Wait, it’s not supposed to be a competition?
Sh*t. NOW you tell me…
Fun fact, fun fact, fun fact! Did you know…apart from 2 sips of beer separated by 14 years and 1 very delicious wine cooler somewhere in between, I successfully sustained from imbibing alcohol until my 21st birthday? Ja, it’s true!
Even then, though, the disappointment inflicted by that inaugural Dixie cup of red wine caused me a significant developmental delay in acquiring a taste for the proverbial sauce. I mean, let’s face it: red wine tastes nothing at all like what its cousin, Welch’s Sparkling Grape Juice, would lead one to believe…but I digress.
It wasn’t really until I went to grad school before I learned how to properly drink at an undergraduate level. But that first year? Let’s just say it wasn’t exactly all Rosés.1Alcohol-based pun #1! Yup, my pro career2Football-based pseudo pun #1! as a social drinker was definitely on the rocks3Alcohol-based pun #2! in those early days.
For example, about halfway through my rookie season,4Football-based pseudo pun #2! I went to a Super Bowl party hosted by a friend of a friend of a roommate. I knew maybe a handful of people there, so for the most part I was hanging out with a bunch of strangers, trying to fit in by arbitrarily rooting for Big Ben and the Steelers.
Now remember, we were a bunch of rambunctious 20-Somethings, so of course there was going to be alcohol flowing like wine at this gathering. There was just one problem though: I still hadn’t yet fully acquired a taste for traditional beer at this point. So it was pure elation when I discovered that one of the hostesses had made an impressive tray of Jello shots for us guests.
Real quick: if you’re not familiar with Jello shots, you basically just add in a liberal amount of the clear liquor of your choice–say, Vodka or Everclear–when making Jello, pour the mix evenly into single-serve containers for easy dispensing–like, say, Dixie cups–then let them firm up in the fridge like regular ol’ virgin Jello, and–BOOM! You have a fun and easy way to get your daily recommended amount of the party juice in!
Anyways, trying to further fit in with the cool kids, I casually took 2 or 3 J-shots, acting as if I had actually done this before. To my delight, they were tasty af, and before I knew it, I found myself going back for 2 or 3…or 5…or 7 more. Hey, it was a crazy night, and I sort of lost count, what can I say?
I’m guessing it was around Shot #10 that I decided to do what all cool cats do when they’ve had a few more drinks than the average Bear: nonchalantly mention to their comPatriots how much they’ve had, and how good it was subsequently making them feel.
So to a random bunch of people I had known for all of maybe 20 minutes, I intimated a bit loudly, “Man, these Jello shots are really hitting me! WHOO–Feeling gooooood!”
There was a bit of an awkward pause in the conversation for a couple seconds before our gracious hostess tentatively broke the silence, fumbling5Football-based pun #3! for the right words as she tried to gently break the news to me:
“Ummm…I actually forgot to add the alcohol to the Jello when I made them, soooo…”
*Crickets*6Non-North American-centric sports pun!
Me:7Image source: https://media.giphy.com/media/jUwpNzg9IcyrK/giphy.gif
On the bright side, at least it was safe for me to get behind the wheel and drive my embarrassed ass home that very second…
Speaking of optimism, the point of the story is this: never underestimate the power of positive thinking!
Unless, of course, it’s “I should be good to drive” is what your thinking and it’s been “actual alcohol” that you’ve been drinking…
Have a fun–and safe–Super Bowl, everybody!
Content created on: 4 February 2021 (Thursday)
Footnotes & References:
Wow, that is like taking the placebo