For reasons that will become apparent in the near future, we’ve been buying raw cashews in bulk from Costco lately. I didn’t really buy them to snack upon, but I’ve found them to be a real go-to when I want a quick protein hit.
After a while, I started to notice a particular scent when I would open the container. It was their natural smell, no doubt, but it had certain familiar tinge to it.
No, it was beyond a “tinge”–it smelled almost exactly like something else, but I couldn’t quite put finger on what that was. It was always just on the tip of my tongue.
After a week of being slowly driven slightly mad, I decided to seek a second opinion. Maybe somebody else would recognize that smell.
In the moment I decided to take action, my mother happened to be nearest person to me.
“Hey Mom, smell these cashews and tell me what you think they smell like.”
“Sure!” she replied as she inhaled deeply.
As the wheels turned in her mind, the answer popped into my mind, hitting me like a ton of bricks.
“Uh, no wait–nevermind! It doesn’t smell like anything other than cashews. No need to answer that. No need to even think about it for one more second.”
“Hmmm…fish?”
“Yeah–that’s it. Fish. It just smells like fish. Ok, see you!”
I did not want her to answer because the last thing I wanted was to hear my mother confirm my suspicions: these nuts smelled like sex.
More specifically, the, uh, male by-product of sex.
Jizz.
There I said it. A big ol’ container of raw cashews smells like some good old fashioned jizm.
And no one ever needs to hear their mother say anything remotely close to that.
Seriously, though, they should put this on the package clearly stating:
Warning: These nuts smell like…well, “nut”. So don’t ask your poor mother “Hey. what do these smell like to you?”
A more thoughtful label Designer than the jackass KIRKLAND SIGNATURE hired
Ugh. Come to think of it…now I really regret those turns of phrase I used only moments ago…1”Put my finger on it.” & “On the tip of my tongue.” in case you were wondering.
Content created on: 21 May 2020 (Thursday)
Footnotes & References:
Bradford pear trees in bloom smell similarly.
Did you eat them?
Dude, I had already been eating eau de raw sex/slightly old fish for several months by time I “recognized that smell” [Primus reference—google it if you need to]. I wasn’t about to let a beaver eating Taco Bell stop me any time soon.
Plus, I had already sunk $18 into that investment.