“I’m sorry sir, but I can’t find your location anywhere on my map.”
At that point I was all but certain that I was stuck in the Twilight Zone. Probably the episode entitled “The Middle of Nowhere ” at that…
Last week, I left you with a real cliffhanger at the end of The Little Engine That Could Not GIve A ----- , and out of respect for those who have not read that just yet, ima pause right here while you go read it and get up to speed. That’s okay–the rest of us don’t mind waiting.
Okay! And…we’re back.
To refresh everyone’s memories, when we last left off, the Boss Lady and I were transporting her car halfway across the country on a 1500+ mile road trip in order to gift it to a family member before we moved to Hawai’i (see Figure 1).
We were confident that Kansas would be the place where our beloved ’98 Honda Civic was destined to live out the rest of its years, in faithful service to a hand-selected loved one. But as you know, within a mile of our semi-final destination (a day at the Morton County Fair) and with the Kansas state line a stone’s throw away (see Figure 2), our car decided to give us the middle finger and die alongside the road after overheating.
So there we sat, hoping that our breakdown would be but a temporary setback and that we would not miss out on too much of our special day at the Fair. Eventually a passerby stopped and lent us some jugs of water, which I promptly turned around and used to quicken the engine-cooling process.
“Keeeeer-RACK!” said The Little Engine.
“Oh, EXPLETIVE,” I gently gasped under my breath.
I feared that, in addition to not listening to the Boss Lady the day before when she expressed concern about the water level in the radiator, I had made Unforced Error #2: introducing water into the engine’s system before it was cool1Obligatory hipster reference goes here. enough, and had perhaps cracked a head. I gotta admit there was a lot of regret and self-hate encapsulated in that moment.
But all was not lost just yet.
One thing I had left out in my recounting of The Little Engine was that, in anticipation of our early August trip across half of the North American continent, I had shrewdly decided to upgrade our AAA membership.
It seemed like it would be worth the extra $80 or so once I realized that the Basic Membership only covered towing for a meager 3 miles–because 3 miles ain’t jack shit when you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere! However, with the Gold Membership came the peace of mind that we would at least be towed to a repair station if anything happened, assuming that we weren’t more than 75 miles from civilization at that point.
And in this moment it was feeling just a bit ironic that, after investing that $80, we ended up needing it when we were well within 3 miles of several Elkhart-based auto shops.
But since we had that fancy Gold Membership, I figured we might as well use it, right? Nothing that a quick call to the toll-free number on the back of my beautiful golden-colored AAA card couldn’t fix, right…right?
“Good morning! Thank you for calling Triple-A Roadside Assistance! Could I have your location please?”
“Uh, hi. Yes, I was needing a tow truck…I’m just outside Elkhart, Kansas.”
“Ok, sir, this is North Carolina AAA. I’ll need to transfer you to Kansas AAA. Please hold for one moment, mmmkay?”
“Sure. I ain’t going anywhere.”
“Good morning! Thank you for calling Kansas Triple-A Roadside Assistance! Can I have your location please?”
“Hi there. Yes I’m just on the outskirts of Elkhart.”
“Excellent, yes, I can help you with that! Could you be more specific?”
[Runs back to double check the small state highway we had just turned off of.]
*Lightly panting* “We’re right at the intersection of Highways 56 and, uh…looks like 95?”
*Tapping on a keyboard, followed by a good 2 minutes of silence.*
“I’m sorry sir, but I can’t find that anywhere on my map.”
“Oh, yeah, sorry about that. That’s Oklahoma Highway 95.”
*More silence.*
“Sir, I see that you are actually in Oklahoma then. I’ll need to transfer you to Oklahoma AAA.”
“Really? But I’m essentially in Kansas. I’m staring at the “Welcome to Elkhart” sign right now. In fact, if you’ll just hold for 15 seconds while I cross the highway, and…there! I’m physically touching the sign. How about now?”
“I’m sorry, sir–“
“Seriously? You can’t send a tow truck from Elkhart? They would be here in like 3 minutes.”
“I won’t be able to help you at all as long as the car is located in Oklahoma, and it sounds like it is. Do you mind holding while I transfer you?”
“Do I have a choice at this point? Sure, why not? Transfer me yet again.”
At that point I hoped they could hear me rolling my eyes over the phone, cuz I was rolling them hard.
“Good morning! Thank you for calling Oklahoma Triple-A Roadside Assistance! Can I have your location please?”
“Okay, so I know I’m technically in Oklahoma, but I’m just a few feet from Elkhart, Kansas, and I was wondering if you could send out a tow truck from there.”
“Sure! I can help you with that! I need to know where in Oklahoma you are though, sir.”
“Good lord, man! How hard can this be?!? Isn’t like, ‘making maps’ half of what y’all do? “
*Hard sigh*
I’m not really sure how I was expecting them to respond to my clearly growing frustration. Nevertheless I paused for a second to collect myself before continuing.
“Ok, whatever dude…I’m at the intersection of Highways 56 and 95…just right outside Elkhart, KS.”
*Tapping on a keyboard, followed by a good 2 minutes of silence.*
“Ok! Good news, sir: I have found your location on my map, and it looks like we got a truck in Keyes that can be in there in about 45 minutes.”
“Now why on God’s green earth would you send me a truck all the ----- way from Keyes? I ----- near literally have one foot in Kansas. Just send me a truck from Elkhart already!”
For context, here’s a little geographical graphical reminder borrowed from The Little Engine (Figure 3):
“Oh, hold on one second…”
“This better be good news…”
“Yes, I see. My system was just refreshed and it looks like it might be an hour before the truck gets there now.”
“I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!”
“I’m sorry you feel that way, sir. Do you want me to send the truck or not?”
“This is insane. You know what? NO. You know why? Because you people have not one ----- ounce of common sense amongst the lot of you.”
“Uh…so that’s a ‘no’ then?”
“Look, because of your collective dumbassery, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m just gonna have to go all Grand Master Flash2Ahh, so that’s what the title is all about: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLs2hv6f3Kw up in here and PUSH THE ----- THING ACROSS THE STATE LINE MYSELF. You happy now? Then it will be Kansas AAA’s problem then! Sorry to inconvenience you so.”
“Umm…”
*click*
And for the official record, it was me who hung up on those Triple-A-Holes.
Oh, no friends, this journey ain’t over yet. I mean, we still haven’t even made it to Kansas yet, now have we?
Please, won’t you join us next week, when I’m pretty sure I can delivery on the double promise of resolution and a moral of the story.
I think I can…I think I can…I think I can…wrap it up and finally get to the proverbial point of the story.
*Long silence*
It’s, uh…it’s a reference to the classic book from our childhoods, The Little Engine That Could.3In case you didn’t catch onto the fact that is where the title of the last post came from. You know, The Little Engine That Could…Not Give A ----- You get it now, right? Perfect. Humor conveyed; mission accomplished. Please laugh.4Be sure to watch with the captions on: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdCYMvaUcrA
Content created on: 14 August 2020 (Friday)
Footnotes & References:
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