So you’ve finally decided to take the plunge and expand your family, eh? But before you go and make any rookie mistakes that might doom your young’uns to a life of ignominy and infamy, here are 10 quick and easy pointers to help you help them get started down the path to prosperity instead…
Part Un: Preparing For And Procuring Your Pet
1. Do It “For All The Right Reasons”
Just like having kids in an attempt to save a marriage, getting pets for the wrong reasons can come back and bite you in the ass. For example, you may think this is a good way to teach your children responsibility, but be warned that will probably just end with one or more resentful adults in your household.
It is therefore critical that you have righteous motivations for your decision. If you want to rest easy at night, save yourself the heartache and choose from one of the following to justify your new lifestyle:
- Companionship: Because making new friends is ----- hard.
- Stress relief: Petting a furry family member can be quite therapeutic.
- Family memories: You had the joy of growing up with pets. Why deprive your kids of that?
- Paranormal sentry: Many people get way into real ghost stories and become paranoid that supernatural entities may be watching them while they sleep, but have formulated a theory that animals experience reality at multiple quantum resonant frequencies which allows them to see disembodied spirits from parallel dimensions that aren’t normally observable at the resonant frequency of the average human brain, thus making them excellent watch-cats.
2. Let Others Do The Leg Work
Now that you’re confident expanding your household is the right move, it’s time to make your dreams a reality. Many people make the mistake of trying to handle the impregnation and carrying of a kitten to full term themselves. But this is extremely difficult and requires technology that hopefully will never be invented. Don’t work hard–work smart: let somebody else do all the heavy lifting for you and adopt!
3. Buy In Bulk
Let’s be honest: nobody would choose to be an only child if they were actually given the choice, so why inflict unnecessary suffering if you can avoid it? Adopting brothers/sisters or a bonded pair of feline buddies may cost you more, but will pay off in the long run, as the natural sibling rivalry will toughen them up for the cruel world that awaits them. Also, the assholes at most adoption agencies won’t let you take a singleton kitten home with you, even if you wanted…
Part Deux: Choosing The Purr-fect1Go ahead and call the Pun Police on me. See if I care. Names
Acquiring the cats was the easy part. Now for the truly hard part: giving them names that will make them winners in life. After all, you plan on living vicariously through them, don’t you?
To demonstrate how to go about this daunting task, consider the curious case of these two cats: Flotsam–aka Brett (Figure 1) and his sister, Alana–aka Rylee (Figure 2). Cute cats, yes, but let’s not ignore the elephant in the room. The cold hard truth is that they’re guaranteed to go absolutely nowhere in life with loser names like those. Let’s see if we can fix that…
4. Listen When The Universe Speaks…
Inspiration is all around you, if you only choose to look and listen. Take the time to carefully observe your new housemates. What/who do they look like? Sound like? Smell and/or taste like? Now close your eyes, clear your mind, and say the first ten names/phrases that come to mind. Congratulations! Now you and your co-parent have narrowed your name argument down from (1/2 x infinity) possibilities, to just 10!
Now let’s apply this principle to sweet ol’ Rylee. Despite looking like a clone of a previous pet and tasting like salty chicken feathers when licked, it just makes too much sense not to go with this little kitten’s most distinguishing feature…
“Alana”? Nope! “Rylee”? See ya later, you bougie-ass name! Ladies and Gentlemen, meet…Checkers! Because, uh…you know, the whole mouth-thingy…
5. …But Don’t Go For Looking Signs That Just Aren’t There
Like with any pair of siblings, parents tend to expend all their creative and emotional energies on the first one, seemingly giving the other one the short end of the stick. This is normal, so don’t feel bad about it. Pat yourself on the back for the job well done on Number One, and realize that efficient pragmatism has its value in life as well.
In practice, this means that the Pet Formerly Known As Brett is going to get the name he’s going to get and he’s going to have to learn to live with it. Buddy, you don’t necessarily look like a “Chess”, but, hey, we’ve got other important shit to do today.
6. Pets Are People, Too!
Now that you have their nicknames settled, you can decide what those cute monikers will be “short for.” This is your chance to truly give them the dignity all members of your clan deserve, so let’s start by giving them your last name–a solid choice, and frankly, a no-brainer.
Oh, and speaking of last names that end in “-on,” the inherit renown they bestow make them excellent candidates for first names as well. I dare you to tell me that Chesterfield Anderton and Checkerson Anderton2Not their real last name. But close… don’t sound regal af to you–you simply can’t!
7. Seek Inspiration From The Written Word
If they’re going to be distinguished in life, it is imperative to chooses names that help distinguish your wee ones from all the other “Emmas” and “Evas” in their kindergarten class. If you’re not sure where to start, French literature can provide an absolute abundance of options for high-falutin and uncommon names.
In fact, a renowned author’s last name always makes for a very memorable first name. I mean, how could you ever forget a Flaubert3https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gustave_Flaubert Checkerson or Dumas4https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexandre_Dumas Chesterfield Anderton5Again, their last name has been changed to protect the privacy of the minors. once you’ve met them?
8. You Gotta Keep ‘Em Complicated
A great way to make your kids–er, I mean, ‘kittens’–seem more interesting to strangers than they really are is to require them to recite a short novella every time they have to explain that their legal name and the name they go by aren’t exactly the same thing. Your parents hoisted such a burden onto your shoulders; it’s only right that you pass that burden down to the next generation.
When down the road they’re at a fancy conference of professionals, they will no doubt be thanking you for this automatic ice-breaker:
“So, I saw on your LinkedIn profile that you’re listed as Flaubert Checkerson ‘Checkers’ Anderton.6’Anderton’ is merely a nom de plume, people! How interesting!”
“Well, it’s a funny story actually…”
“Oh, that’s okay, I don’t need to hear–“
“…you see, my parents didn’t want me to lead an average life…”
9. Throw In A Dash Of Prestige…
With full names in hand, you’re finally ready to put the finishing touches on your masterpieces before introducing the kiddies to the rest of the world. If your looking to really up your name game, you can channel your favorite pretentious author and insist that people refer to them by their first initials and full middle names.
You can already hear it now, can’t you: “…and the Nobel Prize in Literature goes to…F. Checkerson Anderton!7Not. Her. Real. Last. Name. Amazing! This is the first time in history that one family has produced winners of the Nobel and Pulitzer Prizes in the same year. You folks at home may recall that her, brother, D. Chesterfield Anderton,8You do understand the concept of changing names to protect the innocent, right? took home journalism’s highest accolade but a few months ago…”
10. …But Lastly, Keep Them Humble
Nobody likes a pompous prick. Nobody. To keep the haters at bay and your kits’ egos in check, it is highly recommended to throw in at least one slightly degrading detail before you close up the epithet shop for the day.
You never know when such attention to detail might come in handy. For example, if you ever catch F. Checkers trying to tell her kiddie kollege friends that her name “is pronounced ‘Flow-Bear’, like that old pervy French novelist,” don’t hesitate to step in and put her in place with a firm rebuke such as “Don’t listen to her bullshit! It rhymes with ‘Robert’, like that one renowned 21st-century American blogger. I knew I should have named her Flauberta instead…”
And of course, if you ever hear D. Chesterfield claiming “the D is for ‘Doo-Maw’ like that other old French guy,” you can remind him that he will always and forever be nothing but a “Dumb-Ass.”
Content created on: 13 & 23 January 2021 (Weds/Sat)
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