As I write this, the western half humanity is only moments away from saying goodbye to the decade that was the 2010s and welcoming in 2020 and beyond.
I find myself going back and forth between whether or not I’m supposed to be doing something sacred and meaningful to bring closure and completeness to the last 10 years.
History is typically a good first draft of a guide, so I that got me to thinking, “Well, how the heck did I close out the first decade of the 2000s?”
It took awhile and little bit of detective work, but I was finally able to reconstruct my final moments of 2009.
Turns out, tonight will mark an important milestone for me as a physicist: it will be my “tin, aluminum” anniversary1https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wedding_anniversary#Celebration_and_gifts of submitting my first scientific paper!
Well, sort of.
You see, back in 2009, I was in the middle of my 6-year stint as a graduate student. I had spent a good half of that year trying to write my first paper, and it just seemed to be this endless churning month after month.
As the year wound down, my professors and I had worked our way through the 7th, 8th, and 9th revisions of the paper. Though it was never obvious to us, slowly but surely, the story it had been lacking was slowly congealing into something presentable.
I had received that 9th revision back when I went into work on December 30th. As I looked over it, I realized “Holy shit. I think it’s finally ready to be submitted!”
Honestly, this came as a complete surprise to me, as it had just seemed to be the Paper That Wouldn’t Die. I think a part of me expected to still be ----- with it 10 years on, so all in all this was a wonderful revelation.
I spent the rest of that day putting the finishing touches on it, and decided I would work a short day on New Year’s Eve, just long enough to get it officially submitted.
This was a pretty exciting thought, that I would be able to officially have it timestamped with “2009.” Some journals even go by the submission date when determining the year of publication for the official record,2Okay, okay. To the few published scientists out there reading this: ya got me. I don’t think any journals go by submission date. However, since this was my first rodeo, it is entirely possible I believed this to be the case. so it would be a badge of honor I could wear with pride, an immovable token signifying that I had actually accomplished something tangible that year.
New Year’s Day I rolled up into the lab all hopped up on adrenaline. Today was going to be the day. I could feel it.
So here’s a fun fact about the academic world that I learned that day: even with a complete manuscript in hand and ready to go, there is always a surprising amount of bullshit and/or red tape between you and finally pressing the Submit button.
It also didn’t help that I was going rogue just a wee bit. I knew that if I brought the professors back in for any of the process it would just add an extra 3-4 days to the whole thing, so I had made the executive decision to pull the trigger. My paper, my choice, right?
Anyways, the day continued to tick away as I made my way through the labyrinth of online submission forms, and so around 3 pm I decided that I was close enough to being done that it made more sense to go home and wrap it up from there.
Oh, what an ignorant chap3”Ignorant slut.” That’s the term I really want to use. It’s okay, right? I’ve seen it used freely on broadcast TV so it has to be somewhat acceptable now, ya? I was.
Once home, I got back to work, always seemingly 5 minutes away from washing my hands of the matter and being able to relax and enjoy ringing in the new decade with The Boss Lady.
Almost done…almost done…always, “almost done.”
While I sat on the couch, furiously pounding away at the laptop, my companion literally tired of waiting for me and fell into a deep slumber beside me.
But the finish line was RIGHT THERE. It wasn’t a mirage, I was certain of it. All I had to do was persevere, put my head down, and power through the pain. I was too close to admit defeat.
The evening hours evaporated away and when I finally glanced up at the clock, I found myself in the 11th hour.
Actually, it was 11:51 to be exact. And this time, I was pretty sure that there really was only 5 minutes left.
Focused like never before, I clicked that trackpad with certainty and an imperial sense of destiny.
Two-thousand nine in the year of our Lord was going to be the year that I submitted my first paper. Nothing was going to stop me.
Crap–11:57 and I still had a few more fields to go. But there was no time to stop and think–only do and click.
The clock hit 11:59 and I was…almost…there.
SUBMIT!
I had done it!!! I immediately turned on the TV just in time to see D1ck4Stupid ----- censorship plugin wants you to only read ----- Clark instead, hence the numbers-for-letters baloney. Clark and the rest of Time’s Square chanting “…9…8…7…”5OMFG, I had no idea what I just missed until putting this post together. Apparently all the real fun happened right before 9: https://www.thedailybeast.com/dick-clark-flubs-new-years-countdown. I. Can’t. Even.
I turned to the Boss Lady and shook her awake, fully expecting her to share in my jubilation while the last seconds of the decade ticked away.
“I did it! I really did it! I got my paper submitted in 2009! Now, how about a big ol’ sloppy victory kiss?”
I went in to redeem that kiss I had just promised myself, only to be met with a healthy dose of Side-Cheek of Rejection.
ACCESS DE-NIED.
Um, yeah…so it turns out that putting off a beautiful woman who only wanted to spend a romantic evening with you and instead ignoring all reason to focus on a completely arbitrary deadline…listen well, Young Grasshoppers: that is not the way to turn a woman on. Or even endear yourself to them. In any way. At all.
She more or less told me that if I loved my ----- paper so much than I could kiss that instead. Ouch.
The victory I had worked so hard for wasn’t tasting so sweet any more, now was it?
Oh, and the best part? I got an email from the journal a few days later, kindly informing me that they only accept submissions from current Ph.D holders.
“But what does that even mean?” you may be wondering.
It means that, as a grad student working on–but still a few years away from–a Ph.D., my submission was totally invalid, and that I would have to have one of my professors start up the submission process afresh…in 2010, obviously.
In the end, the paper didn’t even get its 2009 submission timestamp–the one prize I was really after.
The Universe has one ----- up sense of humor, that’s all I gotta say.
Anyways, the point of the story is this:
As you near the countdown,
Please, put the computer down.
Young man, don't be daft--
Put away that final draft!
And never leave your dear wife waiting,
Unless, of course, you prefer...
Remember what’s important is the people in your life and the moments you share with them.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to play bubbles with my 2-year-old and enjoy a round of Uno with the Elder.
Happy 2020, my ninjas!
Content created on: 31 December 2019 (Tues)
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