I recently had the pleasure of seeing Jerry Seinfeld live, and something he said reminded me how much of an under-rated philosopher1I shit thee not, I have to credit the wisdom of Seinfeld for my marriage to a woman waaaaaay out of my league…one day, Young Grasshopper, I will regale you with that tale… he is:
“Forget the best–if you want to be happy in life, then ask for good enough. I don’t want to eat at the best restaurant–too much pressure and almost inevitable disappointment. Point me to a good enough restaurant and I’ll be 10 times happier.”
Jerome Seinfeld
So in honor of the genius behind “The show about nothing,” and also to throw a bone to the list-loving Bourgeois at there, I present to you 6 random middle-of-the-road Life Tips, in no particular order.
Are they the best Life Tips I have to offer? Ah, hecks, no. But, meh, good enough, right?
Without further ado, I present to you…
- When eating toast, don’t settle for a peasant’s meal–butter both sides of the bread for an instant fancy feast. Because nothing says “damn straight, I’m worth it” like an extra pat of butter…
- Speaking of “butt” and “both sides”…if you have somehow walked through life without being introduced to the pure revelation that are buttwipes, then chances are you’ve been walking through life with some unnecessarily crusty cheeks. Seriously folks, once you go Cottonelle,2Personally, my family uses Kirkland Signature Moist Flushable Wipes, available at your local Costco. you can never go back. I was 26 before my future wife showed me the light, and I seriously wonder how the hell I lived with myself for those first 25 years.
A word of caution though: if you or a loved one own a sceptic tank, you might want to consider trying to get by on half a wipe per flush. My in-laws didn’t use them until the year that the Boss Lady and I lived with them. Five months in and they had to pump the sceptic tank way ahead of schedule. You can imagine my father-in-law was not pleased when out came wad after wad of wipes–it was visceral evidence that our high-falutin’ hygienic habits of the heinie were the reason he was out $2000.
After hearing stories like that, it easy to understand why the packaging for these products are so very adamant about only flushing one at at time–almost rising to a comical level, even. But…PSSST! I have a secret for you: if you find yourself mildly displeased with your job and really want to stick it to The Man, do like I doo-doo, and flush 2 at a time when doing your business at work. That’ll show ’em.
Ahh, the simple guilty pleasures in life… - Are you tired of freezing your ass off after getting out of a nice warm shower? When I was about 7 or so, I realized that the hotter the shower, the more miserable I was when I got out into the air that was now relatively even more cold. It occurred to me that if the hot water was the problem, then logically, ice cold water should be the solution. I soon found myself in the habit of blasting myself with the coldest water possible for as long as I could bear, ~30-60 seconds, right before getting out of the shower–something I’ve done with every single shower I’ve taken since then. It wasn’t until roughly 30 years later before I was made aware of the scientific literature supporting similar practices.3Just google “cold shower circulation” for a selection of references. I guess I was just a boy years ahead of his time…#HumbleBrag?
- Feeling frisky and want to tempt a date with diabetes? Then grab that bottle of Hershey’s syrup, and apply directly to the soda pop of your choice! I personally prefer chocolatinated Dr. Pepper or Pepsi.
- This next tip is courtesy of my beloved mother. It was only in the last few weeks that I learned that she has this ritual of sending a different, typically higher-end, tea bag with the hand-written letters she sends to her long-distance friends, and likewise they do the same. So in addition to reading a heart-warming letter from a dear old friend, they brew up the tea and simultaneously enjoy having their bodies warmed in a delightful new way each time as well. Such a touching and thoughtful gesture is about enough to make me want to dust off my cursive skills and start hand-writing letters to my friends…almost.
- Are your blog posts just too ----- long? Why not just split them in two! No one will ever notice you’re 4 short of a Top-10 list anyways. And as bonus, you’ve already got next Thursday’s post done as well!
And don’t forget to check out our previous Life Tips vis-à-vis hair in the shower, nocturnal nose-picking, and avoiding crappy beer!
Now go and live your #goodenoughlife, dammit–LIVE!
Content created on: 19/20 November 2019 (Tues/Wed)
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