Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you gave it away.
This year, I’m giving you a semi-random collection of old stories…
Ah, ’tis but the holiday season at long last! And you know what that means, right? Time with family (for better or for worse)…time to take a break (but only if you’re under the age of 12)…time to make memories of a lifetime (and I mean that most sincerely, though now that I think about it, it’s no doubt also a time in whence much lasting childhood trauma is generated)…and, well, in general it’s the most wonderful time of the year, no?
But all that ‘relaxing’ can be pretty draining–however, the masses demand non-stop entertaining! And thus is created that truly hallowed hallmark of the holidays: recycled content. I mean, hey, if Saturday Night Live can get away with showing us the same dang Thanksgiving and Christmas specials year-in and year-out, then why can’t the rest of us?
The good news is that this is the first Christmas-And-Other-Winter-Holidays-Not-Including-Festivus Special to be had in this here part of the internet, so although you may have read these various pieces in the past, this is the first time you get read them again back-to-back. What can I say but “You’re Welcome!”, amiright?
So whenever you need a break from all the hub-bub this particular stretch of days on the calendar brings, just grab your iPhone, iPad, or other handheld entertainment device, and lock yourself in the nearest bathroom, where you can peacefully peruse, in no particular order, the pain-stakingly crafted pieces loosely upon the topic of, um…well…”Christmas And Other Winter Holidays Not Including Festivus”…
6 Min Read
Sure, your mom’s insomnia may be cured. But now you’re the one who can’t sleep at night…
9 Min Read
In some cultures, a boy’s twelfth birthday is a very important rite of passage in his life. In Judaism this is marked with a Bar Mitzvah, in which, in the eyes of his society, he has officially become a man. Although I wasn’t brought up in the Hebrew tradition, I was still pretty excited for […]
6 Min Read
No, not that kind of degeneracy. I’m talking about a much more refined and pretension degeneracy. Now, in quantum physics–and just bear with me for a few seconds–there’s this whole thing about being able to say what quantum state a group of particles1Or, more formally: a system. are in based on the result of some […]
5 Min Read
Sometimes, there are no gifts under the tree. Sometimes, the real gift is the tree itself…
6 Min Read
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, with his Pillow-Sack-Of-Fun…
3 Min Read
Pleased with ourselves that we had Top Secret intel that no one else had, Elmer and I spent the rest of our bus ride dreamily wondering aloud what super-cool toy the Universe would endow upon as at the gift exchange…
9 Min Read
Everybody needs at least one constant truth in their life to keep them sane. For me, that one truth was that I could always count on olives to be intolerably nasty. I knew from an early age that olives and I weren’t going to get along. For example, when I was 9 I had gone […]
3 Min Read
“No! Only I get to stuff the ballot box!” he hissed at me as he grabbed my wrists and wrestled the stack of raffle entries from my hand…
Content created on: 24 December 2023 (Sunday)
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