As a teenager, I, like most normal human beings, would find myself picking my nose as I laid in bed trying to fall asleep. However, I never planned on doing it; it would just happen organically and naturally each time. The problem being, I was never prepared for success in these undertakings, so I never had a Kleenex nearby to cart off the golden nuggets I had just mined.
Being a typical teen inclined towards the path of least resistance, I found the easiest–and frankly, most enjoyable–disposal option was to forcefully flick them into the darkness of the night, never quite certain of their fate.
On the other hand, I was an atypical teen who was into extreme pre-planning (Youths1
these days–am I right?). I mean “extreme” as in I tended to plan for the most extremely unlikely situations–in this case it was the highly unlikely event that I would actually ever find a cute girl hanging out in my bedroom. But, as the Brothers Kratt like to say, “What if?!?”
It wasn’t long before the ghosts of all those lost and abandoned boogers began to haunt me. I was just certain that the one time all the stars aligned and said hypothetical female was actually in my room, one of those boogers would rear their crusty heads in an unanticipated location, and upon discovery by SHF, would derail all my good luck and hard work.2See Fuck Bob Ross for more insight. I needed to take preventive measures. I couldn’t risk letting any known unknowns finding me in the Alps.3See: The Alpine Stranger.
The only way to truly mitigate the situation would be to devise a strategy in which I always knew the location of those rascally snot-balls. Well, I guess I could have just stopped picking my nose in bed, but where’s the fun in that? Anyways, it occurred to me the safest place for them would be nestled cozily between my nighttime clothing and my skin.4Clearly, I was pretty realistic about the odds of a girl getting into my drawers. Ever since then, I have always tucked them securely in the inside of the waistband of my undies or on the inside of my shirtsleeve.
Its ingenious right? First thing in the morning what would I do? I would always throw my clothes in the dirty laundry and then wash my grubby ass off in the shower. You can think of it as akin to Osama Bin Laden’s burial at sea:5Yup, I’m pretty sure this one is an analogy. the water all but ensuring that they would never terrorize me again.
So, for all the single night-pickers out there who don’t sleep naked…you’re welcome for the life-tip. Feel free to use my methods to enhance the success rate of your romantic endeavors.
Pro tip for all you non-singles out there: make a game out of trying to sneak your biological by-products into your partner’s belly button as they sleep. This useful couple’s exercise will help you quickly figure out whether you’ve committed yourself to someone with no sense of humor. Fun!
Content created on: 5 July 2019 (Friday)
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