As the saying goes “With friends like these, who needs enemas?”
Your friends. Your friends need enemas. Because they’re ass-hats…
“You really worry too much about what people think.”
Well, this had just gotten real uncomfortable. I was a guest counselor at a summer camp for a week, and was hanging out with the full-time counselors when one of them, out of nowhere, decided to start going around the room and laying out uncomfortable truths about each person.
“You have some real daddy issues.”
Awkward.
“You need to break off your engagement. You know it deep down in your heart that you do.”
Shit, she wasn’t sparing anyone’s feelings.
“I bet you don’t even really believe there is a god.”
Damn, the hits just kept coming.
But was I worried? No! Why? Because I only had been there a few days, and this ----- girl barely knew me. What dirt could she possibly have on me?
Though I got to admit that I admired her bravery for telling her friends the hard-to-swallow things that they needed to hear.
“You–you talk about yourself waaaaay too much.”
I started to chuckle before she whipped around and pointed a finger directly at me, “And you too, Buddy.“
Dang, girl, that was stone-cold.
Now, extensive self-centered oration isn’t really that embarrassing…it’s just that she figured out that that was my cardinal sin after only a handful interactions…
More recently, I found myself hanging out with a group of friends. A TV was playing in the background, and it must have been on the Food Network or something because there was a gratuitous amount of meat being shown. Real mouth-watering stuff, I tell ya.
I leaned over to one of my friends, whispering, “Don’t tell anyone, that I, as a vegan, am watching–and secretly enjoying–this show!”
She leaned over and whispered back, “Again, that information has no value to me or anyone else. Can you see how it’s you just talking about yourself even more?”
Damn, girl…
So at this point, you maybe thinking that the point of the story is something like “Blessed be the true friend who is willing to give it to you straight” right? While, sure, yeah, that’s true, there’s one tiny detail that I’ve intentionally omitted thus far: these tales never really happened. Sorta.
The truth is that these were both actually my own ----- dreams.
In other words: it was ME all along!
I mean, how bad is it that, technically speaking, I’m calling myself out for characteristically blabbing about myself at great lengths, and at times, for no real reason?
But I think the real point of the story is: beware, beware, oh beware your dream-self. They might keep running their mouth off, and, like me, you might find yourself thinking “Ugghhh. This ----- guy.1I’ve been watching What We Do In The Shadows on Hulu recently, if you were wondering whether this was a pop-culture reference or something. I wish this asshole would just shut the hell up about myself already…”
[Bonus material, since we’re vaguely referencing The Big Lebowski:]
Content created on: 17 June 2021 (Thursday)
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