Editor’s note: The original title of this article was “Here is the Introduce of NSFM”, a direct reference to a 4-year-old’s attempt at saying “Introducing…” But, for the sake of sucking suckers in to read this story–present company excluded–it was reverted to the explicit version. As an apology for having to use an editor’s note to tell you about how humorous I was,1I wasn’t. I was just coat-tailing off the kid, if we’re being honest about it. please, enjoy the referenced video if you haven’t already:
Do you ever wonder if George Carlin’s mom was proud of him?
If you’re too young to know who George Carlin was, let me pose that question in the form of a mad lib: Do you ever wonder if [your favorite producer of vulgar content]’s mom is proud of them?
I’ve never understood how these people could say and do such naughty things when they have to know that their mothers will inevitably want to hear/read/watch what their beloved children are doing with their talents. Of course it is entirely possible that they either don’t have a good relationship with their parents or their parents are dearly departed…or both (I’m looking at you, Maynard2“Judith”, A Perfect Circle (2000) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTgKRCXybSM,3https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judith_(song)).
Maybe I just have a poor sample size of nmoms = 3. None of my mother figures give less ----- than me (i.e. they are all more prudent with their words), but I’m sure such speci-women exist.
Or maybe that’s where they got their potty mouths from in the first place. “I learned it by watching you, mom. I learned it by watching you!”4https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUXb7do9C-w
Pop cultural references to futile anti-drug propaganda from the 80’s aside, I’m dead serious about the gravity of this question. There are countless instances in my life when I’ve been paralyzed by the thought “Oh shit. What’s Mom going to think when she sees this?” It’s a real damper on creative thought and boundless thinking.
By no means am I faulting my mother for holding me back because I fear her judgment. On the contrary, when it comes to people with whom she has personal relationships, she is the least judgmental person I know. How to genuinely love and accept people? With all sincerity: “I learned it by watching you, mom. I learned it by watching you!”
So, no, it is not fear that has put these boundaries on my life. It is out of love for the woman who taught me how to love.
Well, actually, there is a bit of fear wrapped up in there. There is legit fear that things I do, say, or think would break her heart. Or embarass the ----- out of her…though I think it was from her that I inherited the CLOS gene.5The Complete Lack of Shame gene. Which, incidentally, is Completely Lacking in Scientific basis, as far as I know.
Anyways, you get the point, right? It’s all basically the old adage: “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?!?”
It’s been a bit of a quandary for me lately. You see, the more I put my various reflections into written form, the clearer it is that this Viking body6Don’t believe me? Here’s a little-known video clip of me from when I studied abroad in 2003. has the soul of pirate. It’s already been established7See: The Alpine Stranger. that this whole blogging project (or whatever the hell it is I’m doing here) only becomes a possibility once I embrace my inner pirate vocabulary.
Further, I’m starting to realize that my subconscience spends a notable time pondering All Things Ass–both figurative and literal. Perhaps you’ve picked up on that, too.
To clarify, though, it’s not so much “ass” in a sexual/pornographic context, rather more along the lines of accepting our butts as a natural and wonderful and functional part of who we are. Too much of our lives is spent being unjustifiably anal8Yes. It is a ----- pun. Very much so indeed. about too many things. I could only hope to be an agent of change in this world in that regards.9As a reward for reading the footnotes: when I die, I hope my headstone reads: “He truly put the ‘ass’ in ‘ambassador’…“
But to do so, I’ll need to be able to have frank conversations. If there were only some way I could spare my mother from hearing all my thoughts about dat ass…
And that brings me to my second, seemingly unrelated point. In the not-too-distant future, I intend to provide further context for the origins of this blog, aka The Story of the Point. Or maybe by the time you’re reading this, I’ve already written about that. The short version is that it is my goal that this becomes my full time job. I.e. I put in effort, and at some point in time I am rewarded with one or more income streams for my family. Daddy needs to get paid, yo.
For me it’s actually been an energizing exercise to try to come up with as many possible ways to make this a profitable endeavor. It really taps into my inner creative problem-solver, which in turn activates key reward circuits in my brain. So basically…its just my way of getting stoned? Hmmm, that’s not really where I expected that stream of consciousness to flow. Pardon the diversion.
The point of the story is–wait, let me provide some truth in advertising here–a point of the story is, I’ve noticed that several podcasts I listen to offer premium content for either a one-time season purchase or in exchange for a reasonably priced monthly subscription. Essentially they’re variations of the “freemium” model.
That got me to thinking: what the hell do I have to offer that could even remotely be considered “premium”? After much thought, I still hadn’t come up with any promising leads.
But then one fateful morning, as I was dutifully washing dat ass in the shower, it hit me: “Eureka, melon farmers! A paywall is the perfect solution to both generating revenue AND shielding Mom from those things she’s better off never having to hear in this lifetime. Having access to all those things I would never dare tell my mom? That, in theory, could fetch a premium.”
So, as Prince might say,10”P Control”, Prince (1995) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoFuwt12ouE “Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and ----- Girls”, introducing a very special, members-only section of this website, NSFM: Not Safe For Mom!
For those of you who don’t immediately appreciate the humor, I suggest cautiously Googling “NSFW”.
Anyways, I think I have explained the concept well enough for now.
The caveat is that there is a very real possibility that not one ----- person would pay for access to NSFM content. So, I’m going to need some brave volunteers–say, the first 5 to respond–to be beta users.
Beta users will get first-look access to NSFM material that I’m planning to release, as I write it. In exchange, I would like some basic feedback, mainly on the content itself, as well as how much would you actually pay for said content ($0 is an acceptable answer).
If interested, email me at bj@thepointofthestory.com with the subject line “NSFM Betas.”
The current plan is to release NSFM content via our budding young Patreon page. Even if you don’t want to hear me riff on taboo/TMI topics, feel free to become a Patron of the Point of the Story. Eventually I will be adding more PG-rated content to reward your ilk.
Business talk aside, I just wanted to wrap this up with a little note to my mom, along with the other parental figures that I will never ever let into NSFM:
Out of love, you fought hard to protect my innocence as I was growing up; I can only hope to do the same for you as you grow older mature with grace and dignity. Heart emoji, heart emoji, winking smiley-face blowing a heart emoji.
Content created on: 23 October 2019 (Wednesday)
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