Your #1 Source of Unsolicited Life Advice

Month: December 2023

An Old Friend Revisited: 2023 In A Nutshell

< 1 Min Read

Come, sit down with a tumbler of brandy or a glass of fine wine.

I’ve got some tales to tell you old friend, if you have the time…


Welp, Dear Readers, just like clockwork, the new year is upon us, and beyond wishing a very heartfelt ‘Happy New Year!’, the only other thing I’m really wishing in this moment is that you would join to ponder the year past here at The Point of the Story. ‘Tis it not our time-honored tradition to look back at some of the highlights that we have shared together? Or even better, to give you the chance to catch up on some of my witty and/or heartfelt and/or slightly-bitter-but-with-a-tongue-in-cheek-take posts that you may have missed?

Let’s see…what did we do in 2023 anyways? Oh, that’s right: their were, in fact, some fairly broad strokes that painted the year for us, with the usual odd ‘n ends sprinkled in between.

As you peruse at your own pace the posts presented here within, you’ll get tastes of:

  • Remodeling Shenanigans
  • Hair-related Adventures (aka Follicle Foibles)
  • Health Insurance (or the lack thereof)
  • Easter in Kansas
  • Forward and Reverse Racism (But The Lite Version)
  • Academic Grievances
  • …And More!

Of course, this is only a sampling of what all went down over the past 12 months, so feel free to fall down any of plethora of rabbit holes you may find (for example, Easter in Kansas actually spans 5 posts, but only 2 of those were featured here due to space limitations).

Now, without further ado, I present to you: “2023 In A Nutshell”…

Could The Truth About This Life Possibly Be Any Dumber?
Could The Truth About This Life Possibly Be Any Dumber?

5 Min Read

Most people can’t quite put their finger on what feels ‘off’ about their lives.

At least until what’s ‘off’ is a little too ‘on the nose’…

How To Prepare A Speech For Your Smug Old Teacher
How To Prepare A Speech For Your Smug Old Teacher

5 Min Read

The teacher smiled an evil smile as her devious plan came together.

But when that plan done blew up in her face? That was oh so much better…

What? You See Sum-Ting Wong With The Great White Hope?
What? You See Sum-Ting Wong With The Great White Hope?

5 Min Read

Did you know…racism comes in many flavors?

Well then, ret me tell you a story–though I might not be doing anyone any favors…

That Tempting Siren’s Call? It’s No Match For My Willpower!
That Tempting Siren’s Call? It’s No Match For My Willpower!

4 Min Read

What’s that? You can’t resist picking up the phone every time it rings?

Of course I’d be happy to show you how to not do it. Of course…

Celebrating 25 Years Of The Great 21-Trap-Flap Compromise Of ’98
Celebrating 25 Years Of The Great 21-Trap-Flap Compromise Of ’98

6 Min Read

What’s that? You’re worried that maybe this ahistoric moment in sports may have scarred me for life?

Just wait until see the other guy…

Hello, 911? It’s Urgent! An Unauthorized Intruder Is Terrorizing Mother!
Hello, 911? It’s Urgent! An Unauthorized Intruder Is Terrorizing Mother!

6 Min Read

When an unknown pervert starts lurking about, you know it’s time to whip it out.

Uh, whip out your cell phone, just to be clear…

The Bulldog Wanted Baloney. You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next…
The Bulldog Wanted Baloney. You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next…

6 Min Read

Look, don’t judge me for honoring a homeless guy’s request.

Oh, but you’ll never guess which of his weird-ass requests I’m talking about…

Now THIS Is An Authentic Easter In Kansas, Baby!
Now THIS Is An Authentic Easter In Kansas, Baby!

6 Min Read

You hope to give your baby daughter an Easter surprise, but…(Spoiler alert)Jesus isn’t the only white thing that’s about to arise…

Hey Man, Don’t Hate Me Just Because I’m Beautiful
Hey Man, Don’t Hate Me Just Because I’m Beautiful

4 Min Read

Boy, you got yourself some pretty hair there.

But with great beauty comes great responsibility, son, so you better beware…

Silly Rabbit, Affordable Dental Care Never Killed Anyone…Yet
Silly Rabbit, Affordable Dental Care Never Killed Anyone…Yet

5 Min Read

Was the question: “Eh, what’s up, Doc?”?

Ah, hell naw, the answer should never be “malpractice insurance premiums and patient death rates”…

Look Out, Neighbors! Someone’s On The Prowl For Big Favors!
Look Out, Neighbors! Someone’s On The Prowl For Big Favors!

6 Min Read

Quick question: do you have to actually know your neighbor before you call in that big favor?

Asking for a friend (or vice versa)…

Ah, Kansas! The Truth About You Finally Comes Out
Ah, Kansas! The Truth About You Finally Comes Out

4 Min Read

Just when I thought my MotherLand couldn’t bring me any more shame…it goes and completely redeems itself! (Uh, that’s from Dumb & Dumber…)

So You Made A Dumb Deal With The White Devil…Now What?
So You Made A Dumb Deal With The White Devil…Now What?

4 Min Read

What do you do when you realize there’s no time left on your collegiate clock?

Well, that’s when you best call in the BWC (Big White Cauc)…

Really, What Would Jesus Do…With All That Insanely Affordable Lube?
Really, What Would Jesus Do…With All That Insanely Affordable Lube?

4 Min Read

When religious ministry and wordplay collide, ya better butter up, BuckleCup.

Slipe ‘n slide and glide, it’s gonna be one heaven of a ride…

But Dad! I’ll Never Get Sick And Tired Of Being Unique!
But Dad! I’ll Never Get Sick And Tired Of Being Unique!

7 Min Read

You ever wonder why you fought with your dad so much when you were a teen?

Oh, if only we could ever get to the root of it…

All Is Fair In Love And War And Scientific Research
All Is Fair In Love And War And Scientific Research

6 Min Read

Face it: your science project sucked, but it can’t be that bad, right?

On the bright side, at least that nightmare is finally over…

previous arrow
next arrow
Shadow

Content created on: 26/31 December 2023 (Weds/Sun)

A Special Reminder What This Holiday Season Is Really About

< 1 Min Read

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you gave it away.

This year, I’m giving you a semi-random collection of old stories…


Ah, ’tis but the holiday season at long last! And you know what that means, right? Time with family (for better or for worse)…time to take a break (but only if you’re under the age of 12)…time to make memories of a lifetime (and I mean that most sincerely, though now that I think about it, it’s no doubt also a time in whence much lasting childhood trauma is generated)…and, well, in general it’s the most wonderful time of the year, no?

But all that ‘relaxing’ can be pretty draining–however, the masses demand non-stop entertaining! And thus is created that truly hallowed hallmark of the holidays: recycled content. I mean, hey, if Saturday Night Live can get away with showing us the same dang Thanksgiving and Christmas specials year-in and year-out, then why can’t the rest of us?

The good news is that this is the first Christmas-And-Other-Winter-Holidays-Not-Including-Festivus Special to be had in this here part of the internet, so although you may have read these various pieces in the past, this is the first time you get read them again back-to-back. What can I say but “You’re Welcome!”, amiright?

So whenever you need a break from all the hub-bub this particular stretch of days on the calendar brings, just grab your iPhone, iPad, or other handheld entertainment device, and lock yourself in the nearest bathroom, where you can peacefully peruse, in no particular order, the pain-stakingly crafted pieces loosely upon the topic of, um…well…”Christmas And Other Winter Holidays Not Including Festivus”…

No, Olive You, Man
No, Olive You, Man

9 Min Read

Everybody needs at least one constant truth in their life to keep them sane. For me, that one truth was that I could always count on olives to be intolerably nasty. I knew from an early age that olives and I weren’t going to get along. For example, when I was 9 I had gone […]

A Very Merry Bar Shitzvah
A Very Merry Bar Shitzvah

9 Min Read

In some cultures, a boy’s twelfth birthday is a very important rite of passage in his life. In Judaism this is marked with a Bar Mitzvah, in which, in the eyes of his society, he has officially become a man. Although I wasn’t brought up in the Hebrew tradition, I was still pretty excited for […]

How To Make Your Own Dang Christmas Miracle
How To Make Your Own Dang Christmas Miracle

3 Min Read

“No! Only I get to stuff the ballot box!” he hissed at me as he grabbed my wrists and wrestled the stack of raffle entries from my hand…

The Gift Of The Magic Fire Water
The Gift Of The Magic Fire Water

6 Min Read

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, with his Pillow-Sack-Of-Fun…

A Degenerate Family Christmas
A Degenerate Family Christmas

6 Min Read

No, not that kind of degeneracy. I’m talking about a much more refined and pretension degeneracy. Now, in quantum physics–and just bear with me for a few seconds–there’s this whole thing about being able to say what quantum state a group of particles1Or, more formally: a system. are in based on the result of some […]

Don’t Worry Little Buddy, Your Secrets Are Safe With Me…
Don’t Worry Little Buddy, Your Secrets Are Safe With Me…

3 Min Read

Pleased with ourselves that we had Top Secret intel that no one else had, Elmer and I spent the rest of our bus ride dreamily wondering aloud what super-cool toy the Universe would endow upon as at the gift exchange…

It’s A Holiday Miracle On Willow Drive, My Dudes
It’s A Holiday Miracle On Willow Drive, My Dudes

5 Min Read

Sometimes, there are no gifts under the tree. Sometimes, the real gift is the tree itself…

Holiday Hints: How To Make Lasting Memories With Your Parents
Holiday Hints: How To Make Lasting Memories With Your Parents

6 Min Read

Sure, your mom’s insomnia may be cured. But now you’re the one who can’t sleep at night…

previous arrow
next arrow
Shadow

Content created on: 24 December 2023 (Sunday)

All Is Fair In Love And War And Scientific Research

6 Min Read

Face it: your science project sucked, but it can’t be that bad, right?

On the bright side, at least that nightmare is finally over…


“Um…how about I use ‘laser beams’ to measure the speed of light?” the 14-year-old me hesitantly suggested.

I looked expectantly at my mustachioed science teacher, hoping that this would be a solid enough idea for my mandatory science fair project.

“We already know what the speed of light is. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to come up with something original,” Mr. Susman calmly replied.

And thus began my career as a half-assed scientist…


Actually, now that I think about it, the half-assery began a year earlier, when I was in 7th grade at Christian Schools of Springfield (Missouri). That year, the science project I really wanted to do was to put various metals in the microwave and see how long it took before the sparks started to fly. I honestly don’t know why that got shot down without any reasonable discussion; nevertheless, I was forced to come up with a different project altogether. Finally, the night before it was due, I threw together a project that measured how long it took various small objects, such as string, a button, belly button lint, etc. to fall/float to the ground when dropped from about 6 feet up. I know, I know: half-assery, at it’s finest, but I figured since my Christian school didn’t take science seriously, then why should I?

When I showed up the next day with my hand-drawn charts and graphs exploring the aforementioned topic, I was directed to setup next to my dyslexic best friend, Josh. What was my C-Average amigo’s science project about? Surface tension of water. Even if you accounted for the gross disparity in access to resources (his dad was a doctor; mine wasn’t–if you get my drift), the contrast in our core intellectual content was stark. Needless to say, for being the token smart kid in our class, having my kindergarten-level experiment on display directly next to real science was incredibly embarrassing.

Fast-forward roughly 12 months to my 8th grade year, where I found myself at Ocean View Junior High, a public school in California, in the extremely science-focused ‘Research & Development’ class for so-called ‘gifted students’.

If I didn’t want to be laughed out of the classroom by my high-IQ peers, then I had to seriously up my science game from the sloppy shenanigans I had pulled in 7th grade.

But in the end, the most original idea I had come up with wasn’t much more evolved–sorry, I mean, ‘intelligently designed’– beyond the stereotypical model ‘erupting volcano’: at the heart of both was the well-known chemical reaction of mixing vinegar and baking soda to make bubbles. In my case, though, I posited that dosing young tomato plants with a little carbon dioxide on a daily basis would result in a measurable growth spurt.

In retrospect, it wasn’t a completely horrible idea, but it wasn’t the most imaginative either. But when you combine that with limited financial resources, then the execution really starts to suffer.

To begin with, mixing a cup of vinegar with the appropriate amount of baking soda for each plant in the ‘treatment’ group probably only provided a barely perceptible boost in the CO2 available to that plant–and even though those two ingredients are cheap, they still aren’t free, Bub (I did at least have the plants isolated from the surrounding atmosphere by having them covered in plastic bags, though).

Of course there was the cost of the tomato plants themselves, and thanks to my budget, I was able to buy a whopping FOUR plants–2 ‘control’ plants (no dosing) and 2 ‘treatment’ plants (dosed). Honestly, if I would have been able to, say, triple the dosage, and, ya know, have 50 plants in each group, then it might have passed for a decent scientific endeavor. Alas, this ’twasn’t the reality I was living in.

But, wait! There was even more poor-kid shenanigans afoot…


“Thanks for printing these graphs for m–hey, what is up with the colors? That’s not how it looked on the computer I borrowed to make them!”

I peered over the several sheets that Michael, one of my richer, computer-with-a-color-printer-owning friends had printed off for me the night before our science projects were due. My sole graph, which charted the growth of the four plants over several weeks, was supposed to feature four lines of four different colors, yet what I was staring at was 2 red lines and 2 blue lines.

“What can I tell you? My printer ran out of yellow ink,” he replied, communicating the helplessness that he, too, felt about the situation.

I let out a heavy sigh.

“I guess beggars can’t be choosers, right?” I said, honestly acknowledging my current lot in life.

“Hey, it still looks pretty good. I’m sure it will be fine…well, mostly fine.” said the guy who would go on to become the Chief Scientist at Numerai (and, coincidentally, uses the exact same WordPress theme for his neuroscience/machine learning blog that I use here).

“Yeah, I guess no one will notice and and it’ll still get the message across,” I figured aloud.

*Later that day, in R&D…*

“So you’ll see here in Figure A1The joke being is that there was no Figure B, so calling it Figure A was a bit misleading… a plot of the plants’ growth from Week 0 to Week 6.”

I didn’t have the strongest project, but I was trying to at least pretend that I did.

A kid halfway back in the classroom raised his hand–oh dear lord, it was that Jackass Jacob.

“So…which line is which plant?” he queried with a smirk on his face.

“Well the blue line is…oh, sh*t, uh, I’m not sure which blue line is Control 1 and which one is Treatment 2. Uh…um…dammit, Oliver,2Michael’s last name you and your printer have screwed me over!”

I eventually fumbled my way through the rest of my presentation, buoyed only by the promise that, no matter what, 10 minutes from now this nightmare of a scientific endeavor would be over forever, never to haunt me again…


“Listen up, youths, we got the Ventura County Science Fair coming up in a few weeks, and unfortunately, we can only send a select few of you,” announced Mr. Sogioka, our other R&D teacher (there were so many smarty-pants 6th, 7th, and 8th graders at our school, they needed two classrooms to contain us all and two teachers to wrangle us rascals).

Half the class groaned in disappointment, already knowing full well they weren’t going to make the cut. For my part, I could have cared less. My project had sucked chestnuts and I knew it. I was at peace with that hard truth.

“Let’s see here…first on the list: David Chandler,” Mr. Susman announced.

“Good for David,” I thought to myself. “If your project is ‘The Impact Of Computer Monitor Radiation On The Development Of the Fruit Fly’, you sure the hell deserve to go show that sh*t off to the world. You sir, are a true scientist. A bit of a pompous ass, yes, but a ----- good scientist nonetheless.”

“Next: Michael Oliver…” Mr. Sogioka proclaimed.

“…for his study, ‘The Impact of Not Knowing How The F*** To Change A Depleted Printer Cartridge On Your Lower-Income Resource-Strapped Classmate’, no doubt,” I quipped as I elbowed Michael sprightly.

“Har, har, you’re hilarious,” he responded.

“Seriously, though,” I whispered to him, “I’m kinda glad you suck at printing things off in color. It got me out of the County Science Fair, at least!”

“…B.J.!”

I jerked my head back to the front of the class at the sound of my name.

“I’m listening! I’m listening, I swear, Mr. Sogioka! I promise,” I lied. I had been chatting Michael’s ear off the whole time and hadn’t been listening as our two most esteemed educators had read off the rest of the List of the Damned, the poor souls who had to go to the county science fair.

“Huh, what? I was just announcing the students moving on to the next level of science.” Mr. Sogioka seemed confused.

“Congratulations, B.J., you were the last one to make the cut–you’re going to County! Wait…what?” Mr. Susman said, seeming just as surprised as I was at this turn of events.

“Nooooooo! Why me?” I rended my shirt in two and shook my fist to the heavens.

“Oh, you know exactly why,” Mr. Sogioka looked at me with…no, it wasn’t quite a sh*t-eating grin on his face..it was more of sh*t-eating smirk.

“Dammit, Sogi-yoki, you’ve screwed me again!” I muttered.

“What was that you said, hmmm?” he inquired, clearly full of the power he be trippin’ on.

“Nothing, Donald, I didn’t say anything at all.”

“Hey, look on the bright side,” Michael interjected, “At least I can reprint your graphs in full color this time around.”

I stared daggers at him.

“Yes,” I replied with all the sarcasm I could muster, “CYK graphs will prevent it from a being a complete and utter fustercluck this time around…”


The point of the story is never make fun of your bald Japanese American teachers by racistly butchering their name and calling them Sogi-Yoki. Yeah, you read about that last week right? Of course you did. And of course you would have also known that it was just an honest, oh-fudge-I-wasn’t-really-paying-attention mistake on my part. But not in ol’ Donnie-Boy’s eyes, no sirree, Bob!

And now, finally, Karma had smiled upon his shiny dome of a head and had given him the chance to rain down retribution on me, the proverbial thorn in his side: he was sending my sorry ass to the county state fair–not based on merit in any way, shape, or form–only for the sole purpose of seeing me scientifically embarrass myself on an even bigger stage.

So, in the spirit of the holiday (Festivus, of course), I am officially airing this grievance in the general direction of one Mr. Donald Sogioka. Sogi-Yoki, sir, what you did to me was just plain ----- -up. If I were a lesser man, I would blame my lack-luster scientific career on you, but I won’t. The mere presence of three tiny letters after my name gives me the last laugh in this matter, and that is enough for this chatty slacker:

P.

h.

D…


Content created on: 7/9 December 2023 (Thurs/Sat)

Footnotes & References:[+]

Who Wouldn’t Love To Take Down That Obnoxious Class Clown?

5 Min Read

Bane of every teacher’s existence, he casually be chillin’ in the back and talks and talks.

He’s the species we call the ‘Chatterbox’…


“Uh…I think you’re in the wrong class.”

His name was Jacob, and all these years later I don’t need my 8th grade yearbook to remind me of that. Nope, I’ll never forget the name of the jack-ass1I desperately wanted to phrase this as “that jack-ass’ name”, but I couldn’t find a definitive answer on what the possessive form of ‘jackass’ is…so please, if you know the answer, share it in the comments below. who oh-so-condescendingly told me, the new kid, that I didn’t belong in the ‘gifted’ students’ science class (which for some reason, Oceanview Jr. High called ‘Research & Development‘).

Of course, I didn’t know his name was Jacob at the time, so this made it harder to throw some condescension back at that buffoon. Instead of replying with something like, “Well, Jacob, I actually do belong in this class, you cocky little ----- face…”, the humbler side of my personality responded with:

*checks class schedule*

“Uh, this is R&D, right? Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m in the right classroom…”

“Pfft! Yeah right–this is the smart kids’ class, Dummy. You better check that schedule again,” Jacob tut-tutted, standing his ground.

“Dude, I’m in the right place, so just buzz off,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Whatever, Dummy,” Jacob muttered as he turned back around in his seat to face forward.

I mused to myself that Jacob must be pretty ----- smart to have the Chutzpah2P.S. Happy Hanukah to all my Hebrew friends! to tell a random stranger that he looks to stupid to be in his hallowed classroom. I was definitely curious to see if he actually had the brains to back up those words…


“Hold my root beer”…is essentially what I told Jackass Jacob, as it would turn out.

When it comes to asses, I can hold my own, at least in the sub-category of Smartasses. And it didn’t take too long to claim my rightful spot on that throne.

So, as I’ve implied above, I started 8th grade a week or so after classes had already begun. One consequence of this was that I didn’t get a proper introduction to the teachers in my various classes. You know, like when they got “Mrs. McDougal” (for example) written in big letters on the chalk board and that, being the very first thing you see, is indelibly burned into your memory and seared into your retinas.

And had I been there on first day of R&D, I would have none, without a shadow of a doubt, that my two esteemed science teachers were Mr. Brent Susman (may that mustache R.I.P.) & Mr. Don Sogioka.

I mean, I kinda knew their names. But apparently I didn’t really know their names. Case in point: a scene from my second or third week of school.

“Hey, would you stop talking in the back there?” Mr. Sogioka seemed slightly perturbed by my incessant chatting with my fellow classmates throughout his lessons.

“Oh, ok, sure. My bad…” I responded in a manner befit of any 13 year old.

Ol’ Donnie Boy was non-plussed by my attitude.

“Seriously, though, all you’ve ever done since you’ve joined our class is sit in the back and distract all the other students. I bet you don’t even know what my name is.”

“What? Of course, I know your name, it’s Mr. Sokiyoki!” I indignantly declared.

It was in this moment that I learned that I did not, in fact, know what his name was.

The rest of the class, thinking I was clowning him by pronouncing his name “Soki-Yoki”–perhaps the Japanese equivalent of calling your teacher of Chinese descent “Mr. Ching-Chong-Chang”–all burst out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter.

“IT’S SOGIOKA!” he asserted, clearly flush with anger at what he perceived was being made of fun of to his face.

“Dammmn, my bad…”


“Oh my God, you never shut up, do you?”

Mr Sokioga. Again.

By now we were a good 3 months or so into the school year, and 3 things had become clear:

  1. I was, much to Mr. Sokioga’s chagrin, one of the brighter minds amongst all of the 40-50 students in R&D (#HumbleBrag).
  2. Jacob, on the other hand, was all talk and no walk. That guy was a complete idiot.
  3. I was a non-stop chatter box.

Now, to be truthful, I had never meant to be a supreme smartass back when I accidentally called my esteemed co-teacher ‘Mr. Soki-yoki’, but this had apparently set the tone for our relationship for the entire year. And, as you can imagine, Science Facts #1 and #3 annoyed the living hell out of Ol’ Sokioga.

Science Fact #2 is irrelevant to the rest of the story; I figured I’d give you, Dear Reader, a little closure since I had brought Jacob in the first place.

Anyways…Mr. Sokioga wasn’t done chewing me out for incessant talking in his class.

“You know what?” he said with a defiant look in his eyes. “I bet you can’t go an entire class without talking. You are simply incapable of keeping that pi3#STEMNerdReference hole of yours shut.”

Aww, snap.

Gauntlet: thrown down.

“You’re on, Don!” I just couldn’t help myself. Sometimes my wit beats my brain to my mouth, and sh*t like that just slips on out.

“Please, don’t ever call me Don…”

Fast-forward to a day or so later, and I was determined af to prove the haters wrong: I can be quiet. I swear I can.

Now, it wasn’t easy by any means, but I actually pulled it off. I apologize for adding a narrative pizzazz to this part via some imaginative dialogue, but what can I say? There was nothing to be said for me saying nothing for a solid 50 minutes.

Except for the last 2 minutes of class…

“I did it. I didn’t say a single word all class long,” I stated with the confidence of a true champion.

Mr. Sokioga was not impressed.

“Congratulations, kid” dripping with sarcasm was all I got in return.

Honestly, I don’t know what I was expecting to happen. In retrospect, we were at a stalemate, and I should have just left it at that. Where exactly did I think, “ha ha I proved you wrong and didn’t annoy you for one whole class” was going to get me?

A very good question indeed…


The point of the story is that sometimes ya gotta respect the power imbalance between teacher and student. At the end of the proverbial day, the teacher has, um, let’s call them ‘tools’, at his or her disposal to deal with particularly pesky proteges. “Whatever is he talking about?” you may be wondering right now. Well, I’ll tell you what I’m talking about…next week, and maybe the week after that. Sorry, but you’ll have to stay tuned to hear about the various forms of Donald’s Revenge hath taken.

And while ultimately those tales will be keeping in line with the spirit of The Holiday (Festivus, that is), and fall squarely in my ‘Airing of the Grievances’ category, I can’t help but wonder if maybe, just maybe,Mr. Sokioga might have one or two grievances to air with me…


Content created on: 1/2 December 2023 (Fri/Sat)

Footnotes & References:[+]

error

Enjoy this blog? Please spread the word :)

RSS
Follow by Email
YouTube
YouTube
Instagram