Physics Is My Middle Name

Ok, so my middle name really isn’t “Physics.”

It was all just marketing.

You see, when I was an undergraduate at Kansas State, there was a solid 3 semesters in which I was a Secondary Education major. Yes, I had actually convinced myself that I was destined to be a high school physics teacher. It seems that the only person I’m actually capable of lying to is myself…or maybe I’m the only person gullible enough to believe me when I do lie? Hmmph. Never thought of that second option…

But I digress.

At some point during this self-delusional period of my college career, I decided to try to make a little money on the side by tutoring students in the freshman-level physics classes.

Being the master marketing wizard that I am, I slightly overcompensated for my mediocre understanding of the fundamentals of the topic, and chose a very subtle and nuanced email address to put on the flyers which were to advertise my services.

“Need a physics tutor? I can help! Email B.J. at physicismymiddlename@*******.com!”

Of course I was making an attempt at being mildly witty–I wasn’t taking myself super-seriously in selecting that name.

And apparently no one else was, either. It only took half a session for my first (and last) physics protege to realize $12 an hour was somehow simultaneously way too low, yet way too high of a price tag for my tutelage.

The point here is that when it comes to setting a price for your time or expertise, try to come up with as fair of a number in your mind as you can.

Then triple it.

Don’t feel bad about lying to yourself about how much you’re worth–the dirty truth is that clients want to be lied to.

I would have probably had much more success advertising a rate of $35/hour–an amount that says “I’m in high demand,” which, in the minds of potential tutees, is eagerly conflated with “he must provide a quality service if he’s in such high demand!”

So what I would really have been selling is my confidence. False or not, that is a lie most people are willing to buy.

But, noooo, I chose to sell the patently absurd lie that my parents legally burdened me with Physics as a middle name. Even I’m not that gullible.

A few autumns later, after I cured myself of the notion that I should be a teacher in any professional capacity, I made the move from Kansas to North Carolina to pursue an advanced degree in physics. #HumbleBrag

My bedroom at the new place had the walls painted the awfullest yellow with trim covered in the least complimentary blue possible,¹It is possible for blue and yellow to be beautiful together; an excellent example of this is the flag of my ancestral Viking homeland, Sweden. so upon arrival in the new land, the very first order of business was to repaint that atrocious eye sore.

Fortunately, a couple of my Kansas friends had come along to help me move all my large furniture out, so there was three of us to tackle the paint job.

Now, when anyone helps you move or paint, it is customary to provide pizza as a token of gratitude. So once I got my friends up and running with the paint, I ducked out to find a local pizza place to procure some ‘preciation pie.

It being a college town, this was no problem at all, and I soon found myself ordering from a little joint called Amante’s…

Amante’s cashier: “…and can I get a name for that order?”

Me: “Sure! B.J.”

Amante’s cashier: “Uh…major?”

Me: “Physics.”

Amante’s cashier [quizzically]: “Physics?”

Me: “Yup! Physics!”

Amante’s cashier [with confused look on her face]: “Okaaaaaay.”

As I sat down and waited for my order to be ready, I ran the interaction through my mind, trying to figure out why something had seemed a little bit off about it.

I didn’t think it would be too unbelievable that I would be a Physics major, yet the cashier seemed oddly skeptical. Certainly I couldn’t have been the first person to take their back-to-school survey to have claimed that as their area of study.

Was it that I was blonde? Was I being stereotyped?

Was it my Viking-esque lion’s mane? Did my wild hair make me look too brutish to be a member of the intellectual elite?

These were interesting theorems in their own right, but still seemed to inadequately explain what had happened.

A few minutes later an employee came out from the back of the shop carrying a take-out box.

Employee: “Uh…’Physics’? I have a pizza for…Physics…I guess?”

Me: “Why do I have sneaky suspicion that must be mine?”

I opened the box and sure enough it was the pizza I had ordered, yet it had a sticker on it that said “Name: Physics.”

Driving back to my new place, I finally pieced together what the hell had happened.

She wasn’t asking for my major–she was asking if my name was ‘Major’.

My ----- big-ass lips had foiled me yet again: I said “B.J.”, yet she had heard “Major,” and was trying to figure out if she had heard me right. True, Major is not a common name, but at least it is a first name some people actually have.²For example…https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_(given_name)

As if her cognitive dissonance wasn’t great enough, I then reply with a completely different and even less believable name of “Physics.”

That look on her face that I couldn’t quite put my finger on? She was trying to figure out why in the world I was clearly lying to her about my name…and why the ----- I would choose such a ridiculous fake name.

The situation is exponentially absurd when you consider that, according to the throne of lies I sat upon at that point, I was claiming that both my first and middle names were Physics.

Any parent who would name their kid Physics Physics is somehow simultaneously way too creative, yet way too uncreative…

Anyways, when I get back to the house, my friend Andrew took one hard long look at the pizza box.

Andrew: “Who the ----- is Physics?”

Me: “It’s a long story… Maybe we should just go ahead and load all my stuff back up. I think I may have grossly over-estimated my own intelligence…”

The point of the story is Physics may not actually be that bad of a name, considering that my current moniker 1) just seems to generate confusion and delay when combined with the power of my big, juicy, mumbling lips, and 2) is a synonym for fellatio.

Oh, wait, that last one is the point of the next story…

Content created on: 5 December 2019 (Thursday)

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