You know how many a woman will tell you that they are deathly afraid of sitting down on the toilet, only to find that the seat has been left up? Well, ladies, you can rest assured that at least some of us fellas are listening.
Back during my first year of grad school I shared a house with three female roommates, and likewise shared a toilet with two of them. Being the thoughtful guy that y’all know and love me to be, I, in a moment of pure genius, decided that henceforth I would stop standing when I needed to go #1, and began regularly sitting during my time in the loo, regardless of the business at hand.
Though I’ll please have you note that I’m conveniently leaving out the fact that in doing so, I eliminated1No pun intended, but dang if that isn’t a clever one… any incidents of “stray spray”–because with no other males in the house to blame it on, the others would always have known whom to blame for any wayward droplets of urine. Yeah…we can just ignore that maybe my decision was just a wee bit self-serving, too.
Either way, the end result? Seat down, all the time. Problem solved! Ladies, considered yourselves considered!
You know, I even endured the mockery of pretty much all of my male friends and acquaintances, but nevertheless, I persisted.2I maintain that an Elizabeth Warren reference is always warrent-ed. Oh! Somebody stop me! Why? Because I’m a man of ----- character, that’s why!
Anyway, that’s not the point of the story. The point is, I believe I’ve discovered some sort of beautifully twisted symmetry in this Universe: all males should be TERRIFIED of the bizzarro/inverse scenario. Have you ever stopped to consider what might happen with the lid is down unexpectedly, hmmm?
Let’s just say it’s…uh, “disorienting” to scurry to the bathroom for a quick pee in the middle of the night, only to have your family jewels forcefully squashed up your ass by a cold and unforgiving toilet lid. Well, one of the jewels, at least…
I find this turn of events rather disheartening, indeed: my goodwill towards my fellow toilet-users has come back and ungratefully bit me in the ass.
Bit me with my own dang gonad, no less…
As the youths on the Twitter would say:
#IAmPrettySureThisIsNotHowKarmaIsSupposedToWork
I’ll leave y’all to ponder the cruelties of the Universe and/or develop a previously non-existent phobia of toilet lids with a little clip from the YouTubes. To all of those selfless and considerate ever-sitting men out there, this one goes out to you…
Content created on: 8 October 2017 (original Tweets) & 14 January 2020 (Sun/Thurs)
Footnotes & References:
Leave a Reply