Editor’s Note: This is a continuation of the loose theme introduced in In Soviet Russia (spoonerisms/transpositional humor…and basically just more abuse of the English language). While not essential, go ahead and read it anyways. Also, for your sanity, the title simply refers to the fact that we’re getting back to that original post that started this trainwreck of thought.
One time in high school, I entrusted my best friend, Phillip K. Ballz, to give me a very simple haircut that only required a single snip of the scissors. He proceeded to “accidentally” cut it at a sharp angle, resulting in the very front of my hair being notably shorter than the rest of my mini-puff.
Although I had enough historical data to know that I don’t look good at all as a human cue ball, he left me with no choice but to completely shave my head1Actually, we didn’t go straight to a complete buzzcut, but that story merits its own post. Patience, Young Grasshopper……which he proceeded to do with a little too much gusto.
Later on in front of some other friends, he made a frankly unimaginative attempt at mocking me for the follicular predicament that he had put me in:
PKB: “Hah hah! You’re like a Head and Shoulders commercial: Great hair can’t have flakes!“
Me: “Bitch, please. I think it’s much more accurate to say Great flakes can’t have hair…”
Duly Quoted
Legend has it that, when asked by an editor why she had missed a deadline, writer and mistress of wit Dorothy Parker replied:
Tell him I was too f*cking busy–or vice versa.
Notable Badass Dorothy Parker
I mean, we’ve all been there, right? But now, now you finally have the words to properly express yourself…
As I previously stated in In Soviet Russia, spoonerisms can be a real fount of wit and humor, even if it’s not premeditated. Out of habit I will often find myself taking whatever phrase is in the moment and uttering a spoonerized version of it, just to see what pops out.
It blesses my heart that I have been able to lead by example and have successfully imparted this habit to the Elder.2My eldest daughter, to those unfamiliar with this nomenclature. On a regular basis I will overhear her applying the spooneristic algorithm to whatever phrase is currently on her mind.
However, if you are thinking about trying this out for yourself, I should caution against mindlessly spoonerizing aloud.
Please, it behooves you to workshop them in your head first.
I just know one day, when we’re at the theatre to watch the latest Disney/Pixar money-suck, the Elder is going to call loudly across the lobby to me:
“Dad, don’t forget the c0ck porn!”3If you’r curious, I had to spell ‘c0ck’ with a zero instead of the letter O on account of the fact that my Censorship plugin will censor it. It’s not as funny reading —– porn, especially if it’s not immediately clear that we’re spoonerizing “popcorn”. Here let me show you: ----- ----- cock-a-doodle-doo!
Or, maybe if I’m lucky, she’ll merely ask for “cop porn” instead…
That is the better option of the two…right?
Speaking of the Elder, I am usually responsible for getting her to bed.
I will routinely lay down with her and chat a bit before chilling next to her while she says her nighttime prayers.
She will sit there silently, [presumably] praying, and then when she’s done she will loudly proclaim “Amen!”
At one point I got the notion to introduce her to another favorite mental pastime of mine, taking ideas waaaaay past their logical conclusions.
Since she was at that age where she was all about ABCs and patterns, I asked her what she thought should come after “Amen”, et cetera.
Several nights later, it was the Boss Lady’s turn to lay down with her.
They chatted for a bit and the Elder said her silent prayers as per usual.
I about choked on my laughter when from the living room I could hear her excitedly bark in the Boss Lady’s ear:
“A-men! B-men! C-men! D-men!”
A 4-year-old
Needless to say, I got in trouble with the Boss Lady for corrupting our daughter’s soul.
But damn, was that spanking every bit worth it, though…
Content created on: 12/17/18 December 2019 (Thurs/Tues/Wed)
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