“Son, you really gotta stop rubbing-your-dub.”
Welp. This was going to be awkward…
Is it wrong to feel a sense of satisfaction to see yet another beloved children’s nursery rhyme fall from grace?
Okay, maybe “fall from grace” isn’t the right term. Perhaps “really is not child-appropriate at all” or “was about a bunch of perverts” would be more accurate.
Take, for example, the 1798 hit rhyme, “Rub-A-Dub-Dub,” whose original lyrics went something like this:1https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5038237
Hey! rub-a-dub, ho! rub-a-dub, three maids in a tub, And who do you think were there? The butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker, And all of them gone to the fair.
According to that same source,2https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5038237 this is essentially the modern-day equivalent of a tabloid publishing photos of Tom Hanks, Dr. James Dobson,3Of Focus On The Family fame/infamy. & Barack Obama at a strip club. No matter who you are, you would probably be shocked by the moral failings of at least one of those three fellows, amiright?
But, to clear up a misconception4If you work hard enough, you can see how this “spilling your seed on the ground” type of pun. that is most assuredly forming in your mind right now, “rub-a-dub” is not a euphemism for any type of rubbing you might suspect at such a venue of ill-repute, but rather a form of disapproval like “tsk-tsk, you naughty boy”5https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rub-a-dub-dub…
When I was a Sophomore in high school, I was living with my dad and my stepmom “Daisy” out on our farm in rural SW Kansas. I didn’t have my own vehicle, so I often found myself stuck all alone on the farm with nothing to do.
Now, some people are completely content being bored all the time, but I’m not one of them. I’m one of those so-called “creative types.”
The problem with being a creative type who is constantly on the verge of mind-numbing boredom is that so-called “creative juices” tend to get pent up, and thus I was always looking for ways to find some so-called “creative release.”
Given the pre-existing condition of being stuck in the middle of nowhere, combined with a general lack of monetary resources, said release wasn’t always easy to come by. Fittingly, this is where being creative came in handy.
One dreary winter evening I got the notion in my head that nothing would be cooler than making a wax copy of my face. Yeah, I know, pretty awesome, right?
And it was simple enough: all I needed to do was take a couple layers of aluminum foil and press my face into them to make a mold, then burn my scented candle down while pouring the melted wax into that mold, and voila!
It was simple “in theory” at least. I sat there on my bed for a good hour or two trying to create my masterpiece, without seeing a single ounce of success. I don’t recall whether it was the aluminum mold or the recycled wax that was the fatal flaw; I just remember being rather disappointed that it was an utter failure.
Oh well. At least I had given it the ol’ high-school try6This is clearly a play on the phrase “the ol’ college try,” though I’m not sure what the hell that means either… …
A month or so later, my dad and I were having a random conversation when the topic of laundry somehow came up. It puzzled me, then, why all of a sudden he got an embarrassed look on his face.
“I didn’t want to say anything, but…Daisy was in your room last week and decided to do you a favor and wash your sheets and bedspread.”
“Aw, that was thoughtful of her…”
“But, um…she said, um…she said she discovered, er…crusty ‘stains’ all over your comforter…”
“Wait, what?”
“Now son, I’m not one to judge…”
“WAX! IT WAS WAX, DAMMIT!”
“…but it’s kinda rude to the woman who does your laundry when you–“
*Buries face in hands*
“Let me stop you there, Dad. I was making candles, okay? I was making candles on my bed and spilled some red wax. How could she have even mistook that for–“
“It’s okay, you don’t have to lie about what every boy your age does…”
*Under my breath* “Shit. They think that I like to rub-a-dub-dub with reckless abandon all over my room. I’ve forever soiled my reputation, haven’t I?”
“I’m sure you were just ‘making candles,’ wink wink. I suppose I should at least give you points for creativity…”
Content created on: 3 September 2020 (Thursday)
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