combination of letters or numerals that conflict with the numbering system adopted by the North Carolina Division of Motor Vehicles.“

I chose “Not Yeti” because we have a big white van, with several BigFoot stickers on it. So the (1st) joke is that, despite the van being white, we’re referring to BigFoot instead of the Abominable Snowman (which, sadly, does not fit on a license plate).

The second reason for Not Yeti, is in reference to the age old question, “Are we there yet?” To which a dad driving his family to a National Forest would say, “Not Yeti!”

Also, in general its a reference to one of the main ways I encourage my wife to pursue her dreams of being an artist and writer, i.e. Her: “I’m not a writer”. Me (encouragingly): “Just Not Yet[i]!”

Of course my first dream was to change the plates on my regular silver sedan to simply and wittily “Yeti?” but that wasn’t available, leading me to believe somebody was allowed to have it.

Thank you for giving this matter the nuanced thought it’s worthy of.

–You know my name.

I mean, of course I was maybe just a little bit pissed off–I shouldn’t have to write a court-worthy legal document just to get them to stop sucking up to snowflake corporations like, uh, well whatever cabal of cowards owns the IP associated with those over-rated YETI coolers. It’s not like they’re special or anything–Pfft! It’s just an Igloo spray-painted white with a high-powered marketing department to convince the bourgeois class that they’re a must-have item for your stupid trip to the lake…

“Ah, another speedy reply, I see! Let’s see what these butt-clowns have to say for themselves now!” I did declare upon receiving another notification that there was a new response to my latest comment.

Sent By: Contact Us Administrator

Date/Time: 9/25/2024 1:51:41 PM

Comment:

Mr. [redacted],
If you see my previous email, you can reapply for requested text NOTYETI since you already received your refund.
Thanks,
Special Plates

A meek “oh.” was about all I could muster in response to this latest development.

Welp, folks, it looks we have a regular ‘good news/bad news’ situation on our hands here: the good news is that my dream of being able to drive around and regularly make random roadsters crack a wry grin and say, ‘Mmm…clever…’ had found new life.

The bad news is that I had just got done ripping this faceless underpaid civil servant a new bunghole over nothing.

“Well, sh*t.” I said to myself begrudgingly. “Guess it’s time for an apology comment…”

Sent By: [redacted]

Date/Time: 9/25/2024 1:55:26 PM

Comment:

Hi there,
I misunderstood what you meant when you said “your plate rejected but I deleted reservation and you can reapply again.”

I thought you meant that the NOTYETI request was removed so I could apply for a different personalized plate, but I think I see what you mean now.

So if I do re-apply for NOTYETI, you’re saying that it won’t get automatically rejected again?

I tried that, but currently the system is now showing that NOTYETI is not available…do I have to wait a certain amount of time for the system to release back into the available pool?

Thanks!

–LPF

*a few moments later..*

Sent By: Contact Us Administrator

Date/Time: 9/25/2024 2:28:41 PM Comment:

No Sir,
Can you please try it one more time? Thanks,

*a few more, pleasantly surprisingly successful moments later*

Sent By: [redacted]

Date/Time: 9/25/2024 2:58:23 PM

Comment:

Okay, it looks like it worked this time.

Thanks so much, and I hope you enjoyed my unnecessary debate points why I thought it should be allowed, lol.

—LPF

Despite all the completely avoidable drama, it was yet about one very long month later when I was finally able surprise my family with the honor of cruising around in the wittiest white mini-van in all of [redacted] County, [redacted] Carolina.

(Spoiler alert: they ----- loved it…)

“Holy ----- shiessehauffen!”

‘Twas but only a week or so ago when I about drove off the road upon seeing the vehicle that was in front of me before my very eyes:

In case you’re having a hard time making out what it says, it says exactly what you’re thinking: ‘YETI’.

“No waaaaaay, dude!” I yelled aloud. “I gotta get in the other lane next to my brethren and totally trip out some random road-goers when they see us side-by-side!”

I didn’t know how many miles long my window of opportunity would be, so I flipped on my turn-signal, hit the gas pedal, and suavely slid into the left lane like a man on a mission.

I was about to pull up even with YETI, when my wildest dreams came crashing down all around me: I was in our other car.

And while it, too, had specialized text that had broken the DMV’s system a few years ago, it was sadly, most definitely, not NOTYETI…

Content created on: 12 April 2025 (Saturday)

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