The Point of the Story

Your #1 Source of Unsolicited Life Advice

Month: July 2020

Ode To A Nurseryman

30 July 2020 / / 0 Comments
< 1 Min Read

Now lemme rap at ya about a young man
Who set out on foot across this great land
What he saw 'twas barren, so desperately needing
A strong lad to come along and spill his seedlings
All over her ground, man, so he hatched a plan
Answering her siren call with a firm shake of his hand
Now he was born into the time after honey and mead
And his descendants had yet to build the first microbrewery
But he had a vision, man, and were his neighbors excited!
This land would be overflowing with the finest hard ciders
So they sent him off, wishing him luck and shouting "godspeed!
Young man, go and fulfill our manifest botanical destiny!"
Now serve up another round of that delicious All-American pie
Fill your glasses with the Sauce, and raise them high
We feast in remembrance of the bounty his hand hath provided
But please ignore any hints that he might have been misguided
Thus we're forced to drink to forget those who simply had to die
Turn a blind eye to all them native plants unwillingly sacrificed
Now if you do your research you might feel a bit conflicted
I'll be damned if he wasn't a man of admirable convictions
Good character aside, hear ye this definitive reckoning rhyme 
The same one future scholars will maintain blew their mind
I posit this nation was founded upon this half-baked thesis:
"Let's make legends out of invasive species"

Content created on: 24 & 30 July 2020 (Fri/Thurs)

The Conspiracy Theory Of Everything

26 July 2020 / / 0 Comments
5 Min Read

Alien overlords. The Illuminati. Kevin James is funny. 5G causes exceptionally fast download speeds in urban areas. The Moon Landing was faked. The Earth is a flat, crisp, delicious, lightly-salted wafer.

Oh, those rascally conspiracy theories. They seem to be all the rage with youngsters these days.

And by “youngsters”, I really mean “boomers.”

I’m kidding, of course. It’s an established fact that boomers have the true nature of reality nailed down pretty accurately./s

For the rest of us lost at sea, I figured I would share one of the key take-aways from my very own time mentally lost at sea.

From my Surfboard Sessions in Search for Truth, let me paraphrase Rule #1: “whatever I think I know is probably at least partially incorrect.”

This thought almost single-handedly wiped out my entire belief structure that I had held up to that point in my life in my early 30s.

To quote French Garfield, “Oof, le OOF.”

Without having 100% confidence in my understanding of some greater truth,1Note that it is my understanding that is lacking, not the almighty deity or whatever the truly correct answer may be. I had to find a way to navigate through life in good-faith. I mean, I still had to function somehow, right?

Enter conspiracy theories. Every. Last. ----- One. Of. Them.

All of a sudden, I found myself unable to so easily eliminate most, if not all, of those pesky suckers. My mind was fertile ground, ready to thoughtfully consider almost anything. This couldn’t be good for business. This couldn’t be good for anybody.2Seinfeld/Kenny Rogers mash-up of a pop-culture reference.

I could wax long about how I came to my conclusions, but let me try to cut to the chase: as a rule of thumb, most likely that conspiracy theory be bullshit.

Which one, you ask? Whichever one you’re thinking of right now. The one right in front of me, piquing my curiosity. The one that you wish your loved one wasn’t buying into. It doesn’t matter–it’s most likely a load of male bovine excrement.

First off, they can’t all be true.3Again, see my post from last week Surfboard Waxes Philosophical. That alone should disqualify a majority of them.

But–and this is a fairly notable ‘but’ here–some of them are most definitely true. The odds that all things slapped with a Conspiracy Theory label are all false? That would have to be astoundingly small.

Given these two almost near-absolute truths, how does one decide which ones are the real ones? The ones worth believing in? The ones worth sounding crazy for? The ones that will save us from becoming alien hamburgers?

In layman’s terms, I like to approach it as if I were a gambling man: how much of my hard-earned money would I wager on the veracity of a randomly-selected Theory?

And the answer is…

Three percent. That’s my best–and rather generous–guess at how many Theories are largely true.4I’m simplifying things and assuming the remaining 97% is largely false. Even then, that would be what? Roughly 32-to-1 odds?5I had to look it up myself to be sure: https://www.investopedia.com/articles/investing/042115/betting-basics-fractional-decimal-american-moneyline-odds.asp

If I owed a bookie an insurmountable sum of money, and was desperately in need of getting rich quick, then I might consider taking those odds.

But I’m not. I’m just trying to live my life here, man.

Taking those odds would be insanely unwise. I would become one broke-ass mofo real quick. I don’t care even if the payoff is that extra-fuzzy sensation of being “in the know,” that feeling of specialness for being enlightened and not just another brainwashed sheep.

And y’all know me by now: I stand at the ready to not be bougie, so often the Forbidden Fruit offered by a Theory can be a rather tempting proposition for me.

But I gotta stay focused: the more improbable hoops of logic I need to jump through in order to believe some fantastical tale someone is trying to sell me, the more unwise buying what they’re selling would be.

There’s also one more possibility that should be considered: a given Theory’s purpose might very well be to misdirect us from what really is happening. You could easily run the risk of believing in something incorrect and rather improbable, meanwhile you’re dismissing the much more likely and perhaps obvious truth staring you in the face.

…and it’s at this point that I have to confess something to you: I got mad respect for the concept of Conspiracy Theories. You gotta hand it to ’em, it’s absolute genius.

True, it’s evil genius, but genius nonetheless.

It’s actually pretty beautiful in a twisted way: you wanna conspire to do some crazy shit? Well, don’t hold back on the ‘crazy’ part.

In fact, the more outlandish, the better. The key here is to make anyone who tries to get the truth out to the world sound crazy af. That should be your goal.

Then, on top of that, take a bunch of other partial-truths, turn up the fantastical factor a notch or two, and release them into the wild.

All you have to do after that is sit back with your mint julep and watch all the Truthers tumble down one rabbit hole after another, tuckering themselves plumb out playing some twisted game of Wacko Whack-A-Mole.6No relation to Woke Whack-A-Mole.

Alas, given that I will probably never find myself on the fun and cheeky side of a conspiracy theory, this is all a rather disheartening realization.

Not to go too nihilistic on you, but The Truth isn’t always going to win.

The stunning conclusion to this thought rampage of mine was: you want the truth? YOU WANT THE TRUTH?!? You can’t handle the exhausting burden of thoughtfully considering and extensively researching every last one of them to figure out which 97 of them are red herrings and which few you should be rightfully scared shitless of.7I didn’t want to say this out loud, but we are SO f*cked.

In other words, given the assumption that at least one of these crazy-ass theories explains more about the on-goings here on Earth than is comfortable for our small minds, even with the most earnest, open-yet-skeptical effort is almost assuredly fail.

Well, that’s just depressing.

Nevertheless, the path forward in a life lived in good-faith remains.

The point of the story is that being wrong on occasion is inevitable. Accept that and move on. Otherwise, you’re might find yourself unwisely betting on every ----- improbable claim that comes along out of fear of being made a fool.

Oh, the sad irony of it all8By this I mean, how sadly ironic it would be that, ones desperate attempts not to be made a fool directly resulted in them being a ----- fool.…

A quick note: It just so happened that in the midst of planning out this blog post, HBO’s Emmy-Award Winning humor/news show Last Week Tonight did a much more thoughtful deep dive on the topic barely a week ago. I highly recommend checking it out, because, as you can imagine, they did an infinitely better and more thorough job than I ever could have. Plus, they actually have created a practical resource for constructively talking to your friends and family about questionable theories.

Other interesting articles on the topic (from a Christian perspective this time):

On Christians Spreading Coronavirus Conspiracy Theories–Christianity Today

Why Your Christian Friends and Family Members are so Easily Fooled By Conspiracy Theories

Content created on: 23/24/25 July 2020 (Thurs/Fri/Sat)

Footnotes & References:[+]

Dilbob The Happy Alien

23 July 2020 / / 0 Comments
3 Min Read

Ladies & Gentlemen, Boys & Girls, The Point of the Story proudly presents, straight from my Sophomore year of high school:1Sorry, no refunds.

Dilbob the Happy Alien
Episode One: Dilbob and the Bare Beavers

*See end of post for uncensored version*
“If you can’t read this, then this book is 4 you!”
Books 4 the Illiterate
Copyright 1997
“Stungun-45: the Universal Fermented Beverage of Choice”
Dilbob the Happy Alien is an alien with some real problems. In Dilbob the Happy Alien, Episode One: Dilbob and the Bare Beavers, Dilbob has flashbacks to an abduction by Hippie Earthlings. Whatever they did to him makes him involuntarily shave all his little beaver friends with his teeth. In his first book since the "THE" series (1985-87), B.J. {name redacted] explores the world of that teenages alien known as Dilbob. Episode One: Dilbob and the Bare Beavers is his first installment in the Dilbob the Happy Alien series. Be on the lookout for more Dilbob the Happy Alien Episodes with Dilbob and his favorite beaver, Harrieta. (Books 4 the Illiterate/3 Men & a Lot of Ladies, Book Co.)
The uncensored inside cover, which regrettably included some very explicit spoilers.
Rest in Power, Puppis
Fake Reviews!

Content created on: Spring 1997 & 23 July 2020 (Thursday)

Footnotes & References:[+]

Surfboard Waxes Philosophical

19 July 2020 / / 0 Comments
3 Min Read

Oh, the places your mind will go! (When your surfboard sure as shit ain’t going anywhere…)

(all apologies to Dr. SeusS)

Back in the day when I was a post-doc in Hawai’i, Mr. Boss Man Vandy highly encouraged his minions such as myself to take up surfing. As you can imagine, I was more than happy to oblige.

The one problem? I’m not the most athletically inclined. On top of that, it turned out that I was pretty much illiterate when it came to reading the incoming waves.

The end result of all this being that I would spend a lot of time just floating in the ocean, alone with my thoughts.

Now, when combined with the “Nowhere-to-go, nowhere-else-I-need-to-be” mentality that comes from living on a remote island such as Oahu, I found that I had an abundance of time to just…think.

Turns out, I forgot how much I thoroughly enjoyed just sitting and thinking deeply about something. And it was such a delight rediscovering my long-lost love of philosophizing.

So there I would sit on my board, just pondering the meaning of life and deeply examining my beliefs and values, unwittingly inviting a fate of becoming shark bait.1”Death by shark attack–that’s my final goal!” There, Stephen, I finally got a Grand Buffet reference in. And one of the earliest–and most uncomfortable–conclusions I came to was “most likely, I am wrong.”

Approaching it as a statistician–or if you wanna think of me in a bit sexier light, as an economist–I had to ask myself: “Of all the Big Questions in life, what are the odds I have nailed the answers to any of them?” And the humbling answer is, “Um, statistically speaking, probably not too many of ’em.”

Of course life isn’t that conveniently black and white, and so I should acknowledge that saying that I’m flat-out wrong on a matter might not be completely accurate. I have to allow for the possibility that my understanding is–if I’m lucky–merely incomplete.

Now, this isn’t exactly groundbreaking, or even the most original thought.

Heck, just recently when I was investigating the source of a loved latest one’s conspiracy theory,2Oh, I have thoughts on those too–just wait a few days and I should be writing on that topic as well. Michael Tellinger,3After reading his Wikipedia page, I feel, uh…”conflicted.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Tellinger I came across this quote in his intriguingly entitled book Slave Species of the Gods: The Secret History of the Anunnaki and Their Mission on Earth:4Tellinger, M. (2012). Slave Species of the Gods: The Secret History of the Anunnaki and Their Mission on Earth. Inner Traditions/Bear. ISBN: 978-1-59143-807-6.

Figure 1. That uncomfortable moment when you realize that you might be on the same wavelength as Michael Tellinger…

Ugh. I haven’t had such an awkward moment of self-realization since that time Alex Jones proclaimed he was prepared to “eat [his] neighbor’s ass”5https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfZcKCIcug8 if all societal hell broke loose, and all I could think was “way ahead of you, buddy.”6I had planned on writing a post or two on similar unorthodox thoughts that I independently had at the being of COVID quarantine; my apologies for not striking while the iron was hot.

Digression and complete lack of originality notwithstanding, it was still very much my own thought. And perhaps that is why it has had such a deep impact on my values and worldview–so much so that I would say it is a key pillar of who I am today.

So, as you often find yourself listen to this humble surfer-wannabe wax long about the various philosophies of life–from the mundane to the incredibly profound–it might be helpful to understand this critical detail. I don’t have the answers. I’m fumbling around in the dark just like the rest of us. And maybe even more clumisily than most!

I ain’t gonna lie: it’s not easy being much less certain about the true nature of reality. But I have discovered that, almost paradoxically, there is profound freedom in the midst of so much self-doubt.

Such a mindset can’t help but impart a deep sense of humility and a refreshing sense of wonder. In the end, the only “truth” I have full confidence in is that no matter what the truth is, it is well beyond my wildest imagination.

If we’re lucky we may catch glimpses of The Profound here and there, but there always be More.

As for all other matters pertaining to the human experience and beyond, I probably should always lead with this caveat I once heard uttered by some wise guy in a wetsuit:

“Oh, I am most indubitably incorrect, Good Sir!”

Suck-at-Surfing Socrates

Oh, and believe it or not, the point of the story is: if you believe that you’re probably right, well then, my friend, you’re probably at least half full of shit. And that’s being optimistic about it…

Content created on: 16/17/18/19 July 2020 (Thurs/Fri/Sat/Sun)

Footnotes & References:[+]

Stripping In The Name Of

16 July 2020 / / 0 Comments
3 Min Read

Do y’all remember “The Most Interesting Man in the World”? You know, that suave-but-insensitive jackass who would implore us to “stay thirty, my friends” while much of the world still didn’t–and doesn’t–have potable water? Yeah. That guy.

I’m pretty sure I heard a few years back that he had passed away. Sad, indeed.

But fear not! For I, your humble servant, have found his real-life replacement: Tom Morello.

If you don’t know who my boy Tom is, you’re in for a real treat.

He’s probably best known as the innovate and super-creative guitarist for two different prolific rock bands, Rage Against The Machine, & Audioslave, the former of which is well-known for their super-woke social activism, and the latter of which might be ironically rethinking their use of the term “slave” in their name.

For the most part, that is about all the more I myself knew about him, until a few weeks ago when I was watching instructional guitar videos on YouTube when an ad for his Masterclass popped up:

If you didn’t take the time to watch it, about halfway through, he starts talking about his background, and mentions being “the only Black kid in an all-white town” and “the only one into heavy metal at Harvard University…”

**Record scratches**

Wait, what? He’s Black?

Call me racist and/or ignorant, but I guess I had just lazily extrapolated the presumably Hispanic heritage of Zach de la Rocha (lead singer of Rage) onto the rest of the band,1After doing my research, boy was I wrong. The other two band members are a straight-up white dude and Jewish guy. so this information significantly altered my view of Tom.

AND he went to Harvard?!?

I figured this guy was pretty interesting to begin with, but my face was being melted in real time, yo.

I simply had to know more.

Enter his entry on Wikipedia. If you have the chance, click the link and explore the richness that is Tom Morello for yourself.

If you don’t, here are my Top 3 highlights that I believe support my case for him being the new Most Interesting Man in the World (in addition to the previously related facts, of course):

#3: In Junior High he was in a band with a future legend in his own right, Adam Jones of Tool (another immensely successful rock band you probably never heard of):

#2: After graduation, he put his Harvard diploma to real good use:

Brick House? How can you not love this guy?!?

…and finally, #1: You’ve got to be ----- kidding me:

Oh, in case you were wondering what the “Stripping In The Name Of” is referencing, then please enjoy this video of Rage’s “Killing In The Name”. Seriously, though, if this is not a song for this moment in time, I don’t know what is. These guys were indeed Prophets of Rage2If you did the ----- Wikipedia homework I assigned you, you would know that this was yet another band Tom has been a part of. before their time…

*Boomer discretion is strongly advised.*

Content created on: 16 July 2020 (Thursday)

Footnotes & References:[+]

Cowards Wanted-Apply Within

12 July 2020 / / 0 Comments
5 Min Read

Riddle me this, my friend: How did the hipster burn his hand? From touching the stove before it was cool!1Not my joke; author unknown. Bwah-ha-ha-hah!

Ok, righteous hipster slam aside, let me make something clear upfront: I am no hipster–a fact that should have been patently obvious from my most recent post, Here Comes The Pog Master.

What’s that? You thought my little vignette about Pogs was just another random story of mine? Well, amigo, don’t forget one simple, unshakeable truth: I have a story for every occasion. The Prize Pog Story2Get it? Get it?!? It’s a reference to The Prize Pig Story! was merely setting the stage for today.

So please, when it comes to social activism, don’t mistake me for a hipster–I can’t pretend that I stood up and supported Black Lives Matter “before it was cool.”

If anything, I’m a coward.3Yeah, like that time I said I wanted nothing to do with anything remotely historical?

You may be aware by now that I’ve started dipping my toe in some politically-tinged waters with my blog posts. Since this is a major departure from my self-imposed No Religion No Politics rule for this blog, I thought it would be worthwhile to go down the rabbit hole of the whys and hows I came to this not-so-light decision.

I attempted to explain it in one go in I Was Told There Would Be Pitchforks, before quickly realizing that–surprise, surprise–I had way more thoughts than what would fit in a 2-minute read.

You may find it helpful to go back and read that real quick; otherwise, suffice it to say that the point of that story was that I believe that there are a significant majority of people who, like me, have wondered to themselves why something as seemingly Golden Rule-ish as Black Lives Matter was so politically divisive, and have not previously supported it more openly because of that.

This is Logic Building Block #1, working towards the original thought that I wanted to communicate: please don’t slander thoughtful, giving people by dismissing and vilifying them as “A Mob/The Mob.”

An even more important point that I would like to eventually make is that it’s okay to support Black Lives Matter. Don’t listen to the haters–it won’t make you a terrorist.

Okay, so now that you have something of an idea what my overall train of thought looks like, let me focus on the today’s topic: risking something valuable for a cause.

As more and more people stand up and say “It is okay to be excellent to each other,”4That’s totally a Bill & Ted reference, and therefore you should go and read my instant-classic post, A Most Excellent Life Lesson, most immediately. the less risk there is for others who might want to stand up as well, but have more to lose.

But the nation is in the middle of this dynamic situation. While it is significantly less polarizing to express support for Black Lives Matter than it was even two months ago, there is still a long ways to go. True, it is increasingly being openly (and much more accurately) described as a human rights issue, and that’s incredibly encouraging progress.

Though the tide of public opinion seems to be turning in favor of BLM, the corresponding backlash is likewise increasing in terms of intensity, fierceness, and violence. After all, many have much to lose in a change to the status quo.

Well, there a few that have a lot to lose, but they tend to be somewhat effective at convincing others that they have much to lose as well.5This is a whole ‘nother topic, but I wholeheartedly believe that most of those that think that BLM will negatively affect them are listening to voices that don’t have their best interest in mind.

Anyways, you may be tempted to think that it is now trendy to support BLM. You know…the idea that it’s easy to mindlessly follow the mob mentality, without really thinking about or knowing what you’re doing.

But to this point I say there is still real risk.

If you go back and last Sunday’s post (and I highly recommend you do), Woke Whack-A-Mole, you’ll see that I darn6I really mean to say “d@mn well” but it kinda loses its edge once my Censorship code gets to it. well knew that my neighbors have already been targeted for having a BLM sign in their yard before I put up one in my own.

So if you think that I all willy-nilly spent $12.50 on a bi-chromatic sign and planted it in my yard without giving it much thought, you might want to reconsider that position.

The Boss Lady and I thoughtfully and deliberately wrestled with whether or not doing so was the right move for us.

We are risking relationships with our parents and neighbors who still might have a negative perception of Black Lives Matter and its supporters. We do not take that lightly at all.

We are risking unexpected violence towards our home and family by essentially putting a clear target in front of our house. Our girls’ bedrooms are at the front of our house, so if some armed anti-BLM folk gets too amped up on the rhetoric going around, there is a non-zero chance that our precious babies might catch a bullet or some broken glass.7In fact, my father-in-law has already brought up his concerns about this exact scenario.

So don’t tell me we’re blindly following the latest popular craze by supporting the BLM cause. Please understand that we are putting our most valuable possessions on the line when we do so.

I confess that I’m scared shitless at the thought of what I may have gotten myself and my loved ones into. I’ll admit that I am a huge coward by default, naturally running from danger in full risk-aversion mode.

I’m not the moral hero of the story here–otherwise I would have been bravely screaming “BLACK LIVES MATTER!” loudly and proudly since somewhere around 2016.

No, we gotta give credit where credit is due: I look at those who have gone before us and risked much more than I can even imagine. Thanks to them, I feel like the risk to us is at least manageable.

Now. you yourself may be curious about whether becoming privately and/or openly supportive of BLM is right for you. From my journey, I can say that I understand that what that risk looks like is very different and very personal for each person.8I mean, I can’t even imagine being back home in the woke wilderness of SW Kansas. I can’t say for sure that I would have the same courage as I find myself with here in not-completely rural North Carolina.

In the end, everyone has to make the decision for themselves, and I don’t fully expect anyone to hop on board just because of my public stance on the matter. My hope here is to follow in the footsteps of my more morally courageous trailblazers.

I hope that with the risks I take by putting a sign (give or take 127) in my yard and publicly blogging about it, that my neighbors, my family, and my friends will not have so much to lose in doing so themselves.

It’s sad that it should be so dangerous to stand up for what is right–but I have faith that we can change this.

So what if you haven’t been the loudest vocal of social justice all along? You’ve had plenty of good reasons not to put your neck on the line, especially when for so long it has seemed like an impossible uphill battle.

Just remember this, though: when it comes to building a better world, there simply aren’t enough hipsters to get the job done.

No, they’re going to need every last one of us cowards that they can get…

Content created on: 2, 9, & 10 July 2020 (Thurs/Thurs/Fri)

Footnotes & References:[+]

Here Comes The Pog Master

9 July 2020 / / 0 Comments
2 Min Read

Aah, Pogs. Surely y’all remember those, right? You know, “the tiddly-winks of the ’90s”?

Pogs(TM)–also known by their generic name of “milk caps”1https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milk_caps_(game)–were at the peak of their popularity in the fall of 1994, precisely coinciding with my move from the desolate plains of the Midwest2Turns out, I don’t think Kansas and Missouri actually qualify as “the Midwest”. At least not the parts I lived in. to Southern California at the beginning of my 8th grade year.

This was also about the time that Jamaican dancehall artist Ini Kamoze’s hit single, Here Comes The Hot Stepper, dominated the radio station they played on my school bus. Not that that has anything to do with this post’s title or anything…

Anyways, having just spent my summer in B.F. Egypt, aka S.W. Kansas, I was completely oblivious to the latest rage amongst all the youths by the time I hit the schoolyard at the esteemed Ocean View Junior High. As you can imagine though, it didn’t take long before I wanted in on some of that sweet, sweet slammer action that all my friends were getting.

Alas, woe was me! For there was a fly in the ointment: I didn’t exactly have any free-flowing cash to spend on a starter set which, in theory, would consist of 30 or so pogs, a slammer, and a fancy green pog-carrying container.

But I eventually got there. It took me somewhere around a month or two to scrape together the $20 or so to finally be able to buy into the prevailing hoopla of those simpler times.

And boy, was I ever so pumped to finally be “in the game” so to speak. Let me tell you: that $20 was hands down the best investment I’ve ever made.

…

J.K. Kidding–pogs went out of style exactly 2 weeks after I bought mine.

I actually feel kinda bad for putting one of my friends in the awkward position of breaking the news to me.

I imaged he felt much like Kramer did in the hit ’90s NBC sitcom, Seinfeld, when he had to tell the titular character, Jerry, that pretending his girlfriend’s stomach had a booming, jovial voice was no longer en vogue:

The point of the story is that “being trendy” is not exactly my strong suit. I’m more of the anti-hipster type. You know, doing stuff after it’s cool. Leave it up to me to jump on the bandwagon right before the wheels fall off and it goes over the edge of a cliff…

Content created on: 9 July 2020 (Thursday)

Edited on: 11 July 2020 (Saturday)–added a better punchline.

Footnotes & References:[+]

Woke Whack-A-Mole

5 July 2020 / / 0 Comments
4 Min Read

In my neck of the woods of North Carolina, we have ourselves a proper Con-federation in-festation problem afoot.

For some reason, uh…shall we say “Dixie enthusiasts” have been flocking to our sleepy little hamlet to exercise their 1A1If you don’t own a gun or at least wish you did, that is a “2A” reference–short for Second Amendment. The More You Know, Mofo. rights and show their support for their Stars n’ Bars heritage.2In other words, pro-Confederate flag demonstrators.

You typically would get excited when your small town makes the regional news, but lately we’ve been popping up for not-so-exciting reasons. I mean, who wouldn’t want to open the newspaper to see the headlines teeming with such beunas noticias3Spanish for good news. as:

So naturally, what does one do when the Confederate-flag-on-a-hockey-stick games begin?

Put a Black Lives Matter sign in their front yard, of course.

…and that is exactly what the neighbors directly across the street from us did! After all, the wife, “Alexa,”9Not her real first name. is a key figure in the local George Floyd-related activist group.

Well, actually they had had their sign up for well over a month by the time the hockey stick incident occurred, so it had become a regular part of my front-door vista.

Last Friday, which would have been the day after the incident in question, my mother dearest noticed a suspicious vehicle parked nose-to-nose with her Jeep in its usual spot on the street in front of our house. She couldn’t tell what they were doing, but about the time she noticed it, the guy in the car seemed to see her peeping out our front door, and took off.

Later that evening, she and I stood out in the spot where he had been parked, looking around trying to figure out what he had been up to. Our first guess was that he was from our HOA checking up on us, as we had recently received notice that some a-hole busybody in our neighborhood didn’t like the aesthetics of the tarp tree-fort mom and the girls had made out of the tree in our front yard.

The only other thing I noticed different was that the neighbors’ Black Lives Matter sign was not in its usual spot across the street, nor anywhere else to be seen for that matter. No pun intended.

I made a mental note of it to follow up on that theory later, but that would have to wait a few days, as Alexa and her family would be out of town until the end of the weekend.

It was probably just the HOA-hole anyways, but you can never tell…

Now you may need to brace yourself for this next part (unless you read my last blog post, of course).

It just so happened that, at that very same moment in the history of the Universe, we were in the market for a Black Lives Matter yard sign of our very own.

This idea had been brewing for a couple of weeks already, and I had heard rumors that Alexa had extra signs for sale for any wokals10Yes, Virginia, that is a portmanteau of “Woke” and “Local”. No, Virginia, that is not an Asian-oriented racial joke. And no, Virginia, the use of “oriented” in this context is not meant to be a pun or otherwise humorous. wanting to show their support and solidarity to the cause. So it was a happy coincidence that I could cover both topics when I reached out to her.

It wasn’t until Wednesday by the time I got around to actually working up the courage to potentially procure a BLM sign of my own. Fortunately Alexa responded to me in a timely manner. This was her response to my twin questions of “Can I have a sign?” and “Uh, you have any issues with your sign over the weekend?”:

So first the bad news: sadly, their sign had been stolen while they were out of town (but I love the idea of her “putting them on blast” if it happens again).

Also, a quick but very relevant side note: in a later email she revealed that this was at least the second time this has happened…and that these incidents just happen to coincide with our local Confederate flag hoe-downs. Go figure.

And now, the good news: she had one last sign for us, available at the below-market price of $12.50–from a black-owned business, nonetheless! The wokeness is getting out of hand real quick…

I decided to jump at the opportunity before someone else came along and snagged the last one, and tapped out a response as quickly as my fat fingers could go.

Unfortunately, the Mystery of the Missing Sign weighed heavily on my mind…

I mean, what would we do if our sign were to be stolen? And–on an unrelated note–is merely putting one meager sign in our yard doing enough to show our neighbors support?

Before I realized it, those quandaries were pouring out of my finger tips and into the email.

Let’s just say my train-of-thought was going a little too fast around that last curve…

Yes absolutely we want the last one! I had a thought...I say that any time the signs get taken in the future, let’s replace them with twice as many. I figure between our two yards, we could easily get up to 64 nicely spaced signs in each. Off the top my head, including the cost to replace the signs in addition to the proposed 128, that would come out to around $3500. If there is indeed another round of stimulus checks, then ours alone would almost perfectly cover that. I can’t think of a better use of that money than to troll whoever these woefully small-minded turds may be. They would basically be directly supporting a black-owned business, so joke’s on them. Sorry. My imagination got away from me there. We’ll be in touch.

To quote the Boss Lady’s secret hotty, Bane, from the 2012 Nolan Brothers blockbuster hit, The Dark Night Rises:11https://youtu.be/6GzUoK8VDAE?t=109

Let the games begin, you racist ----- dipshits.

ONe good ----- neighbor

***Subject to the approval of Boss Lady Matosha. Huhn…where have I seen those initials before?

Content created on: 2 & 4 July 2020 (Thurs/Sat)

Footnotes & References:[+]

I Was Told There Would Be Pitchforks

2 July 2020 / / 2 Comments
3 Min Read

Welp, it’s official. I became a card-carrying member of the Mob today. Well, maybe not the Mob–a Mob might be more accurate.

After much thoughtful consideration, last night we become the proud owners of our first Black Lives Matter sign. Then tonight, after having a measured and appropriate conversation with our daughters, we will install it in our yard with a solemn, yet hopeful family ceremony.

Aww, shit…bet you didn’t see that one coming!1Unless, of course, you read the previous post, Woke Whack-A-Mole, which was entirely about obtaining a sign…or 255. Oh, wait…I decided that will be my next post instead. Well, this will give you something to which to look forward.

On its face, you might be tempted to think that I’m breaking my own principle of broaching the topic of politics. Once you get over the shock of that idea, I ask that you hear me out.

Sorry fam, I love you very much. But I simply can no longer worry so much about possibly offending or alienating you that it holds me back from envisioning and building towards a better world to do, will, and bequeath to our collective kids.2Maybe it’s time for us to revisit A Parenting Parable in light of that last statement.

I hope that even if you don’t share my same views, that you are at least able to hear me with open ears and open hearts.

That being said, I would like to counter the narrative that bringing up Black Lives Matter and explicitly supporting it is “political.”

….which brings me back to my thesis statement, the declaration of my induction into the “mob.”

As you know, the last month has been marked by a historic amount of civic engagement on the part of not only the citizens of America, but of people worldwide.

Yet in response, certain unnamed political and media figures have consistently attempted to frame it as “the mob” or “mob mentality.”

I suppose you gotta respect the clever attempt at dismissing a large swath of our country by simply using such a negative term implying that it’s all mindless mayhem. Nice try, fellas.

I would like to respectfully propose to those Dear Readers that may be tempted to use that term to perhaps reconsider that choice of words. Not like in a gangsta, passive-aggressive kinda way. More like a Mr. Rogers, sincere af kinda way.

First, let me say that I find this disheartening, and somewhat angering. Many people are risking COVID, being met with undue and excessive force, and possibly being unjustifiably arrested. And what is most striking is the incredible proportion of these people that “don’t have a dog in the game,” so to speak.

If you’re risking all of this for your proverbial neighbor with little to personally gain, then I should be skeptical if someone tries to tell me3A little bonus for those of you who actually read the footnotes: I believe the proper phrase here is “if someone tries to jackass-splain to me…” that you’re not doing this without putting any thought into it.

Now I can’t speak for anybody else, but if any of them are anything like me, then maybe my take on the situation can provide some insight for those who might be genuinely wondering what the heck is going on.

I imagine that for many people, there has long been the desire to pursue equity and justice for their fellow Americans, but have been told either directly or via people they care about, that associating yourself with the BLM Movement in any way would essentially amount to an act of political terrorism.

But that false argument is fading fast. Cracks in our country’s self-image are forming, revealing one-too-many uncomfortable truths. It is become more exhausting to look away than not.

Even much more widespread than that is a thirst for some return to basic decency being a defining hallmark of this country. Regardless of your political views, it is incredibly difficult to make an argument that “decency” is any part of our current zeitgeist.4A German word that roughly translates as “the spirit of these times.”

No doubt that as people have watched the BLM Movement become quickly normalized, many thirsty folks have had the same thought that I did:

“How the heck was this ever a political issue?!?”

More people than you might suspect

Whether you suspected me before or not, the point of the story (for now) is: Congratulations! You can now brag to your friends that you personally know a member of The Oh-so-scary Mob.

Just think of me as your token Black Lives Matter friend…

But wait! There’s more!

I’m realizing that I have a lot more thoughts on the topic of next-level civic engagement that I wanted to share, but probably shouldn’t try to tackle them all at once.

I just wanted to at least get the conversation started for now. We’ll have to continue this discussion next week. I hope that you will join me then…

Content created on: 2 July 2020 (Thursday)

Footnotes & References:[+]

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