Have You Or Someone You Love Been Taken For A Fool?

You’ve always dreamed of being part of an international heist.

You should have been a bit more specific…

“You’re going to send how much via Western Union???”

“Only $800. This is a great deal on a laptop–I can’t pass it up!”

“…and you’re sending it to Spain?”

“Yeah, duh! That’s where the laptop is.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yup.”

“Okie-dokie, Artichokie…”

*Turns to Western Union Teller*

“I would like to send $800 to Spain.”

“Are you sure about that…?”

That particular conversation transpired in a Dillon’s grocery store back in 2002 between myself and one Tiffany Chestnut¹Not her real name…it’s actually her proverbial “Pornstar Name”, and I must say, I have never seen the pornstar-name-generating-algorithm work so ----- well in my life as it did in her case.–my forever friend-girl and occasional girlfriend back during my college days.²Side note: I had expected to have regaled you with many more tales about her and our relationship by now, but surprisingly, I think there is only one other reference to her, which you can read about in The Olde Timey Wheelchair.

Now, I’m not going to say which one of us was getting a sweet deal on an Iberian laptop, and which one of us was just along for the ride–that wouldn’t be fair to one of us. Nor am I going to disclose which one of us was contacted directly by an eBay electronics-monger moments after losing out on an auction–remember when that’s all eBay did?–for a laptop.

Should I specify which one of us thought, “Hey, I thought $1200 for a laptop with these specs is a steal, but now I can’t believe my good luck–I have the opportunity to get it for the low, low price of $800 (USD)!”

No. No I shouldn’t, as that could be considered to be in poor taste.

And you can already guess what my answer will be when you ask, “Well, which one of you felt totally cool with pulling $800 out an ATM before scampering over to Western Union?”

That’s going to be hard “negatory.” I don’t want to embarrass her. Or him. Or maybe her after all? I’ll never tell.

Hey, let me just stop you right there and pre-empt you by sharing this short list of three other questions that will forever remain Unsolved Mysteries:

• “Which one of you was too busy congratulating themselves on scoring such a great bargain that they didn’t pick up on the not-so-subtle skeptical vibe the Western Union teller was putting out?”
• “Who, oh who, was brimming with confidence that they would have some portable computing power in their hands in no time, after they received a confirmation email from FedEx International with a tracking number and the status that a ‘Shipping Label Has Been Created’?”
• “Which one of you two characters was slowly drained of all hope and joy as they realized that, after two weeks, the package status remained stuck at ‘Shipping Label Created’?”

As a proxy for one or both of us, I do believe I have the authority to plead the Fifth on all 3 counts.

But this I can tell you for sure, that one of us would definitely like to pass this very important message on to you, Dear Reader:

“The point of the story is that one should really learn how do some basic risk/reward analysis. For example, let’s say the odds of this unnamed person losing their $800 in a classic online scam are 50/50 (which is being generous, given the many, many red flags). At the same time, they stand to save $400 since the laptop was going for $800. The expectation value of the monetary result of this transaction is thus calculated: $400*0.5 + (-$800)*0.5 = $200 – $400 = -$200. So, if the deal is 50/50 suspect, then on average, he/she/they can expect to lose $200.

In fact, with these numbers, it would need to be 66.7% likely that this dude hawking hardware outside the terms of eBay is legit, and only 33.3% chance that he’s blowing smoke up your naive ass before you would ever expect to break even: $400*0.667 + (-$800)*0.333 = $266.67 – $266.67 = $0.

So, in your better judgement, would you take 2-to-1 odds that this deal is for real? Hmmm?

And this risk/reward analysis isn’t that hard to handle: a probability estimate that one can easily intuit plus some basic quantum-physics-style math, and voilà! Pretty much anybody can make a wise, informed decision.

Practically anybody.

Anyways…

Oh, and more importantly, the other point of the story is you really need to trust your gut when it screams a whisper in your ear: ‘Everybody knows not to send large sums of cash to strangers–much less those in a foreign country–via Western Union, you ----- moron!'”

While I may be a little coy about who-did-what and what-not, I do have a question for you that I will gladly answer:

“Which one of you was actually going to Spain in a few months to study abroad, and thusly made some rather stern threats to the scammer? Oh…and has two thumbs?”³This is a reference to last week’s story where alcohol ruined the punchline of that tried and true comedic trope.

The answer, my friend, is “This guy!”

*Proudly points my two thumbs at myself.*

The money was sent to Salamanca, Spain. I was going to be living Ronda, Spain for 5 months. Hmmm…Google Maps, could you please help out us folks who aren’t so familiar with Spanish provincial geography?

Well, looky what we have here. This phallus-face was only going to be a mere 592km from me. You better believe I was openly indignant to this guy’s (or gal’s) face. Well, not to their face, but yeah I definitely sent them several strongly-worded emails, letting them know they better be looking over their shoulder and sleeping with one eye open for a while.

In fact, thanks to my very specific skill set, I was able to hunt down a dramatic preenactment of how that conversation went down:

Even though, Taken wouldn’t be released until several years later, I kid you not, my email was dang-near verbatim:

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you. Or at least recovery the $800 you stole, you prick.”⁴For the record, I never followed up on those threats. I mean, hey, 592 km may not be Trans-Atlantic, but it’s still a long ----- ways, especially when you’re relying on public transportation in a foreign country.

Now, I imagine you have one last question for me:

“Well, were you being a valiant knight defending the honor of the vulnerable maiden under your charge? Or were you merely a ----- moron trying to defend his own besmirched honor?”

Hah. I knew you’d ask that.

You’ll never know for sure…but you can always do your own expectation value calculation and take you’re own scientific wild-ass guess….

Content created on: 11/12 March 2022 (Fri/Sat)

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