“Man, your brother’s friend is racist. Like really racist.”
Oh, Douglas, what have you done now?
A few days before Labor Day 2007, I got The Call that everyone dreads. My dad, who had been in the hospital in Kansas with lung cancer and pneumonia, wasn’t expected to pull through; I officially needed to haul ass back ASAP if I wanted to say my goodbyes.
My brother that you’re probably most familiar with, One Skinny J (1SJ), lived about 3 hours from me in Virginia, so we had planned on flying out together from RDU as soon as he could make it down here.
So the day before Labor Day, his buddy Doug drove him down to NC. After crashing at my bachelor pad, Doug took us to the airport bright and early around 4:30 the next morning.
Well, things with Dad and the family took longer than expected,1Yes, that should be interpreted in the saddest and heart-breaking way you can imagine. and 1SJ and I ended up staying in Kansas for 2 1/2 weeks before flying back. Even though it had only been 17 days, as you can imagine it seemed like an eternity since I had been in my own bed.
For the return trip, Doug had come straight down from Virginia, picked up 1SJ, and headed straight back. Though I only saw him for a brief moment at the airport, I made sure to thank him for helping us out in our time of grief. He had been a true friend, indeed–a man of unquestionable character, even! At least in my book…
At the time, I was living with two of my friends from my church. Now, not to brag about my [ill-advised] Race-Relations Resume (TM),2Okay, so this actually two separate references. The (TM) was a well-worn inside joke between me and one of the roommates. The Resume was hinted at in I Am White And Here To Be Incredibly White. but we were so ethnically diverse that I was actually the token white guy. Chicken Dinner,3Obviously not his real name. my best friend/partner in crime at the time, was full-blooded Vietnamese, while “Oliver”–more of Chicken Dinner’s friend than mine–was full-blooded American.
And Black. Oliver was Black.
Anyways, Chicken Dinner and I had a lot of catching up to do, especially the part where while I was gone I had decided to propose to the girl I had been dating4Yes, I indeed speak of the once and future Boss Lady. for a full 6 days before I got on that plane to Kansas.
But before I could get to that, he randomly brings up Doug, who he had spent a whole 15 minutes with when he had stayed the night at our place. And he comes out with the charges of blatant racism full force.
“I think you should know that Doug is like, super-racist.”
Well, this conversation took a rather unexpected turn…
“Really?!?” I was almost flabbergasted at the confidence in his statement.
“I mean, sure, Doug is a bit of a white country boy, but then again, so am I,” I continued. “Seriously, what in the ----- are you talking about?”
“Yeah, he threw Oliver’s toothpaste in the trash that night he stayed here. I mean, it was kind of an odd way to express his racism, but hey, at least he gets points for creativity, trashing the Black man’s toiletries, right?”
Oh. My. ----- This shit absolutely made my day. I howled in laughter for A good 5 minutes, desperately trying to catch my breath.
When I finally composed myself enough to form coherent sentences, I explained to Chicken Dinner that no, Doug had not been busy workshopping new forms of micro-aggressions on our unsuspecting roommate of color–it was me! Poor Doug, getting falsely accused of such a heinous act!
No, what had really happened was almost a plotline straight out of NBC’s hit Nineties sitcom Seinfeld. The morning before we flew out we were running late, so I had been in a real rush to get out the door. In the bathroom we all shared, the toiletry cabinet was situated directly above the toilet, and in an unfortunate series of events, I had managed to bump Oliver’s tube of toothpaste just enough to tip it over.
Well, gravity took it from there, and my reflexes weren’t quite quick enough to catch it before it went splashing into the toilet bowl with a dramatic “PLOP!”
Shit. Neither of the roomies were awake yet, and I was really late, so I had no easy way to warn Oliver of his toothpaste’s questionable history before he would indubitably brush his teeth a few hours later (I didn’t have a cell phone at the time, FYI).
Seriously, I had no other choice but to throw it away and figure out a way to let him know what happened when I got the chance. I simply could not live with myself if I had let him use it after its little trip to the potty.
As you can imagine, I totally forget to let one of them know before it completely slipped my mind. Until this conversation that is…
After hearing my alternate theory of what had happened, Chicken Dinner paused for a moment before busting out laughing.
“What’s so funny now?” I inquired suspiciously.
“You know Oliver wasn’t about to let that toothpaste go to waste, so of course he fished it out of the trash. He’s as been using that shitty toothpaste the whole time you’ve been gone!”
Le ooops.
Content created on: 9 September 2020 (Wednesday)
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