Your #1 Source of Unsolicited Life Advice

The Olde Timey Wheelchair

4 Min Read

The following is a lightly modified excerpt from an email with a close acquaintance. In full disclosure, it was written with the possibility in mind that it would eventually be shared here. In other words, I was workshopping it.

The context: my friend had some personal writing that he asked me to review, and I was giving him some initial feedback on his work.

And I quote…

Speaking of tangential stories…when I was in college, it was the first semester that I was friends with my perpetual romantic pursuit and eventual former girlfriend, Tiffany Chestnut,1Not her real name. It is, however, her real “porn star” name. along with her best friend (like, I was friends with her best friend, too, but none of the other descriptors apply. I’m not THAT suave). For some reason, one night I found myself pulling an all-nighter with the bff, whom we’ll refer to as ‘K’, alongside my friend Ben who would become my roommate the following year.

K was working on a book for her elementary education class, while I can’t remember what the hell me and Ben were doing. I think we were just being good friends and helping her get the book completed, which was due the next morning at 8 am. A week or so later, she gets the graded book back, and she got a pretty high mark, 97-99 range but not quite 100.

Well, in what I rationalized as an attempt at humor, my dumb ass made some critical comment about getting a point or two taken off. At the time, my comment seemed to be a non-event, and I probably would have never given it a second thought in my life.

Fast-forward to the end of the semester. Tiffany is getting ready to study abroad in Mexico for the summer and fall semesters, and I had stopped at her hometown on the way to mine for the summer to say hi to her family and bye to her for 7 months. This was long before we briefly dated, so naturally, a component of our conversation involved me trying to cajole her into going out with me.

I pressed her on the issue, and she reticently admitted that she knew she could never date/marry me. So I pressed her some more. I should interject here that I was bawling throughout most of the conversation, though I don’t remember the exact point when the water works started. Anyways, even more reticently, she shares with me two anecdotes that shaped her conviction on the matter.

You guessed it: I got dinged for being unduly critical of K in regards to said project. It turns out that my comment really hurt K and deflated what had been very high spirits, as she had worked very hard on the book and deserved every bit of glory that it earned. But no, I thought I had to be the witty one in the moment, or whatever god-forsaken unresolved inferiority complex I had going on when I made that comment.

For what it’s worth, the other anecdote involved a poorly drawn wheelchair by Ms. Chestnut, and my ensuing humorous observation that wheelchairs like that hadn’t been produced for about a century now. In my defense, she was an art major…and living in the year 2001. So she had no ----- excuse for the engineering atrocity that she had created on paper. None. The REAL crime would have been the ABSENCE of ridicule and mockery…

Figure 1: The assholes over at Turbosquid want $79 for the uncensored version of this picture of a “vintage wheelchair”. So it looks like you’ll just have to use your imagination as to what Ms. Chestnut’s drawing looked like. Tip: imagine Picasso tried to paint what you see above.

You may be asking yourself at this point “the point of the story is…?” Well, I’m glad you asked! As you can see, I had the rare experience of knowing the exact moments when my chances with a girl in which I was very interested were mercilessly slaughtered–and in true M. Night fashion, I was the murderer. “What a tweest!”

Well, let me tell you, failing like that is shit that sticks with you. One is a bit more sensitive to the otherwise subconscious impulse to provide unsolicited criticism after something like that. Know what I mean? Of course you don’t. You’re too kind-spirited through and through. (Stated without the slightest sense of sarcasm)

All that being said…there was one typo in your work that I found particularly amusing. Just search the document for “plum” and you will immediately see the [humorous] error of your typing ways.

Figure 2: “Somebody” made a Freudian Slip…

Content created: 5/6 June 2019 (Sunday/Monday) / 22 July 2019 (Monday)

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2 Comments

  1. Thisisyourmompleasestopcussing

    Aside from your language blocked out (but it still pains me that the words are in your mind to begin with), I think this is what you call ----- leading you in the right direction to find the wife He has created & brought into this world for you, special delivery.

    • bj

      Hello, Mother.

      I appreciate your undying optimism of God’s hand in our lives. Also, it’s ironic that instead of his name getting taken in vain, it is now getting taken out by the censors. Oh, the irony.

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