Sometimes I fancy myself a bit of a guardian angel:
Unseen, but always looking out for unsuspecting fine young honeys everywhere…
One of the wonderful benefits of riding public transportation to and from one’s job is that you get to meet all sorts of new and interesting people. For example, a few years ago, I was waiting at my usual bus stop waiting to head home after work. There I was, just minding my own business when one such new and interesting fella approached me. I could see hunger in his eyes, so I was fully expecting him to ask me for some money for food.
Instead, he proceeds to launch into this long and complicated tale that started out like any other “I need bus and/or gas money to get from Point A (our current location) to Point B (a very important place that I need to be most urgently).” I sat there and smiled and nodded politely, not paying close attention at first because, hey, if you’ve heard one of these stories, you’ve heard ’em all, right?
As you can imagine, his request was indeed for money for the bus fare so he could get himself on over to the neighboring city in a most expedient manner. “But what such pressing matters could there be for this young chap in the neighboring city?” you are indubitably wondering right now.
Well, it turns out, there was a “fine young honey”1I can’t remember the exact street slang he used here, but this is a pretty good approximation. in that city impatiently waiting for him to show up for their second date. And he made it pretty clear that if he didn’t make it in time, they wouldn’t be, um…”pressing [their] matters” together later. I mean, he was nearly in tears as he confided in me his worst fear: that there would be no bumping-of-uglies that night.
Oh, things were starting to make sense now. That hunger I had seen in his eyes? Pure sexual hunger. This dude wasn’t asking for gas money; he was asking for ass money.
But the best part was that he tried the classic empathy-inducing “We’ve all been there, right?” line on me.
No, dude, I can’t say I’ve been in your shoes. I have never had to beg strangers for bus money so I could make it to a 2nd-date booty call.
Though I gotta confess, I was tempted to give him the money, as I felt him more than deserving of points for honesty and/or creativity.
Trying to keep my professional demeanor I suppressed my grin as I told him I didn’t have any cash on me and sent him on his way. In the end, I really had to think of that poor young woman. I actually had enough cash to cover his bus fare, but I didn’t have enough to cover what he really should be spending his money on: rubbers.2Kids, this what people used to call condoms, believe it or not.
#DontWantNoScrubs3This tale was initially live-tweeted to my secret Twitter account, so #hashtags make much more sense in that context. And a few select people out there will appreciate this hashtag include in the original tweet: #Gintus.
Moments after this encounter, while I was busy patting myself on the back for helping that young lady dodge a bullet, I noticed the randy lad approach another regular bus stop patron who had just walked up.
I happened to be within earshot, so I got to listen in as he solicited this other guy. After the Scrub-Looking-For-A-Sensual-Rub finished his pathetic plea for ass-money, Guy #2 replied he had just spent his last bit of cash buying crackers at the nearby gas station for another guy who had asked him for money.
“But next time,” he reassured the Scrub, “I promise I’ll buy you some crackers.”
Clearly, this was not the outcome our pitiful supplicant was hoping for.
Before stomping off in disgust, he loudly muttered:
“Man, I don’t want no crackers!”
Now that I can relate to…
#DontWantNoCrackers
Content created on: 12 October 2017 & 17 December 2020 (Thurs/Thurs)
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