4 Min Read

He’s so wet, so weak, so powerless–he’s a bachelor in distress.

And if his damsel won’t save him, he’ll just die in this shower, I guess…

“Hey, could you turn down your music while you’re in the shower?”

My Beautiful Bride, lazing on our bed, had popped her head forward enough so I could see that she was talking to me as I disrobed in our maestro bathroom.

I tried not to roll my eyes at this so-called ‘request’. She could phrase it however sweetly she wanted, but we all knew that non-compliance wasn’t an option–a fact that has been a thorn in my side for nigh on 18 years no.

Well, I wasn’t about to let her ruin my daily moment of Zen, so I mumbled a “huh?” as I cranked up Korn on my phone, dropped it in the empty tub for maximum acoustic resonance, and hopped in the shower before the interaction could turn into any sort of discussion.

“Biscuit, please!” I mouthed almost audibly. “I’m going to rock out with my ----- out!”

Basking in the glory of a nice warm shower on a crisp fall day, a sang along in full spirit to one of my go-to personal hygiene Korn tracks.

“Bum-BUM, bah-bah-bum-BUM! Bum-BUM, bah-buh-bum-BUMP!” I crooned as I did my best Feldy impression, slapping my wet bare belly like it was a funky bass guitar. “I’m here stay! Bum-BUM! Bah-bah-bum-BUMP!”

*Turns vocal volume up to eleven*1Rest in Power, Rob Reiner, the world is forever grateful for giving us This Is Spinal Tap…

“I’m here to staaaaaaaaay…“

“Help…Help…Help! Ayuda! HELP!” I cried, with increasing urgency each time My Beautiful Bride unheeded my calls through the now-closed bathroom door.

“What’s that?” she finally responded, still snugly ensconced in the warmth of our marital bed.

“HEEEEEELP! Press ‘Next’–press ‘Next’!” I shouted back frantically.

“What? I can’t hear you over all that racket. I’ll be in there in a second…”

“Please, I beg you: HURRY! I’m suffering here!”

Finally, at long last, I could hear her opening the bathroom door–my salvation was nigh!

“Now what’s all this ruckus ab–“

Before she could finish her sentence, she got a straight blast to the face:

“THIS HUMIDIFIER HAS AN AVERAGE CUSTOMER RATING OF 4.8 ON AMAZON, TAP NOW TO ORDER YOURS TODAY!”

“Where have you been?!?” I gasped, almost in tears. “I’ve been trapped in this ----- shower listening to this clearly-AI-generated 15-minute ad for some ----- humidifier!”

“Wait, what? That’s your emergency?”

“DAMMIT WOMAN, just press ‘Skip Ad’ on my phone, will ya? I can’t take any more of this!”

“Bwah-hah-hah-ha! Oh, jeez…just let me…just let me…bwah-hah-hah-ha…*snort*…let me catch my breath first–I’m crying here!”

…

“Are you done yet?”

“Bwah-hah-hah-ha…”

“I’m glad you find humor in my suffering. Jesus, what kind of sadistic sick ----- did I marry?” I said, shaking my soaking wet head.

“Ok, ok. I’m skipping this wonderfully karmic ad now…maybe next time you’ll listen to your wife when she asks you not blast your music.”

I just rolled my eyes as finally YouTube fired up another one of my peace-inducing staples, some classic Static-X from ’99.

“Hmm, hmm, hee-haw, hmm-dee-doo, dingle-wamgle, down to the surface...” I crooned lightly, admittedly not exactly knowing what most of the the actual lyrics were.

Just before the curious kicked in, I tried to ensure my domestic partner was listening.

“Hey babe, since you seem not to know how to skip a YouTube ad, here’s a little tip…”

“Yeah, you push it! Yeah! You push it! Dun-duh-dun-DUH!”

*drops an octave for the ‘yeahs’*

“YEAH! You push it! YEAH! You push it! Dun-duh-dun-DUH…”

“Thank g0d it was only an ad for some dumb humidifier” I emphasized while we were debriefing on the situation later.

“This isn’t the first time this has happened to me, you know? And no one was around to come to my rescue those times. I actually had to interrupt my shower and dry off enough to get to my phone and skip the ad.”

“Oh really?” My Beautiful Bride inquired. “Exactly how bad can an ad be?”

“Well…the first time, it was an aimed at those gentlemen who have an unwanted addiction to erotic adult media, per se…”

“Yeah, that could be kind of annoying. The Almighty YouTube Ads Algorithm kinda missed its target audience with you on that one.”

“Oh, well, I hadn’t got to the worst part. The guy in the ad was all pussy-footing–no pun intended–around the topic, claiming he couldn’t say the actual word or else the ad would be banned by YouTube, so kept using the phrase ‘the P-Word’. But the worst part was that he kept on acting like he was part of an oppressed group. Arrrgh, I wanted to reach through my phone and bitch-slap him so bad.”

“My g0d, that is the worst. I’m so sorry you had to suffer through 5 or more minutes of that,” my partner consoled me.

“Hah! You’d think that would indeed be the worst, but nooooooo, YouTube is pretty ----- devious when it comes to trying to give you no other choice than to pay $16.99 a month plus tax for ad-free YouTube Premium.”

“Wait, wait, let me guess. Was the other traumatic experience you had a 12-minute ad for tampons?”

“Oh, dear, if only I had been so lucky! I could have easily handled that, even they would have included graphic descriptions of the menstruation process gone awry.”

“Well then, out with it already. What was the topic of this unspeakable horror of an ad?”

“How about 17 minutes straight of hearing about kids with cancer…”

*a few moments of awkward silence*

“…in Spanish.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Uhh…”

“I suppose it’s karmic payback for watching tickets-straight-to-hell like this…”

Content created on: 16/18 December 2025 (Tues/Thurs)

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