I love Venn diagram references. Not Venn diagrams themselves, just referencing them. The more asinine, the better, I say.
So why am I talking about them today? Because, my very important thoughts today reside in that magical intersection between the 3 circles comprised of:
–Unsung Human Achievements;
–Things That Are Best Said Upfront; and
–Projects That Are Really Not Worth Anyone’s Time Yet Ima Invest My Time In Them Anyway (see Figure 1).
You know who I have utmost respect for? Those few lucky bastards whose job it is to “edit movies for content” so they can be shown on regular old TV. Have you ever watched a movie [on TV] where the line spoken is a tad incongruous in relation to the situation portrayed on screen? And come to think of it, the pitch of the voice doesn’t quite match up either… Sometimes, it might be so subtle that it may just sit in the back of your brain, quietly scratching away at your sanity. If so, then those bastards are doing their jobs right.
If you haven’t guessed by now, I’m talking about the thoughtful art of trying to censor a movie without the viewer noticing. This isn’t the brain-dead bleeping and blurring produced by the vast majority of FCC-Compliance Officers. No, this is where obscene words and phrases are gracefully rewritten and dubbed in over the naughty bits. You’ll even occasionally find a master truly dedicated to their craft who will go beyond the call of duty and photoshop frames in the movie to maintain consistency.1https://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/7-hilarious-ways-badass-movie-lines-got-ruined-by-tv-censors/,2https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePB8ZOv–bE
(NOTE: this clip somehow missed the visual censorship. See: 4) The truth is, though, that they usually fail, and when they do, it is wonderfully, stupidly, SPECTACULAR. Personally, I don’t think these achievements are celebrated enough.
For example, do you know what happens when you find a Stranger in the Alps? Take a look for yourself:
Ahhhh! It kills me every time! Anyways, it might be confusing if you haven’t seen the Big Lebowski, but that’s what happens when you ----- a stranger in the ass. (Sorry, mom! #NSFM) Makes more sense, right? Right. Whoever wrote the censored line? A ----- genius. Now at this point, we’re no doubt asking ourselves, “How can little ol’ me make a difference in this world and help this humble hero become more widely recognized for what they have achieved?”
Well, I’m glad you asked that. I’m not going to answer that right now, but I’m glad you asked nonetheless.
Since we all already know the importance of context,3See: Lawnmower Man we can turn our attention to Circle #2 to see what insight it might provide.
Y’all should just know right now: I’m gonna cuss up here on this distinguished website. Hide your children, get out your earmuffs, clutch your pearls. Do whatever you feel you need to do. You’ve been warned.
“But why must it be this way?” you ask. Well, I will answer that one for you.
For the longest time, one of the key factors holding me back from going all-in on being a writer was how to handle the urge and/or necessity to swear. I was seriously conflicted on this point. On one hand, I didn’t want to displease anyone, the least of which my mother–God knows she would find a way to read anything I’ve written that has found its way to the public domain.4https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTRKCXC0JFg
On the other hand…well, a key tenant of my whole schtick is unnatural levels of honesty, and to be honest, I cheapen my vocabulary and lose the respect of my peers by spending my cussing currency so freely . (FWIW, my Spirit Animal is most definitely a pirate. But I digress…)
One can’t be lukewarm in such matters; I’ve been down that road before (Figure 2a). My take-away from those early blogging days was that you don’t half-ass this shit. You go for the gold, or you keep your ----- mouth shut. “Friggin”? Seriously, what was I thinking?
Anyways, the point of the story being that if I was ever going to truly write at the level of which I dreamt, I had to stop being a panty-waste5https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTRKCXC0JFg (or is it “panty-waist”?) and commit to one side or the other, even if it meant offending the sensibilities of a significant portion of the potential readership. If not for me coming to peace with public displays of profanity, this blog would never have happened, so…you’re welcome?
Now, finally, let me tie this all together. Included in my dreams for this little adventure upon which we find ourselves embarking is the documentation of many an endeavor of dubious value . One such time-sink happens to be the answer to the question which I posed to myself on your behalf a few paragraphs ago. I am moderately hopeful that I will get around to making a handy little WordPress plug-in for all you Parties6The censors missed a spot on the license plate (Figure 3). out there who would find the absence of potty words to enhance your experience here. I envision a button you press in settings that will, thanks to the power of technology, 1) identify the dirty words scattered throughout my writings, 2) compare those found to a database of TV censorship substitutions scraped from the internet, and 3) replace the offender with its Travestic7Yes, this is actually proper use of the word “travesty”. Don’t believe me? Look it up in a dictionary. I’ll wait… Doppelgänger (TM), randomly selected if more than one option is available, of course. Bonus feature of no value: include footnotes citing the source movie. Sound good? You bet it does. So, which of you fangirls wants to get the Kickstarter setup? Thanks in advance!
Welp, that’s all for now, talk to you Melon Farmers later!
Content created on: 1 July 2019 (Monday)
Footnotes & References:
I still fail to understand your need for profanity in the first place. Is it an anger issue & swearing is letting off steam? Have you stopped to understand it yourself?
By the way, the term is panty waist, referring to a man wearing his slacks or whatever at the level on the waistline that most females wear theirs, rather than lower on the hips like most men.
Oops, miss-spelled my name but don’t know how to edit it.
Hello, Mother.
Mistakes will be made. I find them to be more beautiful than perfection, often times. So let’s embrace it.
Like that one time you meant to text me “added up”, but you accidentally sent me a message containing the line “asses up”. That was a very special moment in my life…
Hello, Mother.
First, Praise The Lordy Je-jus! What a delightful surprise to have YOU be the one to educate my inquisitive mind as to the proper spelling, use, and etymology of “panty waist”. I was seriously leaning towards the interpretation that it meant waste that would be found in dirty panties. So, thanks for setting me {and all kinds of point of the story readers] straight on that.
As to me being a fountain of profanity: there are many scientific studies that link heavy use of profanities to extremely high levels of creativity. Though I do wonder if they know what the ----- they’re talking about. I’m of the opinion that with my intense level of verbosity, I need to get as much mileage out of every word in the English language as possible. And even sometimes I might have to resort to Spanish, or German, or Korean…