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Month: November 2023

How To Prepare A Speech For Your Smug Old Teacher

5 Min Read

The teacher smiled an evil smile as her devious plan came together.

But when that plan done blew up in her face? That was oh so much better…


“And in conclusion, fellow students, that is why Greek mythology is still relevant to our lives today, even in this modern era of technology and hyper-connectedness.”1This was not the topic of my speech–that particular detail is left to the annuls of history. But it was similar in nature, tone, and depth.

As I wrapped up my 3-minute impromptu speech in Mrs. Murray’s Freshman English class, what I heard wasn’t quite the thunderous applause every orator hopes to elicit from their audience. Instead I got the second best response: the rest of the class sat stunned in silence, except for a few scattered whispers of “damn, that was good.”

In fact, I think one of those whispers came from me–I don’t think anyone was more stunned by the eloquence and coherence of the auditory gem I had just dropped than yours truly. Like many folk, I’m not the biggest fan of public speaking, so you can imagine my anxiety after Mrs. Murray–out of nowhere–announced to the class that we would all have to give mini-speeches on the topic of her choosing with exactly –*checks notes*–ZERO preparation.

Oh, and guess who was hand-picked by ol’ Suzanne2If you’re wondering why I’m name-dropping my freshman English teacher, it’s because I finally remembered not only her last name but her first name too–after wracking my brain for over 4 years! to go first? I’ll give you one hint: it was the same guy she had sent to the principal’s office earlier in the semester for–and get this–“acting insolent and insubordinate when intentionally and habitually failing to bring a library book to class” to read when he was done blazing through his in-class work.

Yeah, I’m still a little miffed about being on the receiving end of the ‘Dumbest Reason For Getting Sent To The Principal’s Office (1995)’ award.

But now here I was on the other side of a terrifying speech that had seemed like it would most assuredly go sideways on me and end in embarrassment and humiliation. Not only had I survived, I had knocked it out of the frigging ballpark. And it felt ----- fantastic.

After a few more moments basking in the glory and admiration of my peers, I couldn’t help my newfound confidence peek through the curtains.

“Alright, who’s next?” I quipped3Okay, okay, I admit this probably doesn’t technically qualify as a ‘quip’–what are you? My Freshman English teacher or something? nonchalantly, scanning the crowd for anyone brave enough to try to follow my act.

In the process I happened to glance over at Mrs. Murray, to whom (not ‘to who’) I couldn’t resist flashing half a sh*t-eating grin.

She just glared at me.

“Okay, class, it looks like it’s time to move on to today’s lesson about past participles…” she said, brazenly gaslighting the entire class.

Not that my colleagues minded the deception–I’m pretty sure that the munchkins all away across the school in the Kindergarten classroom could hear the collective sigh of relief let out by everyone else in the class. I’m sure none of them was exactly chomping at the bit to endure the bullcrap I just had.

“Wait, what the hell is happening???” I confess that I was slightly confused by this turn of events. Wasn’t the entire class supposed to be partaking in this exercise? And now she’s acting like it never happened? Seriously, what the funk, Mrs. Murray?

I sat there silently for the rest of the period, mulling over the situation in my mind. Occasionally my gaze would wander across over to Mrs. Murray, who (not ‘whom’) had returned to her desk after a very brief, very half-assed lesson on past participles. And every time, I would catch her staring daggers back at me.

By the time the bell had rang, I finally understood what had transpired.

There never was an ‘impromptu orations’ in her lesson plan! She had no intention of making anybody else give a speech (though it was pretty cruel of her to make them sweat it out). That skinny witch had set me up–she had made that all up in hopes of harassing and embarrassing me–and only me–with a speech that she thought most assuredly would suck balls. No doubt it was because I was being a real Chatty Kathy in the middle of class (again), but that is very much beside the point…


The point of the story is karma can be a real b*tch, ain’t that right Mrs. Murray? You very unprofessionally attempted to publicly humiliate a rascally-but-ultimately-harmless student of yours, and what do you get for giving in to your petty impulses? Oh, that’s right, you ended up make him a g0d amongst [fresh]men, all thanks to a short speech that went a little sum’thin like this (with all apologies to my dear mother):

Side note: do you realize how hard it is to choose amongst all the Google image search results for ‘flipping the bird’??? So many great options…Mister Rogers, Dolly Parton, a newborn baby…oh the options were endless, I could barely pick one.

Anyways…despite realizing that I had bested Mrs. Murray and her nefarious scheme, I gotta say…a full 28 years later, and I’m still a little peeved about her big batch of nonsense that was targeted specifically at me.

But then again, isn’t this is what the holidays are all about?

Oh, sorry I forgot to remind you that around this time of year I often find myself expressing my thoughts in the universal language of gifs from the 90s NBC hit sitcom, Seinfeld.4Who I got to see performing live just last night, not to brag or anything. *Ahem*…

To which holiday do I refer? Thanksgiving? Christmas? Hanukkah? Chinese New Year’s? Nay, I’m speaking of…

And we all know that the tradition of Festivus begins with The Airing Of Grievances:

So buckle ups, Buttercups, cuz we got a couple weeks of celebrating this fine holiday ahead of us…


Content created on: 17/18 November 2023 (Fri/Sat)

Footnotes & References:[+]

Silly Rabbit, Affordable Dental Care Never Killed Anyone…Yet

5 Min Read

Was the question: “Eh, what’s up, Doc?”?

Ah, hell naw, the answer should never be “malpractice insurance premiums and patient death rates”…


“I finally got me some health insurance, so I’m going for The Trifecta, Doc–are you ready for Phase One?”

My new dentist just stared back at me blankly through his special tooth-pulling glasses that, for some reason, were designed to make him look like a buck-toothed rabbit–“ah, a guy with a sense of humor,” I surmised.

“What’s this ‘Trifecta’ of which you speak, young man?” he sincerely inquired.

I was more than eager to oblige his request, as I was just certain he would find my idea to be genius.

“Well, I’m glad you asked, Doc. See, it’s like this: I figure that us modern humanoids have three extraneous body parts that are more of a liability than an asset…” I intentionally left a pregnant pause hanging for dramatic effect.

“Ok…and to which three body part are you referring?” the Doc bit hard for my bait.

“The obvious ones of course: wisdom teeth, tonsils, and the appendix. What good are any of those doing us, amiright?” I said, again pausing, trying to draw him in to what I was selling.

“Uh, sure, I guess. Where are you going with all this?” the Doc seemed a bit more dull-witted than you would want in somebody who is about to take a set of over-sized pliers to your face.

“So what I’m proposing is that we, as a nation, get out ahead of all these potential unforced errors. Within 2 months of every U.S. citizen’s 18th birthday, I say that we should offer them completely free-of-charge a one-stop chop-shop: a single surgical event in which they get all three removed in one fell swoop. It’s genius, right?” I looked at him expectantly for affirmation of my ----- brilliant outside-the-box idea.

Instead, I got another blank buck-toothed bunny look before he eventually spoke up.

“That may not be such a good idea,” he said. “If those things aren’t causing any particular issues, then one probably shouldn’t be taking those unnecessary risks. And don’t even get me started on doing all three at the same time–the human body isn’t designed to be able to recover from that much trauma all at once.”

“Well, my wisdom teeth are indubitably the source of my occasional halitosis, so minor procedural risks be damned–grab your pliers and get those suckers outta my face! What’s the worst that could happen?” I implored him.

I had had those 4 calcium fortified bungholes in my mouth causing me to have bad breath for the 5 years of my entire adult life, and I couldn’t wait a moment longer to bid them good riddance…


“Just keep your eyes on my bunny nose, and we’ll be all wrapped up before you know it,” the Doc gently reassured me.

I wasn’t so much nervous as I was excited. Nevertheless, he had opened up the clinic just for me on that late Saturday afternoon, so it was borderline creepy having not another soul around, save for my Mother Dearest–my designated driver, if you will–waiting patiently in the lobby. So even though I had no doubt it would be smooth sailing to my newfound fresh breath and slightly-better-spaced toothy smile, I appreciated his calming presence.

After getting me nice and numb, we cruised right on through Tooth One and Tooth Two. On Tooth Three, well, that was a different story.

I was chilling like a villian when Doc gave that final tug to pop ol’ #3 out. Out it popped, indeed–the loud ‘schluuuuuup-POP!’ was immediately followed by the even louder metalic ‘CLACK!’ of his pliers snapping together. Empty, that is.

“OH,” was all the Doc managed to say aloud. But the look on his face said it all.

And by ‘all’, I mean ‘OH SH*T’–so dramatic that including an exclamation mark would do the sentiment a disservice.

“Don’t…move…” he said, clearly trying to not to lose his nerve.

“Why, whaass up, Dawk?” I attempted to quip, but was foiled by facial anesthesia.

“Uhhh…oh…uhhh…this is bad. This is real bad…”

I could see beads of sweat forming in real-time on his brow. I figured I would let him sweat it out a few more seconds. Meanwhile, I was feigning alarm on the outside, but was cool as a cucumber on the inside.

Why? Because I had an ace up my sleeve.

And by ‘ace up my sleeve’, I really mean ‘tooth caught in the back of my throat’.

But what the Doc didn’t know was that–very, very fortunately for his sorry malpractice-insured ass–was that I had reflexively caught my maverick molar with my tongue, and, if I didn’t ----- around too long, I wouldn’t have to worry about finding out what choking to death on my own esophageal blood in a deserted dentist’s office would feel like.

“Ahhhh…” I could hear relief wash over the Doc as he realized that the cat-like reflexes of his patient had saved him from watching another one of us bleed out in his dentist chair.

I could also see the relief wash over his face. And, oh, was it awkward…


If the so-called ‘point of the story’ for the last three weeks was that it is absolutely insane that we don’t have free, universal healthcare in this country, consider this the ‘counterpoint of the story.’ In pursuit of The Trifecta, I was mere microseconds from dying–dying!

And that was just Phase One. Do y’all remember what went down a year later when I got to Phase Two? Please tell me you do. Please tell me I didn’t not suffer through pure hell–replete with a visit from the Grim Reaper himself–to not have my story told. Go ahead, go back and read one of the most popular posts I’ve put out, Touched By An Angel, and its counterpart, My Time To Go, and behold the most amazing and stupid way to die from a tonsillectomy.

You do see what’s happening here, though? You give a ‘genius’ numbnuts like me absolutely free, no-strings-attached health services, and what do we do? We go run off and have completely elective ‘out-patient’ procedures that end up with us in the morgue. Y’all gonna have a smart-people blood-bath on your hands, I tell you what.

Oh, and though it’s beside the point, guess what? I still haven’t got around to Phase Three–the appendectomy–but guess who’s been having occasional discomfort in that exact region? And guess who’s getting the idea in their head they might just want to get a jump on a potential exploding appendix and have that sucker taken out against the advice of medical professionals?

And guess who didn’t learn the lesson from Phases One and Two that he is indubitably ill-fated and is destined to die in the most statistically improbabilistic way during a routine, yet unneeded, medical procedure?

Who has two big toes, and one of them has a tag on it?

No, Dear Reader, the answer is not ‘this guy!’–you think I would use such a bourgeoisie ‘who has two thumbs’ punchline in such a grave and earnest post? No!

Instead, I implore you to look at the Toe Tag1Yes, this is very much indeed an unpop-culture reference to the grunge band ol’ Phillip K. Ballz and I were in during our early high school years. of that handsome body on the slab…


Content created on: 11/12 November 2023 (Sat/Sun)

Footnotes & References:[+]

And Then Suddenly, This Little Piggy Went Straight To Slaughter…

4 Min Read

Ten…nine…eight…seven…

You got about six more seconds before you’re gonna see ol’ Hamhocks go up into porcine heaven…


“Noooooooo!” I screamed in my head as I watched gravity have its way with the can of soup that I was planning on having for lunch. “Seriously, can’t this wait until tomorrow?!?”

Unfortunately, the laws of physics ignored my request to reschedule my hot date with gravity to a later date. Instead, I got a front row seat at the ‘Watch-A-Canned-Good-Fall-In-Slow-Mo-Towards-Yo-Toes’ Theatre.

And of course it had to be a beautiful day in May that inspires one to wear flip-flops. My toes didn’t stand a chance without the protection of nary even a sock. This wasn’t going to end pretty…

The worst part about this was that I kept my trusty stash of Progresso canned soups1To be honest, it wasn’t Progresso, but that’s the only brand name of soup I can think of in the moment. above our sink, so once I accidentally knocked it off, I had a surprisingly long time to think about my life choices.

“Why, my Good Lord, did you choose today of all days to send such trials and tribulations my way? If you’re really there, then I just want to say you have a really sick sense of humor.”

It was moments like this that the most faithful and devout believer have a wee bit too much empathy for the pagans and atheists.

“I’m going to lose a toe, ain’t I?” I was resigning myself to fate, even before the can had a chance to do its damage. “And, can I just say, ‘f**k my life’? Dear All-Powerful Being In The Sky, if you’re going to be so unkind as to take a toe, the least you could do is wait until I have proper health insurance.”

As I waited for the can to cover the last few inches of its downwards trajectory, I put my hands on my hips and looked impertinently towards the heavens, which in that moment happened to resemble the kitchen ceiling of our bachelor pad on College View Drive.

“Not even one day. You couldn’t just hold off on mangling my limbs one day–nay, 12 hours–could you?!?” I shook my fists to the sky.

*Smack-runch!*

The can made contact. But not with my whole foot, or even with all of my toes. No, it had to channel all of its affection to my left pinky toe. ‘One little toe to take the full blow,’ one might say if this were some sort of twisted nursery rhyme.2Wait, isn’t that redundant? Aren’t almost all nursery rhymes twisted by definition? I mean, London Bridge and Ring Around The Rosy were both about the ----- Plague, for crying out loud.

I felt the shock of adrenaline hit my system as it reacted to the injury of indeterminate magnitude. Against my better judgment, I looked down.

“Oh, sh*t! That’s a lot of blood.” I quickly averted my gaze, regretting that I looked down, as the sight of oxygenated heme sent another, much larger surge of adrenaline through my system.

I was in a full-on cold sweat at this point, barely able to breath.

“It’ll be okay, it’ll be okay…I can turn on the stove an cauterize the wound, and go to the hospital tomorrow,” I assured myself. “Besides, plenty of people lead very successful and happy lives missing whole limbs. I should be able to get by short that little piggy who get beheaded like a French aristocrat in a guillotine,3Holy sh*t, I spelled this word right on my first try, without any help from autocorrect! right? Nine toes are more than enough to get by in life.”

Was it really the trauma of possible losing a piece of my flesh and bone to a can of soup–of all things–that was causing me so much distress? Actually, I didn’t mind that as much as the fact that I was right at 60 days into my first job out of college working for Western Wireless, 4Now a part of Verizon via a couple of mergers. and for the first time in my life, had proper health insurance…starting tomorrow. When I say ‘f my life’, this is what I’m talking about–seriously?!? I lose a toe in a freak canned-soup accident a matter of mere hours before I am financially able to have it reattached, if necessary? This is a sick joke right?

“Time to pay the piper, I suppose,” I said, indubitably using the wrong turn of phrase for the occasion.

I moved the can off of my foot, and through the barely modest amount of blood–adrenaline can turn you into a real drama queen–and I was delighted to see a roughly 1 cm gash on top of my miraculously-still-attached pinky toe. Good news, everybody! This wasn’t anything a little super glue and a BandAid (TM) couldn’t handle!

I was so relieved and excited that I even did a little jig and clicked my heels in celebration like I was a flip-flop-wearing Leprechaun or something, lightly misting the adjacent cabinetry and fridge with a bit of blood spatter.

“Oh, right! I probably should glue that up first…”


Can you, Dear Reader, guess what the point of the story is? I truly doubt you’re reading this in a vacuum, and have no context for what I’ve been diatribing about recently. Surely, you’re aware of the 21-Trap-Flap and the Youthfront Lake Monster, because you read the last two posts.

Right? Right.

That’s right, I think it’s utter nonsense that a matter of a few ticks on the clock would determine whether or not one has to suffer through life with only 19 digits instead of 20 like a normal person. Just like it’s complete and utter tomfoolery that a matter of mere miles can determine whether or not one has to go through life looking like Harry Potty instead of having a smooth and hale forehead like a normal person. Just like how it’s a massive load of bullshit that the fact that your dad is a hard-working but tragically self-employed farmer determines whether you have to go through life with your right elbow looking like Harry Potter instead of having a uniformly dry and flaky elbow like a normal person.

Oh, PS, tragically late spoiler alert: I might have just ruined the plot of my last two posts, but go ahead and go back and read them if you haven’t.

The point is that the U.S. health insurance system5This, ironically, could be a case of ‘biting the hand that feeds’, seeing as how the bread winner in our household is a…health insurance executive. LOL? is complete cow-crap and should be burned to the ground.

Single-payer, universal health care for all. How ----- hard is it? Is it that outrageous that a government should be interested in investing in the well-being of it’s citizens (most of whom are taxpayers, but honestly, that’s irrelevant)?

Oh, and if you think I’m done regaling y’all with tales that are tangentially related to insurance and health care, just you wait. Just you wait until next time, that is…


Content created on: 3/4 November 2023 (Fri/Sat)

Footnotes & References:[+]

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