Month: February 2022

Aim high, son, you go get that job of your dreams!

But don’t forget to mention those treats filled with cream…

“I appreciate you coming in today, son. Why don’t you take a seat. By the way, I must say, you’ve got yourself quite the impressive résumé…”

“Why, thanks for noticing.” I blushed lightly at the high praise coming from the man I hoped would be my future boss.

“A degree in physics…tuition fully covered–merit-based, of course–…exceptional collegiate GPA…I even see that you won a $5k scholarship to spend a semester in Spain. Nice.”

“Not to humble-brag¹This was before the age of hashtags, otherwise I would say ‘Not to #HumbleBrag…' or anything, but yeah, I’ve done alright for myself…”

“I am, though,” he continued, “a little bit confused about when you graduated…”

Just great. He had to ask about that.

“Oh, that? I’ll be graduating last month in a few weeks–wait, nevermind, don’t worry about that. It’s an unnecessarily long story…and one I will be more than happy to regale you with around that-there water cooler over there.”

I nonchalantly pointed to the office watering hole, trying to subliminal induce him into giving me the job.

“Hmmm…perhaps. Let’s see what else we’ve got here…”

As a more-than-qualified candidate with a veritable rap-sheet of accolades, I was feeling pretty good about my employment prospects in the fine establishment I found myself in.

“Interesting…it says here that you were–and I quote directly from your C.V.–‘Haymaker Hall Twinkie-Eating Champion (2000)*.‘ You must have been pretty proud of that achievement, I suppose?”

I was too engrossed envisioning the steady stream of mostly stable income that was no doubt in my near-future to bother with any subtleties that might have been present in his tone of voice.

“Yeah, I mean who wouldn’t? The guy who got second was only halfway through his box by the time I polished mine off–such a resounding defeat that even before I had got to my last package, he just gave up and started leisurely enjoying his cache. No one was even close to my level of competitive eating that day–all the would-be challengers? They had no choice but to humbly bow themselves before my mad noshing skills.”

“Uh…okay.”

“Yup. True story…”

“Sure, whatever. One last question…you don’t have too much direct experience in our field–which is okay, since you just graduated college (I think?)–so, please, share with me why you would like to work for our company?”

“Hey man, a job is a job and a paycheck is a paycheck, amiright? After all, one can’t defend their title of Twinkie-Eating Champion if they’re training with empty cupboards…”

Oh, yeah. I totally had this thing in the bag…

“There was a shortage! There was a Twinkie shortage, I swear!”

I felt like George Costanza from the hit 90s show, Seinfeld, making a rather futile effort to defend his, uh, “body image” after swimming in a cold pool:²For full context, please enjoy this clip: https://youtu.be/85MZ4c1EWkM

As much as I pleaded with him, Mr. Not-My-Future-Boss-Man, wasn’t having any of it. I desperately tried to explain to him that there truly was The Great Twinkie Shortage of 2000,³”Twinkie Strike Afflicts Fans With Snack Famine”. New York Times, published 23 March 2000, accessed 24 February 2022–see hyperlink and it wasn’t just another lie to go along with the other lies–no, alleged lies–on my résumé.

On my knees by this point, I humbly petitioned him to truly listen and hear me out as I attempted to explain the extenuating circumstances swirling about my perceived fabrication: yes, there was a Twinkie-Eating Competition, and yes, I won said competition by a mile. But thanks to TGTS2000⁴The abbreviated form of the aforementioned The Great Twinkie Shortage of 2000–again, an absolutely real event in American history–the organizers had to substitute Little Debbie brand Swiss Cake Rolls (TM) at the last second, in lieu of the advertised Twinkies.

And, hey let’s be honest, “Swiss Cake Roll-Eating Champion” doesn’t quite, well, roll off the tongue like “Twinkie-Eating Champion*.” So, sure, putting that down on my résumé may have been venturing into a moral gray area–however, I took the extra effort to include the “*”! How more honest could a guy get?

*Sigh*

But alas, ’twas all too little, too late. I was a bona fide liar in his mind–and you know that in this business, a man’s integrity is everything. He, in good conscious, could no way even consider hiring a documented liar such as myself.

All those grand plans and high hopes I had for my future? All foiled on account of the nuances of a ridiculous-sounding-but-actually-happened ----- Twinkie Shortage.

I mean, if not for those meddling bakery truck drivers, this could have been me (audio on):

…and that–and indubitably only that—my friends, is most assuredly why my promising life-long career of uttering phrases such as “She’s got a few miles on her, but she sure is a beauty, isn’t she?” and “What is it going to take for me to get you in this gently-used car today?” never got the chance to even see the light of day.

“Why are you even telling me this story?” you are probably wondering aloud right now, as if somehow I could hear you.

Well, I’ll tell you why–in the immortalized words of the late, great Bill Paxton:

Content created on: 23/24 February 2022 (Weds/Thurs)

There’s regular actors, and there’s voice-actors.

And then, regrettably, there are tongue-actors…

“Schlop! Schlop! Schlop!”

Oh, what a Prologue…

Act I: a soft gasp of unpleasant surprise, shortly followed by Act II, a gagged “harumph” of indignation.

And for her Third and final Act, a crisp whipping of the neck away from the encroaching tongue, lightly showering the audience and judges with an unholy admixture of our respective salivas.

Epilogue: she never spoke to me again…

Flashback to only moments before the award-winning performance described above, as we cast members donned our costumes backstage.

“Hey man, I dare you to slip Kat¹Let’s pretend like this isn’t her real name, poor soul. But the puns that would follow this incident only make sense if you have an idea of what her name might have been. the tongue during your kissing scene! It’s what any true Benedick would do for his love, Beatrice.”

This particular “Benedick” had gently (yet convincingly) kissed “Beatrice” about 5-10 times at this point, but, seeing as how we were in the middle of competing in the 1999 KSHSAA²https://www.kshsaa.org/public/speechdrama/Tournaments.cfm State Speech & Drama Festival, this would indubitably be the Last Kiss my co-star Kat and I would share during the climactic scene of our Rolla High School’s production of the 1598 Shakespeare classic, Much Ado About Nothing.

‘Twas going to be our last Hurrah–we definitely needed to go out with a “Bang!” (Or at least 2 or 3 good “Schlops”.)

And who could say “no” when dared by their local science teacher, good ol’ Mr. Bryan, husband to their English teacher and director of the play, Mrs. Bryan?

Well, maybe I could have said “no” to such a juvenile proposition proffered by this allegedly grown-ass man/supposedly responsible adult…had it not been for the overwhelming support vocally offered by the entirety of the other male cast members.

I mean, what better excuse for some light tomfoolery and mischievous misogynistic shenanigans than peer pressure? You got to give the be-testicled people what they want right?

“Heh-heh, she’s in for such a surprise…” I chortled as I agreed to Mr. B.’s ----- harebrained idea…

“What the ----- where you thinking?!?”

You gotta give Kat some professional actress credit: apart from her neck-whip in reaction to my last-second lingual assualt, she waited until we were backstage afterwards to give me the tongue-lashing³Pun intended. I so rightfully deserved.

“Just because the script calls for us to kiss, that don’t give you permission to slide yo nasty-ass slimy tongue halfway down my throat!”

“*Snort* But…Mr. Bryan dared me to do it.” I gestured in his general direction, fully expecting his show of moral support.

“Whoa, whoa, dude, I didn’t think you would actually do it. Like, what in the actual ----- were you thinking?”

“The heck, man? You asshat, this whole thing was your idea and now you’re throwing me under the bus?!?”

“Totally uncool, bro. You can’t kiss a lady like that without her permission,” chimed in one of the many male actors who had only an hour early been championing the cause of The Tonguing.

“I may be Benedick, but you’re a damned Benedict Arnold!” I couldn’t believe these two guys.

“Yeah, man. I would never do such a horrible thing.”

Yet another mother ----- was jumping ship on me.

What the hell was going on here?!? Sixty minutes early they were essentially chanting “Grab her by the p***y! Grab her by the p***y!” and now they decide to be the woke mob,⁴In case you’re wondering, I am very much mocking any ----- idiot who uses the term “woke mob” with a straight face. going all “#MeToo” and “My body, my choice” on me?

And as you can imagine, not a single one of the females in the room where it happened⁵”The room where it happened”–another Broadway reference, brought to you courtesy of Hamilton. were showing me any love…

“But wait just a tick, Mister!” you are indubitably shouting at the screen right now. “There weren’t any so-called ‘woke mobs’ back in 1999–especially not in Kansas!”

And, Dear Reader, you would be absolutely right about that.

Sure, I got hung out to dry by the drama nerds for what, in almost immediate retrospect, was a very egregious lapse in judgment on my part. Indeed, I wished, in my role as Benedick, that I wouldn’t have been, well, such a dick.

But did I truly suffer for my misdeeds? Even remotely close to as much as I should have?

No! In fact, for the last few weeks of school, I was more or less celebrated by my colleagues as a sort of anti-hero. You wouldn’t believe how many times I heard comments like “I heard she gave you a real tongue-lashing afterwards!” or “What’s the matter, the Kat got your tongue?”, all followed by a round of heavy and irreverent guffawing.

Poor Kat–I mean, talk about being re-victimized every time. And my beleaguered apologies were probably undermined by the sh*t-eating grin I had plastered across my stupid face half the time. I did feel bad for her for the suffering she endure at my hand–er, tongue. But it was obvious that irregardless of what the original perpetrator thought of the matter, as a whole, the larger society didn’t give a flying ----- about her pain.

For my part, I at least had moderate-to-severe remorse over the ordeal, and I can’t say I was exactly proud of my achievement. And once the initial hub-bub around the incident eventually died down, I generally avoided bringing up the incident.

But then, during the final week of classes came the annual school-wide Awards Ceremony. I don’t remember what the awards were exactly–probably stuff like Honor’s Roll and Perfect Attendence, et cetera, et cetera. Being a senior and the intellectual star of our cozy school, I garnered my share of awards and accolades…and one extra one that that caught me a bit by surprise.

As the awards were wrapping up, Ms. C., the EmCee and one of the Jr. High teachers, cleared her throat in preparation of making a solemn proclamation:

“I have one last award to give out tonight. For the first time ever, I’m proud to announce this year’s winners of ‘Best Tongue Action In A School Play’. When I call your names, please come forward to receive your trophies, these top-of-the-line gummy tongue-and-lips…”

“*Ahem* And this year’s winners are…”

Of course she called my name. But did she have to call Kat’s name as well? Poor girl was mortified.

I sheepishly stumbled forward, and graciously accepted my gummy tongue-and-lips. “Uh, thanks for acknowledging my efforts, Ms. C.”

Right behind me was one very red-faced Kat, clearly quite unhappy with the display of public humiliation.

As she snatched her gummy tongue-and-lips from Ms. C’s hands, I could barely hear her hiss at Ms. C. under her breath:

“Ughh, I so hate you for this, Mom…”

What was the point of the story again? I had it on the tip of my tongue…oh yeah, the point of the story is not to rely others for a moral compass. In the end you’re going to be responsible for your own actions, and “uh, everybody said it was a good idea at the time” isn’t going to hold up in Cosmic Court. Own your own actions boy!

Yeah…and, uh, maybe–just maybe–any suggestion that you violate someone else, even if for “comedic effect,” is one bad ----- idea.

#PSKateSorryForTheTrauma #PSKateSorryAboutYourMomma

Content created on: 4 February 2022 (Friday)